Last month I was fired from my job.
It sucks. It completely sucks and I am angry and upset and sad and mourning and lonely and depressed and more sad and then more angry. I have to drive past my former work at times, and I still picture it bursting into flames (no one is inside). It might be a while until I can move forward. ha ha ha.
And I am not stuffing these feelings. I'm FEELING them.
The first few days after it happened, I was surprised at how the longing for my addiction returned. It definitely wasn't as strong as it used to be... very weak, but still there. I could have given in. But I also knew it wasn't worth it. Yes, reading porn or indulging in fantasy would have eased the pain of being fired, but I know that, after that moment of high, then comes the crushing low. I didn't want that!
So I prayed. I cried. I wrote. I read books and listened to music. I refused to listen to the voice.
It's not been easy. My self worth and esteem tanked. I've felt lost, wondering why this had to happen. Not taking care of myself.
In my pornography group, PTW, (which I highly recommend), we talked about the journey from being an addict to becoming a non-addict.
I struggled with this, because the label of addict was freeing to me. It was an answer and a label that helped me recognize the problem and move forward in recovery. It was no longer a "bad habit."
However, our counselor talked about moving from addict to non-addict with risk factors.
I feel I'm getting there. Where I'm not an addict, but I do have risk factors to monitor and care for. Isn't that a great idea?
There are still hard days. Getting rejection letters every day, while psyching myself up for interviews only to get rejection letters is not fun. Plus, trying to get insurance... AUGH! It is hard. Very, very hard. I do want to run away.
Some days I still have to take a break and just relax. Count my blessings. Find a good moment. A "hand of God" moment.
Self care is important. I'm also working on actually attending the temple.
I'm holding on to hope that something better is coming. That God sees over and around and beyond the mountain in front of me.
It's been a long, long, hard winter, but I feel spring again. There are still wintry days, but I'm enjoying the sun more and more.
There is hope and happiness ahead.
