Defining pornography... for me.

A straight up warning... this contains trigger words.
So please read carefully!

My Oxford American Dictionary defines pornography as "printed or visual material containing the explicit description or display of sexual organs or activity, intended to stimulate erotic rather than aesthetic or emotional feelings."
Wow. I really like that definition. Printed material! Not just pictures.

I think a lot of people only think of porn as imagery. Not written, but visual.
After I started recovery, I started to do some research into written porn (as I call it), because, well I felt a little alone. Most porn addicts are visually oriented. Other women read these books and didn't seem to have a problem. I really worried that it might be an addiction to reading (why couldn't it be an addiction reading the Book of Mormon?). Then I found this Ensign article: Addicted to Romance Novels?
It was so wonderful to read that I wasn't alone! Other people struggled with this. It is possible to be addicted to books.

I've been reading He Restoreth My Soul again and Dr Hilton gets right down to brass tacks in regards to addiction:
"Addiction is simply a repetitive behavior which damages the person and others in his/her life and which the person is unable to stop." That is true. I would stay up all night reading these books. I could not stop.

He goes on to quote Elder Neal A Maxwell, who said "I believe that sin is a special form of insanity, that reflects a kind of 'blackout' in which we either lack perspective about the consequences of our thoughts, words, and actions, or we lose it temporarily."

I knew that by staying up all night I would not make it to class or church. I knew that taking four hours to grocery shop (most of it spent reading) was not healthy. But I could not stop. I reasoned I would just not sleep. Or only sleep for a couple hours. This never happened. I would try this every hour during the night. (Actually I don't remember much about this dark month. I literally have blacked it out.)

So I just stop reading romance novels and I'm good, right?
Ummm, not quite.
My addiction isn't just books.

For me, it's words. Yes, words.
So even some recovery literature can trigger me. Because my brain pictures it and gets excited...
It knows what those words mean.
I have to monitor what I read.

Books, magazines, internet, etc. Even the scriptures (oh, the Old Testament).

I haven't ever looked at a porn website (except once and that was by accident and ... ewww.) Yet I still have to monitor what I watch. I can be triggered by images.

I was addicted to "romance" novels.
Blech. I hate that name because the situations in those books are the antithesis of romance. They're erotica. They are sex. It doesn't stimulate healthy emotions. Or even emotions. And I don't care how many articles say it's healthy for women to read this crap. IT'S NOT!!!!!

Why?
As the woman in the Ensign article states, "Like visual pornography, such literature presents a warped view of sexuality and is arousing and addictive."
Oh, yes it is!
What I read fueled my fantasies and I needed to read to get new fantasies. Those fantasies would eventually lead to masturbation. Relationships were difficult because I was expecting romance novel situations. I would create a fictional relationship in my head. I would pick some film actor to be my crush and create fantasies around him. (It's also why I usually avoid rom-coms like the plague. Blech.)

The books weren't the root of the problem.
For years, I would go through a cycle, I would realize that what I was reading wasn't healthy, so I would throw out those books (or burn them) and try to read better material.
I even remember attending a Sunday School class in my Singles branch on Pornography, and the Branch President read a quote by Elder Oaks on pornography (which I can't find now) defining pornography as anything that is titillating... and I thought, "What I'm reading is porn!" So I threw away the books, again. Only to buy more a few months later.
I could not stop!

It got so bad, I would spend hours in bookstores or grocery stores (even thrift stores), reading practically the whole book. Any book. I just picked one. Then I found that website and, well, it quickly escalated, leading me to "act out."

It was a vicious cycle that I wasn't even aware of, until I was a year into recovery. Oh, I wasn't reading those books anymore, but I was struggling to break out of my fantasy worlds. It wasn't until I started reading Andrew's book Rowboats and Marbles. (You can download his book for free.)
In it he talked about lust fantasies. Even if they are not "bad" (aka fantasizing about a conversation),  we have to look at the basis. Is lust there?
WOW. Blow my mind. That's what I was doing!

So I had to sacrifice certain songs and TV shows and films because I realized they triggered my fantasies. Which is another reason I don't celebrate sober dates; sober from which aspect of my addiction? The books, the fantasies, the TV shows, the internet? I'd have a lot of sober anniversaries.
I've only been able to let go of the fantasies with the constant aid and help of my Savior. He fixes what I cannot. He's done that with all aspects of my addiction.

So pornography for me is anything written to stimulate erotic feelings. And that, I think, is found in most literature today. Chick lit. Out. Oh, heck most adult fiction today has pornographic scenes in it.

Being in recovery means that I read a lot of Children's and Young Adult literature. Classics (although with caution). I don't browse magazines anymore, unless I want to read a specific article. The Ensign and church magazines being the obvious exception. :)
I tried to read People the other day and found myself skipping pages. It's junk for the mind and the photos just... yuck.

Still, even the authors I trust can let me down. I love Anne Perry (she's LDS but doesn't write LDS fiction), but her last 3 books dealt with Victorian child pornography rings. And she HAD to describe some things. Trigger for me. So I skipped to the end to find out who did it.
Gah.

I've pretty much cut out all PG-13 and above films, too.
Before I see a film or TV show, I'll see if it's been reviewed on Plugged In (since I don't dare read the Sexual Content section because of triggers, if it's too long, I skip the film). Also, I have to be careful of reading reviews of films/shows I don't intend to see... avoiding curiosity, idleness, etc.
Oh, they also review music and video games. So helpful!

For most books, I go to this website:
Book Reviews for Parents
Obvs they can't have ALL the books out there, but I can check it to see if I book I want to read is on there. Or I just ask. I've found most people will say if something is inappropriate.
Still, I struggle to find things to read. I want to read fiction about people my age!

I really should try to get over my dislike of LDS fiction. Sigh. I mean, like post Sam by Jack Weyland. Maybe I've just had some bad experiences. :)

So I'm not saying I never stay up all night reading (see? Really hoping it's not a reading addiction!), but if I do, it's because I love the story and the characters. Not because I need a fix.
When I read I have to ask myself why I'm reading it. Am I reading it for a fix? Curiosity? Idleness?
Is it triggering me? Do I need to stop?

This process has been hard. But oh has it been worth it!
Yes, sometimes I don't like having to put away a sex addiction recovery book or stop reading a blog because it's triggering me. Or suddenly have the memory of a porn book/scene I've read pop into my head! Sheesh, I hate that.

Still, I would rather have to read a thousand picture books than go back to where I was two years ago.

My Savior has healed me. I can give Him those memories and He takes them away.

I hope this has made sense. It's been hard to write. It's triggered me and brought back some unwelcome memories, but I need to be honest!
It's been a hard journey, but I am profoundly grateful that the Lord rescued me and healed me.
He will do it for you too.