One of my favorite movies is A Knight's Tale because, well Paul Bettany as Chaucer and it's just a great movie. A line that I've adopted for hard times comes from aforementioned Chaucer. He's lost everything gambling and he's walking all alone when one of the characters asks him what he's doing.
Chaucer: Uh... trudging. You know, trudging?
[They all stare at him]
Chaucer: To trudge: the slow, weary, depressing yet determined walk of a man who has nothing left in life except the impulse to simply soldier on.
Lately it feels like I am trudging. Simply soldiering on in hopes that I will find something...
and I'm struggling.
I recently started a new intense therapy for my depression and anxiety. It's working, but-- much like recovery-- it's hard, it's emotional, it's going to take time. I've had many low days, depressed days, and it's affected my work. Which is an added stress. I'm easily triggered and very emotional. I've had to avoid news, social media as it relates to politics, etc. I've had to reset my expectations of what I can and can't accomplish in a day... and be happy with the results, even if all my to-do boxes aren't checked off.
One thing that's been hard is my addiction. I've been in recovery for seven years, but I find myself easily triggered now in podcasts, music... all the old triggers. I know it's because my body and my brain want to help me... and that's how they used to do it! And I may have slipped up last night. I stayed up late late into the night watching romantic movies. Historical romance. Because I'm lonely. I would love some romance in my life. A partner. I'm so tired of doing it all myself... but at the same time I have no desire to even get out there and date. I tried to go to a Singles Dance a few weeks ago and... never again. I'm okay being single, I love my life. I so do not want to have to deal with all the dating crap I would have to go through right now... but...
So I found myself watching these videos, movies I've seen before. Based on historical fiction books. Very romantic... and I felt that longing, that feeling of wanting that or desiring that feeling, and the longing that comes with watching people kiss. I used to use kissing or sex scenes in movies to feed my addiction. So I'm not sure if last night was a slip up, or just a simple longing for something I don't have in my life... I want to talk with my bishop, who is a good man... but I don't feel comfortable talking to him about this.
One of the reasons? My testimony is struggling. It has been ever since the news broke of the MTC abuse scandal. As a victim of abuse myself. As someone who was treated differently, especially when my parents divorced... a someone who was not believed... to read that response from the Prophet of the Church... broke me. Because I'd always held onto the hope that a prophet would have reacted differently than my bishop did. I held onto the talks given over the years from these same leaders that abuse was wrong. They condemned it... except for now, apparently. Because that first statement blamed the victim. And THEN to find out they had known about this for EIGHT years! This predator has never been punished! And this woman is still trying to be heard. It broke me. I watched as fellow abuse victims in group struggled with it. I struggled with it. Because this is not how the Savior would have acted.
One night I had a huge crisis of faith, because if these "prophets" could treat a victim of abuse in such a way... was the Church even true? Where would I go?
I stayed. I stayed because I believe in the gospel. I believe the gospel is true. I believe in eternal families, and priesthood power, and the ARP program. That is from Heavenly Father. I believe that God is trying to work with human beings... but I struggle to accept President Nelson as a prophet. I've struggled through each conference this year. The lack of women giving talks or prayers. The lack of talking about real, pressing issues. The obnoxious emphasis on the name. Then, to be told by these same priesthood leaders that my sole role in this life is to be a nurturer and to get married and have babies... that can't be my sole purpose! I am single. My purpose has to be more than that. More than waiting until I'm dead to get the real blessings that I missed out on this life.
Today, I didn't go to church. Mostly because I slept through it. I've been struggling with attending church. I don't feel that I belong.
I did talk to my bishop about my concerns and he helped, a little, but he thinks "there's more to the story." Which I don't believe.
Anyway... that's where I am. Today, even though it's Sunday, I think I will clean my house while trying to listen to conference. I did love many of the talks from October Conference... I'm working on it. Maybe we're in transition. Because the Church has changed, my bishop pointed out, it will continue to change. I must hold on to the belief that the gospel is true.
Because the Church's ARP program has changed me. It saved me in many ways.
I'm going through my own transition as well. In an effort to help my therapy be easier, I'm simplifying my life. One way is that I'm changing PASG groups. They moved my original one further away and it's a struggle to get there. Plus, there is a different ARP mission area closer to me and I feel the desire to be closer to home. Most of the women from the group when I originally began coming, no longer come. It's new people and I figure I can feel just as alone in a new group and not have to drive 20 miles. And to not have to freak out every week trying to survive the interstate traffic. I hope to make new friends there.
Wish me luck as a trudge.
Showing posts with label panic attacks. Show all posts
Showing posts with label panic attacks. Show all posts
Sunday, October 21, 2018
Sunday, March 18, 2018
Recovery will involve pain
I had surgery a month ago. My first (and hopefully my last). The other night at ARP meeting, I had a revelation of sorts.
I've been in recovery since 2011 and this month marks my seventh anniversary! Go, me!
It was "minor" surgery, but it was hard. Medical fears are one of my anxiety triggers. I have felt peace beyond understanding, but also moments of extreme anxiety and panic. Great waves.
But I survived. It's been a difficult time. More depression. More anxiety. Pain at the surgery sight. Getting over the anesthesia... it took longer than I thought. When my surgeon said I'd be able to go back to work right after... I believed him. And he was right, but not entirely. I did go back to work, but I also couldn't work full days and had to take lots of naps.
I'm still recovering in a lot of ways...but I can do more each day.
A lot like addiction recovery!
When I started the ARP program, I thought it would be 12 steps in 12 weeks and I would be "fixed."
Instead, it's been seven years! It's wonderful, because I've been healed, not merely fixed.
But it took (a lot) longer than I thought and it was painful... very painful.
However, though my arm hurts since the surgery, it doesn't hurt as bad as it did before the operation. That was a lot sharp pain.
I knew addiction recovery would be painful... and it was... but it was a lighter pain than when I was an addict. Does that make sense? It's been hard and it's hurt, but it's a healing hurt... not a bottomless, deep hurt.
I admit that I'm missing my addiction this week. With my struggles with mental health, the desire to escape into fantasy have been there, a lot more than usual. But I know it wouldn't help. Reality would still be there.
So that's my great realization.
Recovery from addiction isn't easy. It's hard. It's painful. But it's worth it. Because the pain hiding underneath is much worse than the pain of the healing process.
I've been in recovery since 2011 and this month marks my seventh anniversary! Go, me!
It was "minor" surgery, but it was hard. Medical fears are one of my anxiety triggers. I have felt peace beyond understanding, but also moments of extreme anxiety and panic. Great waves.
But I survived. It's been a difficult time. More depression. More anxiety. Pain at the surgery sight. Getting over the anesthesia... it took longer than I thought. When my surgeon said I'd be able to go back to work right after... I believed him. And he was right, but not entirely. I did go back to work, but I also couldn't work full days and had to take lots of naps.
I'm still recovering in a lot of ways...but I can do more each day.
A lot like addiction recovery!
When I started the ARP program, I thought it would be 12 steps in 12 weeks and I would be "fixed."
Instead, it's been seven years! It's wonderful, because I've been healed, not merely fixed.
But it took (a lot) longer than I thought and it was painful... very painful.
However, though my arm hurts since the surgery, it doesn't hurt as bad as it did before the operation. That was a lot sharp pain.
I knew addiction recovery would be painful... and it was... but it was a lighter pain than when I was an addict. Does that make sense? It's been hard and it's hurt, but it's a healing hurt... not a bottomless, deep hurt.
I admit that I'm missing my addiction this week. With my struggles with mental health, the desire to escape into fantasy have been there, a lot more than usual. But I know it wouldn't help. Reality would still be there.
So that's my great realization.
Recovery from addiction isn't easy. It's hard. It's painful. But it's worth it. Because the pain hiding underneath is much worse than the pain of the healing process.
Sunday, October 22, 2017
ARP is about more than addiction
The past couple months have been crazy! Not "I ended up in the hospital" crazy, but crazy. God decided to answer my long standing prayers to find a new place to live in one weekend. With 15 days to move! And it was hard.
I had to say goodbye to a place I've lived for two years! A ward I loved and people I considered friends.... and then things didn't end well with my landlady. Which also hurt.
I thought moving would fix everything and I found myself feeling depressed and anxious and still being late for work. My body was trying to deal with the sudden change, and the difficulty of that last day and I was starting therapy...
This week has been hard emotionally. I felt that I needed help, only to be asked to wait for a leadership meeting to be over. There are a lot of stresses and I've had some horrible user dreams.
But I did realize that the ARP program is not just about addiction.
I've started a new ARP manual and as I was reading Step 1, I realized that I could replace addiction with anxiety or depression and it was still true. I was being prideful, I was not being honest with myself and I was struggling.
I need to write and get a lot of this out, because keeping it inside is making my emotional state wobble and crash.
I do love that I have another resource for recovery from my mental hurts, the manual. So my goal today is to answer one question from the Study & Understanding section in Step 1.
Wish me luck.
I had to say goodbye to a place I've lived for two years! A ward I loved and people I considered friends.... and then things didn't end well with my landlady. Which also hurt.
I thought moving would fix everything and I found myself feeling depressed and anxious and still being late for work. My body was trying to deal with the sudden change, and the difficulty of that last day and I was starting therapy...
This week has been hard emotionally. I felt that I needed help, only to be asked to wait for a leadership meeting to be over. There are a lot of stresses and I've had some horrible user dreams.
But I did realize that the ARP program is not just about addiction.
I've started a new ARP manual and as I was reading Step 1, I realized that I could replace addiction with anxiety or depression and it was still true. I was being prideful, I was not being honest with myself and I was struggling.
I need to write and get a lot of this out, because keeping it inside is making my emotional state wobble and crash.
I do love that I have another resource for recovery from my mental hurts, the manual. So my goal today is to answer one question from the Study & Understanding section in Step 1.
Wish me luck.
Sunday, July 23, 2017
If you don't take the time to be well...
The above quote is from Elder Holland's talk "Like A Broken Vessel," which has always been one of my favorites, because I am broken in many, many ways. Sometimes I feel irrevocably so.
The entire quote is "Physicians promise us that if we do not take time to be well, we most assuredly
will take time later on to be ill." And I learned lesson a few weeks ago...
With the stress of trying to find a place to live, commuting, dealing with late nights, and depression and anxiety... I was letting things slip.
And I was hit with a major trigger... I found out I might have to see a family member that I haven't seen in over a decade and have no desire to see or ever have anything to do with. At the time, I thought I was fine with it.
I've forgiven this person, but, as ARP has taught me, it doesn't mean I have to have a relationship with them. Especially when they refuse to change.
Anyway... at the time I didn't think anything of this. I'd come off a slightly stressful weekend with family (trigger festival galore) and a long, stressful day. I was trying to get ready for a work conference and... I had a breakdown and ended up in the hospital.
It was wave after wave of anxiety attacks. I couldn't get control of it and I realized at group this week that it was because I haven't been taking the time to be well. Spiritually, emotionally, or physically.
My meditation has fallen by the wayside. I don't exercise. I barely get enough sleep and I skipped church to spend the day looking at apartments online. (It's no surprise none of those panned out.)
I was running faster than I had strength and when the anxiety attack came... I couldn't handle it. And I ended up in the ER followed by another day of anxiety attacks. Plus, a few user dreams because that is how I usually dealt with this in the past.
It's been very hard, I've been forced to deal with emotions and triggers I've buried for a long time. Also, because God didn't instantly fix me. I got a blessing from a random man that day and I still ended up in the ER. I was mad because I wanted the immediate healing. And I didn't get it. I didn't start feeling okay for a couple days. I thought that my Heavenly Father hadn't helped me, that He had... not abandoned me, but definitely didn't do things my way.
Until I realized that I had led myself to this. The consequences were something I was complicit in because I had become complacent (from Elder Sabin's talk this last conference).
The best part? I survived! The worst happened and I didn't die. I didn't end up broken and irreparable in some psych ward... lost forever.
My Heavenly Father was there. He sent angels on both sides of the veil.
And I'm learning to take better care of myself and focus more on including the Savior and Heavenly Father in my life. I'm taking the time to be well and in recovery.
Hope is there. The future is bright and God is over all.
This is one of my favorite songs right now. It's how I feel. I'm may be dry bones, but my Heavenly Father will raise me up again.
"I may just be dry bones
Stripped of sinew and skin
But the wind of His spirit
Will raise me up again
I lift my eyes
I look to the horizon now
Oh, there's still a song to sing
Fall down on your knees and cry aloud
Can you hear
Can you hear that thunder
Sing His name, sing it out
'Til the sky spills over"
The entire quote is "Physicians promise us that if we do not take time to be well, we most assuredly
will take time later on to be ill." And I learned lesson a few weeks ago...
With the stress of trying to find a place to live, commuting, dealing with late nights, and depression and anxiety... I was letting things slip.
And I was hit with a major trigger... I found out I might have to see a family member that I haven't seen in over a decade and have no desire to see or ever have anything to do with. At the time, I thought I was fine with it.
I've forgiven this person, but, as ARP has taught me, it doesn't mean I have to have a relationship with them. Especially when they refuse to change.
Anyway... at the time I didn't think anything of this. I'd come off a slightly stressful weekend with family (trigger festival galore) and a long, stressful day. I was trying to get ready for a work conference and... I had a breakdown and ended up in the hospital.
It was wave after wave of anxiety attacks. I couldn't get control of it and I realized at group this week that it was because I haven't been taking the time to be well. Spiritually, emotionally, or physically.
My meditation has fallen by the wayside. I don't exercise. I barely get enough sleep and I skipped church to spend the day looking at apartments online. (It's no surprise none of those panned out.)
I was running faster than I had strength and when the anxiety attack came... I couldn't handle it. And I ended up in the ER followed by another day of anxiety attacks. Plus, a few user dreams because that is how I usually dealt with this in the past.
It's been very hard, I've been forced to deal with emotions and triggers I've buried for a long time. Also, because God didn't instantly fix me. I got a blessing from a random man that day and I still ended up in the ER. I was mad because I wanted the immediate healing. And I didn't get it. I didn't start feeling okay for a couple days. I thought that my Heavenly Father hadn't helped me, that He had... not abandoned me, but definitely didn't do things my way.
Until I realized that I had led myself to this. The consequences were something I was complicit in because I had become complacent (from Elder Sabin's talk this last conference).
The best part? I survived! The worst happened and I didn't die. I didn't end up broken and irreparable in some psych ward... lost forever.
My Heavenly Father was there. He sent angels on both sides of the veil.
And I'm learning to take better care of myself and focus more on including the Savior and Heavenly Father in my life. I'm taking the time to be well and in recovery.
Hope is there. The future is bright and God is over all.
"I may just be dry bones
Stripped of sinew and skin
But the wind of His spirit
Will raise me up again
I lift my eyes
I look to the horizon now
Oh, there's still a song to sing
Fall down on your knees and cry aloud
Can you hear
Can you hear that thunder
Sing His name, sing it out
'Til the sky spills over"
Sunday, September 18, 2016
Up, down and all around
Hi! I haven't posted in the last few weeks because, well... life.
I lost my job after only two months and struggled with being out of work again. There wasn't the cushion of money and, honestly, losing two jobs in five months is not great on the self-esteem.
So I went back to job hunting. It was hard and I struggled with anxiety and depression and triggers.
I was definitely having many Children of Israel "moments" where I worried that nothing good was coming.
But it has come! I have a job! A career that I am sure I will love. Interestingly enough, it came the week I've struggled very hard with my triggers.
It started with a British show that I had chosen not to watch when it aired last year, for various reasons, but was curious enough to rent it from my library before the new series aired... and it turns out I should have listened to that original prompting.
It wasn't a explicit show, in fact, it was actually tame, but I ended up watching six hours straight, staying up until 5am, which is not good to do the week before you start a new job, but what was unexpected was the longing that the main male character brought out in me. There were a lot of intense emotions.
The main character is played by a very beautiful man and the character in the story is a good guy too... stands up for the weak, etc. And suddenly I was dealing with feelings of passion and longing and desire that I had not felt in, well, over two years. My heart was broken and I realize now, that I shut down my heart and those natural desires. I am social, but I've avoided the local Single Adult group like it was infested with the plague. If God wanted me to meet someone, it was going to involve a high amount of Divine intervention.
Now here I was, early in the morning after spending six hours intensely involved in a tv show, feeling all these emotions and desires that were triggering and I was being triggered. I found myself looking up the actor, which used to be a prelude to indulging in my fantasy addiction. I stopped. Also, I've been triggering all week. As I was driving to Group this week, I realized that what I was feeling wasn't bad or wrong! These are natural feelings and emotions. It was how I needed to deal with them. Limerence, love, passion, desire... are normal! I had taken them and distorted them. Then, the big reveal happened... this was happening because Heavenly Father wants me to learn how to "bridle my passions" for a future relationship. (Not that I have any idea how far away this future is... it could be years)... so that revelation led to my realization that I had tampered all romantic emotions. Honestly, my first reaction was ugh. I do not feel at all ready or even willing for this. It brings up a lot of deep-seated fears about intimacy and marriage that I've struggled with for years. But I will soldier through. A friend in group sent me a couple great articles on this topic. I might share these later.
One of the hardest parts from this week was reading articles posted by a Mormon on sex and porn addictions being myths. That is a whole other blog post, which I hope to write soon. Still, with that temptation there... and the idea that it isn't a "real"addiction... that created a whole new issue and trigger.
BUT I resisted! Prayer helped a lot. I reached out to my Heavenly Father constantly. I look forward to learning more about myself and how to control my emotions and passions. Because what I feel isn't a sin! All this will be okay. I have my PASG group. I have my defenses and actions. I have my Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost cheering me on.
I lost my job after only two months and struggled with being out of work again. There wasn't the cushion of money and, honestly, losing two jobs in five months is not great on the self-esteem.
So I went back to job hunting. It was hard and I struggled with anxiety and depression and triggers.
I was definitely having many Children of Israel "moments" where I worried that nothing good was coming.
But it has come! I have a job! A career that I am sure I will love. Interestingly enough, it came the week I've struggled very hard with my triggers.
It started with a British show that I had chosen not to watch when it aired last year, for various reasons, but was curious enough to rent it from my library before the new series aired... and it turns out I should have listened to that original prompting.
It wasn't a explicit show, in fact, it was actually tame, but I ended up watching six hours straight, staying up until 5am, which is not good to do the week before you start a new job, but what was unexpected was the longing that the main male character brought out in me. There were a lot of intense emotions.
The main character is played by a very beautiful man and the character in the story is a good guy too... stands up for the weak, etc. And suddenly I was dealing with feelings of passion and longing and desire that I had not felt in, well, over two years. My heart was broken and I realize now, that I shut down my heart and those natural desires. I am social, but I've avoided the local Single Adult group like it was infested with the plague. If God wanted me to meet someone, it was going to involve a high amount of Divine intervention.
Now here I was, early in the morning after spending six hours intensely involved in a tv show, feeling all these emotions and desires that were triggering and I was being triggered. I found myself looking up the actor, which used to be a prelude to indulging in my fantasy addiction. I stopped. Also, I've been triggering all week. As I was driving to Group this week, I realized that what I was feeling wasn't bad or wrong! These are natural feelings and emotions. It was how I needed to deal with them. Limerence, love, passion, desire... are normal! I had taken them and distorted them. Then, the big reveal happened... this was happening because Heavenly Father wants me to learn how to "bridle my passions" for a future relationship. (Not that I have any idea how far away this future is... it could be years)... so that revelation led to my realization that I had tampered all romantic emotions. Honestly, my first reaction was ugh. I do not feel at all ready or even willing for this. It brings up a lot of deep-seated fears about intimacy and marriage that I've struggled with for years. But I will soldier through. A friend in group sent me a couple great articles on this topic. I might share these later.
One of the hardest parts from this week was reading articles posted by a Mormon on sex and porn addictions being myths. That is a whole other blog post, which I hope to write soon. Still, with that temptation there... and the idea that it isn't a "real"addiction... that created a whole new issue and trigger.
BUT I resisted! Prayer helped a lot. I reached out to my Heavenly Father constantly. I look forward to learning more about myself and how to control my emotions and passions. Because what I feel isn't a sin! All this will be okay. I have my PASG group. I have my defenses and actions. I have my Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost cheering me on.
Sunday, July 03, 2016
Sometimes it's too heavy
It was going to be a good weekend. I was planning on going home, but my mom started talking about traffic and not having a lot of time... I got the hint. So I stayed and went to group and then had a smoothie that had milk in it and turns out my plans for Saturday did not pan out, so I read a book and then decided to color my hair and do some chores and, as the night went on... I started feeling odd. So when I finally got in bed... the room started spinning, really horrible feeling, coupled with a massive panic attack... oh it was fun! I could sleep propped up, but I've been feeling worse as the day goes on.
Oh, and I scratched my face... you know, like babies do, with my own fingernail! I have a coldsore... it's just a million tiny things.
So today, I pulled myself enough together to go to Sacrament meeting, but I couldn't stay the whole time (at least I took the sacrament) and then... well, I just don't feel up to doing much. And it totally sucks!
The few people I've reached out to have not replied or even seemed to care. Which means I'm feeling very alone and a little lost and stressed.
Now, I know it's not just this. I realize that there are other stresses (like the fact that I don't have insurance and can't just go see a doctor today like I really, really want to) and money worries, etc and so forth.
I learned this through recovery. I learned to not just block the feelings, but to feel them. To ask why I'm feeling this way. That it's okay to feel these feelings. It's okay to be hurt and sad and angry. What is not okay is passively aggressively reacting and acting out to others. Even though I absolutely want to be that person right now.
And it will be okay. Maybe I just need to cry and cuddle my cats and listen to sad music and watch videos that make me cry.
In any type of recovery, we need down days.
Oh, and I scratched my face... you know, like babies do, with my own fingernail! I have a coldsore... it's just a million tiny things.
So today, I pulled myself enough together to go to Sacrament meeting, but I couldn't stay the whole time (at least I took the sacrament) and then... well, I just don't feel up to doing much. And it totally sucks!
The few people I've reached out to have not replied or even seemed to care. Which means I'm feeling very alone and a little lost and stressed.
Now, I know it's not just this. I realize that there are other stresses (like the fact that I don't have insurance and can't just go see a doctor today like I really, really want to) and money worries, etc and so forth.
I learned this through recovery. I learned to not just block the feelings, but to feel them. To ask why I'm feeling this way. That it's okay to feel these feelings. It's okay to be hurt and sad and angry. What is not okay is passively aggressively reacting and acting out to others. Even though I absolutely want to be that person right now.
And it will be okay. Maybe I just need to cry and cuddle my cats and listen to sad music and watch videos that make me cry.
In any type of recovery, we need down days.
Sunday, June 05, 2016
Thoughts and happenings (it's getting better)
In the past two weeks, I've forked out money for a cat that somehow got grass up his nose and then I severely injured my foot...
Money worries, cat worries, and a foot I can't use did not make the last couple weeks easier. The addition of some more rejection emails and a phone call did not help. Honestly, I felt very down.
I've been going to church, but, honestly, just because I know I should. I'm not paying attention or listening at lot. Which is not good, but I do not feel connected.
But that has changed.
I have a job! A real career like job that I think I will love doing. I am so excited about it. A great weight has been lifted! Plus, I had to turn down this other job that I really, really didn't want. That was a great feeling.
The Lord is truly blessing me.
I was thinking about it and realized that it was because I was working for it. And I learned this by working at recovery.
I thought of all the times, when I was an addict, that I knelt and prayed for forgiveness. I cried and I prayed and I did okay for a while, until I found myself in the same position again.
After starting recovery, I realized it was because I wasn't working toward change. Yes, I would sincerely repent, but I kept reading the same books (or, usually, skipping the bad parts for awhile), indulging in fantasy, watching certain scenes in films... and fueling my fantasy with music. I wasn't changing anything, but expecting different results.
Once I started working on recovery, sacrificing and replacing my addiction with healthier ways of coping, then I began to succeed in recovery! And I learned more. I realized that my fantasies were not innocent and gave those up. I gave up certain music (goodbye Maroon 5) and movies... and books!
And my addiction has gradually lost power over me. I am becoming a non-addict with risk factors!
So, when I lost my job.... I could have given in to my addiction (I've had several user dreams... ugh), which was a stronger voice than I anticipated, and just given up. Sat down and waited for the Lord to bless me. But, I found as I was turning myself to God, and working toward my goal of getting a job. I sent out so many applications... sooo many! I prayed, but I also worked on it. The results weren't instant, but they came.
Because God loves me. He loves you and He wants to help us succeed.
We just have to keep pressing forward and reaching for Him.
Money worries, cat worries, and a foot I can't use did not make the last couple weeks easier. The addition of some more rejection emails and a phone call did not help. Honestly, I felt very down.
I've been going to church, but, honestly, just because I know I should. I'm not paying attention or listening at lot. Which is not good, but I do not feel connected.
But that has changed.
I have a job! A real career like job that I think I will love doing. I am so excited about it. A great weight has been lifted! Plus, I had to turn down this other job that I really, really didn't want. That was a great feeling.
The Lord is truly blessing me.
I was thinking about it and realized that it was because I was working for it. And I learned this by working at recovery.
I thought of all the times, when I was an addict, that I knelt and prayed for forgiveness. I cried and I prayed and I did okay for a while, until I found myself in the same position again.
After starting recovery, I realized it was because I wasn't working toward change. Yes, I would sincerely repent, but I kept reading the same books (or, usually, skipping the bad parts for awhile), indulging in fantasy, watching certain scenes in films... and fueling my fantasy with music. I wasn't changing anything, but expecting different results.
Once I started working on recovery, sacrificing and replacing my addiction with healthier ways of coping, then I began to succeed in recovery! And I learned more. I realized that my fantasies were not innocent and gave those up. I gave up certain music (goodbye Maroon 5) and movies... and books!
And my addiction has gradually lost power over me. I am becoming a non-addict with risk factors!
So, when I lost my job.... I could have given in to my addiction (I've had several user dreams... ugh), which was a stronger voice than I anticipated, and just given up. Sat down and waited for the Lord to bless me. But, I found as I was turning myself to God, and working toward my goal of getting a job. I sent out so many applications... sooo many! I prayed, but I also worked on it. The results weren't instant, but they came.
Because God loves me. He loves you and He wants to help us succeed.
We just have to keep pressing forward and reaching for Him.
Sunday, March 27, 2016
What the heck?!
Life has been hard lately - which is par for the course.
I hope that I'm dealing with it better, learning to take care of myself and not use shame to berate myself for not being perfect every day. To be enough and see what I have accomplished every day.
Depression and addiction are daily battles.
So yesterday I spent some time with friends and treated myself to a new necklace.
I'm learning to bake and will attempt to make my own almond milk soon.
It's been a rough week, partly because of something unexpected that happened.
I'm attending a Pornography Treatment Workshop that LDS Family Services offers. I was hesitant because, well, I'm in recovery for 5 years and this seems more geared to those just introduced to recovery. My counselor and I thought it was a good idea to help me boost my recovery skills and help with my depression by learning new things and giving service to others.
I was just starting to feel that I was contributing and also gaining a lot from the weekly sessions.
Then...
Two things. 1) It's a joke that every new ARP Group I attend has someone I know there. My very first ARP Meeting started this. Since I moved down to UT, that hasn't been the case...
2) I've never felt a desire to reveal myself as a Sex addict. I have prayed about it, but I don't feel it's time. One reason is that I am more than my addiction and I don't think it would be beneficial to announce it. Although I'm sure people can figure it out. :) (that's not to say it isn't a good thing to do - it's just not right for me)
So I'm sitting in our class and we're about 15 minutes into it. We were discussing Elder Faust's talk on the Atonement from Oct 2001. A talk that gave me hope at a very dark time of my life. I'd messed up the night before (my euphemism for masturbation) and was feeling very unworthy and dirty and hopeless. His talk gave me hope. It's always held a special place in my heart. It only took 9 more years for me to start recovery! ha ha ha.
Anyway, I'd just shared this story when there was knock on the door. And in walked one of my coworkers. For an internship.
Honestly, I started censoring myself. It was funny in a small way, but I still felt... odd and uncomfortable. I knew it wasn't because I was afraid of this person tattling on me. She is not like that. It wasn't until I was texting a fellow PASG friend that I realized why... because it wasn't my choice. My addiction was revealed without my having the choice to reveal it. Also, and this is the biggest issue... this is not a fellow addict. In previous groups, I felt comfortable meeting people I knew because they were having the same struggles I was. But this co worker is an intern and now she knows one of my deepest struggles. Nothing's changed at work... She hasn't said anything about it. Very nice. But I'm still not entirely comfortable with her yet.
Sigh.
The cowardly part of me wants to never go back, but I will. Running away accomplishes so little.
Plus, the damage is already done. ;)
Finally, a very happy Easter to you all! I have spent a very nice day pretty much alone and it's actually been very nice. I'm also working on scheduling my days out. Today I have cooked dinner! It was very good. And now I'm going to index and then bed. I've had several user dreams lately and I know it's due to lack of sleep with the additional stress. That is on my to-do list too - get enough sleep!
Remember that you and I are not alone, because the Savior is there. He walked alone, so we don't have to now.
I hope that I'm dealing with it better, learning to take care of myself and not use shame to berate myself for not being perfect every day. To be enough and see what I have accomplished every day.
Depression and addiction are daily battles.
So yesterday I spent some time with friends and treated myself to a new necklace.
I'm learning to bake and will attempt to make my own almond milk soon.
It's been a rough week, partly because of something unexpected that happened.
I'm attending a Pornography Treatment Workshop that LDS Family Services offers. I was hesitant because, well, I'm in recovery for 5 years and this seems more geared to those just introduced to recovery. My counselor and I thought it was a good idea to help me boost my recovery skills and help with my depression by learning new things and giving service to others.
I was just starting to feel that I was contributing and also gaining a lot from the weekly sessions.
Then...
Two things. 1) It's a joke that every new ARP Group I attend has someone I know there. My very first ARP Meeting started this. Since I moved down to UT, that hasn't been the case...
2) I've never felt a desire to reveal myself as a Sex addict. I have prayed about it, but I don't feel it's time. One reason is that I am more than my addiction and I don't think it would be beneficial to announce it. Although I'm sure people can figure it out. :) (that's not to say it isn't a good thing to do - it's just not right for me)
So I'm sitting in our class and we're about 15 minutes into it. We were discussing Elder Faust's talk on the Atonement from Oct 2001. A talk that gave me hope at a very dark time of my life. I'd messed up the night before (my euphemism for masturbation) and was feeling very unworthy and dirty and hopeless. His talk gave me hope. It's always held a special place in my heart. It only took 9 more years for me to start recovery! ha ha ha.
Anyway, I'd just shared this story when there was knock on the door. And in walked one of my coworkers. For an internship.
Honestly, I started censoring myself. It was funny in a small way, but I still felt... odd and uncomfortable. I knew it wasn't because I was afraid of this person tattling on me. She is not like that. It wasn't until I was texting a fellow PASG friend that I realized why... because it wasn't my choice. My addiction was revealed without my having the choice to reveal it. Also, and this is the biggest issue... this is not a fellow addict. In previous groups, I felt comfortable meeting people I knew because they were having the same struggles I was. But this co worker is an intern and now she knows one of my deepest struggles. Nothing's changed at work... She hasn't said anything about it. Very nice. But I'm still not entirely comfortable with her yet.
Sigh.
The cowardly part of me wants to never go back, but I will. Running away accomplishes so little.
Plus, the damage is already done. ;)
Finally, a very happy Easter to you all! I have spent a very nice day pretty much alone and it's actually been very nice. I'm also working on scheduling my days out. Today I have cooked dinner! It was very good. And now I'm going to index and then bed. I've had several user dreams lately and I know it's due to lack of sleep with the additional stress. That is on my to-do list too - get enough sleep!
Remember that you and I are not alone, because the Savior is there. He walked alone, so we don't have to now.
Sunday, February 28, 2016
Recovery, anniversaries and stupid decisions
I saw this last year on Facebook post and I love it. It's TRUE!
I laugh and I nod, because I do make bad decisions.
Today I am definitely feeling the result of my stupid decisions.
Going through this illness, I've realized, is a lot like recovery. I'll get to that in a bit.
My 5th Anniversary of starting recovery is next month. I don't pay attention to dates and I wasn't keeping a journal at the time. Still working on consistent writing....
But February was my dark month five years ago and it was toward the end of February I made an appointment with my bishop... and now here I am.
I'm in a PTW group that meets once a week at the local LDS Family Services. Oh, my word, I love that place. My counselor is great and after only one week, I think I'm excited to see where the PTW group takes me. I feel I need to be reminded of where I've been and what I've learned.
Anyway, this week, I ate some food I shouldn't have, but I kept eating it because it was just so good. But instead of giving myself a break in between eating these foods, I ate them 3 days in a row. Just one meal, but it was a bad decision and this weekend I'm paying for it. I've been sleepy and sick and so, so panicky (hasn't that been so fun). I had all these things I planned to do and I've done nothing because I have to take time to recover. My body is forcing me to recover.
Which is a lot like my addiction was. I still have to avoid certain books and shows and music (though, honestly I don't think I'm missing much) because I know that they will trigger temptations and a desire to return "one more time." Because I do miss my fantasy world.
A lot has happened since my last blog post. Some big things have gone down at work and stressed me out and led me to question what the heck I'm doing and what the Lord wants from me.
I've had a couple lovely blessings and I'm scheduled to get one tonight because I can't miss anymore work.
We keep on fighting, we keep pressing forward and we don't eat/consume what we shouldn't! :)
So as I curl up with my lovely almond milk and some dark chocolate, I hope you know I pray for you all.
Love, from me.
Monday, February 08, 2016
Tender Mercies
Five years ago this month was my time of darkness. I dived into my addiction.
I had discovered a website where people would scan in lots of written porn. Aka "Romance" novels. Ugh. That phrase.
Now I didn't have to go to bookstores or Walmart or thrift shops to find ways to feed my addiction... it was right there.
Every night I would stay up until 6am reading romance novels online. I would miss class, church, I didn't hang out with friends very often... I would go to afternoon classes and occasionally church activities, but mostly I would spend every night reading.
I remember I was having dinner with friends one night and I was two hours late, because I was reading novels online. Totally lied about it too.
No, I'm not going to tell you the website.
The wonderful thing about recovery? I don't recognize that person. Yes, I was that person, but I'm no longer that person!
One aspect I've struggled with is what I read...
As with most addictions, I had to read worse and worse stuff and oh my word there are lots of freaky written porn out there. I cannot believe what I read seeking that fix and the next high.
I finally sought help from my bishop. March will be 5 years since my first ARP meeting.
As I attended group this week, I thought of all this and also of how similar the last few months have been.
Being ill brought back a lot of anxiety and depression. A lot. This past week, I'm finally feeling better. Like coming out of darkness into light. The fight is back... I am finally working on Step 12. YAY!
I feel better! Not that life is suddenly easy. It doesn't seem so completely overwhelming and impossible.
I feel like I'm fighting again and have the strength to do it.
It's a wonderful feeling and reminds me of starting recovery. Love this program!
I had discovered a website where people would scan in lots of written porn. Aka "Romance" novels. Ugh. That phrase.
Now I didn't have to go to bookstores or Walmart or thrift shops to find ways to feed my addiction... it was right there.
Every night I would stay up until 6am reading romance novels online. I would miss class, church, I didn't hang out with friends very often... I would go to afternoon classes and occasionally church activities, but mostly I would spend every night reading.
I remember I was having dinner with friends one night and I was two hours late, because I was reading novels online. Totally lied about it too.
No, I'm not going to tell you the website.
The wonderful thing about recovery? I don't recognize that person. Yes, I was that person, but I'm no longer that person!
One aspect I've struggled with is what I read...
As with most addictions, I had to read worse and worse stuff and oh my word there are lots of freaky written porn out there. I cannot believe what I read seeking that fix and the next high.
I finally sought help from my bishop. March will be 5 years since my first ARP meeting.
As I attended group this week, I thought of all this and also of how similar the last few months have been.
Being ill brought back a lot of anxiety and depression. A lot. This past week, I'm finally feeling better. Like coming out of darkness into light. The fight is back... I am finally working on Step 12. YAY!
I feel like I'm fighting again and have the strength to do it.
It's a wonderful feeling and reminds me of starting recovery. Love this program!
Tender Mercies
Five years ago this month was my time of darkness. I dived into my addiction.
I had discovered a website where people would scan in lots of written porn. Aka "Romance" novels. Ugh. That phrase.
Now I didn't have to go to bookstores or Walmart or thrift shops to find ways to feed my addiction... it was right there.
Every night I would stay up until 6am reading romance novels online. I would miss class, church, I didn't hang out with friends very often... I would go to afternoon classes and occasionally church activities, but mostly I would spend every night reading.
I remember I was having dinner with friends one night and I was two hours late, because I was reading novels online. Totally lied about it too.
No, I'm not going to tell you the website.
The wonderful thing about recovery? I don't recognize that person. Yes, I was that person, but I'm no longer that person!
One aspect I've struggled with is what I read...
As with most addictions, I had to read worse and worse stuff and oh my word there are lots of freaky written porn out there. I cannot believe what I read seeking that fix and the next high.
I finally sought help from my bishop. March will be 5 years since my first ARP meeting.
As I attended group this week, I thought of all this and also of how similar the last few months have been.
Being ill brought back a lot of anxiety and depression. A lot. This past week, I'm finally feeling better. Like coming out of darkness into light. The fight is back... I am finally working on Step 12. YAY!
I feel better! Not that life is suddenly easy. It doesn't seem so completely overwhelming and impossible.
I feel like I'm fighting again and have the strength to do it.
It's a wonderful feeling and reminds me of starting recovery. Love this program!
I had discovered a website where people would scan in lots of written porn. Aka "Romance" novels. Ugh. That phrase.
Now I didn't have to go to bookstores or Walmart or thrift shops to find ways to feed my addiction... it was right there.
Every night I would stay up until 6am reading romance novels online. I would miss class, church, I didn't hang out with friends very often... I would go to afternoon classes and occasionally church activities, but mostly I would spend every night reading.
I remember I was having dinner with friends one night and I was two hours late, because I was reading novels online. Totally lied about it too.
No, I'm not going to tell you the website.
The wonderful thing about recovery? I don't recognize that person. Yes, I was that person, but I'm no longer that person!
One aspect I've struggled with is what I read...
As with most addictions, I had to read worse and worse stuff and oh my word there are lots of freaky written porn out there. I cannot believe what I read seeking that fix and the next high.
I finally sought help from my bishop. March will be 5 years since my first ARP meeting.
As I attended group this week, I thought of all this and also of how similar the last few months have been.
Being ill brought back a lot of anxiety and depression. A lot. This past week, I'm finally feeling better. Like coming out of darkness into light. The fight is back... I am finally working on Step 12. YAY!
I feel like I'm fighting again and have the strength to do it.
It's a wonderful feeling and reminds me of starting recovery. Love this program!
Tender Mercies
Five years ago this month was my time of darkness. I dived into my addiction.
I had discovered a website where people would scan in lots of written porn. Aka "Romance" novels. Ugh. That phrase.
Now I didn't have to go to bookstores or Walmart or thrift shops to find ways to feed my addiction... it was right there.
Every night I would stay up until 6am reading romance novels online. I would miss class, church, I didn't hang out with friends very often... I would go to afternoon classes and occasionally church activities, but mostly I would spend every night reading.
I remember I was having dinner with friends one night and I was two hours late, because I was reading novels online. Totally lied about it too.
No, I'm not going to tell you the website.
The wonderful thing about recovery? I don't recognize that person. Yes, I was that person, but I'm no longer that person!
One aspect I've struggled with is what I read...
As with most addictions, I had to read worse and worse stuff and oh my word there are lots of freaky written porn out there. I cannot believe what I read seeking that fix and the next high.
I finally sought help from my bishop. March will be 5 years since my first ARP meeting.
As I attended group this week, I thought of all this and also of how similar the last few months have been.
Being ill brought back a lot of anxiety and depression. A lot. This past week, I'm finally feeling better. Like coming out of darkness into light. The fight is back... I am finally working on Step 12. YAY!
I feel better! Not that life is suddenly easy. It doesn't seem so completely overwhelming and impossible.
I feel like I'm fighting again and have the strength to do it.
It's a wonderful feeling and reminds me of starting recovery. Love this program!
I had discovered a website where people would scan in lots of written porn. Aka "Romance" novels. Ugh. That phrase.
Now I didn't have to go to bookstores or Walmart or thrift shops to find ways to feed my addiction... it was right there.
Every night I would stay up until 6am reading romance novels online. I would miss class, church, I didn't hang out with friends very often... I would go to afternoon classes and occasionally church activities, but mostly I would spend every night reading.
I remember I was having dinner with friends one night and I was two hours late, because I was reading novels online. Totally lied about it too.
No, I'm not going to tell you the website.
The wonderful thing about recovery? I don't recognize that person. Yes, I was that person, but I'm no longer that person!
One aspect I've struggled with is what I read...
As with most addictions, I had to read worse and worse stuff and oh my word there are lots of freaky written porn out there. I cannot believe what I read seeking that fix and the next high.
I finally sought help from my bishop. March will be 5 years since my first ARP meeting.
As I attended group this week, I thought of all this and also of how similar the last few months have been.
Being ill brought back a lot of anxiety and depression. A lot. This past week, I'm finally feeling better. Like coming out of darkness into light. The fight is back... I am finally working on Step 12. YAY!
I feel like I'm fighting again and have the strength to do it.
It's a wonderful feeling and reminds me of starting recovery. Love this program!
Thursday, January 28, 2016
Survival Mode
I started a post a few weeks ago, but never finished it.
Hi, I'm Stacey!
The past couple months have been horrible, and good, beautiful and ugly and hard.
I've started seeing a counselor and I love it. It's so helpful and nice to have someone who is honest with me. For bad and for good! I realized that I was expecting too much from myself, with my illness and my depression/anxiety. It's a process. Even if I only get one or two things done, I accomplished something! That is good.
A brief recap:
Coming back from Thanksgiving, I had a hard week. My counselor helped me figure out it was because dealing with my family is a trigger for me. That and I still can't eat much. Pumpkin pie with whip cream was a huge mistake.
That's been hard too. I've lost weight, but my depression and anxiety are still there. I can have panic attacks when I eat the wrong thing. Yes, I look good, but
This is very, very frustrating. I can tell because I have user dreams too. I actually had one where I was tempted to indulge in fantasy and I gave in. It felt so real! Ugh, this brain sometimes.
Christmas was good. Nice and relaxing.
I saw the new Star Wars and went to a nice Candlelight service with my landlady and her family.
But, all the stress of family and life wore on me. I missed a whole day of work because of it.
I couldn't meet with my counselor over Christmas.
We also visited my brother and his family, which was nice, but also tense and stressful.
Family can be triggers, my counselor helped me see that.
And then I picked up some illness from my nephews. It was so bad, I missed two days of work and finally went to see the doctor... who put me on antibiotics. yay.
Anxiety lies. Depression lies. Addiction lies.
I was feeling all three. A lot of lies.
I withdrew. I didn't go to church or activities. I missed group for about a month.
Looking back, I was majorly depressed.
Last week I decided to be social. I went to our RS Activity (that was so much fun) and group! I really needed group. We were on Step 6.
Honestly, I thought "Oh, no."
These past few months have been HARD! Emotionally, physically, mentally... all of those and more.
I struggle with feeling close to Heavenly Father and my Savior. I studied the Christmas Story, but I wasn't feeling the story. Does that make sense?
I was praying and studying and... I felt distant from my HF and Savior.
That night, as we read, I realized that I've been in Survival Mode.
Getting through the day is my goal.
And that's okay.
My counselor is helping me see that depression focuses on perfectionism. I have to clean my house all in one day.
I have to do Indexing, Family History, bake and cook, Visit Teach, Serve others, etc... RIGHT NOW!
That's not possible.
I'm a Work in Progress. A Masterpiece in Progress.
One day at a time. And if I only get one thing done... I got ONE thing done!
YAY!
I got sick again after the New Year and put back on antibiotics... that was nerve wracking.
So I'm watching very carefully what I eat and drink. Dang my low immune system.
Work is stressful and not fun right now, but I'm sticking it out because I'm hoping for blessings. I'm hoping for improvement. Pulling out of this funk and starting to feel like I'm living and not just survival mode.
Working in improving prayers. Remember Heavenly Father and my Savior every day. Praying to remember them when needed. Not just in bad times, but in good. I really need to work on the bad, though. I tend to forget them when I'm in the middle of a stressful or bad moment.
Right now, I'm going to bed early. Lots to do tomorrow and I need to get sleep.
I went to a fireside the other night and we sang my favorite hymn "Come Unto Jesus."
Come unto Jesus, ye heavy laden.
Careworn and fainting, by sin oppressed.
He'll safely guide you unto that haven
Where all who trust Him may rest.
Hi, I'm Stacey!
The past couple months have been horrible, and good, beautiful and ugly and hard.
I've started seeing a counselor and I love it. It's so helpful and nice to have someone who is honest with me. For bad and for good! I realized that I was expecting too much from myself, with my illness and my depression/anxiety. It's a process. Even if I only get one or two things done, I accomplished something! That is good.
A brief recap:
Coming back from Thanksgiving, I had a hard week. My counselor helped me figure out it was because dealing with my family is a trigger for me. That and I still can't eat much. Pumpkin pie with whip cream was a huge mistake.
That's been hard too. I've lost weight, but my depression and anxiety are still there. I can have panic attacks when I eat the wrong thing. Yes, I look good, but
This is very, very frustrating. I can tell because I have user dreams too. I actually had one where I was tempted to indulge in fantasy and I gave in. It felt so real! Ugh, this brain sometimes.
Christmas was good. Nice and relaxing.
I saw the new Star Wars and went to a nice Candlelight service with my landlady and her family.
But, all the stress of family and life wore on me. I missed a whole day of work because of it.
I couldn't meet with my counselor over Christmas.
We also visited my brother and his family, which was nice, but also tense and stressful.
Family can be triggers, my counselor helped me see that.
And then I picked up some illness from my nephews. It was so bad, I missed two days of work and finally went to see the doctor... who put me on antibiotics. yay.
Anxiety lies. Depression lies. Addiction lies.
I was feeling all three. A lot of lies.
I withdrew. I didn't go to church or activities. I missed group for about a month.
Looking back, I was majorly depressed.
Last week I decided to be social. I went to our RS Activity (that was so much fun) and group! I really needed group. We were on Step 6.
Honestly, I thought "Oh, no."
These past few months have been HARD! Emotionally, physically, mentally... all of those and more.
I struggle with feeling close to Heavenly Father and my Savior. I studied the Christmas Story, but I wasn't feeling the story. Does that make sense?
I was praying and studying and... I felt distant from my HF and Savior.
That night, as we read, I realized that I've been in Survival Mode.
Getting through the day is my goal.
And that's okay.
My counselor is helping me see that depression focuses on perfectionism. I have to clean my house all in one day.
I have to do Indexing, Family History, bake and cook, Visit Teach, Serve others, etc... RIGHT NOW!
That's not possible.
I'm a Work in Progress. A Masterpiece in Progress.
One day at a time. And if I only get one thing done... I got ONE thing done!
YAY!
I got sick again after the New Year and put back on antibiotics... that was nerve wracking.
So I'm watching very carefully what I eat and drink. Dang my low immune system.
Work is stressful and not fun right now, but I'm sticking it out because I'm hoping for blessings. I'm hoping for improvement. Pulling out of this funk and starting to feel like I'm living and not just survival mode.
Working in improving prayers. Remember Heavenly Father and my Savior every day. Praying to remember them when needed. Not just in bad times, but in good. I really need to work on the bad, though. I tend to forget them when I'm in the middle of a stressful or bad moment.
Right now, I'm going to bed early. Lots to do tomorrow and I need to get sleep.
I went to a fireside the other night and we sang my favorite hymn "Come Unto Jesus."
Come unto Jesus, ye heavy laden.
Careworn and fainting, by sin oppressed.
He'll safely guide you unto that haven
Where all who trust Him may rest.
Wishing you peace and love...
Sunday, October 18, 2015
It's too heavy
Good thing: I finally was able to go to group last week. I missed the reading, but I was there for the sharing. Which was really good, but I was exhausted afterward.
This illness is not going away.
I'm getting better, just not as fast as I would like.
It's frustrating. I'm tired, ill and can't eat hardly anything.
I try to eat something that sounds good and it bites me back.
I called my doctor and went to see a specialist. It didn't help that, while filling out the paperwork, anesthesia was mentioned and my dear brain started to freak out.
It's been freaking out a lot lately.
My anxiety's been coming in waves. I take a pill, I eat something, etc, and I get all nervous again.
I'm so tired.
The specialist basically said this is going to take time to heal.
Ugh.
Added to that, I've been having two or three user dreams every week. Really strong ones, where I wake up not knowing if this was real or just a dream. Stupid brain.
I haven't been keeping up with my scripture reading or journal writing. I feel too tired to do it.
Paul's writings are really hard to understand when you're mental capacity is low.
There are changes I want to make, improvements. Like scheduling my day and trying to work out. Or working on the steps.
I'm finally on Step 12. (yay)
I wish I could feel more positive, be more positive, but this has been going on for months. And I'm tired, sick and sad.
All of this has brought up feelings of homesickness for the UK.
I'm feeling stuck. It's hard when people talk about following your dreams, because I so am not doing that right now. Hitting a brick wall at every turn.
I want something different, but I have no idea what. Plus, thinking and worrying about this while sick is not helpful.
I'm trying not to be Lot's wife, but dang, is it hard. This week marks 4 years since I came home from the UK. I miss it so. I feel like I have no purpose here.
I try to be thankful. I'm grateful for my apartment, for my landlords, for rainbows and birds on top of morning sun kissed trees. But when you wonder what the point is. Why am I going through this?
With me being so sick, I've missed work and I have no leave hours left, so money has been tight. Which just adds to the worries.
I went and saw the bishop last week, and there is some hope, but I missed church today and the sacrament. I honestly don't want to go.
Today it's too heavy.
There is so much to do, but I don't know where to start or how.
Sorry this is such a downer. Today I'm sad and tired and worried.
But here is a song of hope.
This illness is not going away.
I'm getting better, just not as fast as I would like.
It's frustrating. I'm tired, ill and can't eat hardly anything.
I try to eat something that sounds good and it bites me back.
I called my doctor and went to see a specialist. It didn't help that, while filling out the paperwork, anesthesia was mentioned and my dear brain started to freak out.
It's been freaking out a lot lately.
My anxiety's been coming in waves. I take a pill, I eat something, etc, and I get all nervous again.
I'm so tired.
The specialist basically said this is going to take time to heal.
Ugh.
Added to that, I've been having two or three user dreams every week. Really strong ones, where I wake up not knowing if this was real or just a dream. Stupid brain.
I haven't been keeping up with my scripture reading or journal writing. I feel too tired to do it.
Paul's writings are really hard to understand when you're mental capacity is low.
There are changes I want to make, improvements. Like scheduling my day and trying to work out. Or working on the steps.
I'm finally on Step 12. (yay)
I wish I could feel more positive, be more positive, but this has been going on for months. And I'm tired, sick and sad.
All of this has brought up feelings of homesickness for the UK.
I'm feeling stuck. It's hard when people talk about following your dreams, because I so am not doing that right now. Hitting a brick wall at every turn.
I want something different, but I have no idea what. Plus, thinking and worrying about this while sick is not helpful.
I'm trying not to be Lot's wife, but dang, is it hard. This week marks 4 years since I came home from the UK. I miss it so. I feel like I have no purpose here.
I try to be thankful. I'm grateful for my apartment, for my landlords, for rainbows and birds on top of morning sun kissed trees. But when you wonder what the point is. Why am I going through this?
With me being so sick, I've missed work and I have no leave hours left, so money has been tight. Which just adds to the worries.
I went and saw the bishop last week, and there is some hope, but I missed church today and the sacrament. I honestly don't want to go.
Today it's too heavy.
There is so much to do, but I don't know where to start or how.
Sorry this is such a downer. Today I'm sad and tired and worried.
But here is a song of hope.
Sunday, October 04, 2015
Conference was great!
Good news: I'm on the road to recovery!
This week was better than last.
Thanks to the wonders of modern medicine. It's taste awful, but it's working.
It's still been hard with feeling horrible, anxiety levels way high and barely able to deal with life, not to mention anything else.
And I couldn't concentrate on General conference. I did well for the Saturday Sessions, but today I was not paying attention.
My goal, then, is to read and listen to them again, closely. Because there are some answers I'm seeking and praying for.
Especially the "What Lack I yet?" Oh, that one is already bringing the guilt!
Now I'm tired and one of my goals is to be in bed by a good time.
I will try to write more later.
This week was better than last.
Thanks to the wonders of modern medicine. It's taste awful, but it's working.
It's still been hard with feeling horrible, anxiety levels way high and barely able to deal with life, not to mention anything else.
And I couldn't concentrate on General conference. I did well for the Saturday Sessions, but today I was not paying attention.
My goal, then, is to read and listen to them again, closely. Because there are some answers I'm seeking and praying for.
Especially the "What Lack I yet?" Oh, that one is already bringing the guilt!
Now I'm tired and one of my goals is to be in bed by a good time.
I will try to write more later.
Sunday, September 27, 2015
There's gotta be a point to this.... please
Today.
Today is hard.
This whole week has been a trial.
Ha.
These past two months have been a trial.
I'm tired. I've been having panic attacks all day.
I've felt weak and ill.
Totally freaked out.
Last Sunday I started feeling sick after church and then it hit full force on Monday.
After I got some bad news on Monday about work and my pay.
I went home early and was up most of that night. I figured it was food poisoning.
Missed work Tuesday, started feeling better that night and then was up again.
So Wednesday I went to see my doctor.
It's not food poisoning.
I've missed a lot of work. I have no idea how to make ends meet.
Two Priesthood blessings have helped, but not healed like I hoped (as in instant, or at least overnight).
Two user dreams this week as well. Very real and very troubling.
BUT I finally got to take the sacrament today!
I have a kitty curled up on my leg.
Inside, I feel things will get better. That I will make it through this.
Casting Crowns came out with a new song and I love it.
It came on the radio the other day when I was feeling so lost and alone.
Stop holding on and just be held.
My addiction won't beat me. Neither will my depression.
I'll overcome the lies.
Just as soon as I feel up to it....
Saturday, June 20, 2015
Put one foot forward in faith. Then another.
The above quote is from Rosemary Wixom. It was on Facebook and I really liked it.
It's how I feel right now.
I'm still struggling. This last week was one of the roughest in a very long time. I've felt ill. I've felt depressed. I've felt overwhelmed. I've thrown up. I've wanted to give up and I've been scared and anxious.
Someone suddenly quit at work. Which added to my burdens there. And then there are hints, because I am struggling with being on time, that I might not get to keep my job! Just what I needed.
I've been sick, very sick and got a blessing. I'm feeling panicky, nervous, anxious, sad, and really nervous that I'm heading for a dark time like in the UK several years ago, where the only thing that got me through a day was listening to hymns and conference talks.
And then I get worried that I'll lose my job if I miss too much.
So I'm switching medications. Oh, it's been fun, a mix of headaches and anxiety, a lot of prayer involved. I finally figured out it was just my neck, not cancer like I was freaking out that it was. That's the fun with anxiety. Big worries with no basis in reality.
My brother is struggling with his addiction too. And this is affecting his marriage. And it's involving my family.
It's hard to not push and get involved, but step back and recognize that all you can do is bear your testimony and pray for him and his wife.
We each have to make the decision to be active in recovery.
My mom says to be active. To volunteer. The suggestion merely makes me feel overwhelmed. I should be writing in my journal every night. I should be exercising every day. I should be developing my talents.
And I want to curl up in bed and hide.
So I dragged myself to PASG group last night. Which was good, but this morning the feelings of loneliness overwhelmed me. I felt like I didn't have any friends. No one to rely on or turn to. I'm so tired of reaching out. Could someone, besides Heavenly Father, reach back?
I miss the UK. It's not going away and I admit that the UK is my go to escape place. The one place I think everything was perfect. Even though I know it wasn't perfect.
I'm lonely, I'm scared and I'm sad today.
The blessing I got last week used that phrase that bothers me "Heavenly Father is mindful of you." Mindful. Ugh! Mindful means "Bearing in mind" "Inclined to be aware." Not words that help me feel closer to my Father in Heaven.
And I know it's not Him. I know it's me. I'm struggling.
There are days I'm just glad I made it to work and fed myself.
Sorry this is so depressing. Someday, things will be better. I know that deep, deep down inside.
Today, though, I can't feel it.
So I'm going to clean my house. I'm going to go to Stake Conference. I will put one foot in front of the other and keep trying.
I may take a Social Media break. I'll see.
Today, I can make it through today.
It's how I feel right now.
I'm still struggling. This last week was one of the roughest in a very long time. I've felt ill. I've felt depressed. I've felt overwhelmed. I've thrown up. I've wanted to give up and I've been scared and anxious.
Someone suddenly quit at work. Which added to my burdens there. And then there are hints, because I am struggling with being on time, that I might not get to keep my job! Just what I needed.
I've been sick, very sick and got a blessing. I'm feeling panicky, nervous, anxious, sad, and really nervous that I'm heading for a dark time like in the UK several years ago, where the only thing that got me through a day was listening to hymns and conference talks.
And then I get worried that I'll lose my job if I miss too much.
So I'm switching medications. Oh, it's been fun, a mix of headaches and anxiety, a lot of prayer involved. I finally figured out it was just my neck, not cancer like I was freaking out that it was. That's the fun with anxiety. Big worries with no basis in reality.
My brother is struggling with his addiction too. And this is affecting his marriage. And it's involving my family.
It's hard to not push and get involved, but step back and recognize that all you can do is bear your testimony and pray for him and his wife.
We each have to make the decision to be active in recovery.
My mom says to be active. To volunteer. The suggestion merely makes me feel overwhelmed. I should be writing in my journal every night. I should be exercising every day. I should be developing my talents.
And I want to curl up in bed and hide.
So I dragged myself to PASG group last night. Which was good, but this morning the feelings of loneliness overwhelmed me. I felt like I didn't have any friends. No one to rely on or turn to. I'm so tired of reaching out. Could someone, besides Heavenly Father, reach back?
I miss the UK. It's not going away and I admit that the UK is my go to escape place. The one place I think everything was perfect. Even though I know it wasn't perfect.
I'm lonely, I'm scared and I'm sad today.
The blessing I got last week used that phrase that bothers me "Heavenly Father is mindful of you." Mindful. Ugh! Mindful means "Bearing in mind" "Inclined to be aware." Not words that help me feel closer to my Father in Heaven.
And I know it's not Him. I know it's me. I'm struggling.
There are days I'm just glad I made it to work and fed myself.
Sorry this is so depressing. Someday, things will be better. I know that deep, deep down inside.
Today, though, I can't feel it.
So I'm going to clean my house. I'm going to go to Stake Conference. I will put one foot in front of the other and keep trying.
I may take a Social Media break. I'll see.
Today, I can make it through today.
Sunday, June 07, 2015
Augh. Life is hard.
This past month has been a roller coaster.
And part of me just wants to be done.
Except that I can't.
I have to keep trudging.
I hate trudging.
In the past month I have felt so lonely, lost and alone. I've been so homesick for the UK. I've felt triggered and tempted and had memories of fantasies and books come back very strongly and clearly. I've literally had to physically move to resist temptation.
The loneliness I can fix, so I tried to get involved with local Single Adult group. Still haven't made any friends. It seems very cliquish. I'm still going, just without a lot of enthusiasm.
And then my dad contacted my brother for his birthday, which means I'm probably next.
I do feel that I have forgiven my father, but there's no desire to have anything to do with him. I just want him to leave me alone. The worry about it, coupled with the ache of wanting to have a dad, has added stress.
Then, Friday at work, a co worker saw me reading my Nook and teased me about reading a romance novel. Which stung because I don't want people to think that. He was just teasing.
So I went to group. I was the only one.
Group is what gets me through these times.
I struggle with the fear that I will be stuck here forever.
I know that I need to work on things, the program, my prayers, etc., and I'm trying to do that.
Today I'm fasting for myself, for help.
I'm working on being grateful. For a beautiful cloud, for rain, for the blessings that I do have, like an apartment I love. My cats. My family. My car.
The Gospel.
The Book of Mormon.
Last weekend, I went to the temple for the first time in months. I'm scheduling two regular days a month to go. I cannot miss those dates. :)
So, I don't have all the answers.
Today has been emotionally rough in a lot of ways. A lesson I taught which I didn't think went well at all. Finding out that Elder Holland was in my UK ward today. I miss it so much and I try not to live in the past.
And I missed the sacrament.
At times like these, it's so easy to beat myself up. Which starts a vicious cycle where it's hard to get up in the morning. I could just sit on my couch playing games on my phone.
Today I'm watching Church videos. I'm fasting until 5:30. I'm writing this blog, which helps.
Our Sunday School lesson today was about Zacchæus. Who wants to see the Savior so desperately, that he climbs a tree.
What I love, though, is that the Savior knows where he is and he calls Zacchæus by name.
"And when Jesus came to the place, he looked up, and saw him, and said unto him, Zacchæus, make haste, and come down; for to day I must abide at thy house."
A small reminder that the Lord knows me.
I still struggle with addiction. I still struggle with the addict tendencies and character weaknesses in my life. Yet, the Savior knows where I am and He knows my name.
We have to pass through trouble. With the hope that it will get better.
And part of me just wants to be done.
Except that I can't.
I have to keep trudging.
I hate trudging.
In the past month I have felt so lonely, lost and alone. I've been so homesick for the UK. I've felt triggered and tempted and had memories of fantasies and books come back very strongly and clearly. I've literally had to physically move to resist temptation.
The loneliness I can fix, so I tried to get involved with local Single Adult group. Still haven't made any friends. It seems very cliquish. I'm still going, just without a lot of enthusiasm.
And then my dad contacted my brother for his birthday, which means I'm probably next.
I do feel that I have forgiven my father, but there's no desire to have anything to do with him. I just want him to leave me alone. The worry about it, coupled with the ache of wanting to have a dad, has added stress.
Then, Friday at work, a co worker saw me reading my Nook and teased me about reading a romance novel. Which stung because I don't want people to think that. He was just teasing.
So I went to group. I was the only one.
Group is what gets me through these times.
I struggle with the fear that I will be stuck here forever.
I know that I need to work on things, the program, my prayers, etc., and I'm trying to do that.
Today I'm fasting for myself, for help.
I'm working on being grateful. For a beautiful cloud, for rain, for the blessings that I do have, like an apartment I love. My cats. My family. My car.
The Gospel.
The Book of Mormon.
Last weekend, I went to the temple for the first time in months. I'm scheduling two regular days a month to go. I cannot miss those dates. :)
So, I don't have all the answers.
Today has been emotionally rough in a lot of ways. A lesson I taught which I didn't think went well at all. Finding out that Elder Holland was in my UK ward today. I miss it so much and I try not to live in the past.
And I missed the sacrament.
At times like these, it's so easy to beat myself up. Which starts a vicious cycle where it's hard to get up in the morning. I could just sit on my couch playing games on my phone.
Today I'm watching Church videos. I'm fasting until 5:30. I'm writing this blog, which helps.
Our Sunday School lesson today was about Zacchæus. Who wants to see the Savior so desperately, that he climbs a tree.
What I love, though, is that the Savior knows where he is and he calls Zacchæus by name.
"And when Jesus came to the place, he looked up, and saw him, and said unto him, Zacchæus, make haste, and come down; for to day I must abide at thy house."
A small reminder that the Lord knows me.
I still struggle with addiction. I still struggle with the addict tendencies and character weaknesses in my life. Yet, the Savior knows where I am and He knows my name.
We have to pass through trouble. With the hope that it will get better.
I'm holding on to that hope today.
Sunday, March 29, 2015
Literally and figuratively
The night I left the UK, I received a blessing. In it I was promised a marriage (in this lifetime, so it could be when I'm 98) and then I was told that I would wander through the desert for a time.
Last Sunday, as I was driving back to Utah from a great Time Out For Women, I was thinking about all this.
I'd missed church that day. At my favorite ward! So my mom and I lay in bed and talked for a long time. About my depression. About what I should be doing.
I listened to a conference talk on the way home and then talked to Heavenly Father.
The TOFW was great. It really was nice. I took a lot of notes so I can go back and read them.
A lot about setting goals, achieving dreams, and becoming women of God. I think I liked all the presentations. And I cried.
Because life is hard right now.
I have a job that I'm fairly good at. But I don't love it.
I hardly hear from my family. My mom I talk to every day, but my brothers I hardly ever hear from, or it's a text to all of us. I don't think I've talked to them in weeks. I have friends at work, but I don't really have friends to go hang out with.
I am lonely and alone.
When I received that blessing, I didn't realize the Lord meant I would wander through the desert literally and figuratively.
Somewhere deep down, though, I must know it's going to be okay. I get out of bed every morning. I turn thoughts, emotions, triggers, and temptations over to my Heavenly Father. This program taught me how to do that.
Friday I had a bad experience at work and, shopping afterward, I kept getting hit with pornographic images in my head. I couldn't figure out why until I realized it was because I was mad!
So I turned the incident over to the Lord. I tried to analyze why I'd gotten mad and I figured out because I felt it was personal and I wasn't supported. But I didn't just try to fix my emotional state on my own, I asked the Lord for help.
Also, I need to quit reading stuff online. Sheesh. I caught myself reading a movie plot that contained a description of a sex scene and then I was mad at myself for the rest of the day because I was fighting off triggers. That's a goal for this week.
At PASG this week, I shared an analogy. Most of the attendees were new and when I say I've been in recovery for four years, the new ones usually look overwhelmed.
Four years ago I thought I would be done and fixed by now. And here I am not even finished with the program! ha ha ha.
Anyway, I recently had a physical. I was really, really nervous because I HATE needles. The last time I had blood drawn, I ended up throwing up and being taken out in a wheelchair. Yes, I'm aware that I could do the physical without the blood work, but I felt that I needed to do it. Dang it, I knew I could do it!
So I prayed. I asked people to pray for me. I did relaxation exercises. I told myself that I could do this. I've given blood once before (this was before the last traumatic needle experience) and that became my mantra. "I did it before. I can do it now."
And... I did it!
That's how recovery is. There's this big, scary fear that we know we can't overcome. So we pray, we turn to others, we read the scriptures, we work the program and then we rely on the Lord. We let our Savior help us.
My life isn't magically fixed. I still have sad days. I struggle to feel a part of my ward. Being in your 30s and single is hard! To be honest, last night I completely tuned out of Women's Conference when it was announced that the special videos would be about families. I didn't want to hear about families. I'm not close to my own family right now and my "future" family is some distant mirage. So I only half listened. I will repent and watch it again. :)
My life is... good. I love where I live. I love my landlords. My ward is really cool. I'm learning to be content with what I have.
I do love PASG. I love coming on here and reading the blogs. They help me.
I'm working on just scheduling out my days. I'm going to go to FHE tomorrow for the Mid-singles. I'm going to pray and read good books and be happy in the moment.
I probably should fit Step 11 in there somewhere. But that's a blog post for another day...
For General Conference, I'm going to pray to hear the messages for me. I did this my first conference after I started recovery and every single talk, every single song touched me as a message from my Heavenly Father. Try it. Ask that this Conference your heart and mind be open to the message your God and Father wants you to know.
Last Sunday, as I was driving back to Utah from a great Time Out For Women, I was thinking about all this.
I'd missed church that day. At my favorite ward! So my mom and I lay in bed and talked for a long time. About my depression. About what I should be doing.
I listened to a conference talk on the way home and then talked to Heavenly Father.
The TOFW was great. It really was nice. I took a lot of notes so I can go back and read them.
A lot about setting goals, achieving dreams, and becoming women of God. I think I liked all the presentations. And I cried.
Because life is hard right now.
I have a job that I'm fairly good at. But I don't love it.
I hardly hear from my family. My mom I talk to every day, but my brothers I hardly ever hear from, or it's a text to all of us. I don't think I've talked to them in weeks. I have friends at work, but I don't really have friends to go hang out with.
I am lonely and alone.
When I received that blessing, I didn't realize the Lord meant I would wander through the desert literally and figuratively.
Somewhere deep down, though, I must know it's going to be okay. I get out of bed every morning. I turn thoughts, emotions, triggers, and temptations over to my Heavenly Father. This program taught me how to do that.
Friday I had a bad experience at work and, shopping afterward, I kept getting hit with pornographic images in my head. I couldn't figure out why until I realized it was because I was mad!
So I turned the incident over to the Lord. I tried to analyze why I'd gotten mad and I figured out because I felt it was personal and I wasn't supported. But I didn't just try to fix my emotional state on my own, I asked the Lord for help.
Also, I need to quit reading stuff online. Sheesh. I caught myself reading a movie plot that contained a description of a sex scene and then I was mad at myself for the rest of the day because I was fighting off triggers. That's a goal for this week.
At PASG this week, I shared an analogy. Most of the attendees were new and when I say I've been in recovery for four years, the new ones usually look overwhelmed.
Four years ago I thought I would be done and fixed by now. And here I am not even finished with the program! ha ha ha.
Anyway, I recently had a physical. I was really, really nervous because I HATE needles. The last time I had blood drawn, I ended up throwing up and being taken out in a wheelchair. Yes, I'm aware that I could do the physical without the blood work, but I felt that I needed to do it. Dang it, I knew I could do it!
So I prayed. I asked people to pray for me. I did relaxation exercises. I told myself that I could do this. I've given blood once before (this was before the last traumatic needle experience) and that became my mantra. "I did it before. I can do it now."
And... I did it!
That's how recovery is. There's this big, scary fear that we know we can't overcome. So we pray, we turn to others, we read the scriptures, we work the program and then we rely on the Lord. We let our Savior help us.
My life isn't magically fixed. I still have sad days. I struggle to feel a part of my ward. Being in your 30s and single is hard! To be honest, last night I completely tuned out of Women's Conference when it was announced that the special videos would be about families. I didn't want to hear about families. I'm not close to my own family right now and my "future" family is some distant mirage. So I only half listened. I will repent and watch it again. :)
My life is... good. I love where I live. I love my landlords. My ward is really cool. I'm learning to be content with what I have.
I do love PASG. I love coming on here and reading the blogs. They help me.
I'm working on just scheduling out my days. I'm going to go to FHE tomorrow for the Mid-singles. I'm going to pray and read good books and be happy in the moment.
I probably should fit Step 11 in there somewhere. But that's a blog post for another day...
For General Conference, I'm going to pray to hear the messages for me. I did this my first conference after I started recovery and every single talk, every single song touched me as a message from my Heavenly Father. Try it. Ask that this Conference your heart and mind be open to the message your God and Father wants you to know.
Sunday, February 08, 2015
It's not just spiritual
I'm moving to my new place in a couple weeks. I'm loving my job.
I'm working on Step 11 (I have 2 questions left in the Study and Understanding!). I'm praying.
But I feel... out of sync.
Sometimes, if I sit a certain way, pain starts in my chest and I, being the anxiety attack prone person I am, fear I'm having a heart attack. Which, of course, can bring on a panic attack. Fun.
Now my shoulders hurt, my neck, my back, and my chest.
A couple weeks ago, I slipped and fell at work. I thought I just hurt my ankle (my right ankle is always getting sprained. Poor weak thing), but then I found bruises on my legs, my head hurt and now, my shoulders, my lower back, and my legs hurt.
I think that aggravated an existing problem and now... I feel out of sync! It hurts to sit.
My eating habits are not the best (lately I've been eating those super size muffins). I crave sugar.
I just want to sleep all day.
Not to mention the aches and pains and the moments of RUN RUN NOW! panic attacks. I'm averaging about 1 a week. Maybe two. My panic attacks are a sense of impending doom with a fierce flight desire. Something I can't do in the middle of work. I breathe deeply.... a lot.
I can't sleep.
I'm not exercising.
And I hurt.
And I can't sleep.
Yesterday was especially hard. It started out great. I'm getting ready to move into my place. I was late, because of the whole can't sleep thing, but I felt good... and then I went to see a play. It's about a women who has never been loved and then she meets this guy who convinces her she's beautiful and it has a very happy ending. It was hard to watch.
There is a part of me that wants to be loved so badly. I ache sometimes with the longing to have someone, a man, in my life. Yet there is also that fear of being hurt, again. Or there's the fear of getting married and actually having sex and then that triggers a relapse. Even just the idea of kissing someone scares me, because I don't know how I would deal with that emotion. Most of my life, I've lived in a fantasy world, where I made myself feel those feelings. Sometimes, the idea of having to actually be kissed in the real world triggers me.
So I shut it down. I don't read romance novels, even "clean" ones. ha ha ha. Like there is a such a thing.
So this play brought up a lot of difficult, longing emotions.
So, I turned to the internet and googled "single LDS in mid 30s" hoping to find someone who was in a similar situation.
Don't do that, by the way. EVER.
I was seeking comfort, but I found a plethora of websites on the fringe of Mormon culture. I found the women who support the Ordain Women initiative, etc. Women and men who, I realized, want the world to revolve around them and use their singleness as an excuse. Some have even gone inactive.
Instead of solace, I got doubt. and I was tired enough to recognize that letting this much doubt in was not the solution. It would only make things worse. So I prayed.
Missing group Friday night did not help. I was exhausted and planned on going to bed early. And... couldn't sleep!
Today, as I hobbled around (my hips hurt too), I realized I wasn't taking care of all of me.
Step 10 (it's becoming my new Step 3. Step 10!!). I haven't been doing Step 10. I haven't been working the steps each day. And also...
The ARP Manual says
"As you plan your day, prayerfully examine your motives. Are you doing too much or too little? Are you taking care of your basic spiritual, emotional, and physical needs? Do you serve others?
Ask yourself these and other questions as you seek balance and serenity in your day. (pg. 59)"
I'm working on Step 11 (I have 2 questions left in the Study and Understanding!). I'm praying.
But I feel... out of sync.
Sometimes, if I sit a certain way, pain starts in my chest and I, being the anxiety attack prone person I am, fear I'm having a heart attack. Which, of course, can bring on a panic attack. Fun.
Now my shoulders hurt, my neck, my back, and my chest.
A couple weeks ago, I slipped and fell at work. I thought I just hurt my ankle (my right ankle is always getting sprained. Poor weak thing), but then I found bruises on my legs, my head hurt and now, my shoulders, my lower back, and my legs hurt.
I think that aggravated an existing problem and now... I feel out of sync! It hurts to sit.
My eating habits are not the best (lately I've been eating those super size muffins). I crave sugar.
I just want to sleep all day.
Not to mention the aches and pains and the moments of RUN RUN NOW! panic attacks. I'm averaging about 1 a week. Maybe two. My panic attacks are a sense of impending doom with a fierce flight desire. Something I can't do in the middle of work. I breathe deeply.... a lot.
I can't sleep.
I'm not exercising.
And I hurt.
And I can't sleep.
Yesterday was especially hard. It started out great. I'm getting ready to move into my place. I was late, because of the whole can't sleep thing, but I felt good... and then I went to see a play. It's about a women who has never been loved and then she meets this guy who convinces her she's beautiful and it has a very happy ending. It was hard to watch.
There is a part of me that wants to be loved so badly. I ache sometimes with the longing to have someone, a man, in my life. Yet there is also that fear of being hurt, again. Or there's the fear of getting married and actually having sex and then that triggers a relapse. Even just the idea of kissing someone scares me, because I don't know how I would deal with that emotion. Most of my life, I've lived in a fantasy world, where I made myself feel those feelings. Sometimes, the idea of having to actually be kissed in the real world triggers me.
So I shut it down. I don't read romance novels, even "clean" ones. ha ha ha. Like there is a such a thing.
So this play brought up a lot of difficult, longing emotions.
So, I turned to the internet and googled "single LDS in mid 30s" hoping to find someone who was in a similar situation.
Don't do that, by the way. EVER.
I was seeking comfort, but I found a plethora of websites on the fringe of Mormon culture. I found the women who support the Ordain Women initiative, etc. Women and men who, I realized, want the world to revolve around them and use their singleness as an excuse. Some have even gone inactive.
Instead of solace, I got doubt. and I was tired enough to recognize that letting this much doubt in was not the solution. It would only make things worse. So I prayed.
Missing group Friday night did not help. I was exhausted and planned on going to bed early. And... couldn't sleep!
Today, as I hobbled around (my hips hurt too), I realized I wasn't taking care of all of me.
Step 10 (it's becoming my new Step 3. Step 10!!). I haven't been doing Step 10. I haven't been working the steps each day. And also...
The ARP Manual says
"As you plan your day, prayerfully examine your motives. Are you doing too much or too little? Are you taking care of your basic spiritual, emotional, and physical needs? Do you serve others?
Ask yourself these and other questions as you seek balance and serenity in your day. (pg. 59)"
Forehead slap. I'm not doing this! Any of this! I'm not exercising. I'm not eating healthy, good foods, without lots of sugar, chocolate and candy (and muffins). I'm praying morning and night, but I'm reading the scriptures for only a few minutes at night. Doing both of these things would help with the depression.
It may be my accident at work just aggravated the issue, but I know I'm out of sync. My depression is high. My panic attacks are really bad. I've been triggering a lot lately. And my body hurts. My heart hurts.
Even my spirit hurts. And there's so many triggers.
So it's time for some changes.
Today, I went for a walk and listened to Step 11 and watched the sun set. I watched the clouds change color, I listened to beautiful music. I'm writing in my blog.
Then I'm going to take a shower. I'm going to get some sleep (I'm going to bed extra early tonight and I will not fail! ;)
Then I'm going to see a chiropractor. And I'm going to exercise. Even if it's a 10 minute jog. Or a walk on my lunch break.
And I'm only going to have sweets on the weekend. Except I can have a hot cocoa if I really, really feel like I need chocolate. Work does not make this easy, though.
I am talking to my Heavenly Father. A lot. I am telling Him my fears and my hopes. I'm saying my needs. He's answering my prayers in good, small ways.
This all snuck up on me. I did not even realize how bad things were until this weekend.
Please don't think things are completely awful. I am not sitting around in my pjs eating extra large muffins and watching rom-coms instead of going to work.
I'm just struggling to not do that.
I go to church. I study my lesson. I pray. I pray to remember Heavenly Father and Jesus always. To remember that I can turn this over to Them. To remember to pray.
I'm coming up on my Four Year Anniversary of Starting Recovery. I've been thinking about me then. How I thought I would be fixed in 12 weeks. Ha ha ha ha ha.
But I wouldn't have this any other way. I am so blessed to be in recovery. No, I'm not perfect in it, but I can become better. It's worth the price to pay.
The last few months have been a lot to deal with! Big changes, broken hearts, job worries, stress at home, job worries, missing group. Without recovery, I've no doubt that I would be in the middle of my addiction. It's only by the grace and help of my Savior and Lord, by reaching out to Him, that I am where I am today. I'm not in a great place, but it's a worthy place. I can make it a great place. A place I know will take me closer to Him.
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