Recovery, anniversaries and stupid decisions

I saw this last year on Facebook post and I love it. It's TRUE!

I laugh and I nod, because I do make bad decisions.

Today I am definitely feeling the result of my stupid decisions.

Going through this illness, I've realized, is a lot like recovery. I'll get to that in a bit.

My 5th Anniversary of starting recovery is next month. I don't pay attention to dates and I wasn't keeping a journal at the time. Still working on consistent writing....

But February was my dark month five years ago and it was toward the end of February I made an appointment with my bishop... and now here I am.

I'm in a PTW group that meets once a week at the local LDS Family Services. Oh, my word, I love that place. My counselor is great and after only one week, I think I'm excited to see where the PTW group takes me. I feel I need to be reminded of where I've been and what I've learned.

Anyway, this week, I ate some food I shouldn't have, but I kept eating it because it was just so good. But instead of giving myself a break in between eating these foods, I ate them 3 days in a row. Just one meal, but it was a bad decision and this weekend I'm paying for it. I've been sleepy and sick and so, so panicky (hasn't that been so fun). I had all these things I planned to do and I've done nothing because I have to take time to recover. My body is forcing me to recover.

Which is a lot like my addiction was. I still have to avoid certain books and shows and music (though, honestly I don't think I'm missing much) because I know that they will trigger temptations and a desire to return "one more time." Because I do miss my fantasy world.

A lot has happened since my last blog post. Some big things have gone down at work and stressed me out and led me to question what the heck I'm doing and what the Lord wants from me.

I've had a couple lovely blessings and I'm scheduled to get one tonight because I can't miss anymore work. 

We keep on fighting, we keep pressing forward and we don't eat/consume what we shouldn't! :)

So as I curl up with my lovely almond milk and some dark chocolate, I hope you know I pray for you all.

Love, from me.

Tender Mercies

Five years ago this month was my time of darkness. I dived into my addiction.
I had discovered a website where people would scan in lots of written porn. Aka "Romance" novels. Ugh. That phrase.
Now I didn't have to go to bookstores or Walmart or thrift shops to find ways to feed my addiction... it was right there.

Every night I would stay up until 6am reading romance novels online. I would miss class, church, I didn't hang out with friends very often... I would go to afternoon classes and occasionally church activities, but mostly I would spend every night reading.

I remember I was having dinner with friends one night and I was two hours late, because I was reading novels online. Totally lied about it too.
No, I'm not going to tell you the website.

The wonderful thing about recovery? I don't recognize that person. Yes, I was that person, but I'm no longer that person!

One aspect I've struggled with is what I read...
As with most addictions, I had to read worse and worse stuff and oh my word there are lots of freaky written porn out there. I cannot believe what I read seeking that fix and the next high.

I finally sought help from my bishop. March will be 5 years since my first ARP meeting.
As I attended group this week, I thought of all this and also of how similar the last few months have been.
Being ill brought back a lot of anxiety and depression. A lot. This past week, I'm finally feeling better. Like coming out of darkness into light. The fight is back... I am finally working on Step 12. YAY!

I feel better! Not that life is suddenly easy. It doesn't seem so completely overwhelming and impossible.
I feel like I'm fighting again and have the strength to do it.
It's a wonderful feeling and reminds me of starting recovery. Love this program!

Tender Mercies

Five years ago this month was my time of darkness. I dived into my addiction.
I had discovered a website where people would scan in lots of written porn. Aka "Romance" novels. Ugh. That phrase.
Now I didn't have to go to bookstores or Walmart or thrift shops to find ways to feed my addiction... it was right there.

Every night I would stay up until 6am reading romance novels online. I would miss class, church, I didn't hang out with friends very often... I would go to afternoon classes and occasionally church activities, but mostly I would spend every night reading.

I remember I was having dinner with friends one night and I was two hours late, because I was reading novels online. Totally lied about it too.
No, I'm not going to tell you the website.

The wonderful thing about recovery? I don't recognize that person. Yes, I was that person, but I'm no longer that person!

One aspect I've struggled with is what I read...
As with most addictions, I had to read worse and worse stuff and oh my word there are lots of freaky written porn out there. I cannot believe what I read seeking that fix and the next high.

I finally sought help from my bishop. March will be 5 years since my first ARP meeting.
As I attended group this week, I thought of all this and also of how similar the last few months have been.
Being ill brought back a lot of anxiety and depression. A lot. This past week, I'm finally feeling better. Like coming out of darkness into light. The fight is back... I am finally working on Step 12. YAY!

I feel better! Not that life is suddenly easy. It doesn't seem so completely overwhelming and impossible.
I feel like I'm fighting again and have the strength to do it.
It's a wonderful feeling and reminds me of starting recovery. Love this program!

Tender Mercies

Five years ago this month was my time of darkness. I dived into my addiction.
I had discovered a website where people would scan in lots of written porn. Aka "Romance" novels. Ugh. That phrase.
Now I didn't have to go to bookstores or Walmart or thrift shops to find ways to feed my addiction... it was right there.

Every night I would stay up until 6am reading romance novels online. I would miss class, church, I didn't hang out with friends very often... I would go to afternoon classes and occasionally church activities, but mostly I would spend every night reading.

I remember I was having dinner with friends one night and I was two hours late, because I was reading novels online. Totally lied about it too.
No, I'm not going to tell you the website.

The wonderful thing about recovery? I don't recognize that person. Yes, I was that person, but I'm no longer that person!

One aspect I've struggled with is what I read...
As with most addictions, I had to read worse and worse stuff and oh my word there are lots of freaky written porn out there. I cannot believe what I read seeking that fix and the next high.

I finally sought help from my bishop. March will be 5 years since my first ARP meeting.
As I attended group this week, I thought of all this and also of how similar the last few months have been.
Being ill brought back a lot of anxiety and depression. A lot. This past week, I'm finally feeling better. Like coming out of darkness into light. The fight is back... I am finally working on Step 12. YAY!

I feel better! Not that life is suddenly easy. It doesn't seem so completely overwhelming and impossible.
I feel like I'm fighting again and have the strength to do it.
It's a wonderful feeling and reminds me of starting recovery. Love this program!