I'm working on Step 11 (I have 2 questions left in the Study and Understanding!). I'm praying.
But I feel... out of sync.
Sometimes, if I sit a certain way, pain starts in my chest and I, being the anxiety attack prone person I am, fear I'm having a heart attack. Which, of course, can bring on a panic attack. Fun.
Now my shoulders hurt, my neck, my back, and my chest.
A couple weeks ago, I slipped and fell at work. I thought I just hurt my ankle (my right ankle is always getting sprained. Poor weak thing), but then I found bruises on my legs, my head hurt and now, my shoulders, my lower back, and my legs hurt.
I think that aggravated an existing problem and now... I feel out of sync! It hurts to sit.
My eating habits are not the best (lately I've been eating those super size muffins). I crave sugar.
I just want to sleep all day.
Not to mention the aches and pains and the moments of RUN RUN NOW! panic attacks. I'm averaging about 1 a week. Maybe two. My panic attacks are a sense of impending doom with a fierce flight desire. Something I can't do in the middle of work. I breathe deeply.... a lot.
I can't sleep.
I'm not exercising.
And I hurt.
And I can't sleep.
Yesterday was especially hard. It started out great. I'm getting ready to move into my place. I was late, because of the whole can't sleep thing, but I felt good... and then I went to see a play. It's about a women who has never been loved and then she meets this guy who convinces her she's beautiful and it has a very happy ending. It was hard to watch.
There is a part of me that wants to be loved so badly. I ache sometimes with the longing to have someone, a man, in my life. Yet there is also that fear of being hurt, again. Or there's the fear of getting married and actually having sex and then that triggers a relapse. Even just the idea of kissing someone scares me, because I don't know how I would deal with that emotion. Most of my life, I've lived in a fantasy world, where I made myself feel those feelings. Sometimes, the idea of having to actually be kissed in the real world triggers me.
So I shut it down. I don't read romance novels, even "clean" ones. ha ha ha. Like there is a such a thing.
So this play brought up a lot of difficult, longing emotions.
So, I turned to the internet and googled "single LDS in mid 30s" hoping to find someone who was in a similar situation.
Don't do that, by the way. EVER.
I was seeking comfort, but I found a plethora of websites on the fringe of Mormon culture. I found the women who support the Ordain Women initiative, etc. Women and men who, I realized, want the world to revolve around them and use their singleness as an excuse. Some have even gone inactive.
Instead of solace, I got doubt. and I was tired enough to recognize that letting this much doubt in was not the solution. It would only make things worse. So I prayed.
Missing group Friday night did not help. I was exhausted and planned on going to bed early. And... couldn't sleep!
Today, as I hobbled around (my hips hurt too), I realized I wasn't taking care of all of me.
Step 10 (it's becoming my new Step 3. Step 10!!). I haven't been doing Step 10. I haven't been working the steps each day. And also...
The ARP Manual says
"As you plan your day, prayerfully examine your motives. Are you doing too much or too little? Are you taking care of your basic spiritual, emotional, and physical needs? Do you serve others?
Ask yourself these and other questions as you seek balance and serenity in your day. (pg. 59)"
Forehead slap. I'm not doing this! Any of this! I'm not exercising. I'm not eating healthy, good foods, without lots of sugar, chocolate and candy (and muffins). I'm praying morning and night, but I'm reading the scriptures for only a few minutes at night. Doing both of these things would help with the depression.
It may be my accident at work just aggravated the issue, but I know I'm out of sync. My depression is high. My panic attacks are really bad. I've been triggering a lot lately. And my body hurts. My heart hurts.
Even my spirit hurts. And there's so many triggers.
So it's time for some changes.
Today, I went for a walk and listened to Step 11 and watched the sun set. I watched the clouds change color, I listened to beautiful music. I'm writing in my blog.
Then I'm going to take a shower. I'm going to get some sleep (I'm going to bed extra early tonight and I will not fail! ;)
Then I'm going to see a chiropractor. And I'm going to exercise. Even if it's a 10 minute jog. Or a walk on my lunch break.
And I'm only going to have sweets on the weekend. Except I can have a hot cocoa if I really, really feel like I need chocolate. Work does not make this easy, though.
I am talking to my Heavenly Father. A lot. I am telling Him my fears and my hopes. I'm saying my needs. He's answering my prayers in good, small ways.
This all snuck up on me. I did not even realize how bad things were until this weekend.
Please don't think things are completely awful. I am not sitting around in my pjs eating extra large muffins and watching rom-coms instead of going to work.
I'm just struggling to not do that.
I go to church. I study my lesson. I pray. I pray to remember Heavenly Father and Jesus always. To remember that I can turn this over to Them. To remember to pray.
I'm coming up on my Four Year Anniversary of Starting Recovery. I've been thinking about me then. How I thought I would be fixed in 12 weeks. Ha ha ha ha ha.
But I wouldn't have this any other way. I am so blessed to be in recovery. No, I'm not perfect in it, but I can become better. It's worth the price to pay.
The last few months have been a lot to deal with! Big changes, broken hearts, job worries, stress at home, job worries, missing group. Without recovery, I've no doubt that I would be in the middle of my addiction. It's only by the grace and help of my Savior and Lord, by reaching out to Him, that I am where I am today. I'm not in a great place, but it's a worthy place. I can make it a great place. A place I know will take me closer to Him.
