Christmas is meant for me

I meant to write a blog before Christmas, but time got away from me.

It usually does.

The week before Christmas was hard. I almost slipped, reading an article that triggered me and that made me mad, because it's an article about a good cause, but it triggered me and that triggered guilt that such a filthy subject could trigger me. The cycle continues.

I also woke up one Saturday morning, enjoying a nice relaxing lie-in when

BAM

Memories of fantasies, specific fantasies, started rising to the surface of my mind.

I hadn't thought of them in a long, long time.

And with these memories, came the longing, the feelings, the addiction.

Oh, it was so tempting. 

And disgusting. Which was good. I prayed, I gave those memories and feelings to Heavenly Father.

I asked for forgiveness.

Then I got up and did something.

Then came Christmas. I had made an subconscious vow not to act like I had last year (a veritable Scrooge) and I think I actually met that goal.

Christmas was a little stressful. For some reason, my body decided it didn't like change and so I felt a little panicky during the trip to my family's and there as well.

Then there is the whole stress of my family. I'm not sure I even want to go into that. Christmas Eve wasn't peaceful or happy, let me just leave it at that. It is hard not to be negative around some members of my family. Negativity is rampant in todays' world. Even among members of the LDS Church.

We look at what we have and only see what we don't have or what didn't go the way we wanted.

So I am choosing to focus on the positive. To live in the moment. When I felt panicky or sad, I focused on the moment. Making memories with my family. I spent lots of time with my brother's kids and I had a lot of fun.

I did have some weird dreams, though. Romantic dreams. Not in the user dream sense, but in the desire to be loved sense. These dreams brought back some issues for me. Like what the heck was going on!

Fantasy was such a huge part of any relationship I attempted to have, that I just don't deal with it. 

These dreams brought back a lot of those longings to be loved, to have a boyfriend, etc. And I don't want to feel that way again. I'm probably not explaining this well. I guess when it comes to the idea of having a boyfriend (which I honestly can't imagine), my attitude is "I'll deal with it when it happens." No fantasies. No what-ifs. Reality, please.

So I'm back to reality. Back to work. Trying to make sense of life.

That's for another blog post.

Still haven't worked on Step 10. Not sure I'm done with it. 

I mean, I definitely still struggling with previewing my day and reviewing it and especially the time-outs.

I wanted to be finished by the New Year. Probably not going to happen. I'm going to reread Step 10 tonight and see how I feel about it all.

I'm tired tonight and my family generously shared their bug, so I'm not feeling great. I'm hoping this blog doesn't seem depressing. It is not meant to be.

I actually got to say my prayers this morning! 

Then I read Elder Bruce Porter's talk in December's Ensign. 

He quotes Isaiah 61:1 and then he says, "When we read of Christ’s mission to proclaim liberty to the captives and open the prison to those who are bound, we probably think first of His ministry in the spirit world among the dead. But we are all captive—captive to the corruption and weakness of mortal bodies and subject to the temptations of the flesh, to infirmity, and, ultimately, to death—and we all have need to be set free.

Whatever binds us—sins, circumstances, or past events—the Lord Jesus Christ, the great Immanuel, came to set us free. He proclaims liberty to the captives and freedom from the bonds of death and the prison of sin, ignorance, pride, and error. It was prophesied that He would say to the prisoners, “Go forth” (Isaiah 49:9). The only condition of our freedom is that we come unto Him with broken hearts and contrite spirits, repent, and seek to do His will."

I give thanks to my Savior, who was born and died that I could be set free.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

It probably shouldn't take this long.

I've been on Step 10 since March (I think. I'm not sure where my recovery journal is to look it up... Ha that's a sign right there).
This week in group was Step 11 and as we read it, I realized, and the Spirit whispered as we read, that I was working a little on Step 11, which is good, but that I haven't been working recovery as strong as I should be. Or I feel I should be.

I don't believe Addiction Recovery is a competition and God isn't judging me because I'm not making as much progress as someone else. I don't think the manual is something that should be sped through, but sometimes I worry that I'm not working fast enough.

Basically, I don't know if I'm doing this correctly. If there is a correct way.
Gah. Sometimes I get so confused.
Anyway, I want to work on it. That's the point. My goal is to have Step 10, the Study & Understanding section at least, finished this weekend.

I need to move on, which also scares me. Maybe I'll just start over again with a new manual after Step 12. Ha ha ha.

Today I tried going a whole day without negative thoughts. Didn't happen. This is definitely something I will work on.
I almost said "Need" but I'm working on using a different word after reading Jessica's blog post When You Feel You Aren’t Enough, Stop Needing Part 1 and Part 2.

Honestly, sometimes I wonder if I'm helping anyone at all. I feel exactly like Jessica writes "It is easy for us to critique ourselves and hand ourselves this overwhelming to-do list of all the personality flaws and character traits that need corrected. When we do that, we feel like perpetual failures- inadequate and unworthy."

I'm working on giving my actions purpose. On changing my prayers so I'm not putting the entire burden on God to help me or on myself to change. We have to work together.

To that end, I've been reading in the Topical Guide under "Trust in God" and a lot of verses about trusting in God are found in Psalms. I actually return to these scriptures a lot. I am perpetually on Step 3. :)
I especially liked this one (the whole chapter is excellent).
Psalms 34:22: "The Lord redeemeth the soul of his servants: and none of them that trust in him shall be desolate."

I will not be desolate. Desolate is such a powerful word and the Lord says I will not be that way if I trust in Him.
This fills me with hope. If I could just put the whole chapter here, I would, it is a great chapter of scripture.  The Lord will deliver us. He is for us.

So forward and onward. I hope I haven't been plateauing or regressing. I hope these past several months have had progress, no matter how miniscule.

If music be the food of recovery, play on...

Many, many moons ago I lived in a small house with four roommates.

One of the girls listened to Church music ALL the time.
No radio. No Beatles.
Just the soundtracks to the LDS church seminary videos. All day.

I remember thinking it was kind of weird. I loved LDS church music, like Michael McLean, but I didn't listen to it all day. Of course, looking back, I was smack dab in the midst of addiction and some of the songs I did listen to weren't the best.

Flash forward many moons.
The other day a coworker hitched a ride in my car. The radio came on and, of course, it was set to a Christian station. I wondered what they thought. A Mormon who listens to Christian music?

But it is so wonderful.
I hardly ever listen to contemporary radio anymore. My preset radio stations in my car and at home are all set to Christian radio stations, the local LDS music station and the local Classical one.
I have my iPod with good music that I trust. Occasionally I listen to some local stations, but I either don't like the song or I don't recognize it. Or it's so bad I have to turn it off.

I don't feel like I'm missing much. No offense to those who do listen to the radio. This is my choice.
And there are days when I crank up Coldplay because I love their music and I know it's safe (I've only had to delete ONE song of theirs! And it wasn't blatantly triggering. It just triggered me.)
If any of you are interested in some of my non-Christian faves, let me know and I can make a list. As soon as I figure out how to add tabs to my blog. :)

Music is a key to recovery. A very vital key to me. As I've mentioned before, I used music to fuel my fantasies, so there are some songs I honestly cannot listen to anymore because they bring back memories and triggers.
I have list of songs on my iPod I call Dailies, these are songs that encourage me or that focus me back to the Savior.

This post was going to feature a lot of my favorite songs, but then I realized that would take up a lot of space and time.
So...
One of my favorite Christian artists is Toby Mac. I love his music!
This is one of my favorite songs of his that just came out. I have a tendency to dance in my car and wave my arms around like some rapper when it comes on, it's just so uplifting and awesome.
I am working on training myself to Speak Life.

Try to stay in a bad mood listening to that song. I have tried and failed.

Now I'm off to work on Step 10! I'm hoping to finish it this week and move on to Step 11. We'll see if that's what the Lord wants. Wish me luck.

Tiny miracles.

Tuesday morning I woke up and I couldn't hear out of one of my ears.

I'd been trying all sorts of home remedies for ear wax. I mean ALL sorts. I had ear wax softener, some little ear wax remover and all sorts of things.

And it seemed to only be getting worse.

So I spent Tuesday half deaf. It was so weird and frustrating.

I actually skipped my meetings that night to just keep treating my ear. At one point, I admit I stuck something rather sharp in my ear, because I WANTED TO HEAR!

It worked. 

Until I woke up the next morning…. and it was blocked again.

Argh!
So I wasn't in the best of moods.
I'll admit, I wanted a healing. I told Heavenly Father I couldn't afford a doctor (being uninsured).
So every morning I would wake up hopeful, but still blocked. I could barely hear my alarm clocks.
I kept treating my ear, but no luck. It seemed to get worse.
Thanksgiving was great, but I felt like I missed a lot of conversation. Do you know how weird it is to talk and hear the echo reverberating in your head?
However, I went to group. I needed to go. And we were on Step 10.
Ha ha ha.
I had a goal to be done with Step 10 by the time we read Step 10, but that didn't happen.
Still, reading through the step, I realized that I haven't been working on three reviews:
Previewing the day before: Looking at my day and what my plans are. Am I doing too much or too little?
Time-out: In the moment, take a break and analyze the situation. Come to a peaceful resolution and rely on the Lord.
Reviewing the day: Before praying. I really need to work on this. Writing in my journal should help. So I look at my day and review how it went, what I need to work on, what I did well, etc. Then I take it to the Lord.
Group was just what I needed.

But today I was miserable. My head hurt, I couldn't hear. I was tired. I'd made up my mind to go to a doctor and get my ear cleared out. Obviously, the home remedies were not working.
Of course, every single doctor office was closed, except the emergency care one. So I went.
It didn't hurt (I don't like doctors. Going can cause a huge panic attack), which was one big fear. And it cost a lot less than I was dreading.
So two tender mercies! And I can HEAR! I can hear the crinkle of my winter coat.
My heart has been full of gratitude for my Lord who helped me with this. I had to do it His way, but it was worth it.
There's a deep lesson in that.

So to end, I'm including one of my favorite new songs.
It tends to bring tears to my eyes. I love the message. Don't forget what God has said.
God is for us.
And the guy's hair! I like his hair.

Group 1 Crew "He Said"

So your life feels like it don't make sense
And you think to yourself, "I'm a good person"
So why do these things keep happening?
Why you gotta deal with them?

You may be knocked down now
But don't forget what He said, He said:

"I won't give you more, more than you can take
And I might let you bend, but I won't let you break
And No-o-o-o-o, I'll never ever let you go-o-o-o-o"
Don't you forget what He said

Who you are ain't what you're going through
So don't let it get the best of you
'Cause God knows everything you need,
So you ain't gotta worry

You may be knocked down now
But just believe what He said, He said:

"I won't give you more, more than you can take
And I might let you bend, but I won't let you break
And No-o-o-o-o, I'll never ever let you go-o-o-o-o"
Don't you forget what He said

Don't fear when you go through the fire
Hang on when it's down to the wire
Stand tall and remember what He said:

"I won't give you more, more than you can take
And I might let you bend, but I won't let you break..."

"I won't give you more, more than you can take
And I might let you bend, but I won't let you break
And No-o-o-o-o, I'll never ever let you go-o-o-o-o"
Don't you forget what He said
Don't you forget what He said
Don't you forget what He said (I want give you more)
I want give you more
What He said

More than an addict.

Life is still tough, but I weather the battle.
I've been more active in Step 10, as in making Daily Accountability a major part of my day. It still needs some work.
This has brought some insight.

When I first started recovery here in the States, the missionaries would remind us that we are more than just our addiction.
I struggled with that at first, because addiction recovery was such a huge part of my life. I'm an addict! How could I be more than my addiction? But then I came to realize that it was true. I am not only an addict. I am so many things. Daughter. Sister. Friend. Book lover. Cat adorer. Mormon.

Last week I started analyzing why I've been feeling so down and lonely these past few months and I realized why.
My social life revolves around addiction.
When I lived in the UK, I was busy almost every night of the week. Sunday, after church, I usually had dinner at a friend's house. Monday was Home Evening, where we ate dinner and talked and had a spiritual lesson. The rest of the week was made up of Church activities like Institute. I went to ARP. I joined a dance society. Friday or Saturday were my choice, spend it with friends or alone.

Back home, my only friends in town are those in PASG.
I go once a week to Correlation with the missionaries and while I love going and I revel in the love I feel there, it's still about addiction.
Then there's PASG. Once again, my focus is on the addiction.
I am focusing on only one aspect of me.
I don't go to movies with friends. I go with my mom. I have choir on Sundays. That's it.

So last weekend I declared an addiction free weekend.
I spent the weekends with friends and their kids. I was just Stacey. I went shopping, I played with kids, I listened to music and a really good audiobook. I felt loved and wanted and happy. I talked about books, music, tv.
I didn't talk about recovery. I didn't discuss triggers (surprisingly, there were very few).
My addiction wasn't the focus. It was just a small part.
I was all parts of myself.
Then I had to come back to this reality.

It's been a struggle since then. I miss sociality. I miss my old life.
But we can't go backwards. Only forward.
The ear blockage is still going on and it's annoying me to no end. I want an instant healing.
I realized that a lot of aspects of my life are like that. I want an instant fix. Instant answer to prayer.
Those haven't happened. Obviously, God wants me to learn. A lot, apparently.
Someday I'll know. In the meantime, I just have to keep pushing forward.

This week I've been reading in the Topical Guide under Trust in God:
Here's one of my favorites.
2 Samuel 22:3 (it's a psalm by David):
The God of my rock; in him will I trust: he is my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my high tower, and my refuge, my saviour;

God is for me. He is never against me. In his new book, Elder Holland says this phrase needs to be written on our hearts.
God is for me.

Blockage

I can't hear. Well, I can, but it's like I'm underwater.
When I chew food, it's like my own little ocean in my ear.
I think I have a build up of ear wax. Which is causing other problems, like dizziness, water in the ear, etc. More hearing problems.
It's great fun.
Kind of a great top off to this week.

It's been good and bad and hard and emotional and full of triggers.
And a huge fight with my mother.
So I'm resolving to be less sensitive when teased about something I like.
At the same time, I was hoping for an apology because, once again,
the past is brought up and thrown in my face. Stuff that I have apologized for and repented of.
Yet there it is again.

I had even googled "Am I the toxic one?" Wednesday because I was so sure I was.
Yep, nothing really useful there.
I HATE fighting. I don't like how I feel after it, miserable and sad, I don't like hurting other people, but at the same time… I will stand up for myself and my choices.
It was a fight that started out about a book and then led to an implied comparison with my brother (which hurt, but which was denied), and then talk about how I huff and puff when certain tv shows are on.
Which is why I'm hiding in my room tonight. Three hours of television shows that I choose not to watch.
I missed group last night because I fell asleep and woke up dizzy.
Two huge triggers today, that were out of nowhere! So I prayed for relief and distraction and got it.
Last week on Thursday, I went to the temple and did initiatory. Which was lovely. This week I thought about it, but I don't feel well and my ears hurt.

Okay, this sounds all whiny. Ear wax sucks!
It's not been a horrible week. Today, the Lord helped me with the triggers. Every night He's brought my cats home safely. This sounds like a minor thing, but I have been panicking about them every day. I think it's just one thing my crazed brain can focus on freaking out about. So them coming home at sunset every night is a huge blessing and sign of God's hand for me.  They bring me happiness.
Plus the beautiful moon and stars.

Today I read Elder Soares talk from Conference on being meek. That's one goal I'm going to work on, being meek. Working on overcoming pride and anger (which usually feed off the other) with Heavenly Father's help.
Someday I'll get Step 10!

I am not my past. And my past was yesterday.

So everything is just great and wonderful! ha ha ha. ha ha ha.
Sorry, I needed that.

Almost two weeks ago I made the journey again to that bookstore to sell the last book in the series. The power was out in that section of town! Seriously. It made my journey much longer. I didn't know if it was irony or just coincidence. Still, I finally got there, sold that book and went and bought another book I've really wanted (Count of Monte Cristo), hardcover. It was worth it. As I was checking out, the boy in front of me bought the book I had just given up.
Augh.

Thoughts kept plaguing me all through the weekend. Lines from the books, longing thoughts of what I would never read again… it was hard. I did not dwell on it, but the thoughts kept coming. I'd been in a book store that day when an ad for the book came on. My chest started hurting. I needed to let go again.
So that night, I decided I had to do something decisive again. I am a big believer in gestures and I felt that a decisive one was needed to show that I wasn't holding on to those books. So, I would again write down the names of the books and burn them. I remembered I had the receipt, so I found it, wrote "Goodbye" and the names of the books and burned it. I then had the brilliant idea to throw out the ashes. So I just shoveled the ashes where the paper had burned in the fireplace into a bucket and went outside to the canal next door. I flung the ashes into the water and let it carry them away. Luckily it was late enough the neighbors weren't out there, so I didn't have to worry what they would think. ha ha. It looked pretty strange. A girl in her pajamas flinging ash into a stream.
A spark got away, but I put it out (did not want to wake up having burned down the neighbor's trees).
I woke up the next morning feeling much better, calmer and while I do still see those books, it's not with longing. I'm moving forward.

The week went well, until Thursday.
Thursday was Halloween and I thought my mom and I would watch a Halloween movie, eat caramel apples and enjoy ourselves. Instead, my mom turned on a tv show which I no longer watch. So I went back to my room. She came back when it was over and so I went out in the living room. There was another show on that I had vowed not to watch (I'd seen a headline for the show and decided it wouldn't be a good idea for me to watch that), so I switched the channel. My mom asked why I wouldn't want to see it and I mentioned the headline I had read (I didn't read the articles, because that would be stupid). Well, she brought up the fact that a show I had watched last night had contained a bad scene. Yes, I had switched the channel and then switched back when it was over. I admit it. It was a British cop show and I just wanted to watch something British. It wasn't worth it, as I spent the rest of the night trying to get that 2 second image out of my head. Yet another tv show I cannot watch. Sigh.

Well, this led to a fight. I was so mad and hurt. I try not to judge others, but it hard that people watch the shows or read the books I want to read, but can't (or choose not to).
So I wrote her a letter. And printed off the headline of the article about the show and the guest blog post I referenced earlier about "Porn on Paper." In the letter I explained that I have to be vigilant. That while there are some people who can watch such shows, I cannot. I asked her to respect my choice.
No one has mentioned the letter. I'm not even sure she got it.

Sigh. So it's been… tough. Saturday a family member really hurt my feelings. I struggled with anger, feeling alone and unloved. It didn't help that as I went to bed, my cats chose to sleep in another room. That was a low blow. Yes, it's silly now, but when I am feeling down it is easy to find reasons to stay there. Instead, I made myself go to Stake Conference the next day.

Still not progress on Step 10, although I'm working on being accountable daily. On reaching out to Heavenly Father, on praying for specific experiences or help each day and reporting each night. I plan on working on it Sunday. Maybe actually finishing the step! Gasp!

That's about it.
Oh, tonight I went to the temple. I've been meaning to (and what better way to spend Thursday nights since my mom watches three hours of television that I choose not to watch?) and tonight I wanted to go. I did initiatory! I love listening to the promises there. I love the blessings. I love feeling worthy of those blessings.

Some days I am amazed at what miracle God has worked in my life.

Crushing: 10 questions (from Beggar's Daughter)

As I've referenced in the past, I struggle with having crushes on men/guys.
I've gone so far as to stop seeing shows with actors I've had huge crushes on, because in my addiction, that involved fantasy. Either TV or film.
My current crush, as mentioned, is a guy in my ward.
I've been freaking out a little because I don't want to go overboard, as I have in the past.

Then, through a series of happenstance (a link on Sid's blog) I was brought to Beggar's Daughter, a blog I really like. I don't read it as often as I would like (so I finally thought to subscribe), so I had a bit of catching up to do.

That's when I read her post on "Just a Little Crush or a Big Problem with Lust: 10 Questions to Ask"

So I wanted to share it because it is really helping me see how a crush on someone is normal, what is important is that I analyze my feelings to see what this crush is revealing about my emotional state.

Enjoy!

If only it would go...

Well, it's been four days since I gave up the books and the story.
I was hoping it would be... easier. Quicker.

Okay, to better explain how I'm feeling, I need to do some background. A few years ago I bought a video compilation by the LDS church, The Worth of Souls. It has a lot of older church films on it, like Pioneers in Petticoats, Johnny Lingo (which was the whole reason I bought it. I LOVE Johnny Lingo. Huge crush on that man. Who doesn't want to be an 8 cow woman?), and that horribly sad movie The Mailbox about the old woman whose children never write her and then she dies. Wow.
Anyway, one of the films is Uncle Ben, which has this girl graduating from BYU tell her professor about her uncle who raised her. He was an alcoholic when their mother was still alive. Well one morning the kids wake up to find the mom dead (Man, these church films were scarring) and Uncle Ben is the only living relative. So he has to sober up or the kids will be separated and sent to orphanages. And he does. He just pushes the bottle away, prays, asks the judge for temporary custody and never drinks again.
So at graduation the girl's professor asks Uncle Ben how he quit drinking and Uncle Ben says that he kneeled and asked the Lord for help and... that's it. The Lord healed him.

I tell this story partly because I'm feeling cheeky today and partly because I think of that story a lot when I want an instant healing. I thought of it when I first started recovery and struggled with my thoughts and desires and triggers. Why couldn't I have an Uncle Ben experience? Where was my instant fix moment? Why didn't I deserve that blessing? (The answer is: I don't know. :) I think of it now, because part of me was hoping that giving up this book series and story would well, be the end of it. Instant fix. Out of sight. Out of mind. No more triggers. No sense of loss.
Instead, it's still there. I still think of the book and story every day. There is still a pang of loss when I do. Yesterday, flipping through a magazine in a waiting room, an ad for the book was there. Ugh.
Today, a coworker was reading and I looked over to see that it was my favorite book in the series. I had no idea until I looked over and saw what it was and instantly, the longing was there. What part was he at? I tried to justify taking a peek over his shoulder. Then came the memories of lines and scenes. I miss those books.
I resisted the temptation to pick up his book when he left the room. Instead, I pulled out a book that I had brought and read it. Then I read a conference talk.

I admit, I was hoping for instant blessings for this sacrifice. A Paul on the road to Damascus moment.
A moment where I know why I had to do this and bam I understand it all.
I think I'll be waiting a little longer for blessings and understanding.
Yesterday and today have been tough. Triggers. Triggers. Triggers.

Yesterday, I had this sudden, so completely inappropriate, phrase come into my mind that it shocked me. Then I was disgusted. Where the heck did that come from, brain? It took me a long time to get over that trigger. I finally had to pray to Heavenly Father and ask for forgiveness (because the thought wasn't going away) and give it to Him. It worked.
I was looking up a recap of a TV show's episode and triggered. Shouldn't have read that.
I'm not saying I'm angry. Frustrated is the accurate word.

I don't want words to trigger, but that's part of my addiction. It's vexing.
I love words! Vex. Hodgepodge. Otter. Words are amazing. Powerful.
And some of them trigger me. My brain reads a word and remembers what reading this word led to and  gets excited.
I'm not focusing on what I lost. I know that way would make it even harder to move forward. It could turn me bitter to the Lord.
Instead, I'm working on finding my way. This whole sacrifice has thrown me into a lot of turmoil. I wonder if my future plans are the wrong path.
Well, let's get through today and try to work Step 10.
The rest can wait until tomorrow.

Doctrine & Covenants 93:9
The light and the Redeemer of the world; the Spirit of truth, who came into the world, because the world was made by him, and in him was the life of men and the light of men.

Letting go

It is done!
Well, only partly. Standing at the counter of the used book store I realized I'd forgotten one of the books. Hey, there were quite a few, okay?

It was hard. The store is a distance away and I was planning to go on Monday. But today, I realized that I had to do it today. However, I got busy helping out a friend and time started slipping away. It was one of those days when it's 2pm and I realized that I hadn't brushed my teeth or gotten dressed. Changing pjs for sweat pants does not count.
I was going. So, I went out to the garage and grabbed all the books (forgetting the one small one). The temptation to open them was strong. Just read the ending again...  I was praying as I did took them out and put them in a bag, because I knew I couldn't do this on my own.
I put them in the back of my car. My mom tried to help me. She asked if I could maybe just keep the ones before the last book. But now I know what happens and that knowledge will trigger me. I can't keep any of the books. I also feel guilty, because my family loves them because of me. Still, I can't keep for them for other people. I felt that I needed to make this sacrifice of something that I loved very much. I wish I knew why.

On the way down I listened to conference and picked President Monson's talk, "We Never Walk Alone," from the last Relief Society broadcast, which I hadn't heard yet.

He says, "There will be times when you will walk a path strewn with thorns and marked by struggle. There may be times when you feel detached—even isolated—from the Giver of every good gift. You worry that you walk alone. Fear replaces faith."

Then he says, "We were not placed on this earth to walk alone. What an amazing source of power, of strength, and of comfort is available to each of us. He who knows us better than we know ourselves, He who sees the larger picture and who knows the end from the beginning, has assured us that He will be there for us to provide help if we but ask. We have the promise: “Pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good."

That's when I started to cry. Because I knew what I was doing was good, but it still didn't feel like a good thing.

I thought of stopping off at another store, but realized that was a delaying tactic and went right to the bookstore.

Then it got harder. 

As I put the books on the counter, the employee saw them and started to gush. Didn't I just love this author? Wasn't he such a great writer? What did I think about his other books? (Which I'm thinking I may give up too as I'm a little peeved at the author right now). Then he started telling me about a short story related to these books that the author had written.

I was saying a silent prayer for him to shut up.

That's when I realized I'd left the one book home. Gah.

I mentioned it and the guy said if I brought it back to him personally, he'd pay me for it. But that means another trip. Could really have used a prompting on that one, Heavenly Father.

Still, I'm going to do it.

With the money I got, I bought two books. That required going to another bookstore and it was hard and triggery because 1) both bookstores have Romance sections (one has a "clean romance" section, which makes me laugh) and I can't even look at the covers. They don't hide it by the science section, darn it. 

2) The book that started all this was EVERYWHERE. I saw it at least 3 times and I wanted to punch something. It hurt. Plus, there were all these stupid vampire/paranormal books, which I already know I can't read. But I was already feeling triggery so even seeing the covers was a trigger. Grrr. Sometimes I wish I could take a flame thrower to sections of bookstores.

However, I found the book I wanted and the price was less than I expected, so I had money left! I felt that was a tender mercy.

On the way home, I started thinking, listening to Christian radio and trying (and failing) to not think about the books that I just sold. Remembering lines or seeng something on the side of the road that reminded me of a scene in the book. I tried to distract myself. That's when I realized that I needed to give up something else. See, I like to write poems and stories. In my addiction, I would write romance novels in the guise of doing them "clean," but it was just to feed my addiction. When I started recovery, I got rid of most of the documents. I did a cleaning again when I realized that fantasies were part of my addiction. Still, I'd kept a couple stories that weren't "romance" novels, but just story ideas. One of them I've been working on for years and I was using that story to escape thinking about the books. Then driving home in the car, I started thinking about it, and I realized that I needed to give it up. It wasn't healthy. It was a distraction.

Now, this was hard! Because I've worked on this story for a long time!

I found myself justifying keeping the documents. I'd worked so hard on them! I had pages written. Yet, I knew it wasn't what God wanted. I prayed (hoping to get a yes answer. As in, yes, keep them). Then I realized that was my answer. I came home, went to my laptop, opened it and found all the files and deleted them. They were in multiple locations.

I put some in my laptop's trash and tried to empty it. One document won't let me delete it (seriously, Heavenly Father?). It's in use! What?

So I'm trying to figure this out. How to delete it. I don't see this a sign from God to keep them.

Anyway, I did it!

In a curious series of tender mercies, after listening to President Monson's great talk, almost all the songs on the Christian radio stations today helped me and gave me strength. I have to be willing to give up my heart and life to Heavenly Father. These are part of my will, my agency. I still feel the loss of my hero, but I also feel peace. 

A few months ago I started having the feeling that October was going to be an important month. I was hoping for something along the lines of lots of money and a plane ticket to the UK. Sadly, that hasn't happened. Apparently it's making big sacrifices.

Someday I'll know why I had to give this up. My heart still hurts from the loss of a precious story. Maybe in the Millennium, I can have the edited text. ha ha ha.

Nothing is worth more than a relationship with Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost. They love us. I have to keep reminding myself so I can see the blessing these sacrifices bring. Because there will be blessings.

Sometimes sacrifices are hard.

The panic attacks aren't going away.

But they're not horrible. 

I'm getting sick of chicken noodle soup. Chicken Noodle is one of the few food items that doesn't turn my stomach. Soup is one of those rare things that soothe me, but I don't want to eat another bite of it for a while. Ugh.

I can eat other things, though! Progress. (chocolate doesn't nauseate me. That's one of the signs I'm having a panic attack, I don't want chocolate).

Today I came to a decision. I'm going to give up the series. It's breaking my heart. But I triggered majorly the other night trying to avoid thinking about the book. Isn't it funny how that works? It's like a breakup where everything reminds you of the ex. I can remember what I read really well. So many things every day remind me of the series. So I was trying to distract myself and started slipping into fantasy world.

Everyone has fantasies. We wonder what it would be like to be famous, etc. But, I just can't go there anymore. It's not healthy.

Sigh. So I stopped, but it was close.

After getting off work, I realized something. I can't do this anymore. This past week I've been obsessing over this series. I googled the book, wanting someone to validate my feelings. I talked it over with a co-worker. I talk it over with myself. I would flip flop. One day I'd tell myself I don't need to give it up. The next, I would trigger and have a panic attack (that's fun) and think, no I can't keep the books.

Then someone left a comment on my last blog post:

"If the series has become a trigger - you have to give it up. It's that simple. And it sucks, I know. I hate throwing stuff like that away. I grow to have feelings for them - and it's like I have to forsake those feelings.. but it just is. And the pain always lessens on the other side, because we become triumphant and the Lord blesses us for those small (yet huge) sacrifices."

See, I already knew this. But I needed someone to remind me that I already knew this.

I'm not tossing them, though. I'm selling them. There's a used bookstore that I can sell them to and buy a good book in return. I need the money and I don't see them as evil. I mean, if they were books by Danielle Steel, those babies would burn. But they are not. It's my own trigger.

It's been a hard week. I've really had to rely on Heavenly Father for help. I've been talking to Him. I think part of me is scared to sound less than formal to Him in prayer. This week, I've gestured while I pray (I gesture when I talk), I've begged for help. I've told Him how I feel and I've felt closer to Him. This is good. When I'm having panic attacks, I don't think that I can feel the Spirit. So I have to seek it out. Last night I went crazy downloading all these past conference talks that got lost when I changed laptops. They are talks that helped me so much during panic attack days and recovery days.

I wish I could say that the panic attacks went away, but they didn't. Still here. 

So I watch LDS Bible Videos. I read blogs on the LDS Addiction Recovery website. They help.

I just finished up reading all the scriptures under Jesus Christ, Mission of in the Topical Guide, which is listed in the footnotes of Alma 5:14-30. I'll have to post more about what I found. They've brought a lot of comfort. Isaiah 61:1 especially.

There have been bright spots in the dark days.

Wednesday night I was hurrying to PASG. It had been a rough day. I've had to take the afternoons off this week because of the panic attacks. It's been a nasty cycle, I can't sleep, so I have more panic attacks, so I'm nauseated, tired, and feel very frail. Then I come home to nap, can't sleep that night, and that leads to more panic attacks. 

Anyway, I was running late and a song came on the radio. Well, first I heard God's Great Dance floor, which I've blogged about before. It's a favorite. I got a little teary as I sang along. "You never give up on us. No matter how far we run. You'll never stop loving us."

I felt better.

Then a song came on that I hadn't heard before. It spoke to my heart.

It's called "Carry Me" by Josh Wilson. I love it because the lyrics describe me this week. This is how a panic attack feels. 

I try to catch my breath
It hasn't happened yet
I'm wide awake in the middle of the night scared to death
So I prayed God, would You make this stop
Father please hold on to me, You're all I've got

Carry me, carry me, carry me now
From my sinking sand to Your solid ground
The only way I'm ever gonna make it out
Is if You carry me, carry me, carry me now
God carry me, carry me, carry me now.
I wasn't able to finish the song, so today I looked it up.
Sorry about the skinny jeans in the video. No one should have to see that. ;)

Now I have another favorite song to help me through the dark days. A song with truth in it.

It's been a tender mercy for me.

A major sacrifice this week and I don't know if I have the strength to make it. I've made sacrifices before for recovery. Somehow, they didn't feel like that big of a sacrifice. This feels like a big one. It feels like I'm giving up a part of myself. Which maybe I am. Still, it's not worth it to hold onto. I've realized that I haven't been working Step 10. I need to get back to daily accountability. 

God is all I've got that I can truly rely on forever. I'd rather hold on to Him.

My Heavenly Father and Savior will carry me and help me to solid ground. They've done it before.

Seriously, we're doing this?

So I couldn't sleep last night, thinking about that stupid book.
I got up around midnight, took the whole series and put it in a box in the garage.
I felt better for a little bit, but whenever I tried to sleep, I would start thinking again. Triggering, remembering triggers, etc. So frustrating.
Finally, I put on my Conference talks playlist on my Ipod and fell asleep
listening to Elder Holland. I would wake up occasionally with the soothing voice of one of the apostles in my ear.

Then I woke up with a strong desire to not do anything. This is not good.
It's been there the whole day, a desire to go home and hide.
The last time I felt like this, it was the precursor to a huge panic attack (or daily ones) where I spent a month subsisting on soup, bread, and crackers while walking around with a feeling of doom all the time. While it's great for weight loss, the emotional toll was not worth it. Not being able to feel happiness or joy is not a good way to live. Plus, it's hard to feel the Spirit when I'm full of fear.
It's hard getting through the day with a sense of impending doom. It's hard making yourself do things, like stay at work, when all I want to do is curl up in bed and pretend the world doesn't exist.

I'm tired, I'm emotional, I feel like crying, my chest hurts and my stomach feels all twisted up, I just want to run away.
Then the panic attacks hit this afternoon. I can try to fight them, but that just makes them worse.
It's like being hit in the lungs with ice.

No idea what caused this. It could be lack of sleep, it could be I was so excited to get the book and it was such a let down. It's also the anniversary of when I left Scotland two years ago. Big emotional trigger there. It could be the triggers from the book. It could be all of that.
Augh.

I came home and had my home teacher give me a blessing. Which helped.
Now it's back.
Gah.

I don't know what to do about the books. I feel betrayed, like my best friend suddenly turned on me and  deliberately triggered my addiction. Which is silly, because this is a BOOK! Sigh. It still hurts. This series meant a lot to me. It's helped me through a lot in the past year. It was lovely and of good report. I thought it was safe. It's been so hard to find safe books.

Anyway, right now I'm focusing on moving past the panic attacks and then I can deal with the book/series. My mom thinks I should write the author. But I don't know how to say what I'm feeling and not come across as a bigot (plus, what good would it do).
And I'm angry. I'm mad that something I love is tainted in a way I may not be able to repair. I'm angry that I'm having panic attacks, that I'm going through this again. It's not fair.

Yet, I'm turning to Heavenly Father. I'm refusing to give in. So I may cry when I hear "Overcomer" by Mandisa. But I'll make it.

The arms that hold the universe are holding me tonight.

Heartsick.

Um. Hi.
I have no idea what to say, but I feel like I need to write.

It hasn't been a "great" week. No listening to conference talks every night, BUT I have been better at getting to bed at a good hour and somewhat better at getting up on time.
Until I set my alarm for PM instead of AM and was half an hour late to work.

There's something else going on that I can't go into details about yet. A book that I read from a series that I adore, triggered a really big emotional reaction that I'm still trying to analyze.
It was unexpected and left me, well, heartsick. It's triggered some memories and, anyway. I'm still not sure what I'm going to do.

As a result of the lack of sleep last night, I've been feeling very panicky, tired and heartsick. Not the best way to fast and try to teach a lesson. I know part of the problem is that in the darkest days of my addiction, I read material that was related to this. Let's just leave it at that.

Anyway, I've talked to Heavenly Father about this, more like a pleading cry for help. Like I said, this is totally unexpected. The panic attack feelings are not helping.

So I started reading For Times of Trouble by Elder Holland and watching church videos.
I'm feeling better.
I'm going to pray more about what to do (throw away the series, etc).
Anyway, life goes on.
Sorry if this is depressing.

What am I telling other people? It's not worth holding onto something that keeps you from the Lord.
Sounds like I need to take my own advice.

Technical difficulties... and life.

So last night, as I went to post this blog, my internet shut off. Yes, I was cutting it close.
I thought it hadn't posted at all, but apparently it did... with no text though.
Sorry for that.

Anyway...
It has been really rough week, after a really great weekend.
I got to spend some valuable time with my family last weekend. Listen to good music, partake of the sacrament, swim (I love water), and just relax.
I stayed up a little late writing in my journal one night. It was so nice to be "caught" doing that. I used to be on my computer all the time, up late at night, reading romance novels. I liked doing good things that I'm not ashamed of. And not being up all hours.
I didn't even bring my computer this time and spent the whole time offline. It was great.

Then I got to come back to work, money stresses, extreme exhaustion, panic attacks, emotional abuse and... life.
It's been rough. I'm not saying it's been entirely miserable. I love Tuesday nights, when I go to meetings with facilitators and other ARP missionaries. I feel such love there.
There was also a very cute, single (no ring), new facilitator there.
No no no no no.
I'm trying to look for the beauty and blessings of each day. To not see it as a horrible day because of one thing (or an entire shift at work).

I also love PASG meetings. I love new people coming to those meetings. I love feeling the Sprit (and it wasn't by chance this week's step was Hope).
Because I'm feeling a little hopeless.
Maybe it's post-family depression. Combined with worries about work, money, my future, my friends and family ... everything. And more homesickness about the UK. It hurts worse than I ever thought.
I'm coming up on two years since I left and I know this will be a difficult anniversary.
Oh, joy.

Not doing too well with the negative thoughts.
Yesterday was been Tenseness 101 at my house.
It started out with my mentioning an article debunking the story of the entire Martin Handcart Company being carried across the Sweetwater River by three 18 year olds. My mom kept asking questions that, to me, seemed to question why I was bothering with such a thing, if it was true, etc.

Actually, it started before that. Maybe because I didn't sense she wanted help with something and therefore, didn't suddenly appear to help.
And this starts me questioning my own experience. Am I justifying myself? Am I acting like an addict or am I being emotionally manipulated? Am I just being a jerk?
Now I did not react well. I got defensive. I was curt and a rude.
I don't like being that way. So I tend to be hard on myself.

So I spent most of the afternoon session of Conference upset, annoyed, and a little angry.
It didn't help that I was stretching my attention span. I was on Facebook, Twitter, texting a friend, and trying to take notes. I feel like I missed most of the messages. I got bits and pieces, but not the whole thing. Not the heart.
Then a friend messaged me and announced she had left the church. During Conference.
Gah.
So I wasn't feeling spiritual. I was feeling stressed and worried and sad.
Those feelings continued after conference.
So, I got up, went outside and worked in the garden and listened to my Dailies music until I calmed down. It worked, because I wasn't thinking snarky thoughts while listening. If I start thinking snarky, then I know my heart is not soft.
I'm feeling much better now.

I need to be active. I know I've been sitting waiting for God to tell me what to do. And I think now He's not going to help me if I just sit here.
So I'm accepting Tim's challenge to write down questions I have. I've done so. I said a brief prayer, as in "Okay, Heavenly Father, I'm doing this. I hope it works."
Another good thing this week is that I have worked on talking to Heavenly Father when I pray. Not merely reciting wants and needs or names of those I pray for, but telling him how I feel. What is going on, etc.

Well, since this didn't post... UPDATE!

Today, I had to work, but the whole point of work was to help my client watch conference.
I still missed parts of it, due to work and comings and goings and video games...
Alas, I was hoping for more concrete answers to my questions. Not quite President Monson getting up and saying "Stacey, this is what you should do" (although that would be nice), but, well, I didn't feel any Ah-ha moments. Moments where I felt I was receiving my answers. And I have felt that in the past. I do feel that I need to review all the sessions and talks this week with my questions in mind. Maybe one a night. What better way to spend my time?

I am so grateful for prophets, seers and revelators on the earth today. I am grateful for conference.
I am grateful for this ARP program and I am so privileged to be a member of this church.

Musical Interlude

It's late. I'm exhausted.
It's been a rough week, but a good week.

Since I'm too tired to blog, I wanted to share one of my favorite songs.

I listen to it when I'm feeling low. Addiction wise or life wise.
Not everything is lost, He can restore it.
With His love.
His love is enough. (Plus, the love of the Godhead. It's such an amazing concept and comfort that the Holy Ghost is rooting for us too)

Let's try that again.

I couldn't sleep Sunday night.
Part of the problem was that I was thinking about blog posts and wanted to record an experience I had, so I pulled out an old journal to find the entry and then started reading. Next thing I knew, it was 2 am and I was supposed to be to work in 5 hours.
Plus, reading those entries, from about 10 years ago, depressed me. I realized, while reading, that I am in a similar situation, (Hey, at least I'm not in my addiction!), where I am feeling stuck and trying to have faith that it will all work out, but wondering if I'm doing the right thing. If I'm on the right path.

BUT it was also good to see how I've changed. In those old entries, I talked about my fantasy world, my books, and "messing up" (that was my code word for masturbating).
I had a full time job that I lost because well, while my boss was gone, I came in maybe once a week. Today I have a job that I don't like, but I show up every shift. Yay for progress!

However, when I kneeled down to pray that night, I told Heavenly Father how I was feeling, which wasn't great, but I told Him that I had faith it would work out.
Still, I am so grateful for the experiences that I have had. They have taught me so much.

Oh, the experience I was going to share?
10 years ago I was having a horrible week. I was supposed to be going to a university in England for my last year of my school, but my funding fell through and I was suddenly not going. So I was having to find a place to live and register for classes. I found a place, but it wasn't available for a week, so I spent that week sleeping on a friend's floor and they weren't exactly clean so it was a little gross, and having to completely change my class and work schedule to graduate. So one day, walking back to my temporary home, I was tired and discouraged and a little bitter. The thought came that the Lord knew exactly how I felt and I replied, "I don't recall that Jesus was ever a university student."
That was slightly sacrilegious. And I felt humble and sorry for thinking that.
Eventually I settled down and life got better.

Anyway, going to work on 3 hours of sleep is not good. So I'm not sure I did a good job with the negative thoughts, as I was so tired I can't really remember my thoughts or most of the day.
And last night, as I knelt down, I remembered that I was supposed to have been watching my thoughts.
Ha ha ha. Okay, so we're going to try again.

Today I did okay on that. It was my day off and I was actually productive!
I also got to buy new garments! I love that I am worthy to purchase those sacred items.
Sometimes it pains me to remember what I did while wearing my garments. But I'm not that person anymore.
I am so grateful for the atonement.

It's been a gorgeous rainy day and I have enjoyed it. I feel at peace.

I just need to remember that God knows what is in store better than I ever do, will or can.

Giving up negative thoughts

Today I worked on Step 10! I halfway through my Study & Understanding section! Woot!

One of the answer sections asked that I give up negative thoughts for 24 hours.
So I'm doing it. Yep.
Next 24 hours.

Now I don't know if this means negative thoughts about myself or negative thoughts in general.
I am going to work on negative thoughts in general.
I want to be more positive. I want to have more gratitude.
I do not want to be down on myself. I don't want to judge others.

Well, this list is getting long, so let's just focus on negative thoughts. :)

This weekend for Relief Society, we wrote notes to the sisters in our ward. The notes were of
qualities we admired about that person.
I had fun writing mine.
Then I read the ones that were written to me.
Wow. I mean, I knew most of them would be about my smile and my laugh (that's what I usually get complimented on, not that I'm complaining).
Yet there were some that were on qualities I wasn't expecting. Or didn't realize others noticed. Or didn't think were important.
I felt loved.
That is what came to my mind when I read about giving up negative thoughts.
Seeing myself as other people see me.
Seeing life through eyes of gratitude.

Yesterday was hard. A huge feeling of sadness hit me in the afternoon.
Feeling lonely, sad, homesick for the UK, and feeling stuck.
I could have stayed on Facebook and looked at pictures of Scotland all day (probably not the best idea).
Instead, I got on K9 and discovered that you can set times the internet is off. Not just overnight, which I already had set, but actual hours during the day! So I have it set to turn off the internet for a couple hours a day, that way I'm not getting stuck online all day and wasting time. :) I'm spending too much of my day online.
I'm rather thrilled with this. Which is odd, when I think about it. I have less access to the internet. Woo!?
I also blocked a website I was wasting time on and that recently got more inappropriate. It had cool interesting posts, but lately I have to scroll through a lot of filth to get to the funny stuff.
A couple days ago I was glancing over Elder Holland's talk "Place No More For the Enemy of My Soul", and I realized that I was not following the suggestions Elder Holland makes in that talk.
One really stood out:
"Along with filters on computers and a lock on affections, remember that the only real control in life is self-control. Exercise more control over even the marginal moments that confront you. If a TV show is indecent, turn it off. If a movie is crude, walk out. If an improper relationship is developing, sever it. Many of these influences, at least initially, may not technically be evil, but they can blunt our judgment, dull our spirituality, and lead to something that could be evil."

That website, and some of the others I'm visiting are not "technically evil," but they are marginal. They can dull and blunt my spirituality and judgment and lead to not good things. So I blocked it.
The real temptation will be at work, where I don't have a filter on the internet there. And my job involves a lot of free time.
So I'm going to work on reading books, writing in my journal, cleaning, etc. 

After I worked on K9, I got up and cleaned the bathroom and my bedroom. It felt good to work.
It felt really good to climb into a nice, clean bed.

Today, I feel good. I'm off to bed.
Let the 24 hours begin now...

Well, that lasted a long time.

Tonight was PASG and I loved it. It was Step 11 tonight. I'm not on Step 11 yet, but the Lord helped me tonight.
This week has been difficult. I have been striving to get to bed early. So far, I'm averaging around 12pm... which isn't bad. Then I've been praying for patience with a client at work. And then getting annoyed and having a knee-jerk reaction. I specifically prayed about this today and it still happened.
It's been a long week already.
Frustration!

Anyway, but the Lord used Step 11 tonight to teach me that I can try again. To remind me that I am turning to Him, even if it's just to say "I am upset. Please help." (as I make the strangling gesture with my hands) ;) Probably should stop that, the gestures, not the talking.

Anyway, then today I found out the the employment opportunity I was hoping would happen is not likely... for now.
I don't count my chickens before they hatch. I count my chickens before their parents have hatched.

However, I noticed that I didn't get all "I don't know what to do with my life!"Or go into Children of Israel mode, I just sighed and made a plan. Keep applying for jobs. Hope I'm doing this right. Move forward.

Still working on gratitude and trying to really, really pray. To tell the Lord what is going on and not just expect Him to know. I mean, He does know, but I think He wants to hear from me too. Sharing with Him brings me closer to Him.

I know I promised to share what I've learned in my reading of the references for Alma 5:28 and I thought this was apt after today.
One of the scripture references in the Topical Guide under "Man, New, Spiritually Reborn" is:

1 Peter 1:3-4
3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, which according to his abundant mercy hath begotten us again unto a lively hope by the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead,
4 To an inheritance incorruptible, and undefiled, and that fadeth not away, reserved in heaven for you.

Isn't that lovely? I have an inheritance incorruptible reserved in heaven for me. I have a lively hope because my Savior lives! I am born again because of my Savior.

And this promise won't fade away.

I worry, but then I don't.

Anyway, it was rough week.
A couple day ago I was working and a co-worker would not shut up. Constant chatter and most of it was not, what I consider, appropriate. I wasn't triggering, I was disgusted. I should have said something, but I didn't. I just kept silent.
Next time, though, I won't be quiet. I will say something. I will also be keeping a prayer silently in my heart, so I know the words to say.

Anyway, so being tired and having to deal with this and other emotional stresses of the work day, I triggered. After the face.
I am so thankful for music. I had my Christian stations on the car radio (I've actually programmed my radio so they are preset and I don't have to scan for them. I love it). I came home and put on my Youtube playlist of Christian songs.

Then Saturday, which was okay. Except my mom said I was mean (teasingly) and, for some reason, that really hurt. Which led to a little... misunderstanding. She couldn't understand why I was upset.
I didn't explain it the best way.

That night, we rented Warm Bodies, which I had liked, but this time, well, it didn't trigger me, but I was bothered by 1) the objectification of the female characters and 2) the swearing.
So, sigh, mark that movie off. I swear I'm gonna have to stick with animated films and John Wayne movies.

Then, this morning, another little fight. So I read the blogs of family members and I think "Do I do that?" Do I yo-yo? Do I overreact? Do I justify my reaction? A great fear I have is that I'm not as far in recovery as I think I am. Which is why it's good to have people you can trust to talk to and know they will be honest with you.

So today, after church, I went to a recovery friend's house to work on Step 10. We talked and laughed and listened to good music. And I wrote and read and felt better. I actually started on the Study & Understanding section! Miracles!

I don't have any answers. Maybe I do deliberately hurt others. I do try to apologize. It's not an immediate thing (working on that), but I don't like hurting people. Nor do I like being hurt (well, who does?).

Basically, it's a process. It's probably not going to be completed in my lifetime, but I have to keep getting up and going forward. Ask for strength to make better decisions the next day.
Tonight I was feeling a bit down, so I put on some music.
And this song came on.
It's by Matthew West and I sing it in the Adversary's face.
It reminds me that I can do it. I am a child of the One True King. I am no longer defined by my past. I am new and I can start again. Every day.

This song gives me hope. As long as I keep moving forward and turning to my Heavenly Father, He will help me. I can overcome regret, defeat and addiction, because He is there.
Step 10 is really cool!

Warped Love

I have been working on this post since I started this blog.
I write a bit, delete it, try again, etc.

Then today I woke up ill so what better way to have time to finish the blog?
Since my other plans are a little hard to complete when you get dizzy standing up.

I hope this makes sense.

Basically, I have been on one date since I started recovery. I was one and a half hours late to that date because, well, I freaked out.
What if I did something? What if he tried to kiss me? What if I triggered?
They were all wild and crazy fears, but they were still there.
Big, huge waves of fear.
It went okay. Surprisingly, there was no follow up date. Go figure.

Anyway, I bring this up because I've developed a crush on a nice guy in my ward. This is my second one since recovery and I really don't like it.
My first crush was on a co-worker. It was horrible.

Why? Well, it's complicated. I suddenly realized that I had used fantasies to "create" a fictional relationship. I would create aspects of him that probably didn't exist. I would be further along in the relationship because I was fantasizing about us. I liked him, he must like me. He must feel the same way. Then I'd get angry when he didn't react the way I wanted him to react.
Reading through old journal entries about my last major relationship, I realized that I had done this.
Having this crush on my co-worker brought out a lot of it.
I didn't enjoy the experience.
I'm starting to figure out why. I'm trying to learn how to like a guy and not retreat into fantasy land.

And it's so complicated.
One part of it was my childhood.
I was abused as a child.

For years I didn't realize it.
It wasn't the Hollywood version, where I cowered in fear every night.
My dad wasn't a drug or alcohol addict. He wasn't horrible every single day.
I wasn't beaten and sent to school with bruises. I didn't have to lie about how I got them.
He was the Executive Secretary in our ward.

One day, when I was around 14, I was taking a Home-Ec class.
Our teacher (bless her forever) actually talked about the Cycle of Abuse.
In Mormon Central! (I grew up in a predominantly LDS community where this kind of thing wasn't talked about)
Here it is:

That was my childhood.

Growing up, I learned I wasn't good enough. Because, obviously, if I was good, my daddy wouldn't hurt me.
But my daddy did hurt me.
Therefore, it must be my fault. My child brain reasoned that it had to be my fault.
So I had to be good. I had to please people. If they were happy, then I would be happy. They wouldn't hurt me. I became a people pleaser. And I used my addiction to escape. I created fantasies about being strong. I created this ideal man who would never hurt me. The perfect man.
I told myself that if I could just have a boyfriend then I would be fine. When I did have a boyfriend (I have had only one), the addiction went away. So, I reasoned, I needed that love and support from a guy. I couldn't do it on my own. And because I was really good at fantasies, well, that bled into my
relationship with guys.
I created a fantasy man in every guy I liked.
A fantasy relationship. Etc.

The first step to realizing this was at university, when I began seeing a counselor about issues regarding my dad. At the time, I was obsessed with this guy. I would fantasize about him, have conversations with him, think about him all the time. If Facebook had been around then I definitely would have stalked him. Anyway, I worried it meant I was crazy. So she gave me this book on limerence and love.
Limerence is infatuation. It's more about you and less about object of your infatuation. You fantasize about your crush seeing you, watching you, talking to you. It's about what you have to do to make them fall in love with you. Sound familiar?

Limerence can grow into love. You have to work at overcoming limerence and allowing love to develop. To be more concerned about the person, instead of you.
The book really helped me see that I was normal. We all do this. The point of the book was overcoming limerence and allowing it to become love. But with my addiction, I let it go too far.

I was chin deep in my addiction at that point.
So I kept the fantasies.
Fueled by what I was reading.

Recently, I realized that abuse is warped love. But my dad wasn't the only contributor.
Written porn novels also present abusive relationships as normal and romantic.
Most "romance" books I read had the hero treat the girl horribly. Play with her emotions, scare her, stalk her, hurt her physically or emotionally, and then explain it all away by saying he loved her at the end. Oh, it was okay now.

Written porn is about the woman. How she is seen by the man. It's complete limerence, with pornography in there for added damage.
I never realized how this reading warped my perceptions. It warped my sense of healthy relationships and interactions.
I'm slowly replacing those issues with truth.

To honest, I am so happily single. For years I wanted to be married. I thought I could only be happy being married. I finally made peace with myself and who I am. I am in a good place.

Truthfully, I am scared to be married. Scared to have to confess my addiction to my significant other. Scared of relapses and triggers.

Then I remind myself that I don't need to freak out about something that isn't even a possibility yet.

We'll take it when it comes, me and God together.

So I'm watching what I read. I try to recognize unhealthy relationships in tv and movies and books.

I'm turning my triggers and temptations over to Heavenly Father.
Having faith He can heal what I cannot.
That I can be in a healthy dating/marital relationship one day.
Let's hope.

A "whoa" moment.

Yesterday was hard.
I woke up from a user dream that felt so real, I worried that it was real. That I had slipped. I prayed.
User dreams. Ugh.
After praying, I felt that it was just a dream. But I still read the Ensign to recover while eating breakfast.
It was a nice day after that. Helped some friends, got to hold a baby, and no more triggers.

Then, last night, while I was cleaning my room, I decided to listen to some music.
I chose one labeled Favorite Songs.
However, I had forgot that this playlist was made quite a while ago, when I was still in fantasy world mode. Not all the songs, but I realized a few could trigger me. Still, I figured I would just get rid of those songs. So I hit play.
The first song popped up. It was a favorite one from a TV show I was obsessed with and had to sacrifice because, well, long story. Triggers. Fantasy world, etc.
So the photo displaying while the song played was from this show. Trigger. Okay, I deleted that video from the playlist... but I remember liking the song, so I found a different video of the song and it started playing.

A trigger wave.
That is the only way I can describe it.
The song is not bad. It's not dirty or suggestive. It's just a song. But I used it to fuel my fantasies regarding that TV show.
And my brain remembered.
Suddenly, wow, I could remember the exact fantasy I'd crafted to that song.
And then all the fantasies I'd created around that show were there. In my mind. Tugging and pulling for my attention.
More triggers.
Whoa.
I shut the computer and decided to run an errand.
More triggers in the car.
Maybe I should have prayed to Heavenly Father (maybe I was saying subconscious prayers). This was surreal! I felt such a pull toward the fantasies/addiction. A pull that I haven't felt in such a long time. At the same time, there was a desire to pull away from it.
I was fighting myself.
So I turned up the radio. It was already set to a Christian station.
The song that was playing I can't remember, but I felt peace fill my mind.
I sang out loud. I thanked Heavenly Father for good music. I asked for forgiveness for my thoughts.
By the time I got to my destination, I felt tons better. More Christian music on the way home.
When I got to my room, I deleted that song and all the songs that I realized would trigger me because of why I listened to them.
My playlist is now safe, I think. I will check again.
Saving that for tomorrow.

Today, though. Today felt great. I only got half the sacrament, but church was wonderful.
The testimonies and lessons were exactly what I needed to hear.

It's been a very spiritual day. I fasted and lasted until 6!
I've decided to start being consistent with my nightly routine and going to bed at a decent time (yet here I am at midnight writing on my blog. Sigh. Well, tomorrow is another day).

Today, I've listened to great music. I have a Christian Favs playlist on youtube so I put that on... although my. word. Youtube... what is up with the ads? I'm listening to music about Christ! Can't the ads match?

I also went to a ward sing along. I love the hymns!

Now I want to share a song that I really like. The past couple weeks, I've only caught the end of it, but I was curious. So today I looked up the whole song. LOVE it. It's a Christian song by Chris Tomlin.

I'm coming back to the start
where You found me
I'm coming back to Your heart
now I surrender
Take me
This is all I can bring

I'm coming back to the start
our God is freedom
and here we feel Your heart
Your heart beat for us
Take me
This is all I can bring

Chorus:
You'll never stop loving us
no matter how far we run
You'll never give up on us
all of heaven is shouting
let the future begin

I have no idea what God's great dance floor is, which is why the song caught my attention. Chris Tomlin relates it to the party the Prodigal Son's father threw for him and God's grace. He says God's grace is His great dance floor.
Still have no idea what that means. But, it's a cool image.
Plus, the video has a man in sombrero playing the trumpet. That is so cool!

They look like they are so happy. Even the security guard is dancing! This song brings me happiness. I cry when I listen to it. Yet it makes me want to dance.

Because of His grace, I am alive. I come alive.

Heavenly Father never gives up on us.

I am grateful in the storm.

The past couple days have been a little difficult.
I've been triggering really bad. Even TV commercials. I can't even watch morning TV! Seriously, they are so... inappropriate.

BUT I am loving the scripture study for Alma 5:27. I finished reading all the scriptures in the Topical Guide under "Man, New, Spiritually Reborn." Wow.
I need to do another blog post about the scriptures, because this would be a really, really long post.

I've been feeling very peaceful since my blessing. Not perfectly peaceful, but, well... peaceful.
One example is my job.
Not hate... it's very complicated. I am getting to the point that I feel that I need to move on, but I've told the Lord that I will stay if He wants me to stay. I'm trusting that something good is coming. I know that I've needed this experience. It has really helped me with Step 7. One of my friends told me she was doing an inventory of her character weaknesses... which I didn't know was a thing to do. But the Lord helped me with them anyway. Oh, did He help me. He's put me in situations and jobs that have led to me dealing with those weaknesses with His help to overcome them.

I listen to a lot of Christian radio. Actually, that's all I listen to. Yes, there is a local station that plays Mormon music. They even have Conference talks and BYU devotionals at times. The only problem is the music tends to be a bit... boring. There I said it! I'm sorry, but it is!
You can only listen to 5 different orchestral renditions of "O My Father" so many times. I love Kenneth Cope. I love Michael McLean and Michael Webb, but other than them, most contemporary Mormon music is the same.

Anyway, I started listening to Christian over a year ago when I was on my way to a PASG conference and wanted to listen to something spiritual to prepare myself and I was out of range of the Mormon station. I heard "You Love Me Anyway" by Sidewalk Prophets and it really touched me. After that, I started listening on my way to work.
Now I listen to it pretty much all the time! I don't like contemporary radio stations. This way, I don't worry about a lot of commercials or having triggering songs suddenly come on the radio.
Now I have a huge list of songs that I love. Christian music just gets it (for me at least).

One of the stations plays sermons of ministers. I like to listen to them occasionally because, well the insights are cool. Not at a First Presidency, Elder Holland or the Quorum of the Twelve level, but pretty good. Yesterday I was listening to one on the Children of Israel while I did some outside work. He talked about being grateful IN our afflictions. He used the concept of cancer and how you may not be grateful to have cancer, but we can be grateful for the blessings IN having cancer.
That's how I feel about my addiction. I am not grateful I have depression and panic attacks either, but I can be grateful in those situations. I am not grateful I am an addict. It is hard, but at the same time, I see the blessings, the changes that are in my life because of recovery and I give thanks that I am in it.
I am grateful for the awesome people I have met. The wonderful ARP missionaries I get to work with. A manual that is so worn out and gets damaged more every day (I should post pictures).
I am so grateful to be in my own head!
No fantasy world. I'm working on the obsessive thinking, but that, at least, is real.
Less TV and music.
A relationship with God is definitely more worthwhile than Game of Thrones.

Yet I still struggle. I've been very homesick for the United Kingdom lately. It comes in waves. This one is a huge wave.
I am trying to have faith it will all work out.

I attend the Correlation meetings for ARP missionaries. I like it because the missionaries are awesome and I love getting to know the elders. We always have a lesson on the next step and this week was Step 10. That means I get to facilitate on it too. Ha ha ha.
I realized, while I was listening, that I have been over thinking Step 10, putting way too much pressure on myself. So I am going to work on the Study & Understanding this weekend and see where I go from there. But not keep putting it off!
Also, really cool moment. I was online and came across one of those advice blogs and I thought "I can't read that, because then I'll have to tell someone." Accountability is helpful!

I have a new "theme" song. I've added it to my playlist that I listen to almost every day.
It's the latest from Mandisa and, well, I sang it tonight in my car and the tears came, a little.

Addiction. Life. Hardship. Trials. All can be overcome with the Savior.

I know that is true.
1 John 5:4-5
For whatsoever is born of God overcometh the world: and this is the victory that overcometh the word, even our faith.
Who is he that overcometh the world, but he that believeth that Jesus is the Son of God?

I am an overcomer.

Tender mercies and blessings.

Well, hello all!

Wednesday night, after PASG, I was talking with one of my friends and she told me that I was probably making Step 10 a bigger deal than it needed to be.

That may be true. I do tend to do that with the steps. So I thought, I need to talk with my Bishop. He would help me see if I am trying to overdo Step 10.
Well, each day passed and I would forget to call and make an appointment.
I didn't remember until last night.

Well, I thought, it's too late. Maybe I can try to schedule one for next week.

Two really cool things happened today.
1) I woke late because, well, I stayed up way too late reading a book.
But it was a good book! I stayed up reading it because I loved the story and, yes, I knew I could just read it later... but just one more chapter... ha ha.

Anyway, so I hurried and dressed. I've missed the sacrament two weeks in a row. I did not want to make it three! "Please, Heavenly Father." Please help me get the sacrament. I was 15 minutes late and as I walked into the church, I heard them singing... the sacrament hymn! Yes!
Thank you. Thank you, Heavenly Father.
I was able to read the sacrament hymn and take the sacrament and pray... it was lovely. A tender mercy.

2) After the sacrament, the bishopric spoke. Very good talks and then my Bishop got up to talk and he talked about the Atonement and how it can be used to change us. The Spirit started nudging me, see him today. See the Bishop today. You need to see him today. Not so subtle.  Quiet, yes.

So I saw him. We talked. We laughed. He told me how pleased he was that I was working the program. He gave me a blessing.
It was an uplifting experience.

So I didn't get a chance to work on Step 10 today, but I'm not going to stress about it. One day at at time.
I'm going to work on balancing my days. Staying close to the Lord. Finding my path.

I'm also going to work on gratitude this week. I try to read the Ensign through every month before the end of the month. This month's First Presidency Message is from President Eyeing on gratitude. It was a message I needed to read. I need to work on gratitude for so many things. So I'm starting out my prayers with what I'm grateful for each morning and night.
Today I am grateful for bishops.

This isn't going away.

This entry is an accumulation of thoughts from the past, well, two years.
I've been working on it since I started the blog.
This morning I woke up, exhausted, tired and stumbled out of bed.
I instantly felt...bad.
The thought in my mind was that I had messed up. Slipped.
I was so tired, that praying wasn't helping because I still had the feeling of wrongness.
But I hadn't done anything wrong!
It was tough, but I pushed through it and felt a lot better. Reading this month's Ensign helped.

Anyway, this ties in because, well, my addiction isn't going to go away. As in, I won't wake up one day and go pick up a romance novel. I have to watch myself.

Outside my PASG meetings, there are free Deseret News newspapers. I usually grab one and sometimes I actually get around to reading it. :)
A few weeks ago, I actually sat down after the meeting and read the first article, "The Reboot." Why? Well, the article about brain chemistry and pornography addiction. So of course I wanted to read it.
As I finished it, my mom asked me what I was reading and I told her.
This look flashed across her face.

Thursday night I was trying to find something to watch and she asked for Vampire Diaries. So I switched the station, which was luckily on a commercial, and left the room. She called "You don't have to leave." But, I do. That show is one of my triggers.

She's accused me in the past of being judgmental of what she watches, so I catch myself before I say anything.

But it's hard.
I can barely watch kissing on TV!

Now I'm not saying my family is not supportive in my recovery. My mom's come to a couple meetings. My brother's come to another ARP meeting I facilitated.
Yet, this is the same brother, in asking (yet again), why I wasn't doing the online dating thing... I mentioned to my bro, in the course of this conversation, that I was frightened of having to tell my future husband about my addiction. His response, "Well, maybe he doesn't need to know." (Oh, I'm pretty darn sure he's going to want to know about this.)
These experiences sum up the feeling I get from my family. The silent questions, "Aren't you over this yet?" "Hasn't it been long enough?" "Shouldn't you be 'fixed' by now?"

And I want to reply, "This isn't going away!"
I mean that in the best possible way! Part of me doesn't want it to go away.
In the ARP presentations I do, the script used by the missionaries say "In AA, the phrase is once an addict, always an addict. But we believe that through the atonement of Jesus Christ, you can be healed."
I actually don't like this part. Hey, I'm not saying Christ doesn't heal us, I'm living proof that He does, BUT...
They are both right. Addiction isn't something that can be fixed. It's not something we get over and move on with our lives. I am an addict. Christ healing me doesn't change this fact. When I first started recovery, I thought that I would do the 12 steps in 12 weeks and then be fixed! I could go back to my life and that pesky addiction wouldn't be a problem anymore.
Oh, ha ha ha ha ha ha.
I had/have to continue to sacrifice and work at recovery.
In 20 years I'm fairly sure I'm still going to need to monitor my reading, music and viewing choices. I'm still going to need to be working the manual, doing my dailies, and working recovery. Yet, this excites me. It doesn't depress me.
Because I'm changed. Christ and my Heavenly Father (and the Holy Ghost) changed me. I can change back if I want, but why would I want to?

Oh, yes it's hard. It's hard to not be able to read the books that everyone is reading or watch the TV shows everyone loves and quotes on Facebook (bye bye Big Bang Theory. You're funny, but so dirty. Bye bye Friends. Joey and Chandler are addicted to porn and everyone laughs.)
Films are out too. I made the mistake of going to see a Gerard Butler film that was PG-13. It was the one time I didn't read the Pluggedin review, because it was Gerard Butler. I love him!
And I spent half the movie plugging my ears and humming because it was triggering me.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
It wasn't worth it!

I don't want this to turn into a hopeless blog entry. It's not. It's full of hope! Healing is possible!
But recovery requires sacrifices.
When Jesus told the woman caught in adultery to go her way and sin no more, He meant it!
She couldn't go back to the same situation. She had to change. She had to sacrifice.
The reward she received was worth more than the sin!

I have had to give up "so much," okay it definitely felt that way at the time. Yet, it wasn't! A closer relationship with my Heavenly Father (we're working on that), feeling better about myself, feeling better about life... there are so many blessings from the sacrifices.

For my scripture study, I've been reading the footnotes in Alma 5:14-30 (for Step 10... see I'm kinda working it). Anyway, it's Alma discourse on keeping a change of heart.
Verse 26: And now behold, I say unto you, my brethren, if ye have experienced a ^achange of heart, and if ye have felt to sing the^bsong of redeeming love, I would ask, ^ccan ye feel so now?

Footnote a references three Topical Guide subjects: Change; Conversion; Man, New, Spiritually Reborn. So I decided to read all the references for every topic. I've just started on Man, New, Spiritually Reborn... these scriptures are amazing! Read them!
One of the first ones is Jeremiah 24:7
And I will give them an heart to know me, that I am the Lord: and they shall be my people, and I will be their God: for they shall return unto me with their whole heart.

I want my heart to know God. I want to be His daughter. I want to return to Him with my whole heart. Every day! 

Do I succeed at this? Not always, but the promise is still there.

If I had not been in recovery, I don't think I would be where I am spiritually. This is worth it!

So, another song. Another Mercy Me song. "The Hurt and Healer."

This is how I felt starting recovery. This is how I still feel. It's so hard to trust Him, to let go, but He can breathe my heart back to life. I can fall into His arms. I'm alive because my Savior healed me. He is healing me. I am glad my addiction/addictive personality isn't going away.

I never thought I'd say that.