Defining pornography... for me.

A straight up warning... this contains trigger words.
So please read carefully!

My Oxford American Dictionary defines pornography as "printed or visual material containing the explicit description or display of sexual organs or activity, intended to stimulate erotic rather than aesthetic or emotional feelings."
Wow. I really like that definition. Printed material! Not just pictures.

I think a lot of people only think of porn as imagery. Not written, but visual.
After I started recovery, I started to do some research into written porn (as I call it), because, well I felt a little alone. Most porn addicts are visually oriented. Other women read these books and didn't seem to have a problem. I really worried that it might be an addiction to reading (why couldn't it be an addiction reading the Book of Mormon?). Then I found this Ensign article: Addicted to Romance Novels?
It was so wonderful to read that I wasn't alone! Other people struggled with this. It is possible to be addicted to books.

I've been reading He Restoreth My Soul again and Dr Hilton gets right down to brass tacks in regards to addiction:
"Addiction is simply a repetitive behavior which damages the person and others in his/her life and which the person is unable to stop." That is true. I would stay up all night reading these books. I could not stop.

He goes on to quote Elder Neal A Maxwell, who said "I believe that sin is a special form of insanity, that reflects a kind of 'blackout' in which we either lack perspective about the consequences of our thoughts, words, and actions, or we lose it temporarily."

I knew that by staying up all night I would not make it to class or church. I knew that taking four hours to grocery shop (most of it spent reading) was not healthy. But I could not stop. I reasoned I would just not sleep. Or only sleep for a couple hours. This never happened. I would try this every hour during the night. (Actually I don't remember much about this dark month. I literally have blacked it out.)

So I just stop reading romance novels and I'm good, right?
Ummm, not quite.
My addiction isn't just books.

For me, it's words. Yes, words.
So even some recovery literature can trigger me. Because my brain pictures it and gets excited...
It knows what those words mean.
I have to monitor what I read.

Books, magazines, internet, etc. Even the scriptures (oh, the Old Testament).

I haven't ever looked at a porn website (except once and that was by accident and ... ewww.) Yet I still have to monitor what I watch. I can be triggered by images.

I was addicted to "romance" novels.
Blech. I hate that name because the situations in those books are the antithesis of romance. They're erotica. They are sex. It doesn't stimulate healthy emotions. Or even emotions. And I don't care how many articles say it's healthy for women to read this crap. IT'S NOT!!!!!

Why?
As the woman in the Ensign article states, "Like visual pornography, such literature presents a warped view of sexuality and is arousing and addictive."
Oh, yes it is!
What I read fueled my fantasies and I needed to read to get new fantasies. Those fantasies would eventually lead to masturbation. Relationships were difficult because I was expecting romance novel situations. I would create a fictional relationship in my head. I would pick some film actor to be my crush and create fantasies around him. (It's also why I usually avoid rom-coms like the plague. Blech.)

The books weren't the root of the problem.
For years, I would go through a cycle, I would realize that what I was reading wasn't healthy, so I would throw out those books (or burn them) and try to read better material.
I even remember attending a Sunday School class in my Singles branch on Pornography, and the Branch President read a quote by Elder Oaks on pornography (which I can't find now) defining pornography as anything that is titillating... and I thought, "What I'm reading is porn!" So I threw away the books, again. Only to buy more a few months later.
I could not stop!

It got so bad, I would spend hours in bookstores or grocery stores (even thrift stores), reading practically the whole book. Any book. I just picked one. Then I found that website and, well, it quickly escalated, leading me to "act out."

It was a vicious cycle that I wasn't even aware of, until I was a year into recovery. Oh, I wasn't reading those books anymore, but I was struggling to break out of my fantasy worlds. It wasn't until I started reading Andrew's book Rowboats and Marbles. (You can download his book for free.)
In it he talked about lust fantasies. Even if they are not "bad" (aka fantasizing about a conversation),  we have to look at the basis. Is lust there?
WOW. Blow my mind. That's what I was doing!

So I had to sacrifice certain songs and TV shows and films because I realized they triggered my fantasies. Which is another reason I don't celebrate sober dates; sober from which aspect of my addiction? The books, the fantasies, the TV shows, the internet? I'd have a lot of sober anniversaries.
I've only been able to let go of the fantasies with the constant aid and help of my Savior. He fixes what I cannot. He's done that with all aspects of my addiction.

So pornography for me is anything written to stimulate erotic feelings. And that, I think, is found in most literature today. Chick lit. Out. Oh, heck most adult fiction today has pornographic scenes in it.

Being in recovery means that I read a lot of Children's and Young Adult literature. Classics (although with caution). I don't browse magazines anymore, unless I want to read a specific article. The Ensign and church magazines being the obvious exception. :)
I tried to read People the other day and found myself skipping pages. It's junk for the mind and the photos just... yuck.

Still, even the authors I trust can let me down. I love Anne Perry (she's LDS but doesn't write LDS fiction), but her last 3 books dealt with Victorian child pornography rings. And she HAD to describe some things. Trigger for me. So I skipped to the end to find out who did it.
Gah.

I've pretty much cut out all PG-13 and above films, too.
Before I see a film or TV show, I'll see if it's been reviewed on Plugged In (since I don't dare read the Sexual Content section because of triggers, if it's too long, I skip the film). Also, I have to be careful of reading reviews of films/shows I don't intend to see... avoiding curiosity, idleness, etc.
Oh, they also review music and video games. So helpful!

For most books, I go to this website:
Book Reviews for Parents
Obvs they can't have ALL the books out there, but I can check it to see if I book I want to read is on there. Or I just ask. I've found most people will say if something is inappropriate.
Still, I struggle to find things to read. I want to read fiction about people my age!

I really should try to get over my dislike of LDS fiction. Sigh. I mean, like post Sam by Jack Weyland. Maybe I've just had some bad experiences. :)

So I'm not saying I never stay up all night reading (see? Really hoping it's not a reading addiction!), but if I do, it's because I love the story and the characters. Not because I need a fix.
When I read I have to ask myself why I'm reading it. Am I reading it for a fix? Curiosity? Idleness?
Is it triggering me? Do I need to stop?

This process has been hard. But oh has it been worth it!
Yes, sometimes I don't like having to put away a sex addiction recovery book or stop reading a blog because it's triggering me. Or suddenly have the memory of a porn book/scene I've read pop into my head! Sheesh, I hate that.

Still, I would rather have to read a thousand picture books than go back to where I was two years ago.

My Savior has healed me. I can give Him those memories and He takes them away.

I hope this has made sense. It's been hard to write. It's triggered me and brought back some unwelcome memories, but I need to be honest!
It's been a hard journey, but I am profoundly grateful that the Lord rescued me and healed me.
He will do it for you too.

I think it went well?

Met with the Bishop today.
I was nervous.
I had no idea what I was going to say!

I mean, going in to see my bishop for the very first time two years ago was, well, a cinch.
I told him what was going on. He told me that I had an addiction. I started recovery.
Okay, it wasn't easy. Still, I knew that I needed to see my bishop. I knew why.

I knew I needed to see my bishop this time.
But why? And what was I supposed to say?

I prayed. I was going to fast.
I decided I wanted breakfast.
I prayed.
I texted my friend to come be my support buddy.

I went to church. I was convinced he was watching me. Wondering what I wanted to see him about.
(Hello addict thinking! It's not all about me!)
I kept trying out different ways to start the conversation in my head.

Relief Society ended and I still had no idea what I was going to say.

I met my friend and made my way down to his office.
You may notice that bishops are fairly popular after church...
so I waited. The whole ward could have needed to meet with him first and I would have been cool with that.
The clerk asked me if I needed a temple recommend and I latched onto that like a drowning person on those round floaty things.
Yes!
But I could meet with a counselor then...
okay so yes, but could I still meet with the bishop?

Finally he was free. And... it went pear shaped.
First off was the temple recommend interview. Passed that.
I do love being able to say yes when he asks if I live the law of chastity!

Anyway, but the recommend part threw me off.
So the bishop handed me my recommend and then asked about me and I kinda blurted out that I'm a facilitator with ARP.
I may or may not have confessed my addiction.
At some point. I think.

So, as my friend said after, now I need to make an appointment for the real confession. :)

I told him how I'm struggling but not struggling.
He said he understood what I meant.
My bishop is a good man. He was sweet, kind, gentle, and understanding. No looks of shock.
He asked if I needed him to check up on me. He said we all have things we struggle with.
He gave me his cell number.

I could have stayed there longer, but I knew there were people waiting to see him.
So the plan is to make an appointment in a couple weeks for the "real" confession.
See how I'm doing with Step 10 at that point.

Well, it didn't go as planned, as much as I "planned," but I feel better.
It was completely a Stacey experience. :)
Slightly odd and with great chance of needing to be redone.
Thank heavens for second chances.

Then I read this...

I thought I had posted this!
Well, before Wednesday night.., when I was dealing with the fallout from Tuesday, plus new stresses...
I decided to read some blogs from the Recovery Site
and I read this by Life of Courage:

My Life Takes Courage

Thank you for those words, Courage!
I got out of bed today. That took courage.

I love having the blog community, because it helps to know that I'm not alone.
And some days there are just the right words when I needed them.

Good vs Better on Wednesday night?

Last night was my ward's monthly Relief Society Activity...
Homemaking... Enrichment... whatever they call it now.
It was a dinner and I wanted to go.
It was early enough I figured I could eat and leave in time to at least catch the sharing portion of PASG.
I haven't missed a PASG meeting in a while.
Well, I missed the whole meeting. Darn Relief Society!
Talk, talk, talk. :) Eat, laugh, repeat.

I've felt a little triggery today. I'm not sure it's solely because I missed PASG.
It's not like I'm stressed about, you know, LIFE.
Cat still missing. Work. Taking care of family.
Trying to be a good daughter.

I don't regret going last night.
I LOVE my ward. They are awesome!
And they have RS meetings on Wednesday nights. So I usually miss them, but I thought... one day a month to spend time with the cool women in my ward... Plus, there was food!
(suuuuuch good food)

Last night was so much fun!
There are women who've been in the ward since I was, so they've known me forever.
There are women that I've only known for a little bit and I love them.
I chatted with all of them (well, not ALL of them, but I chatted with a lot) and heard cool stories and talked about my life. It's amazing how someone asking you how you're doing makes you feel so good!
One day a girl in PASG asked me if I felt out of place in Relief Society because everyone seems so perfect.
I have in the past (isolation is part of addiction), but not recently.
I really feel at home in this ward.
I know that these women have their own struggles and temptations.

We don't know what another person is going through.
Each person is unique and beautiful.
Recovery has taught me that.

It wasn't as spiritual as a PASG meeting, but I am glad I went last night. I left feeling so loved and happy at being able to give love back.
Plus, the food was delicious!

Tuesdays... grrrr

Yesterday was.... gah and augh and rushed and ugh.
It was good too.

But mostly it was augh.
I had to drive my client a half hour away to get my paycheck (long story)...while trying to take care of a bunch of things.
Shopping. Training. Finding out there is tons of change coming.
I don't do well with change.
Stress.
Triggers.
Getting off work late, depositing my paycheck, and rushing to babysit, realizing I had groceries in the back of the car...
Not eating lunch until 4pm.
Dealing with whiny three year olds.
One who lost my cellphone...
Wandering the backyard looking for my cellphone.
Praying to find said cellphone and feeling like those prayers weren't answered.
Cooking dinner.
Missing the weekly meeting with the ARP missionaries...
Not being able to call DI... again!
Worrying about my cat that has been gone for 3 days.
I just kept telling the Lord, I am frustrated.
I am tired.
But I found the cellphone (apology prayer to Heavenly Father for all the muttering I was doing earlier).
And I spent a couple hours with my family.
Then I got upset because Walmart didn't have the brand of mouthwash I used to have
in the UK...
So I came home and went for a run.
I am not in shape, so I walked for most of it, but it was so much better than curling up in front of the TV and trying (and probably failing) to find something to watch.

I felt better. Curled up with my other cat.
Read the scriptures in the Study & Understanding section of Step 2.
Talked to Heavenly Father for a while.
I don't feel today was entirely successful as a Step 10, but I did most of what was on my to-do list.
Plus, spending time with my family and talking with a friend.
It wasn't all bad!
It just felt like it. ;)

I'm struggling. Not necessarily with my addiction... but with my character weaknesses.
With a trial I was really hoping would be over by now.
With the panicky feelings that come along with change or the idea of change.
(So I have panic attacks with change in my life... so much fun!)
I worry, I stress, I try to let go and let God and I do, but then Tuesdays happen and I try not to let
days like this overwhelm me.
Try to be grateful for lots of things every day.

Hugs always help too.
And cats.

Hodgepodge

I love the word hodgepodge and this is probably what this entry is going to be.

It's been an interesting weekend.
Still not working daily on Step 10. I'm doing it today, as soon as I write this blog.
I promise! I even wrote it down!

This last Friday was a very emotionally hard day for me. I had training in the morning
and then had to take a test to be certified. Heavenly Father definitely helped me because I had about 10 minutes to study. Still, it was stressful.
Then I had work. Which turned out to be very emotionally trying.
I can't got into details, because of the nature of my job, but I was left bruised and scuffed emotionally and physically.
I had my ipod on in the car and I cried as certain songs played.
It was just too much.
(I have made progress. I used to cry every single day. Song on the radio, tv commercial, etc... and I'd lose it.)
And then I was reminded rather sharply of a huge change that is coming soon.

Even more tears. This wasn't a bad thing. I had an overwhelming day.
Instead of trying to numb (okay, I did have some chocolate), I talked to my family and to my Heavenly Father. The talk wasn't profound, it was a simple, "Today was hard. I'm struggling right now with faith that this is Your plan."
So Saturday, I kept it simple (read: didn't do much, except a little service, playing with cats, and cleaning), even took a nap, and then we had Stake Conference.
It was a really good meeting and I took lots of notes. The theme was on sustaining the home and family with the priesthood. Wow. A couple talks were exactly what I needed to hear. Nothing specific, just a simple feeling of peace. That God is there.

Today was the same. One talk from a single sister in my stake was so... neat. I loved it. It was about accessing the power of the priesthood. Which I can do, even without a priesthood holder in my home.
I'll have to find my notes and post more later. After such a hard day, Stake Conference was a respite and a bulwark. Just what I needed.

Anyway, during the meeting I realized I could see the back of my bishop's head. Then I looked left and there was the Executive Secretary at the end of the row.
Hmm. I need to call him, I thought.
Then the Stake President got up and said he felt very strongly he needed to talk about the Law of Chastity.
God isn't very subtle sometimes!

So yes, I have called. I have made an appointment. Next week. Eeek! And he didn't ask any questions. I love my ward's Exec Secretary.

And tomorrow I'm calling my local Deseret Industries about the huge amount of romance novels they stock. Maybe you could pray they will be cool about getting rid of them.

Okay, now it's off to work on Step 10!
Happy Father's Day.

Meeting with the big B

I'm doing something brave this week, which is good because I've been putting it off for months.
My ward got a new Bishopric in, um, March.

As the new bishop got up, the Spirit told me that I needed to meet with him.
And it tells me that practically every Sunday.
But there's been General Conference and a Family Reunion or I've had to work... excuses, excuses.
I had written reminders to call and make an appointment, but it didn't happen. 
Then Sunday (much like my Step 9. Remind me to blog about that someday), it was rather...
unavoidable.

The Spirit would not leave me alone. The Bishop got up to talk and it was like a constant litany in my head. Make an appointment. You need to tell him. Call this week.
I had tithing to turn in, so I went up front. "If he's free, I'll ask if I can talk with him after church." He was just coming off the stand and taking tithing envelopes, so I handed it to the first counselor...
So close!

Okay, I tried to call yesterday and the Executive Secretary didn't return my call. I will try again tomorrow.

I'm very nervous. Luckily, a very dear friend has offered to come with me. You know moral support so I don't run away. ;)
I'm trying to analyze why I'm nervous and a little scared.
I don't think I'm afraid of being judged. I think, maybe... maybe it is just fear.
Confessing this is not an easy thing.

When I first started recovery, I did use my bishop a lot, but not every single week. He never asked me to text him when I was struggling or call anytime. I think he, and I, figured that K, my amazing support person, would do that.
So when I prepared to come home, K mentioned talking with my Bishop and I thought about it and never did... until I put in my application to be a facilitator. You have to meet with your bishop for that.
I still remember to this day the shock on his face when I told him. Not a shock of... judgement, but more like a what-do-i-do-now shock. And then the poor man started babbling about urges and how this addiction is hard because of those urges. I smiled.
And we didn't meet specifically about this again. Now, this bishop was very supportive. He asked how I was whenever he saw me, at tithing settlement for example. He wholeheartedly let the ARP missionaries do their presentation in our ward one Sunday. (Love those. Have you had one? No? Tell your bishop you want one.)

I'm wondering why I've felt such an impression to meet with this bishop. I don't know him well. I am very impressed with him as bishop. I feel the love he has for the ward members, including me.

Pray for me! Pray I'll get the secretary's answering machine at least. It might be more reliable than a 10 year old.

Step 10 and Step 3, again.

This will be a quick one as it's late and I have to be to work early.

So I've been on Step 10 for... a while now. A couple months... why is a whole other blog post.

Anyway, part of the problem is Step 3. I still struggle with trusting God.
In Step 3 the manual states that we kept taking our trust away and giving it back?
Still doing it!
I'm fine with trust regarding my addiction. I'm very willing and able to turn that over to Heavenly Father.
I just hoard everything else.
"I'm fine, Heavenly Father. I got this! You take care of my addiction. I can handle the rest."
He doesn't work that way.

Fortunately, God has not given up on me. (A whole other blog post).

Anyway, one of those reasons is my job. I work a minimum wage job that tests and tries and triggers me a lot.
I've wanted to quit from day two.
And God won't let me. I mean, okay, I could just quit. But no income and tons of debt = stupid move.
So I figure this is my Joseph in Egypt moment.
Yes, Joseph did say to his brethren, after he was king, rich, and had forgiven them for the whole "selling him into slavery" thing, that it was God's plan and so it was all good, but I wonder about him earlier.
Genesis doesn't say much about Joseph's feelings before that.

Betrayed and in jail for being righteous, Joseph interprets the dreams of the Pharaoh's butler and baker. He asks the butler for help. Joseph asks the butler to remember him to Pharaoh. After all, I imagine, surely, since Joseph interpreted these dreams with God's help... here's his chance to be free. God provided this! So the baker meets his untimely end and the butler gets his job back, and promptly forgets Joseph.

The next chapter, Genesis 41:1 starts out with this:
And it came to pass at the end of two full years, that Pharaoh dreamed: and, behold, he stood by the river.

Two. Full. Years. What did Joseph do during those two years? Did he pray and hope and ask God why? Maybe.
I wonder what it was like, because that's how I feel at various times.
Take tonight. I was called in the late evening and asked to come in and help out. So, I figured, I could use the extra hours. More money!
And I got there, not very happy (yes, I am aware that I could have said no. See more money comment above) to find no one there. And I quickly got mad.
"I hate this" I started murmuring and that led to more murmuring. Muttering while I vacuumed.

Finally, after about 10 minutes of this, I stopped and started talking to the Lord. I asked for forgiveness and I started reciting the Serenity Prayer. (Silently) "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference." Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

My attitude changed and I was able to help with a better attitude and a lighter heart. I could see the blessings in what I was doing.

I wonder if Joseph of Egypt went through these moments. The Joseph Smith in Liberty Jail moments where you say, "Okay, Heavenly Father. How much longer do I have to do this? I think I've learned what I need to learn. May I move on, please?"
Because this doesn't feel like a small moment to me.
For Joseph of Egypt it was two years more in a jail he didn't deserve to be in.

So yet again, it is giving trust back to Heavenly Father and asking for help and strength to make better choices tomorrow. For wisdom and gratitude and the ability to recognize His hand in my life.

"For how could we hope to see His face, who never could see His hand?" - "The Power of God," From Cumorah's Hill

I love this song. It's one of my dailies. I still listen to it. 
(so much for a short blog entry. :P)

Hello.

My name is Stacey (you: Hi Stacey!) and I am a recovering addict.
I wanted to start a blog because I feel that my particular addiction (written porn) is one that
isn't "considered" pornography. Yet it can become an addiction! I'm proof.
I will be doing a blog entry on what I consider written porn and how I struggle with it. (Hopefully soon)

So here is the interview I did for Sid's blog "By the Light of Grace"
http://www.bythelightofgrace.com/2013/02/the-interviews-stacey.html

Read it, get to know me, and stay tuned for more!

I hope you find help and comfort here.
You are not alone!