Tiny miracles.

Tuesday morning I woke up and I couldn't hear out of one of my ears.

I'd been trying all sorts of home remedies for ear wax. I mean ALL sorts. I had ear wax softener, some little ear wax remover and all sorts of things.

And it seemed to only be getting worse.

So I spent Tuesday half deaf. It was so weird and frustrating.

I actually skipped my meetings that night to just keep treating my ear. At one point, I admit I stuck something rather sharp in my ear, because I WANTED TO HEAR!

It worked. 

Until I woke up the next morning…. and it was blocked again.

Argh!
So I wasn't in the best of moods.
I'll admit, I wanted a healing. I told Heavenly Father I couldn't afford a doctor (being uninsured).
So every morning I would wake up hopeful, but still blocked. I could barely hear my alarm clocks.
I kept treating my ear, but no luck. It seemed to get worse.
Thanksgiving was great, but I felt like I missed a lot of conversation. Do you know how weird it is to talk and hear the echo reverberating in your head?
However, I went to group. I needed to go. And we were on Step 10.
Ha ha ha.
I had a goal to be done with Step 10 by the time we read Step 10, but that didn't happen.
Still, reading through the step, I realized that I haven't been working on three reviews:
Previewing the day before: Looking at my day and what my plans are. Am I doing too much or too little?
Time-out: In the moment, take a break and analyze the situation. Come to a peaceful resolution and rely on the Lord.
Reviewing the day: Before praying. I really need to work on this. Writing in my journal should help. So I look at my day and review how it went, what I need to work on, what I did well, etc. Then I take it to the Lord.
Group was just what I needed.

But today I was miserable. My head hurt, I couldn't hear. I was tired. I'd made up my mind to go to a doctor and get my ear cleared out. Obviously, the home remedies were not working.
Of course, every single doctor office was closed, except the emergency care one. So I went.
It didn't hurt (I don't like doctors. Going can cause a huge panic attack), which was one big fear. And it cost a lot less than I was dreading.
So two tender mercies! And I can HEAR! I can hear the crinkle of my winter coat.
My heart has been full of gratitude for my Lord who helped me with this. I had to do it His way, but it was worth it.
There's a deep lesson in that.

So to end, I'm including one of my favorite new songs.
It tends to bring tears to my eyes. I love the message. Don't forget what God has said.
God is for us.
And the guy's hair! I like his hair.

Group 1 Crew "He Said"

So your life feels like it don't make sense
And you think to yourself, "I'm a good person"
So why do these things keep happening?
Why you gotta deal with them?

You may be knocked down now
But don't forget what He said, He said:

"I won't give you more, more than you can take
And I might let you bend, but I won't let you break
And No-o-o-o-o, I'll never ever let you go-o-o-o-o"
Don't you forget what He said

Who you are ain't what you're going through
So don't let it get the best of you
'Cause God knows everything you need,
So you ain't gotta worry

You may be knocked down now
But just believe what He said, He said:

"I won't give you more, more than you can take
And I might let you bend, but I won't let you break
And No-o-o-o-o, I'll never ever let you go-o-o-o-o"
Don't you forget what He said

Don't fear when you go through the fire
Hang on when it's down to the wire
Stand tall and remember what He said:

"I won't give you more, more than you can take
And I might let you bend, but I won't let you break..."

"I won't give you more, more than you can take
And I might let you bend, but I won't let you break
And No-o-o-o-o, I'll never ever let you go-o-o-o-o"
Don't you forget what He said
Don't you forget what He said
Don't you forget what He said (I want give you more)
I want give you more
What He said

More than an addict.

Life is still tough, but I weather the battle.
I've been more active in Step 10, as in making Daily Accountability a major part of my day. It still needs some work.
This has brought some insight.

When I first started recovery here in the States, the missionaries would remind us that we are more than just our addiction.
I struggled with that at first, because addiction recovery was such a huge part of my life. I'm an addict! How could I be more than my addiction? But then I came to realize that it was true. I am not only an addict. I am so many things. Daughter. Sister. Friend. Book lover. Cat adorer. Mormon.

Last week I started analyzing why I've been feeling so down and lonely these past few months and I realized why.
My social life revolves around addiction.
When I lived in the UK, I was busy almost every night of the week. Sunday, after church, I usually had dinner at a friend's house. Monday was Home Evening, where we ate dinner and talked and had a spiritual lesson. The rest of the week was made up of Church activities like Institute. I went to ARP. I joined a dance society. Friday or Saturday were my choice, spend it with friends or alone.

Back home, my only friends in town are those in PASG.
I go once a week to Correlation with the missionaries and while I love going and I revel in the love I feel there, it's still about addiction.
Then there's PASG. Once again, my focus is on the addiction.
I am focusing on only one aspect of me.
I don't go to movies with friends. I go with my mom. I have choir on Sundays. That's it.

So last weekend I declared an addiction free weekend.
I spent the weekends with friends and their kids. I was just Stacey. I went shopping, I played with kids, I listened to music and a really good audiobook. I felt loved and wanted and happy. I talked about books, music, tv.
I didn't talk about recovery. I didn't discuss triggers (surprisingly, there were very few).
My addiction wasn't the focus. It was just a small part.
I was all parts of myself.
Then I had to come back to this reality.

It's been a struggle since then. I miss sociality. I miss my old life.
But we can't go backwards. Only forward.
The ear blockage is still going on and it's annoying me to no end. I want an instant healing.
I realized that a lot of aspects of my life are like that. I want an instant fix. Instant answer to prayer.
Those haven't happened. Obviously, God wants me to learn. A lot, apparently.
Someday I'll know. In the meantime, I just have to keep pushing forward.

This week I've been reading in the Topical Guide under Trust in God:
Here's one of my favorites.
2 Samuel 22:3 (it's a psalm by David):
The God of my rock; in him will I trust: he is my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my high tower, and my refuge, my saviour;

God is for me. He is never against me. In his new book, Elder Holland says this phrase needs to be written on our hearts.
God is for me.

Blockage

I can't hear. Well, I can, but it's like I'm underwater.
When I chew food, it's like my own little ocean in my ear.
I think I have a build up of ear wax. Which is causing other problems, like dizziness, water in the ear, etc. More hearing problems.
It's great fun.
Kind of a great top off to this week.

It's been good and bad and hard and emotional and full of triggers.
And a huge fight with my mother.
So I'm resolving to be less sensitive when teased about something I like.
At the same time, I was hoping for an apology because, once again,
the past is brought up and thrown in my face. Stuff that I have apologized for and repented of.
Yet there it is again.

I had even googled "Am I the toxic one?" Wednesday because I was so sure I was.
Yep, nothing really useful there.
I HATE fighting. I don't like how I feel after it, miserable and sad, I don't like hurting other people, but at the same time… I will stand up for myself and my choices.
It was a fight that started out about a book and then led to an implied comparison with my brother (which hurt, but which was denied), and then talk about how I huff and puff when certain tv shows are on.
Which is why I'm hiding in my room tonight. Three hours of television shows that I choose not to watch.
I missed group last night because I fell asleep and woke up dizzy.
Two huge triggers today, that were out of nowhere! So I prayed for relief and distraction and got it.
Last week on Thursday, I went to the temple and did initiatory. Which was lovely. This week I thought about it, but I don't feel well and my ears hurt.

Okay, this sounds all whiny. Ear wax sucks!
It's not been a horrible week. Today, the Lord helped me with the triggers. Every night He's brought my cats home safely. This sounds like a minor thing, but I have been panicking about them every day. I think it's just one thing my crazed brain can focus on freaking out about. So them coming home at sunset every night is a huge blessing and sign of God's hand for me.  They bring me happiness.
Plus the beautiful moon and stars.

Today I read Elder Soares talk from Conference on being meek. That's one goal I'm going to work on, being meek. Working on overcoming pride and anger (which usually feed off the other) with Heavenly Father's help.
Someday I'll get Step 10!

I am not my past. And my past was yesterday.

So everything is just great and wonderful! ha ha ha. ha ha ha.
Sorry, I needed that.

Almost two weeks ago I made the journey again to that bookstore to sell the last book in the series. The power was out in that section of town! Seriously. It made my journey much longer. I didn't know if it was irony or just coincidence. Still, I finally got there, sold that book and went and bought another book I've really wanted (Count of Monte Cristo), hardcover. It was worth it. As I was checking out, the boy in front of me bought the book I had just given up.
Augh.

Thoughts kept plaguing me all through the weekend. Lines from the books, longing thoughts of what I would never read again… it was hard. I did not dwell on it, but the thoughts kept coming. I'd been in a book store that day when an ad for the book came on. My chest started hurting. I needed to let go again.
So that night, I decided I had to do something decisive again. I am a big believer in gestures and I felt that a decisive one was needed to show that I wasn't holding on to those books. So, I would again write down the names of the books and burn them. I remembered I had the receipt, so I found it, wrote "Goodbye" and the names of the books and burned it. I then had the brilliant idea to throw out the ashes. So I just shoveled the ashes where the paper had burned in the fireplace into a bucket and went outside to the canal next door. I flung the ashes into the water and let it carry them away. Luckily it was late enough the neighbors weren't out there, so I didn't have to worry what they would think. ha ha. It looked pretty strange. A girl in her pajamas flinging ash into a stream.
A spark got away, but I put it out (did not want to wake up having burned down the neighbor's trees).
I woke up the next morning feeling much better, calmer and while I do still see those books, it's not with longing. I'm moving forward.

The week went well, until Thursday.
Thursday was Halloween and I thought my mom and I would watch a Halloween movie, eat caramel apples and enjoy ourselves. Instead, my mom turned on a tv show which I no longer watch. So I went back to my room. She came back when it was over and so I went out in the living room. There was another show on that I had vowed not to watch (I'd seen a headline for the show and decided it wouldn't be a good idea for me to watch that), so I switched the channel. My mom asked why I wouldn't want to see it and I mentioned the headline I had read (I didn't read the articles, because that would be stupid). Well, she brought up the fact that a show I had watched last night had contained a bad scene. Yes, I had switched the channel and then switched back when it was over. I admit it. It was a British cop show and I just wanted to watch something British. It wasn't worth it, as I spent the rest of the night trying to get that 2 second image out of my head. Yet another tv show I cannot watch. Sigh.

Well, this led to a fight. I was so mad and hurt. I try not to judge others, but it hard that people watch the shows or read the books I want to read, but can't (or choose not to).
So I wrote her a letter. And printed off the headline of the article about the show and the guest blog post I referenced earlier about "Porn on Paper." In the letter I explained that I have to be vigilant. That while there are some people who can watch such shows, I cannot. I asked her to respect my choice.
No one has mentioned the letter. I'm not even sure she got it.

Sigh. So it's been… tough. Saturday a family member really hurt my feelings. I struggled with anger, feeling alone and unloved. It didn't help that as I went to bed, my cats chose to sleep in another room. That was a low blow. Yes, it's silly now, but when I am feeling down it is easy to find reasons to stay there. Instead, I made myself go to Stake Conference the next day.

Still not progress on Step 10, although I'm working on being accountable daily. On reaching out to Heavenly Father, on praying for specific experiences or help each day and reporting each night. I plan on working on it Sunday. Maybe actually finishing the step! Gasp!

That's about it.
Oh, tonight I went to the temple. I've been meaning to (and what better way to spend Thursday nights since my mom watches three hours of television that I choose not to watch?) and tonight I wanted to go. I did initiatory! I love listening to the promises there. I love the blessings. I love feeling worthy of those blessings.

Some days I am amazed at what miracle God has worked in my life.