Addiction in Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

I love RL Stevenson. He's one of my favorite authors.

In fact, I read The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde a few months before I had my rock bottom moment that started me on recovery over four years ago. The story stuck with me. In fact, while I was writing after my first slip, I mentioned it in a Study and Understanding section. How I felt like Hyde was out and wouldn't go back in.
A year ago, I decided to read it again, and I got an audiobook version to listen to while driving.
Listening to it, I had a realization! It's a story of addiction!

Spoilers, if you've never read the story. (PS Don't watch TV versions of it. They usually have a sexual aspect which is not in the book.)

Dr. Jekyll is an upstanding man, but, he reveals to his friend, he wanted to be able to commit sin without remorse!

 "If each, I told myself, could but be housed in separate identities, life would be relieved of all that was unbearable; the unjust delivered from the aspirations might go his way, and remorse of his more upright twin; and the just could walk steadfastly and securely on his upward path, doing the good things in which he found his pleasure, and no longer exposed to disgrace and penitence by the hands of this extraneous evil.”

Sound familiar?

Jekyll creates a drug to bring out the evil/immoral side of him. He becomes Mr. Hyde. Mr. Hyde knocks down and steps on a small child. Later, he murders someone. Yet he shows no remorse. Hyde is purely the immoral aspect of man.
At the end of the story, Jekyll recounts how, when he tried to stop becoming Mr. Hyde, he couldn't! Then Hyde begins coming out at will. No more drugs needed. And the drink that Jekyll used to stop Hyde ceases to work. Knowing he has no control, Jekyll becomes Mr. Hyde and commits suicide.

As I was listening to this, I realized how much Hyde is addiction.  It starts out as curiosity, or blatant rebellion. Then, once we're hooked, there is a part of us that wants to indulge in the addiction without consequence or remorse. And then we find ourselves giving in more and more. We can't stop and, eventually, the addiction takes over our lives and we are trapped. If we don't seek help, we know there is a real possibility of death.

However, sad as Jekyll's end is, WE have the option of turning to Heavenly Father. We don't need salts or drinks. :)
We believe that we can be healed from the damage of addiction and that our Heavenly Father does this for us.

There is hope even in the darkest moments.

It's too heavy

Good thing: I finally was able to go to group last week. I missed the reading, but I was there for the sharing. Which was really good, but I was exhausted afterward.
This illness is not going away.

I'm getting better, just not as fast as I would like.
It's frustrating. I'm tired, ill and can't eat hardly anything.
I try to eat something that sounds good and it bites me back.
I called my doctor and went to see a specialist. It didn't help that, while filling out the paperwork, anesthesia was mentioned and my dear brain started to freak out.

It's been freaking out a lot lately.

My anxiety's been coming in waves. I take a pill, I eat something, etc, and I get all nervous again.
I'm so tired.
The specialist basically said this is going to take time to heal.
Ugh.

Added to that, I've been having two or three user dreams every week. Really strong ones, where I wake up not knowing if this was real or just a dream. Stupid brain.
I haven't been keeping up with my scripture reading or journal writing. I feel too tired to do it.
Paul's writings are really hard to understand when you're mental capacity is low.

There are changes I want to make, improvements. Like scheduling my day and trying to work out. Or working on the steps.
I'm finally on Step 12. (yay)
I wish I could feel more positive, be more positive, but this has been going on for months. And I'm tired, sick and sad.
All of this has brought up feelings of homesickness for the UK.
I'm feeling stuck. It's hard when people talk about following your dreams, because I so am not doing that right now. Hitting a brick wall at every turn.

I want something different, but I have no idea what. Plus, thinking and worrying about this while sick is not helpful.

I'm trying not to be Lot's wife, but dang, is it hard. This week marks 4 years since I came home from the UK. I miss it so. I feel like I have no purpose here.
I try to be thankful. I'm grateful for my apartment, for my landlords, for rainbows and birds on top of morning sun kissed trees. But when you wonder what the point is. Why am I going through this?
With me being so sick, I've missed work and I have no leave hours left, so money has been tight. Which just adds to the worries.
I went and saw the bishop last week, and there is some hope, but I missed church today and the sacrament. I honestly don't want to go.
Today it's too heavy.
There is so much to do, but I don't know where to start or how.
Sorry this is such a downer. Today I'm sad and tired and worried.
But here is a song of hope.

Conference was great!

Good news: I'm on the road to recovery!
This week was better than last.
Thanks to the wonders of modern medicine. It's taste awful, but it's working.

It's still been hard with feeling horrible, anxiety levels way high and barely able to deal with life, not to mention anything else.

And I couldn't concentrate on General conference. I did well for the Saturday Sessions, but today I was not paying attention.
My goal, then, is to read and listen to them again, closely. Because there are some answers I'm seeking and praying for.
Especially the "What Lack I yet?" Oh, that one is already bringing the guilt!


Now I'm tired and one of my goals is to be in bed by a good time.

I will try to write more later.

There's gotta be a point to this.... please

Today.
Today is hard.
This whole week has been a trial.
Ha.
These past two months have been a trial.

I'm tired. I've been having panic attacks all day.
I've felt weak and ill.
Totally freaked out.

Last Sunday I started feeling sick after church and then it hit full force on Monday.
After I got some bad news on Monday about work and my pay.
I went home early and was up most of that night. I figured it was food poisoning.
Missed work Tuesday, started feeling better that night and then was up again.
So Wednesday I went to see my doctor.
It's not food poisoning.
I've missed a lot of work. I have no idea how to make ends meet.
Two Priesthood blessings have helped, but not healed like I hoped (as in instant, or at least overnight).
Two user dreams this week as well. Very real and very troubling.

BUT I finally got to take the sacrament today!
I have a kitty curled up on my leg.
Inside, I feel things will get better. That I will make it through this.

Casting Crowns came out with a new song and I love it.
It came on the radio the other day when I was feeling so lost and alone.

Stop holding on and just be held.
My addiction won't beat me. Neither will my depression.
I'll overcome the lies.
Just as soon as I feel up to it....

I'm still here

Hi there.
It's been a rough month, well, two months.
I'm grateful for the priesthood.
But the last couple months have me questioning myself. Why I'm here. Where I'm supposed to be.
What my future will be.

I finally made it to group on last week and it was wonderful. I've missed those dear sisters in recovery.
Today I'm feeling down. I missed church (I missed church last week due to illness) again today and, when I tried to find a church to take the sacrament, well, the parking lot was empty.
I'm frustrated and I know it's because I'm tired and just coming off an illness. Life stressed and money stresses are not helping.

So I will keep trying. At group I had inspiration to write down what I need to do and part of that is writing more in my journal. I've been holding things in and it is starting to show.
I'm also reading a great book Undoing Depression, which talks about how depression rewires the brain (sound familiar?) and that medication and therapy may not be enough. It's more like addiction recovery! I think I can do that. :)

I stayed up way too late to clean my house, but it does feel better.

Anyway, it will be okay.
I asked for a priesthood blessing last week and it was just what I needed. Heavenly Father knows me. Even though I'm feeling horribly alone and lost right now, I'm not. At least I have my Heavenly Father and my Savior on my side.
Someday I'll know why I'm having to go through this all.
One goal is to start praying now for answers in the next General Conference.

As TobyMac says "We lose our way, we get back up again."

I'm trying.

A boat on the sea.

That's how I've been feeling the past couple weeks. Not a lost boat, but a boat bobbing up and down as it travels. High up on the waves and then down into the depths.
There have been good things. I got to see a dear recovery friend's wedding and see a very, very good film, InsideOut. 
And then one of my relatives from my dad's side of the family showed up, which caused a lot of triggers and some panic attacks. That was "fun."
Added to that, my dad is trying to make contact again. He wants my phone number and I told my brother that I didn't want him to have it.
You know how in Step 8 the manual recalls the woman who is able to forgive her abusive father and be relived of her painful feelings?
I'm not there. I feel like I have forgiven him, but I also don't want him in my life. Because he pops in and out again when he feels like it and I don't want to go through that again. Because here I am going through this AGAIN.
Ugh.

Anyway, then there were hard days, but things started to look up. I went to spend the weekend with my family and, barring a mishap when I got wet when I didn't want to and I didn't react nicely, which caused some tension, but only briefly.
So last Monday I had a wonderful day. Work was good. I was getting on new meds that would help me, and I was feeling happy.

And then an unexpected expense hit and I floundered again.
The temptation to indulge in my addiction was back, because I knew it would help me feel better, with the addict part trying to forget that the feeling doesn't last!
I was mad at Heavenly Father too, because I don't feel like I've made any progress.
Just remember that depression lies. Addiction lies! Anxiety lies.
I was dealing with a lot of lies.

Added to this, was a post I put on Facebook that had people I thought friends attacking me.

I prayed. I found resources online to tell me that it is going to be okay. I watched videos of kitties and tigers. I played with my cats. I gave thanks for my cats. I accepted the moments of anxiety. I breathe. I tell myself it won't last and I keep walking.

I went to group last week, which was such a blessing. We read Step 2, Hope and I needed that message. Seriously, group is the BEST!

I take things easy. Although I still need to work on my sleep patterns.
And my brother gave me a blessing which really helped. It's gotten me through rough days this week.
I go outside at night and look at the stars and breathe and pause.

I am going to be okay. :)
I will keep fighting. I've learned that God can't help with all my battles (after all, He can't make phone calls, much though I wish He would ;) ), but He will help me during the fight.
Yes, I know Jesus loves me. Ups and downs are part of life. We have to keep sailing.

Put one foot forward in faith. Then another.

The above quote is from Rosemary Wixom. It was on Facebook and I really liked it.
It's how I feel right now.
I'm still struggling. This last week was one of the roughest in a very long time. I've felt ill. I've felt depressed. I've felt overwhelmed. I've thrown up. I've wanted to give up and I've been scared and anxious.
Someone suddenly quit at work. Which added to my burdens there. And then there are hints, because I am struggling with being on time, that I might not get to keep my job! Just what I needed.

I've been sick, very sick and got a blessing. I'm feeling panicky, nervous, anxious, sad, and really nervous that I'm heading for a dark time like in the UK several years ago, where the only thing that got me through a day was listening to hymns and conference talks.
And then I get worried that I'll lose my job if I miss too much.

So I'm switching medications. Oh, it's been fun, a mix of headaches and anxiety, a lot of prayer involved. I finally figured out it was just my neck, not cancer like I was freaking out that it was. That's the fun with anxiety. Big worries with no basis in reality.

My brother is struggling with his addiction too. And this is affecting his marriage. And it's involving my family.
It's hard to not push and get involved, but step back and recognize that all you can do is bear your testimony and pray for him and his wife.
We each have to make the decision to be active in recovery.

My mom says to be active. To volunteer. The suggestion merely makes me feel overwhelmed. I should be writing in my journal every night. I should be exercising every day. I should be developing my talents.
And I want to curl up in bed and hide.

So I dragged myself to PASG group last night. Which was good, but this morning the feelings of loneliness overwhelmed me. I felt like I didn't have any friends. No one to rely on or turn to. I'm so tired of reaching out. Could someone, besides Heavenly Father, reach back?

I miss the UK. It's not going away and I admit that the UK is my go to escape place. The one place I think everything was perfect. Even though I know it wasn't perfect.
I'm lonely, I'm scared and I'm sad today.

The blessing I got last week used that phrase that bothers me "Heavenly Father is mindful of you." Mindful. Ugh! Mindful means "Bearing in mind" "Inclined to be aware." Not words that help me feel closer to my Father in Heaven.
And I know it's not Him. I know it's me. I'm struggling.
There are days I'm just glad I made it to work and fed myself.

Sorry this is so depressing. Someday, things will be better. I know that deep, deep down inside.
Today, though, I can't feel it.

So I'm going to clean my house. I'm going to go to Stake Conference. I will put one foot in front of the other and keep trying.
I may take a Social Media break. I'll see.

Today, I can make it through today.

Augh. Life is hard.

This past month has been a roller coaster.
And part of me just wants to be done.

Except that I can't.
I have to keep trudging.
I hate trudging.

In the past month I have felt so lonely, lost and alone. I've been so homesick for the UK. I've felt triggered and tempted and had memories of fantasies and books come back very strongly and clearly. I've literally had to physically move to resist temptation.

The loneliness I can fix, so I tried to get involved with local Single Adult group. Still haven't made any friends. It seems very cliquish. I'm still going, just without a lot of enthusiasm.

And then my dad contacted my brother for his birthday, which means I'm probably next.
I do feel that I have forgiven my father, but there's no desire to have anything to do with him. I just want him to leave me alone. The worry about it, coupled with the ache of wanting to have a dad, has added stress.

Then, Friday at work, a co worker saw me reading my Nook and teased me about reading a romance novel. Which stung because I don't want people to think that. He was just teasing.
So I went to group. I was the only one.

Group is what gets me through these times.
I struggle with the fear that I will be stuck here forever.
I know that I need to work on things, the program, my prayers, etc., and I'm trying to do that.
Today I'm fasting for myself, for help.
I'm working on being grateful. For a beautiful cloud, for rain, for the blessings that I do have, like an apartment I love. My cats. My family. My car.
The Gospel.
The Book of Mormon.

Last weekend, I went to the temple for the first time in months. I'm scheduling two regular days a month to go. I cannot miss those dates. :)
So, I don't have all the answers.
Today has been emotionally rough in a lot of ways. A lesson I taught which I didn't think went well at all. Finding out that Elder Holland was in my UK ward today. I miss it so much and I try not to live in the past.
And I missed the sacrament.
At times like these, it's so easy to beat myself up. Which starts a vicious cycle where it's hard to get up in the morning. I could just sit on my couch playing games on my phone.

Today I'm watching Church videos. I'm fasting until 5:30. I'm writing this blog, which helps.
Our Sunday School lesson today was about Zacchæus. Who wants to see the Savior so desperately, that he climbs a tree.

What I love, though, is that the Savior knows where he is and he calls Zacchæus by name.

"And when Jesus came to the place, he looked up, and saw him, and said unto him, Zacchæus, make haste, and come down; for to day I must abide at thy house."

A small reminder that the Lord knows me.

I still struggle with addiction. I still struggle with the addict tendencies and character weaknesses in my life. Yet, the Savior knows where I am and He knows my name.

We have to pass through trouble. With the hope that it will get better.

I'm holding on to that hope today.

Literally and figuratively

The night I left the UK, I received a blessing. In it I was promised a marriage (in this lifetime, so it could be when I'm 98) and then I was told that I would wander through the desert for a time.

Last Sunday, as I was driving back to Utah from a great Time Out For Women, I was thinking about all this.
I'd missed church that day. At my favorite ward! So my mom and I lay in bed and talked for a long time. About my depression. About what I should be doing.
I listened to a conference talk on the way home and then talked to Heavenly Father.
The TOFW was great. It really was nice. I took a lot of notes so I can go back and read them.
A lot about setting goals, achieving dreams, and becoming women of God. I think I liked all the presentations. And I cried.
Because life is hard right now.
I have a job that I'm fairly good at. But I don't love it.
I hardly hear from my family. My mom I talk to every day, but my brothers I hardly ever hear from, or it's a text to all of us. I don't think I've talked to them in weeks. I have friends at work, but I don't really have friends to go hang out with.
I am lonely and alone.

When I received that blessing, I didn't realize the Lord meant I would wander through the desert literally and figuratively.

Somewhere deep down, though, I must know it's going to be okay. I get out of bed every morning. I turn thoughts, emotions, triggers, and temptations over to my Heavenly Father. This program taught me how to do that.
Friday I had a bad experience at work and, shopping afterward, I kept getting hit with pornographic images in my head. I couldn't figure out why until I realized it was because I was mad!
So I turned the incident over to the Lord. I tried to analyze why I'd gotten mad and I figured out because I felt it was personal and I wasn't supported. But I didn't just try to fix my emotional state on my own, I asked the Lord for help.
Also, I need to quit reading stuff online. Sheesh. I caught myself reading a movie plot that contained a description of a sex scene and then I was mad at myself for the rest of the day because I was fighting off triggers. That's a goal for this week.

At PASG this week, I shared an analogy. Most of the attendees were new and when I say I've been in recovery for four years, the new ones usually look overwhelmed.
Four years ago I thought I would be done and fixed by now. And here I am not even finished with the program! ha ha ha.
Anyway, I recently had a physical. I was really, really nervous because I HATE needles. The last time I had blood drawn, I ended up throwing up and being taken out in a wheelchair. Yes, I'm aware that I could do the physical without the blood work, but I felt that I needed to do it. Dang it, I knew I could do it!
So I prayed. I asked people to pray for me. I did relaxation exercises. I told myself that I could do this. I've given blood once before (this was before the last traumatic needle experience) and that became my mantra. "I did it before. I can do it now."
And... I did it!
That's how recovery is. There's this big, scary fear that we know we can't overcome. So we pray, we turn to others, we read the scriptures, we work the program and then we rely on the Lord. We let our Savior help us.
My life isn't magically fixed. I still have sad days. I struggle to feel a part of my ward. Being in your 30s and single is hard! To be honest, last night I completely tuned out of Women's Conference when it was announced that the special videos would be about families. I didn't want to hear about families.  I'm not close to my own family right now and my "future" family is some distant mirage. So I only half listened. I will repent and watch it again. :)

My life is... good. I love where I live. I love my landlords. My ward is really cool. I'm learning to be content with what I have.
I do love PASG. I love coming on here and reading the blogs. They help me.
I'm working on just scheduling out my days. I'm going to go to FHE tomorrow for the Mid-singles. I'm going to pray and read good books and be happy in the moment.
I probably should fit Step 11 in there somewhere. But that's a blog post for another day...

For General Conference, I'm going to pray to hear the messages for me. I did this my first conference after I started recovery and every single talk, every single song touched me as a message from my Heavenly Father. Try it. Ask that this Conference your heart and mind be open to the message your God and Father wants you to know.

Four years in Recovery. Sometimes it does not get easier.

So this week, I'm fairly sure, is my Four Year Anniversary of being in Recovery. I think my first meeting was March 11. I don't pay attention to dates and my journal keeping at the time was not great (it still isn't). But Happy Anniversary to me!

With that, though...
(Warning: May contain triggers)

Last night I had several user dreams. Not just one! Several. Some violence related (which was my early masturbation trigger before I found romance novels) and a couple sex ones. Very vivid dreams. I've been fighting the memories all day.
Which meant I woke up late and was late to church. I missed the Sacrament. I knew I was going to miss it. First, I needed to kneel and pray for forgiveness, for help. Not a hurried prayer, but a sincere prayer. I knew I needed to go to church. So I went. I was half an hour late, but I went.
The talks in Sacrament were good, but I was still mad at myself so I wasn't paying attention. I know a user dream isn't necessarily my fault, but to me, they signaled a bigger problem. And dealing with the triggers is not fun.
I know why.
I've been watching stupid, mindless things online that sometimes contain inappropriate scenes. It doesn't matter if I skip over them, if I can in time, they are still there.
I haven't been to group in over a month. I meant to go a couple weeks ago, but fell asleep after work and woke up too late.
So tonight, I called into a Women's PASG Meeting. I'm so very glad I did. More on that later.

After the closing prayer, I was really, really early to Sunday School. The other ward was still lingering. Since I hadn't read this week's RS lesson, I opened up my manual and started reading Chapter 5, "Principles of True Repentance."

Bam. Heavenly Father was speaking to me directly. I even took the book with me, when I went to other ward to take the Sacrament. I really wanted to take the Sacrament and figured I should miss a bit of Relief Society to renew my covenants. It was a good experience, bowing my head, repeating the prayers in my head as if I was saying them. Praying for forgiveness for my sins. Partaking of the bread and water. I needed the sacrament.

Sunday School was focused on the Beautitudes. As I read along and listened to the discussion, I realized that I was doing okay. Not great. But I wasn't hopeless. I was making progress. I had come far since the dark days of my addiction. Progress was being made and I hadn't gone back. Even if it felt like it. ;)
And that's one reason why I loved, and very much needed, to read President Benson's words today.

"One of Satan’s most frequently used deceptions is the notion that the commandments of God are meant to restrict freedom and limit happiness. Young people especially sometimes feel that the standards of the Lord are like fences and chains, blocking them from those activities that seem most enjoyable in life. But exactly the opposite is true. The gospel plan is the plan by which men are brought to a fulness of joy. This is the first concept I wish to stress. The gospel principles are the steps and guidelines that will help us find true happiness and joy... If we wish to truly repent and come unto Him so that we can be called members of His Church, we must first and foremost come to realize this eternal truth—the gospel plan is the plan of happiness. Wickedness never did, never does, never will bring us happiness [see Alma 41:10]. Violation of the laws of God brings only misery, bondage, and darkness."

I recognize and know that my addiction does not bring freedom, but only misery, bondage and darkness. I know that! 

President Benson had five principles that signify true repentance. That was the first. The second was to have Faith in the Savior. Third is one that I've struggled with. A Change of Heart. Or Step 6. So I've completed Step 6, but I still struggle having a change of heart. In Step 10, the manual states that we have lost all desire for our addictions. But I still struggle with triggers and temptations. So I do feel like I'm two faced. Part of me still remembers the feelings and wants to experience those again. It's only by remembering the results of my addiction, the shame, etc., that I can overcome it. That, and praying to my Heavenly Father. Which I did, a lot, today.

Anyway, it's a great lesson.  I could quote most of it here. I hope you read it. It gave me hope when I needed it. The Holy Ghost helped me see I'm doing okay. Godly sorrow was definitely a part of my day.

The PASG meeting I phoned into was on Step 4 and that also buoyed me up. I underlined some new ideas that I noticed. And then it came to section of questions to ask when writing the inventory... In the past, when we've read this step, I've been uncomfortable. Because I still see myself doing those things. Tonight, however, I felt good about the questions. I feel I'm doing better at turning things over to the Lord.

Also, I read some of these blogs (which I haven't done in a while. I've missed you!) and that gave me more encouragement and hope. And insight. 

There are some things I need to cut back on. I spent the evening watching Church videos to fill up my Youtube recommendations with good things. 

All in all, I feel hopeful. There is lots I need to work on, eating, sleep, thoughts, emotions, etc. But I know I can it, because I know in whom I can rely. My Heavenly Father, my Savior and the Holy Ghost. They are rooting for me. They are reaching for me.

President Benson ended with this quote "We must not lose hope. Hope is an anchor to the souls of men. Satan would have us cast away that anchor. In this way he can bring discouragement and surrender. But we must not lose hope. The Lord is pleased with every effort, even the tiny, daily ones in which we strive to be more like Him. Though we may see that we have far to go on the road to perfection, we must not give up hope."

Then he says "Finally, we must remember that most repentance does not involve sensational or dramatic changes, but rather is a step-by-step, steady, and consistent movement toward godliness."

That was what I needed today. The assurance that I am making the effort. That this effort will pay off.  If I hold on to hope and strive for true repentance daily, I am making "steady and consistent movement toward godliness." 

So can you.

Four years ago was a very, very dark time in my life. I had lost hope, but I turned to my Heavenly Father for help. I had no idea the journey ahead. But I give thanks daily for this program. I marvel at the miracle He has made of my life.

I could not do this without my Godhead.

You can do this too. He is waiting. They are willing.

Like trying to run through water.

I'm moved into my new place. I have a job full time.

And... my depression is back. The anxiety is there too, coming in to make me feel like doom is around the corner.
Being surrounded by boxes to unpack and major decisions to make about where to put everything, is not helping the situation.
I read an article today about how depression is like trying to run through water. It's hard.

I knew I was struggling, but how much didn't hit me until last week.
My sleep schedule is WAY off and I've been staying up late unpacking and then falling asleep after work and then waking up at 9pm and then staying up late... you get the idea.

So I woke up late, again, after staying up late, again, and I got dressed (I'd showered and I had dug through suitcases to find clothes for work). I put on makeup, I did my hair and I put on my coat and I grabbed my keys.
Then I stood at the door. I didn't want to go to work.
And I went into my room and I sent an email that I was sick (because saying "I'm depressed, I can't come into work was a truth I wasn't at yet) and I washed off the makeup, took out my contacts and spent the morning watching videos on Youtube. Then I slept for the afternoon and finally woke up and ran some errands.
That's when I knew, because getting out the door again was not easy.
You would think everything falling into place would cure the depression, not make it worse!
So I'm seeing a doctor next week. I'm so scared this will turn into my last full time job experience, where I lost the job because I didn't show up for a whole month. Really. I think I went in maybe once or twice. My sick leave and holiday pay were both gone and I didn't care. I just didn't get paid.
Depression and my addiction played a huge role in that. But I didn't know I was addicted at the time.

That day, I listened to Elder Holland's talk "Like a Broken Vessel" over and over again.
I've prayed.
And I'm trying to see the good things I do.
Like yesterday, I got my living room pretty much unpacked. Even though that meant more boxes in the other rooms, I tried to focus on the good that I'd done. I have a place to sit! I put up a bookcase!

I also learned of a change I need to make for both depression and recovery.
That night, as I cleaned, I was listening to October Conference talks. Then Elder Quentin L. Cook's Priesthood Session talk came on. Now I'm not a huge fan of Elder Cook, so I was only half listening.
Then he said this: "A wonderful example of the need for moderation, balance, and wisdom is the use of the Internet...As Brother Randall L. Ridd poignantly taught at the last general conference, speaking of the Internet, “You can get caught up in endless loops of triviality that waste your time and degrade your potential.”

Metaphorical hand to the back of my head.
I've been struggling with triggers and temptations. And one thing that's contributed to it is what I've been wasting my time on. Youtube has some interesting channels about films and Top 10 lists and I've been watching them, but yesterday, one of them got really bad. Again. They will show the complete scene from a film. And I kept watching.
Well, then I was struggling with the memory of that scene the rest of the day. Stupid, stupid decision.

When Elder Cook spoke those words "endless loops of triviality" I realized that I was doing that exactly!
I know part of it my depression. But I should be watching better videos. Like the Bible Videos. :)

I have felt temptation a lot more.
The other day, as I was shopping for muffin tins, I passed by the book section and I just wanted to go read a romance novel! My mind was literally saying "go read it, it will help." ha ha ha ha.
I haven't had thoughts like that in a long time. I mean, more than fleeting ones.

I'll make it, though. I have the Lord on my side. I just have to do my part.
Today in Relief Society, the lesson was Elder Christofferson's talk on Agency and he pointed out that repentance is self-will. The Lord will help us heal and forgive us, but we have to make the choice to repent!
I know that He guides us to that point. He won't make us change, but He keeps reaching out to us to help us, knowing that we will turn to Him. What a lovely thought.

One other contributor is that I've missed group for a month. I didn't go one night because I was tired, then I went home to get packed and then I was moving and then... well, it is being felt.
So I'm thinking of going to a general ARP meeting tonight. I feel like I need it.
Even a phone in one... just a meeting.

The good news is that:
Today I went to Church.
Today I can trust my Heavenly Father.
Today I can fast for help.

Today I can do little things and appreciate that I can do something.

It's not just spiritual

I'm moving to my new place in a couple weeks. I'm loving my job.
I'm working on Step 11 (I have 2 questions left in the Study and Understanding!). I'm praying.

But I feel... out of sync.

Sometimes, if I sit a certain way, pain starts in my chest and I, being the anxiety attack prone person I am, fear I'm having a heart attack. Which, of course, can bring on a panic attack. Fun.
Now my shoulders hurt, my neck, my back, and my chest.

A couple weeks ago, I slipped and fell at work. I thought I just hurt my ankle (my right ankle is always getting sprained. Poor weak thing), but then I found bruises on my legs, my head hurt and now, my shoulders, my lower back, and my legs hurt.
I think that aggravated an existing problem and now... I feel out of sync! It hurts to sit.
My eating habits are not the best (lately I've been eating those super size muffins). I crave sugar.
I just want to sleep all day.
Not to mention the aches and pains and the moments of RUN RUN NOW! panic attacks. I'm averaging about 1 a week. Maybe two. My panic attacks are a sense of impending doom with a fierce flight desire. Something I can't do in the middle of work. I breathe deeply.... a lot.

I can't sleep.
I'm not exercising.
And I hurt.
And I can't sleep.

Yesterday was especially hard. It started out great. I'm getting ready to move into my place. I was late, because of the whole can't sleep thing, but I felt good... and then I went to see a play. It's about a women who has never been loved and then she meets this guy who convinces her she's beautiful and it has a very happy ending. It was hard to watch.
There is a part of me that wants to be loved so badly. I ache sometimes with the longing to have someone, a man, in my life. Yet there is also that fear of being hurt, again. Or there's the fear of getting married and actually having sex and then that triggers a relapse. Even just the idea of kissing someone scares me, because I don't know how I would deal with that emotion. Most of my life, I've lived in a fantasy world, where I made myself feel those feelings. Sometimes, the idea of having to actually be kissed in the real world triggers me.
So I shut it down. I don't read romance novels, even "clean" ones. ha ha ha. Like there is a such a thing.
So this play brought up a lot of difficult, longing emotions.

So, I turned to the internet and googled "single LDS in mid 30s" hoping to find someone who was in a similar situation.
Don't do that, by the way. EVER.

I was seeking comfort, but I found a plethora of websites on the fringe of Mormon culture. I found the women who support the Ordain Women initiative, etc. Women and men who, I realized, want the world to revolve around them and use their singleness as an excuse. Some have even gone inactive.
Instead of solace, I got doubt. and I was tired enough to recognize that letting this much doubt in was not the solution. It would only make things worse. So I prayed.

Missing group Friday night did not help. I was exhausted and planned on going to bed early. And... couldn't sleep!

Today, as I hobbled around (my hips hurt too), I realized I wasn't taking care of all of me.
Step 10 (it's becoming my new Step 3. Step 10!!). I haven't been doing Step 10. I haven't been working the steps each day. And also...
The ARP Manual says

"As you plan your day, prayerfully examine your motives. Are you doing too much or too little? Are you taking care of your basic spiritual, emotional, and physical needs? Do you serve others?

Ask yourself these and other questions as you seek balance and serenity in your day. (pg. 59)"

Forehead slap. I'm not doing this! Any of this! I'm not exercising. I'm not eating healthy, good foods, without lots of sugar, chocolate and candy (and muffins). I'm praying morning and night, but I'm reading the scriptures for only a few minutes at night. Doing both of these things would help with the depression.

It may be my accident at work just aggravated the issue, but I know I'm out of sync. My depression is high. My panic attacks are really bad. I've been triggering a lot lately. And my body hurts. My heart hurts.

Even my spirit hurts. And there's so many triggers.

So it's time for some changes.

Today, I went for a walk and listened to Step 11 and watched the sun set. I watched the clouds change color, I listened to beautiful music. I'm writing in my blog.

Then I'm going to take a shower. I'm going to get some sleep (I'm going to bed extra early tonight and I will not fail! ;)

Then I'm going to see a chiropractor. And I'm going to exercise. Even if it's a 10 minute jog. Or a walk on my lunch break. 

And I'm only going to have sweets on the weekend. Except I can have a hot cocoa if I really, really feel like I need chocolate. Work does not make this easy, though.

I am talking to my Heavenly Father. A lot. I am telling Him my fears and my hopes. I'm saying my needs. He's answering my prayers in good, small ways.

This all snuck up on me. I did not even realize how bad things were until this weekend. 

Please don't think things are completely awful. I am not sitting around in my pjs eating extra large muffins and watching rom-coms instead of going to work.

I'm just struggling to not do that. 

I go to church. I study my lesson. I pray. I pray to remember Heavenly Father and Jesus always. To remember that I can turn this over to Them. To remember to pray.

I'm coming up on my Four Year Anniversary of Starting Recovery. I've been thinking about me then. How I thought I would be fixed in 12 weeks. Ha ha ha ha ha.

But I wouldn't have this any other way. I am so blessed to be in recovery. No, I'm not perfect in it, but I can become better. It's worth the price to pay.

The last few months have been a lot to deal with! Big changes, broken hearts, job worries, stress at home, job worries, missing group. Without recovery, I've no doubt that I would be in the middle of my addiction. It's only by the grace and help of my Savior and Lord, by reaching out to Him, that I am where I am today. I'm not in a great place, but it's a worthy place. I can make it a great place. A place I know will take me closer to Him.

All things are possible through God, even recovery.

I listen to a lot of Christian music. I know it's a safe radio station to have on. And I love the music. Not every single song, but there are times where the Lord sends me a message through the songs. 

TobyMac has new one out and I love it.

It gives me hope that I can overcome my addiction. That God gives us challenges so that we can grow, and that He will help us succeed. We just have to turn to Him. Surrender. Not that surrendering suddenly makes life easy or takes away agency or choice (darn it). 

All things are possible with God.

Call it a reason to retreat
I got some dreams that are bigger than me
I might be outmatched, outsized, the underdog in the fight of my life
Is it so crazy to believe

That You gave me the stars put them out of my reach
Called me to waters a little too deep
Oh, I've never been so aware of my need
You keep on making me see
It's way beyond me
It's way beyond me
Yeah, it's out of my league
It's way beyond me
It's way beyond me
It's way beyond …

Anything that I got the strength to do
In over my head keeps me countin' on You
I'm leaving the sweet spot, sure shot
Tradin' it all for the plans You got
Is it so crazy to believe

You take me to the place where I know I need You
Straight to the depths that I can't handle on my own
And the Lord I know, I know I need You
So take me to Your great …
Take me to Your great unknown

Why I love ARP

Due to the craziness of the holidays and life, I missed ARP for three weeks.
I've struggled with ARP here, for various reasons, the big one being it's on a Friday and if I want to go somewhere for the weekend, I miss it. But I also know that I need to attend group. I definitely feel the miss if I don't go.
And the past three weeks of group have been wonderful.
My heart is so full of gratitude for this program. How it's helped me. How it's changed me.

January has been hard. My roommate left for the whole holiday weekend, which is good. But also worried me a bit. Being on my own for a whole weekend may not be great. My depression and anxiety has come back, so I didn't get much done. But I also didn't give in to temptations. I also exercised!

I've had some money stresses lately. Basically, I want my own place. While I love my ward, I feel the need to be on my own. My own pad, with my cats and my own furniture. My television programs. The problem is, apartments are ridiculously expensive here and I'm not sure how much I can afford.
And, due to some paperwork problems, I'm having to pay back part of my last paycheck and I won't get the replacement until next pay day. And I haven't gotten these new paychecks yet!

Basically, I feel a little adrift. I am so grateful to have a job. But I also need to plan for the future and, as the future has always scared me (my first panic attacks would be around birthdays, holidays, big events like graduation) and I realized that is one of the reason's I haven't been making goals, like 5, 10 year plans, etc., is that the future scares me. I'm still working on overcoming that. I struggle with goals, so I'm looking for ways to set goals and achieve them. I found a great resource on line to help set goals while dealing with depression. I hope it helps.

Last week's group was on Step 2 and as we started reading, I realized I hadn't looked at Step 2 in a long time! It was almost like reading a new step. It reminded me how important consistent review of the steps is. I have been struggling with hope and I hadn't been reading a step that would help me with that struggle! Duh.
So I'm going to start reading at least one recovery scripture every day. It may be Step 11, Step 1, Step 2, but it's going to be a recovery scripture. I would like to start reading Step 1, 2, or 3 every night again. I think it would really help.

Friday I was talking to a friend who shared that one of her relatives is an addict. They have lost their family, their job, and been arrested numerous times. As I listened, I mourned for this person and their family, including my friend. I prayed that they would somehow find recovery. (I ended up sending my friend a link to the ARP program for spousal/family support). And I also thought how that could have been me. I stood in danger of losing it all too, once. Well, I stood at the top of that steep incline, maybe even a few steps down. I am so grateful that the light of Christ was strong enough to help me see that I needed help four years ago and prompted me to go the Bishop. Even if I thought it would be a month without the sacrament kinda deal. Not a Four years in Recovery one. Not that I would change anything! I love this program. I am eternally grateful that it is in my life!
I cannot cease singing praise to my Lord and my God for helping me to be in recovery 4 years later. It's not easy. I still struggle and I know that there are still changes to be made. I'm still learning to choose Heavenly Father over many things, but I know I can do it with Them by my side.
Every day I pray for the ability to turn my thoughts and emotions over to Heavenly Father. To recognize when I need to lean on Him.
I am a miracle. He healed me.
As my AA coin says, "I not only believe in miracles, I depend on them."


Update: So I found a place this weekend! My own apartment! It's a basement in the house of a Christian couple near work and I am so happy. I can have my cats! Yay!

A new year...

First off: I have a job!
A real, permanent job!

YAY!

It was a Christmas present from my Heavenly Father.
Of course, this being me.... my body is now freaking out.
Somehow, I can make it through the stressful portion and then, when things calm down, my body and brain say "Ok, life is good. Crisis over...now lets freak out." I've been battling panic attacks and, surprisingly, a lot of triggering thoughts, memories... one of a "book" I was writing years ago.
I keep giving it up to Heavenly Father. I don't want anything to come between me and Him, especially memories that I have repented of. Nice how Satan likes to drag those up.

I don't want those. I want my Heavenly Father.
Not to say it's hard.
I've been battling fantasies. Especially of having a boyfriend. The holidays, for some reason, bring a feeling of loneliness for me. Really, I am fine being single. In many ways, I can't imagine having a boyfriend. I haven't had one since I was 16 and... what would I do with one?
I'm still struggling with my crush and so I try to think of what I want in a boyfriend, but that veers too close to fantasy territory. Gah!
Also, being the holidays, I haven't been eating the healthiest, which I know contributes.
So my resolutions are to work out more often, work Step 11 more often and watch my sugar, because I'm starting to suspect that sugar is addictive.

But I have a job! I'll have a desk! A place that is mine.
Things are settled. It feels really nice. Like huge weight has been lifted.
Finally, March of 2015 will mark my fourth year since starting recovery! Wow.
I am so grateful for the ARP program. It has blessed my life in so many ways.
I am reborn. I am made new. I am healed through my Savior and Redeemer because I took courage and went to see my Bishop all those years ago.
If you are struggling, please see your Bishop. It may not be a perfect experience. Pray for your Bishop. Heavenly Father wants you to come back to Him. And if you take that first step, as I did, you will find that He is "anxiously reaching for you," as Elder Holland says.

Bring on 2015! With God on my side, who can stand against me!