That's how I've been feeling the past couple weeks. Not a lost boat, but a boat bobbing up and down as it travels. High up on the waves and then down into the depths.
There have been good things. I got to see a dear recovery friend's wedding and see a very, very good film, InsideOut.
And then one of my relatives from my dad's side of the family showed up, which caused a lot of triggers and some panic attacks. That was "fun."
Added to that, my dad is trying to make contact again. He wants my phone number and I told my brother that I didn't want him to have it.
You know how in Step 8 the manual recalls the woman who is able to forgive her abusive father and be relived of her painful feelings?
I'm not there. I feel like I have forgiven him, but I also don't want him in my life. Because he pops in and out again when he feels like it and I don't want to go through that again. Because here I am going through this AGAIN.
Ugh.
Anyway, then there were hard days, but things started to look up. I went to spend the weekend with my family and, barring a mishap when I got wet when I didn't want to and I didn't react nicely, which caused some tension, but only briefly.
So last Monday I had a wonderful day. Work was good. I was getting on new meds that would help me, and I was feeling happy.
And then an unexpected expense hit and I floundered again.
The temptation to indulge in my addiction was back, because I knew it would help me feel better, with the addict part trying to forget that the feeling doesn't last!
I was mad at Heavenly Father too, because I don't feel like I've made any progress.
Just remember that depression lies. Addiction lies! Anxiety lies.
I was dealing with a lot of lies.
Added to this, was a post I put on Facebook that had people I thought friends attacking me.
I prayed. I found resources online to tell me that it is going to be okay. I watched videos of kitties and tigers. I played with my cats. I gave thanks for my cats. I accepted the moments of anxiety. I breathe. I tell myself it won't last and I keep walking.
I went to group last week, which was such a blessing. We read Step 2, Hope and I needed that message. Seriously, group is the BEST!
I take things easy. Although I still need to work on my sleep patterns.
And my brother gave me a blessing which really helped. It's gotten me through rough days this week.
I go outside at night and look at the stars and breathe and pause.
I am going to be okay. :)
I will keep fighting. I've learned that God can't help with all my battles (after all, He can't make phone calls, much though I wish He would ;) ), but He will help me during the fight.
Yes, I know Jesus loves me. Ups and downs are part of life. We have to keep sailing.
