It's less of a boulder and more like a towering wall.

You know that quote by President Monson that says the future is as bright as your faith?
My faith is pretty dim right now. So what does that mean?
I am struggling. Not with my addiction, but with life.

I feel as though I was going along the path, seeing the sights ahead, confident in where I was going and then the Lord dropped a huge wall (think Mordor's gates in LOTR) that stretches in both directions for a long, long way, right down in front of me. I have no idea how to get over the wall. I didn't ask for the wall, but it's there and it scares me.

I didn't get the job.

I didn't get my job.

So I feel like I'm standing there, staring at this unexpected wall and thinking "What the heck do I do now, God?"
Luckily, I can cover for someone else, so I have a job until January. And then... big blank.
It has been rough. I mean, rough. I've cried. I've felt so emotionally exhausted.

After I got the call to tell me, I went in the bathroom and cried. Then I left early, spent some time with a friend trying to process this. I didn't get the job. What am I supposed to do now?
And then I drove home to just escape. I got a blessing which was good and I am trying to hold onto the promises in that blessing. One thing I was told was to put the Lord in my heart. Which I do need to work on. My prayers were getting a bit rote.
Then I went to the temple, because that was also in the blessing. But the problem was... I am MAD.
I am furious!
Not at God, but at those involved in this process. It's a long story. So if I wasn't listening to a book, or music or watching TV, then I was thinking about this and getting more and more angry.
My trip to the temple was... ok. I wasn't concentrating, I was thinking about this situation and being mad and then triggering because my mind was trying to deal with my anger and the constant worry that I had no idea what was going to happen next.
The Relief Society lesson was on Prayer. Ok. So I'm working on that. Sincere prayer. Constant prayer.
And part of me was ready to move home right then. I was done with new. I wanted old. (barring the whole "no jobs" there conundrum).

I've been tired and depressed and the negative self talk has been constant.
I'm not good at anything. I won't get a job again because I can't do anything useful. I have no skills. No one wants to be my friend because I'm a horrible awful person. Etc and so forth.
NOT TRUE!
But Satan likes to attack us when we're down.
Being tired didn't help. I was making plans and those plans have changed and... what happens next?
No apartment for myself, which I was really looking forward to. No pets (which has been really really hard) right now.

I went to Group tonight and we were on Step 4. I realized that I haven't been doing Step 10. I haven't been reviewing my day with the Lord at night. I haven't been working on my Steps. I need to write in my journal (literally the Spirit was tapping me on the head while we were reading).

I love Group. I love the reminders I get every time I go. And I get hugs. :)
So I've applied for jobs. I paid my tithing. I'm going to the temple tomorrow.
Then, while I was sharing, I thought of the tender mercies the Lord gave me this week.
The Christian songs that came on the radio at my darkest moments with a message I needed right then (He Knows by Jeremy Camp). The hugs and encouragement from friends and co-workers (seriously, I've gotten three emails this week with job opportunities from co-workers and friends). The scriptures that I looked up that give me hope. The strength I've felt while I pray.

Just tonight, as I was typing this, I am listening to my youtube playlist of Christian music and Carry Me by Josh Wilson comes on. That is exactly how I feel. I need to know that God is with me. I need Him to carry me.

Somehow it will be alright. I have to hold onto that promise.  The Lord said in my blessing that doors would open. My faith is enough that I will believe that. Or at least keep trying until I see those doors.

I also highly recommend The Honest Guys channel on Youtube. I am listening to "Releasing Anger" every night. It is helping.

Finally, here is a song that I love, love right now.

Sometimes the world has just gone dark.
Sometimes you're praying for a spark.
Right now it feels so hard to breathe.
Right now you're asking "God, why me?"
That's what you can see right now.

There's a bigger view than what you can see right now.

But if you lift your eyes.
See it in a different light.
Just a cloud up in the open sky.
Let the rain fall away 'cause today is beautiful!

So I'm going to stop banging on the huge wall and lift my eyes up to my Heavenly Father and ask for help.
Turn this over to Him. And try to have faith that because He sees over the horizon and around the bend, He will lead me where I need to go.

He knows.

Today's lesson in Sunday School was in Isaiah. I love Isaiah! I love the promises from the Lord recorded by this prophet. Yes, I struggle to understand him, but the beauty of the language touches my heart.
As I've been reading these verses this week, Heavenly Father has spoken to me and given me comfort.
October was a rough, rough month, but it's getting better. I've had some great experiences going to visit friends and family. I still need to work on triggers from my family, well, because of my family. There are some unresolved issues there that I need to deal with.

And the good news is, within the next week, I will know about my job, finally! It's still nerve wracking, because I don't know what will happen.
Today I was reading the Ensign during church. I'm still trying to catch up on the October edition. Anyway, it was an article that talked about being single and the author quoted Elder Scott talking about compensatory blessings. That resonated with me.
Back when I was deep in my addiction, I was miserable and I saw the withholding of what I wanted as punishment from God. I see now that He is sending compensatory blessings for me when I don't get what I want. I'm still being blessed in good ways. Numerous ways.

I finally got to attend group and it was wonderful! It continually amazes me of the miracle God has performed in my life through the ARP program. This week thoughts and images and memories have been bombarding me! It's been a real struggle to give them to Heavenly Father. It's been a struggle not to feel shame, but I know I can get through these moments, if I turn to my Heavenly Father.

And as we read Isaiah 53:3-7, I remembered that my Savior knows. He knows about temptations and triggers. He knows my sorrow and struggles. He knows my doubts and fears.
I've been really struggling with sleep lately. As in getting to bed at a good time and getting up on time. It's been a lifelong struggle, actually. So I fasted about it today. I also have my own plans on how to help. Starting with setting an alarm at night to help me remember to get ready for bed.
Like recovery, I can't wait on the Lord to change me. I have to work at it as well. And keep going, even when I fail or struggle or want to give up.

But He knows me and He will help me. He loves me. He loves you.
Today in Sunday School we read Isaiah 53:6:
"All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way;"

In my manual, by Step 1, I wrote down these words from Peter and reading that verse made me think of this one, 1 Peter 2:25:
For ye were as sheep going astray; but are now returned unto the Shepherd and Bishop of your souls.

We have gone astray, but the Shepherd of our souls wants us to return to Him.