Hi! I haven't posted in the last few weeks because, well... life.
I lost my job after only two months and struggled with being out of work again. There wasn't the cushion of money and, honestly, losing two jobs in five months is not great on the self-esteem.
So I went back to job hunting. It was hard and I struggled with anxiety and depression and triggers.
I was definitely having many Children of Israel "moments" where I worried that nothing good was coming.
But it has come! I have a job! A career that I am sure I will love. Interestingly enough, it came the week I've struggled very hard with my triggers.
It started with a British show that I had chosen not to watch when it aired last year, for various reasons, but was curious enough to rent it from my library before the new series aired... and it turns out I should have listened to that original prompting.
It wasn't a explicit show, in fact, it was actually tame, but I ended up watching six hours straight, staying up until 5am, which is not good to do the week before you start a new job, but what was unexpected was the longing that the main male character brought out in me. There were a lot of intense emotions.
The main character is played by a very beautiful man and the character in the story is a good guy too... stands up for the weak, etc. And suddenly I was dealing with feelings of passion and longing and desire that I had not felt in, well, over two years. My heart was broken and I realize now, that I shut down my heart and those natural desires. I am social, but I've avoided the local Single Adult group like it was infested with the plague. If God wanted me to meet someone, it was going to involve a high amount of Divine intervention.
Now here I was, early in the morning after spending six hours intensely involved in a tv show, feeling all these emotions and desires that were triggering and I was being triggered. I found myself looking up the actor, which used to be a prelude to indulging in my fantasy addiction. I stopped. Also, I've been triggering all week. As I was driving to Group this week, I realized that what I was feeling wasn't bad or wrong! These are natural feelings and emotions. It was how I needed to deal with them. Limerence, love, passion, desire... are normal! I had taken them and distorted them. Then, the big reveal happened... this was happening because Heavenly Father wants me to learn how to "bridle my passions" for a future relationship. (Not that I have any idea how far away this future is... it could be years)... so that revelation led to my realization that I had tampered all romantic emotions. Honestly, my first reaction was ugh. I do not feel at all ready or even willing for this. It brings up a lot of deep-seated fears about intimacy and marriage that I've struggled with for years. But I will soldier through. A friend in group sent me a couple great articles on this topic. I might share these later.
One of the hardest parts from this week was reading articles posted by a Mormon on sex and porn addictions being myths. That is a whole other blog post, which I hope to write soon. Still, with that temptation there... and the idea that it isn't a "real"addiction... that created a whole new issue and trigger.
BUT I resisted! Prayer helped a lot. I reached out to my Heavenly Father constantly. I look forward to learning more about myself and how to control my emotions and passions. Because what I feel isn't a sin! All this will be okay. I have my PASG group. I have my defenses and actions. I have my Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost cheering me on.
Sunday, September 18, 2016
Sunday, July 03, 2016
Sometimes it's too heavy
It was going to be a good weekend. I was planning on going home, but my mom started talking about traffic and not having a lot of time... I got the hint. So I stayed and went to group and then had a smoothie that had milk in it and turns out my plans for Saturday did not pan out, so I read a book and then decided to color my hair and do some chores and, as the night went on... I started feeling odd. So when I finally got in bed... the room started spinning, really horrible feeling, coupled with a massive panic attack... oh it was fun! I could sleep propped up, but I've been feeling worse as the day goes on.
Oh, and I scratched my face... you know, like babies do, with my own fingernail! I have a coldsore... it's just a million tiny things.
So today, I pulled myself enough together to go to Sacrament meeting, but I couldn't stay the whole time (at least I took the sacrament) and then... well, I just don't feel up to doing much. And it totally sucks!
The few people I've reached out to have not replied or even seemed to care. Which means I'm feeling very alone and a little lost and stressed.
Now, I know it's not just this. I realize that there are other stresses (like the fact that I don't have insurance and can't just go see a doctor today like I really, really want to) and money worries, etc and so forth.
I learned this through recovery. I learned to not just block the feelings, but to feel them. To ask why I'm feeling this way. That it's okay to feel these feelings. It's okay to be hurt and sad and angry. What is not okay is passively aggressively reacting and acting out to others. Even though I absolutely want to be that person right now.
And it will be okay. Maybe I just need to cry and cuddle my cats and listen to sad music and watch videos that make me cry.
In any type of recovery, we need down days.
Oh, and I scratched my face... you know, like babies do, with my own fingernail! I have a coldsore... it's just a million tiny things.
So today, I pulled myself enough together to go to Sacrament meeting, but I couldn't stay the whole time (at least I took the sacrament) and then... well, I just don't feel up to doing much. And it totally sucks!
The few people I've reached out to have not replied or even seemed to care. Which means I'm feeling very alone and a little lost and stressed.
Now, I know it's not just this. I realize that there are other stresses (like the fact that I don't have insurance and can't just go see a doctor today like I really, really want to) and money worries, etc and so forth.
I learned this through recovery. I learned to not just block the feelings, but to feel them. To ask why I'm feeling this way. That it's okay to feel these feelings. It's okay to be hurt and sad and angry. What is not okay is passively aggressively reacting and acting out to others. Even though I absolutely want to be that person right now.
And it will be okay. Maybe I just need to cry and cuddle my cats and listen to sad music and watch videos that make me cry.
In any type of recovery, we need down days.
Sunday, June 05, 2016
Thoughts and happenings (it's getting better)
In the past two weeks, I've forked out money for a cat that somehow got grass up his nose and then I severely injured my foot...
Money worries, cat worries, and a foot I can't use did not make the last couple weeks easier. The addition of some more rejection emails and a phone call did not help. Honestly, I felt very down.
I've been going to church, but, honestly, just because I know I should. I'm not paying attention or listening at lot. Which is not good, but I do not feel connected.
But that has changed.
I have a job! A real career like job that I think I will love doing. I am so excited about it. A great weight has been lifted! Plus, I had to turn down this other job that I really, really didn't want. That was a great feeling.
The Lord is truly blessing me.
I was thinking about it and realized that it was because I was working for it. And I learned this by working at recovery.
I thought of all the times, when I was an addict, that I knelt and prayed for forgiveness. I cried and I prayed and I did okay for a while, until I found myself in the same position again.
After starting recovery, I realized it was because I wasn't working toward change. Yes, I would sincerely repent, but I kept reading the same books (or, usually, skipping the bad parts for awhile), indulging in fantasy, watching certain scenes in films... and fueling my fantasy with music. I wasn't changing anything, but expecting different results.
Once I started working on recovery, sacrificing and replacing my addiction with healthier ways of coping, then I began to succeed in recovery! And I learned more. I realized that my fantasies were not innocent and gave those up. I gave up certain music (goodbye Maroon 5) and movies... and books!
And my addiction has gradually lost power over me. I am becoming a non-addict with risk factors!
So, when I lost my job.... I could have given in to my addiction (I've had several user dreams... ugh), which was a stronger voice than I anticipated, and just given up. Sat down and waited for the Lord to bless me. But, I found as I was turning myself to God, and working toward my goal of getting a job. I sent out so many applications... sooo many! I prayed, but I also worked on it. The results weren't instant, but they came.
Because God loves me. He loves you and He wants to help us succeed.
We just have to keep pressing forward and reaching for Him.
Money worries, cat worries, and a foot I can't use did not make the last couple weeks easier. The addition of some more rejection emails and a phone call did not help. Honestly, I felt very down.
I've been going to church, but, honestly, just because I know I should. I'm not paying attention or listening at lot. Which is not good, but I do not feel connected.
But that has changed.
I have a job! A real career like job that I think I will love doing. I am so excited about it. A great weight has been lifted! Plus, I had to turn down this other job that I really, really didn't want. That was a great feeling.
The Lord is truly blessing me.
I was thinking about it and realized that it was because I was working for it. And I learned this by working at recovery.
I thought of all the times, when I was an addict, that I knelt and prayed for forgiveness. I cried and I prayed and I did okay for a while, until I found myself in the same position again.
After starting recovery, I realized it was because I wasn't working toward change. Yes, I would sincerely repent, but I kept reading the same books (or, usually, skipping the bad parts for awhile), indulging in fantasy, watching certain scenes in films... and fueling my fantasy with music. I wasn't changing anything, but expecting different results.
Once I started working on recovery, sacrificing and replacing my addiction with healthier ways of coping, then I began to succeed in recovery! And I learned more. I realized that my fantasies were not innocent and gave those up. I gave up certain music (goodbye Maroon 5) and movies... and books!
And my addiction has gradually lost power over me. I am becoming a non-addict with risk factors!
So, when I lost my job.... I could have given in to my addiction (I've had several user dreams... ugh), which was a stronger voice than I anticipated, and just given up. Sat down and waited for the Lord to bless me. But, I found as I was turning myself to God, and working toward my goal of getting a job. I sent out so many applications... sooo many! I prayed, but I also worked on it. The results weren't instant, but they came.
Because God loves me. He loves you and He wants to help us succeed.
We just have to keep pressing forward and reaching for Him.
Sunday, May 22, 2016
Spring is finally here.
Last month I was fired from my job.
It sucks. It completely sucks and I am angry and upset and sad and mourning and lonely and depressed and more sad and then more angry. I have to drive past my former work at times, and I still picture it bursting into flames (no one is inside). It might be a while until I can move forward. ha ha ha.
And I am not stuffing these feelings. I'm FEELING them.
The first few days after it happened, I was surprised at how the longing for my addiction returned. It definitely wasn't as strong as it used to be... very weak, but still there. I could have given in. But I also knew it wasn't worth it. Yes, reading porn or indulging in fantasy would have eased the pain of being fired, but I know that, after that moment of high, then comes the crushing low. I didn't want that!
So I prayed. I cried. I wrote. I read books and listened to music. I refused to listen to the voice.
It's not been easy. My self worth and esteem tanked. I've felt lost, wondering why this had to happen. Not taking care of myself.
In my pornography group, PTW, (which I highly recommend), we talked about the journey from being an addict to becoming a non-addict.
I struggled with this, because the label of addict was freeing to me. It was an answer and a label that helped me recognize the problem and move forward in recovery. It was no longer a "bad habit."
However, our counselor talked about moving from addict to non-addict with risk factors.
I feel I'm getting there. Where I'm not an addict, but I do have risk factors to monitor and care for. Isn't that a great idea?
There are still hard days. Getting rejection letters every day, while psyching myself up for interviews only to get rejection letters is not fun. Plus, trying to get insurance... AUGH! It is hard. Very, very hard. I do want to run away.
Some days I still have to take a break and just relax. Count my blessings. Find a good moment. A "hand of God" moment.
Self care is important. I'm also working on actually attending the temple.
I'm holding on to hope that something better is coming. That God sees over and around and beyond the mountain in front of me.
It's been a long, long, hard winter, but I feel spring again. There are still wintry days, but I'm enjoying the sun more and more.
There is hope and happiness ahead.
It sucks. It completely sucks and I am angry and upset and sad and mourning and lonely and depressed and more sad and then more angry. I have to drive past my former work at times, and I still picture it bursting into flames (no one is inside). It might be a while until I can move forward. ha ha ha.
And I am not stuffing these feelings. I'm FEELING them.
The first few days after it happened, I was surprised at how the longing for my addiction returned. It definitely wasn't as strong as it used to be... very weak, but still there. I could have given in. But I also knew it wasn't worth it. Yes, reading porn or indulging in fantasy would have eased the pain of being fired, but I know that, after that moment of high, then comes the crushing low. I didn't want that!
So I prayed. I cried. I wrote. I read books and listened to music. I refused to listen to the voice.
It's not been easy. My self worth and esteem tanked. I've felt lost, wondering why this had to happen. Not taking care of myself.
In my pornography group, PTW, (which I highly recommend), we talked about the journey from being an addict to becoming a non-addict.
I struggled with this, because the label of addict was freeing to me. It was an answer and a label that helped me recognize the problem and move forward in recovery. It was no longer a "bad habit."
However, our counselor talked about moving from addict to non-addict with risk factors.
I feel I'm getting there. Where I'm not an addict, but I do have risk factors to monitor and care for. Isn't that a great idea?
There are still hard days. Getting rejection letters every day, while psyching myself up for interviews only to get rejection letters is not fun. Plus, trying to get insurance... AUGH! It is hard. Very, very hard. I do want to run away.
Some days I still have to take a break and just relax. Count my blessings. Find a good moment. A "hand of God" moment.
Self care is important. I'm also working on actually attending the temple.
I'm holding on to hope that something better is coming. That God sees over and around and beyond the mountain in front of me.
It's been a long, long, hard winter, but I feel spring again. There are still wintry days, but I'm enjoying the sun more and more.
There is hope and happiness ahead.
Sunday, March 27, 2016
What the heck?!
Life has been hard lately - which is par for the course.
I hope that I'm dealing with it better, learning to take care of myself and not use shame to berate myself for not being perfect every day. To be enough and see what I have accomplished every day.
Depression and addiction are daily battles.
So yesterday I spent some time with friends and treated myself to a new necklace.
I'm learning to bake and will attempt to make my own almond milk soon.
It's been a rough week, partly because of something unexpected that happened.
I'm attending a Pornography Treatment Workshop that LDS Family Services offers. I was hesitant because, well, I'm in recovery for 5 years and this seems more geared to those just introduced to recovery. My counselor and I thought it was a good idea to help me boost my recovery skills and help with my depression by learning new things and giving service to others.
I was just starting to feel that I was contributing and also gaining a lot from the weekly sessions.
Then...
Two things. 1) It's a joke that every new ARP Group I attend has someone I know there. My very first ARP Meeting started this. Since I moved down to UT, that hasn't been the case...
2) I've never felt a desire to reveal myself as a Sex addict. I have prayed about it, but I don't feel it's time. One reason is that I am more than my addiction and I don't think it would be beneficial to announce it. Although I'm sure people can figure it out. :) (that's not to say it isn't a good thing to do - it's just not right for me)
So I'm sitting in our class and we're about 15 minutes into it. We were discussing Elder Faust's talk on the Atonement from Oct 2001. A talk that gave me hope at a very dark time of my life. I'd messed up the night before (my euphemism for masturbation) and was feeling very unworthy and dirty and hopeless. His talk gave me hope. It's always held a special place in my heart. It only took 9 more years for me to start recovery! ha ha ha.
Anyway, I'd just shared this story when there was knock on the door. And in walked one of my coworkers. For an internship.
Honestly, I started censoring myself. It was funny in a small way, but I still felt... odd and uncomfortable. I knew it wasn't because I was afraid of this person tattling on me. She is not like that. It wasn't until I was texting a fellow PASG friend that I realized why... because it wasn't my choice. My addiction was revealed without my having the choice to reveal it. Also, and this is the biggest issue... this is not a fellow addict. In previous groups, I felt comfortable meeting people I knew because they were having the same struggles I was. But this co worker is an intern and now she knows one of my deepest struggles. Nothing's changed at work... She hasn't said anything about it. Very nice. But I'm still not entirely comfortable with her yet.
Sigh.
The cowardly part of me wants to never go back, but I will. Running away accomplishes so little.
Plus, the damage is already done. ;)
Finally, a very happy Easter to you all! I have spent a very nice day pretty much alone and it's actually been very nice. I'm also working on scheduling my days out. Today I have cooked dinner! It was very good. And now I'm going to index and then bed. I've had several user dreams lately and I know it's due to lack of sleep with the additional stress. That is on my to-do list too - get enough sleep!
Remember that you and I are not alone, because the Savior is there. He walked alone, so we don't have to now.
I hope that I'm dealing with it better, learning to take care of myself and not use shame to berate myself for not being perfect every day. To be enough and see what I have accomplished every day.
Depression and addiction are daily battles.
So yesterday I spent some time with friends and treated myself to a new necklace.
I'm learning to bake and will attempt to make my own almond milk soon.
It's been a rough week, partly because of something unexpected that happened.
I'm attending a Pornography Treatment Workshop that LDS Family Services offers. I was hesitant because, well, I'm in recovery for 5 years and this seems more geared to those just introduced to recovery. My counselor and I thought it was a good idea to help me boost my recovery skills and help with my depression by learning new things and giving service to others.
I was just starting to feel that I was contributing and also gaining a lot from the weekly sessions.
Then...
Two things. 1) It's a joke that every new ARP Group I attend has someone I know there. My very first ARP Meeting started this. Since I moved down to UT, that hasn't been the case...
2) I've never felt a desire to reveal myself as a Sex addict. I have prayed about it, but I don't feel it's time. One reason is that I am more than my addiction and I don't think it would be beneficial to announce it. Although I'm sure people can figure it out. :) (that's not to say it isn't a good thing to do - it's just not right for me)
So I'm sitting in our class and we're about 15 minutes into it. We were discussing Elder Faust's talk on the Atonement from Oct 2001. A talk that gave me hope at a very dark time of my life. I'd messed up the night before (my euphemism for masturbation) and was feeling very unworthy and dirty and hopeless. His talk gave me hope. It's always held a special place in my heart. It only took 9 more years for me to start recovery! ha ha ha.
Anyway, I'd just shared this story when there was knock on the door. And in walked one of my coworkers. For an internship.
Honestly, I started censoring myself. It was funny in a small way, but I still felt... odd and uncomfortable. I knew it wasn't because I was afraid of this person tattling on me. She is not like that. It wasn't until I was texting a fellow PASG friend that I realized why... because it wasn't my choice. My addiction was revealed without my having the choice to reveal it. Also, and this is the biggest issue... this is not a fellow addict. In previous groups, I felt comfortable meeting people I knew because they were having the same struggles I was. But this co worker is an intern and now she knows one of my deepest struggles. Nothing's changed at work... She hasn't said anything about it. Very nice. But I'm still not entirely comfortable with her yet.
Sigh.
The cowardly part of me wants to never go back, but I will. Running away accomplishes so little.
Plus, the damage is already done. ;)
Finally, a very happy Easter to you all! I have spent a very nice day pretty much alone and it's actually been very nice. I'm also working on scheduling my days out. Today I have cooked dinner! It was very good. And now I'm going to index and then bed. I've had several user dreams lately and I know it's due to lack of sleep with the additional stress. That is on my to-do list too - get enough sleep!
Remember that you and I are not alone, because the Savior is there. He walked alone, so we don't have to now.
Sunday, February 28, 2016
Recovery, anniversaries and stupid decisions
I saw this last year on Facebook post and I love it. It's TRUE!
I laugh and I nod, because I do make bad decisions.
Today I am definitely feeling the result of my stupid decisions.
Going through this illness, I've realized, is a lot like recovery. I'll get to that in a bit.
My 5th Anniversary of starting recovery is next month. I don't pay attention to dates and I wasn't keeping a journal at the time. Still working on consistent writing....
But February was my dark month five years ago and it was toward the end of February I made an appointment with my bishop... and now here I am.
I'm in a PTW group that meets once a week at the local LDS Family Services. Oh, my word, I love that place. My counselor is great and after only one week, I think I'm excited to see where the PTW group takes me. I feel I need to be reminded of where I've been and what I've learned.
Anyway, this week, I ate some food I shouldn't have, but I kept eating it because it was just so good. But instead of giving myself a break in between eating these foods, I ate them 3 days in a row. Just one meal, but it was a bad decision and this weekend I'm paying for it. I've been sleepy and sick and so, so panicky (hasn't that been so fun). I had all these things I planned to do and I've done nothing because I have to take time to recover. My body is forcing me to recover.
Which is a lot like my addiction was. I still have to avoid certain books and shows and music (though, honestly I don't think I'm missing much) because I know that they will trigger temptations and a desire to return "one more time." Because I do miss my fantasy world.
A lot has happened since my last blog post. Some big things have gone down at work and stressed me out and led me to question what the heck I'm doing and what the Lord wants from me.
I've had a couple lovely blessings and I'm scheduled to get one tonight because I can't miss anymore work.
We keep on fighting, we keep pressing forward and we don't eat/consume what we shouldn't! :)
So as I curl up with my lovely almond milk and some dark chocolate, I hope you know I pray for you all.
Love, from me.
Monday, February 08, 2016
Tender Mercies
Five years ago this month was my time of darkness. I dived into my addiction.
I had discovered a website where people would scan in lots of written porn. Aka "Romance" novels. Ugh. That phrase.
Now I didn't have to go to bookstores or Walmart or thrift shops to find ways to feed my addiction... it was right there.
Every night I would stay up until 6am reading romance novels online. I would miss class, church, I didn't hang out with friends very often... I would go to afternoon classes and occasionally church activities, but mostly I would spend every night reading.
I remember I was having dinner with friends one night and I was two hours late, because I was reading novels online. Totally lied about it too.
No, I'm not going to tell you the website.
The wonderful thing about recovery? I don't recognize that person. Yes, I was that person, but I'm no longer that person!
One aspect I've struggled with is what I read...
As with most addictions, I had to read worse and worse stuff and oh my word there are lots of freaky written porn out there. I cannot believe what I read seeking that fix and the next high.
I finally sought help from my bishop. March will be 5 years since my first ARP meeting.
As I attended group this week, I thought of all this and also of how similar the last few months have been.
Being ill brought back a lot of anxiety and depression. A lot. This past week, I'm finally feeling better. Like coming out of darkness into light. The fight is back... I am finally working on Step 12. YAY!
I feel better! Not that life is suddenly easy. It doesn't seem so completely overwhelming and impossible.
I feel like I'm fighting again and have the strength to do it.
It's a wonderful feeling and reminds me of starting recovery. Love this program!
I had discovered a website where people would scan in lots of written porn. Aka "Romance" novels. Ugh. That phrase.
Now I didn't have to go to bookstores or Walmart or thrift shops to find ways to feed my addiction... it was right there.
Every night I would stay up until 6am reading romance novels online. I would miss class, church, I didn't hang out with friends very often... I would go to afternoon classes and occasionally church activities, but mostly I would spend every night reading.
I remember I was having dinner with friends one night and I was two hours late, because I was reading novels online. Totally lied about it too.
No, I'm not going to tell you the website.
The wonderful thing about recovery? I don't recognize that person. Yes, I was that person, but I'm no longer that person!
One aspect I've struggled with is what I read...
As with most addictions, I had to read worse and worse stuff and oh my word there are lots of freaky written porn out there. I cannot believe what I read seeking that fix and the next high.
I finally sought help from my bishop. March will be 5 years since my first ARP meeting.
As I attended group this week, I thought of all this and also of how similar the last few months have been.
Being ill brought back a lot of anxiety and depression. A lot. This past week, I'm finally feeling better. Like coming out of darkness into light. The fight is back... I am finally working on Step 12. YAY!
I feel like I'm fighting again and have the strength to do it.
It's a wonderful feeling and reminds me of starting recovery. Love this program!
Tender Mercies
Five years ago this month was my time of darkness. I dived into my addiction.
I had discovered a website where people would scan in lots of written porn. Aka "Romance" novels. Ugh. That phrase.
Now I didn't have to go to bookstores or Walmart or thrift shops to find ways to feed my addiction... it was right there.
Every night I would stay up until 6am reading romance novels online. I would miss class, church, I didn't hang out with friends very often... I would go to afternoon classes and occasionally church activities, but mostly I would spend every night reading.
I remember I was having dinner with friends one night and I was two hours late, because I was reading novels online. Totally lied about it too.
No, I'm not going to tell you the website.
The wonderful thing about recovery? I don't recognize that person. Yes, I was that person, but I'm no longer that person!
One aspect I've struggled with is what I read...
As with most addictions, I had to read worse and worse stuff and oh my word there are lots of freaky written porn out there. I cannot believe what I read seeking that fix and the next high.
I finally sought help from my bishop. March will be 5 years since my first ARP meeting.
As I attended group this week, I thought of all this and also of how similar the last few months have been.
Being ill brought back a lot of anxiety and depression. A lot. This past week, I'm finally feeling better. Like coming out of darkness into light. The fight is back... I am finally working on Step 12. YAY!
I feel better! Not that life is suddenly easy. It doesn't seem so completely overwhelming and impossible.
I feel like I'm fighting again and have the strength to do it.
It's a wonderful feeling and reminds me of starting recovery. Love this program!
I had discovered a website where people would scan in lots of written porn. Aka "Romance" novels. Ugh. That phrase.
Now I didn't have to go to bookstores or Walmart or thrift shops to find ways to feed my addiction... it was right there.
Every night I would stay up until 6am reading romance novels online. I would miss class, church, I didn't hang out with friends very often... I would go to afternoon classes and occasionally church activities, but mostly I would spend every night reading.
I remember I was having dinner with friends one night and I was two hours late, because I was reading novels online. Totally lied about it too.
No, I'm not going to tell you the website.
The wonderful thing about recovery? I don't recognize that person. Yes, I was that person, but I'm no longer that person!
One aspect I've struggled with is what I read...
As with most addictions, I had to read worse and worse stuff and oh my word there are lots of freaky written porn out there. I cannot believe what I read seeking that fix and the next high.
I finally sought help from my bishop. March will be 5 years since my first ARP meeting.
As I attended group this week, I thought of all this and also of how similar the last few months have been.
Being ill brought back a lot of anxiety and depression. A lot. This past week, I'm finally feeling better. Like coming out of darkness into light. The fight is back... I am finally working on Step 12. YAY!
I feel like I'm fighting again and have the strength to do it.
It's a wonderful feeling and reminds me of starting recovery. Love this program!
Tender Mercies
Five years ago this month was my time of darkness. I dived into my addiction.
I had discovered a website where people would scan in lots of written porn. Aka "Romance" novels. Ugh. That phrase.
Now I didn't have to go to bookstores or Walmart or thrift shops to find ways to feed my addiction... it was right there.
Every night I would stay up until 6am reading romance novels online. I would miss class, church, I didn't hang out with friends very often... I would go to afternoon classes and occasionally church activities, but mostly I would spend every night reading.
I remember I was having dinner with friends one night and I was two hours late, because I was reading novels online. Totally lied about it too.
No, I'm not going to tell you the website.
The wonderful thing about recovery? I don't recognize that person. Yes, I was that person, but I'm no longer that person!
One aspect I've struggled with is what I read...
As with most addictions, I had to read worse and worse stuff and oh my word there are lots of freaky written porn out there. I cannot believe what I read seeking that fix and the next high.
I finally sought help from my bishop. March will be 5 years since my first ARP meeting.
As I attended group this week, I thought of all this and also of how similar the last few months have been.
Being ill brought back a lot of anxiety and depression. A lot. This past week, I'm finally feeling better. Like coming out of darkness into light. The fight is back... I am finally working on Step 12. YAY!
I feel better! Not that life is suddenly easy. It doesn't seem so completely overwhelming and impossible.
I feel like I'm fighting again and have the strength to do it.
It's a wonderful feeling and reminds me of starting recovery. Love this program!
I had discovered a website where people would scan in lots of written porn. Aka "Romance" novels. Ugh. That phrase.
Now I didn't have to go to bookstores or Walmart or thrift shops to find ways to feed my addiction... it was right there.
Every night I would stay up until 6am reading romance novels online. I would miss class, church, I didn't hang out with friends very often... I would go to afternoon classes and occasionally church activities, but mostly I would spend every night reading.
I remember I was having dinner with friends one night and I was two hours late, because I was reading novels online. Totally lied about it too.
No, I'm not going to tell you the website.
The wonderful thing about recovery? I don't recognize that person. Yes, I was that person, but I'm no longer that person!
One aspect I've struggled with is what I read...
As with most addictions, I had to read worse and worse stuff and oh my word there are lots of freaky written porn out there. I cannot believe what I read seeking that fix and the next high.
I finally sought help from my bishop. March will be 5 years since my first ARP meeting.
As I attended group this week, I thought of all this and also of how similar the last few months have been.
Being ill brought back a lot of anxiety and depression. A lot. This past week, I'm finally feeling better. Like coming out of darkness into light. The fight is back... I am finally working on Step 12. YAY!
I feel like I'm fighting again and have the strength to do it.
It's a wonderful feeling and reminds me of starting recovery. Love this program!
Thursday, January 28, 2016
Survival Mode
I started a post a few weeks ago, but never finished it.
Hi, I'm Stacey!
The past couple months have been horrible, and good, beautiful and ugly and hard.
I've started seeing a counselor and I love it. It's so helpful and nice to have someone who is honest with me. For bad and for good! I realized that I was expecting too much from myself, with my illness and my depression/anxiety. It's a process. Even if I only get one or two things done, I accomplished something! That is good.
A brief recap:
Coming back from Thanksgiving, I had a hard week. My counselor helped me figure out it was because dealing with my family is a trigger for me. That and I still can't eat much. Pumpkin pie with whip cream was a huge mistake.
That's been hard too. I've lost weight, but my depression and anxiety are still there. I can have panic attacks when I eat the wrong thing. Yes, I look good, but
This is very, very frustrating. I can tell because I have user dreams too. I actually had one where I was tempted to indulge in fantasy and I gave in. It felt so real! Ugh, this brain sometimes.
Christmas was good. Nice and relaxing.
I saw the new Star Wars and went to a nice Candlelight service with my landlady and her family.
But, all the stress of family and life wore on me. I missed a whole day of work because of it.
I couldn't meet with my counselor over Christmas.
We also visited my brother and his family, which was nice, but also tense and stressful.
Family can be triggers, my counselor helped me see that.
And then I picked up some illness from my nephews. It was so bad, I missed two days of work and finally went to see the doctor... who put me on antibiotics. yay.
Anxiety lies. Depression lies. Addiction lies.
I was feeling all three. A lot of lies.
I withdrew. I didn't go to church or activities. I missed group for about a month.
Looking back, I was majorly depressed.
Last week I decided to be social. I went to our RS Activity (that was so much fun) and group! I really needed group. We were on Step 6.
Honestly, I thought "Oh, no."
These past few months have been HARD! Emotionally, physically, mentally... all of those and more.
I struggle with feeling close to Heavenly Father and my Savior. I studied the Christmas Story, but I wasn't feeling the story. Does that make sense?
I was praying and studying and... I felt distant from my HF and Savior.
That night, as we read, I realized that I've been in Survival Mode.
Getting through the day is my goal.
And that's okay.
My counselor is helping me see that depression focuses on perfectionism. I have to clean my house all in one day.
I have to do Indexing, Family History, bake and cook, Visit Teach, Serve others, etc... RIGHT NOW!
That's not possible.
I'm a Work in Progress. A Masterpiece in Progress.
One day at a time. And if I only get one thing done... I got ONE thing done!
YAY!
I got sick again after the New Year and put back on antibiotics... that was nerve wracking.
So I'm watching very carefully what I eat and drink. Dang my low immune system.
Work is stressful and not fun right now, but I'm sticking it out because I'm hoping for blessings. I'm hoping for improvement. Pulling out of this funk and starting to feel like I'm living and not just survival mode.
Working in improving prayers. Remember Heavenly Father and my Savior every day. Praying to remember them when needed. Not just in bad times, but in good. I really need to work on the bad, though. I tend to forget them when I'm in the middle of a stressful or bad moment.
Right now, I'm going to bed early. Lots to do tomorrow and I need to get sleep.
I went to a fireside the other night and we sang my favorite hymn "Come Unto Jesus."
Come unto Jesus, ye heavy laden.
Careworn and fainting, by sin oppressed.
He'll safely guide you unto that haven
Where all who trust Him may rest.
Hi, I'm Stacey!
The past couple months have been horrible, and good, beautiful and ugly and hard.
I've started seeing a counselor and I love it. It's so helpful and nice to have someone who is honest with me. For bad and for good! I realized that I was expecting too much from myself, with my illness and my depression/anxiety. It's a process. Even if I only get one or two things done, I accomplished something! That is good.
A brief recap:
Coming back from Thanksgiving, I had a hard week. My counselor helped me figure out it was because dealing with my family is a trigger for me. That and I still can't eat much. Pumpkin pie with whip cream was a huge mistake.
That's been hard too. I've lost weight, but my depression and anxiety are still there. I can have panic attacks when I eat the wrong thing. Yes, I look good, but
This is very, very frustrating. I can tell because I have user dreams too. I actually had one where I was tempted to indulge in fantasy and I gave in. It felt so real! Ugh, this brain sometimes.
Christmas was good. Nice and relaxing.
I saw the new Star Wars and went to a nice Candlelight service with my landlady and her family.
But, all the stress of family and life wore on me. I missed a whole day of work because of it.
I couldn't meet with my counselor over Christmas.
We also visited my brother and his family, which was nice, but also tense and stressful.
Family can be triggers, my counselor helped me see that.
And then I picked up some illness from my nephews. It was so bad, I missed two days of work and finally went to see the doctor... who put me on antibiotics. yay.
Anxiety lies. Depression lies. Addiction lies.
I was feeling all three. A lot of lies.
I withdrew. I didn't go to church or activities. I missed group for about a month.
Looking back, I was majorly depressed.
Last week I decided to be social. I went to our RS Activity (that was so much fun) and group! I really needed group. We were on Step 6.
Honestly, I thought "Oh, no."
These past few months have been HARD! Emotionally, physically, mentally... all of those and more.
I struggle with feeling close to Heavenly Father and my Savior. I studied the Christmas Story, but I wasn't feeling the story. Does that make sense?
I was praying and studying and... I felt distant from my HF and Savior.
That night, as we read, I realized that I've been in Survival Mode.
Getting through the day is my goal.
And that's okay.
My counselor is helping me see that depression focuses on perfectionism. I have to clean my house all in one day.
I have to do Indexing, Family History, bake and cook, Visit Teach, Serve others, etc... RIGHT NOW!
That's not possible.
I'm a Work in Progress. A Masterpiece in Progress.
One day at a time. And if I only get one thing done... I got ONE thing done!
YAY!
I got sick again after the New Year and put back on antibiotics... that was nerve wracking.
So I'm watching very carefully what I eat and drink. Dang my low immune system.
Work is stressful and not fun right now, but I'm sticking it out because I'm hoping for blessings. I'm hoping for improvement. Pulling out of this funk and starting to feel like I'm living and not just survival mode.
Working in improving prayers. Remember Heavenly Father and my Savior every day. Praying to remember them when needed. Not just in bad times, but in good. I really need to work on the bad, though. I tend to forget them when I'm in the middle of a stressful or bad moment.
Right now, I'm going to bed early. Lots to do tomorrow and I need to get sleep.
I went to a fireside the other night and we sang my favorite hymn "Come Unto Jesus."
Come unto Jesus, ye heavy laden.
Careworn and fainting, by sin oppressed.
He'll safely guide you unto that haven
Where all who trust Him may rest.
Wishing you peace and love...
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