Crushing: 10 questions (from Beggar's Daughter)

As I've referenced in the past, I struggle with having crushes on men/guys.
I've gone so far as to stop seeing shows with actors I've had huge crushes on, because in my addiction, that involved fantasy. Either TV or film.
My current crush, as mentioned, is a guy in my ward.
I've been freaking out a little because I don't want to go overboard, as I have in the past.

Then, through a series of happenstance (a link on Sid's blog) I was brought to Beggar's Daughter, a blog I really like. I don't read it as often as I would like (so I finally thought to subscribe), so I had a bit of catching up to do.

That's when I read her post on "Just a Little Crush or a Big Problem with Lust: 10 Questions to Ask"

So I wanted to share it because it is really helping me see how a crush on someone is normal, what is important is that I analyze my feelings to see what this crush is revealing about my emotional state.

Enjoy!

If only it would go...

Well, it's been four days since I gave up the books and the story.
I was hoping it would be... easier. Quicker.

Okay, to better explain how I'm feeling, I need to do some background. A few years ago I bought a video compilation by the LDS church, The Worth of Souls. It has a lot of older church films on it, like Pioneers in Petticoats, Johnny Lingo (which was the whole reason I bought it. I LOVE Johnny Lingo. Huge crush on that man. Who doesn't want to be an 8 cow woman?), and that horribly sad movie The Mailbox about the old woman whose children never write her and then she dies. Wow.
Anyway, one of the films is Uncle Ben, which has this girl graduating from BYU tell her professor about her uncle who raised her. He was an alcoholic when their mother was still alive. Well one morning the kids wake up to find the mom dead (Man, these church films were scarring) and Uncle Ben is the only living relative. So he has to sober up or the kids will be separated and sent to orphanages. And he does. He just pushes the bottle away, prays, asks the judge for temporary custody and never drinks again.
So at graduation the girl's professor asks Uncle Ben how he quit drinking and Uncle Ben says that he kneeled and asked the Lord for help and... that's it. The Lord healed him.

I tell this story partly because I'm feeling cheeky today and partly because I think of that story a lot when I want an instant healing. I thought of it when I first started recovery and struggled with my thoughts and desires and triggers. Why couldn't I have an Uncle Ben experience? Where was my instant fix moment? Why didn't I deserve that blessing? (The answer is: I don't know. :) I think of it now, because part of me was hoping that giving up this book series and story would well, be the end of it. Instant fix. Out of sight. Out of mind. No more triggers. No sense of loss.
Instead, it's still there. I still think of the book and story every day. There is still a pang of loss when I do. Yesterday, flipping through a magazine in a waiting room, an ad for the book was there. Ugh.
Today, a coworker was reading and I looked over to see that it was my favorite book in the series. I had no idea until I looked over and saw what it was and instantly, the longing was there. What part was he at? I tried to justify taking a peek over his shoulder. Then came the memories of lines and scenes. I miss those books.
I resisted the temptation to pick up his book when he left the room. Instead, I pulled out a book that I had brought and read it. Then I read a conference talk.

I admit, I was hoping for instant blessings for this sacrifice. A Paul on the road to Damascus moment.
A moment where I know why I had to do this and bam I understand it all.
I think I'll be waiting a little longer for blessings and understanding.
Yesterday and today have been tough. Triggers. Triggers. Triggers.

Yesterday, I had this sudden, so completely inappropriate, phrase come into my mind that it shocked me. Then I was disgusted. Where the heck did that come from, brain? It took me a long time to get over that trigger. I finally had to pray to Heavenly Father and ask for forgiveness (because the thought wasn't going away) and give it to Him. It worked.
I was looking up a recap of a TV show's episode and triggered. Shouldn't have read that.
I'm not saying I'm angry. Frustrated is the accurate word.

I don't want words to trigger, but that's part of my addiction. It's vexing.
I love words! Vex. Hodgepodge. Otter. Words are amazing. Powerful.
And some of them trigger me. My brain reads a word and remembers what reading this word led to and  gets excited.
I'm not focusing on what I lost. I know that way would make it even harder to move forward. It could turn me bitter to the Lord.
Instead, I'm working on finding my way. This whole sacrifice has thrown me into a lot of turmoil. I wonder if my future plans are the wrong path.
Well, let's get through today and try to work Step 10.
The rest can wait until tomorrow.

Doctrine & Covenants 93:9
The light and the Redeemer of the world; the Spirit of truth, who came into the world, because the world was made by him, and in him was the life of men and the light of men.

Letting go

It is done!
Well, only partly. Standing at the counter of the used book store I realized I'd forgotten one of the books. Hey, there were quite a few, okay?

It was hard. The store is a distance away and I was planning to go on Monday. But today, I realized that I had to do it today. However, I got busy helping out a friend and time started slipping away. It was one of those days when it's 2pm and I realized that I hadn't brushed my teeth or gotten dressed. Changing pjs for sweat pants does not count.
I was going. So, I went out to the garage and grabbed all the books (forgetting the one small one). The temptation to open them was strong. Just read the ending again...  I was praying as I did took them out and put them in a bag, because I knew I couldn't do this on my own.
I put them in the back of my car. My mom tried to help me. She asked if I could maybe just keep the ones before the last book. But now I know what happens and that knowledge will trigger me. I can't keep any of the books. I also feel guilty, because my family loves them because of me. Still, I can't keep for them for other people. I felt that I needed to make this sacrifice of something that I loved very much. I wish I knew why.

On the way down I listened to conference and picked President Monson's talk, "We Never Walk Alone," from the last Relief Society broadcast, which I hadn't heard yet.

He says, "There will be times when you will walk a path strewn with thorns and marked by struggle. There may be times when you feel detached—even isolated—from the Giver of every good gift. You worry that you walk alone. Fear replaces faith."

Then he says, "We were not placed on this earth to walk alone. What an amazing source of power, of strength, and of comfort is available to each of us. He who knows us better than we know ourselves, He who sees the larger picture and who knows the end from the beginning, has assured us that He will be there for us to provide help if we but ask. We have the promise: “Pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good."

That's when I started to cry. Because I knew what I was doing was good, but it still didn't feel like a good thing.

I thought of stopping off at another store, but realized that was a delaying tactic and went right to the bookstore.

Then it got harder. 

As I put the books on the counter, the employee saw them and started to gush. Didn't I just love this author? Wasn't he such a great writer? What did I think about his other books? (Which I'm thinking I may give up too as I'm a little peeved at the author right now). Then he started telling me about a short story related to these books that the author had written.

I was saying a silent prayer for him to shut up.

That's when I realized I'd left the one book home. Gah.

I mentioned it and the guy said if I brought it back to him personally, he'd pay me for it. But that means another trip. Could really have used a prompting on that one, Heavenly Father.

Still, I'm going to do it.

With the money I got, I bought two books. That required going to another bookstore and it was hard and triggery because 1) both bookstores have Romance sections (one has a "clean romance" section, which makes me laugh) and I can't even look at the covers. They don't hide it by the science section, darn it. 

2) The book that started all this was EVERYWHERE. I saw it at least 3 times and I wanted to punch something. It hurt. Plus, there were all these stupid vampire/paranormal books, which I already know I can't read. But I was already feeling triggery so even seeing the covers was a trigger. Grrr. Sometimes I wish I could take a flame thrower to sections of bookstores.

However, I found the book I wanted and the price was less than I expected, so I had money left! I felt that was a tender mercy.

On the way home, I started thinking, listening to Christian radio and trying (and failing) to not think about the books that I just sold. Remembering lines or seeng something on the side of the road that reminded me of a scene in the book. I tried to distract myself. That's when I realized that I needed to give up something else. See, I like to write poems and stories. In my addiction, I would write romance novels in the guise of doing them "clean," but it was just to feed my addiction. When I started recovery, I got rid of most of the documents. I did a cleaning again when I realized that fantasies were part of my addiction. Still, I'd kept a couple stories that weren't "romance" novels, but just story ideas. One of them I've been working on for years and I was using that story to escape thinking about the books. Then driving home in the car, I started thinking about it, and I realized that I needed to give it up. It wasn't healthy. It was a distraction.

Now, this was hard! Because I've worked on this story for a long time!

I found myself justifying keeping the documents. I'd worked so hard on them! I had pages written. Yet, I knew it wasn't what God wanted. I prayed (hoping to get a yes answer. As in, yes, keep them). Then I realized that was my answer. I came home, went to my laptop, opened it and found all the files and deleted them. They were in multiple locations.

I put some in my laptop's trash and tried to empty it. One document won't let me delete it (seriously, Heavenly Father?). It's in use! What?

So I'm trying to figure this out. How to delete it. I don't see this a sign from God to keep them.

Anyway, I did it!

In a curious series of tender mercies, after listening to President Monson's great talk, almost all the songs on the Christian radio stations today helped me and gave me strength. I have to be willing to give up my heart and life to Heavenly Father. These are part of my will, my agency. I still feel the loss of my hero, but I also feel peace. 

A few months ago I started having the feeling that October was going to be an important month. I was hoping for something along the lines of lots of money and a plane ticket to the UK. Sadly, that hasn't happened. Apparently it's making big sacrifices.

Someday I'll know why I had to give this up. My heart still hurts from the loss of a precious story. Maybe in the Millennium, I can have the edited text. ha ha ha.

Nothing is worth more than a relationship with Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost. They love us. I have to keep reminding myself so I can see the blessing these sacrifices bring. Because there will be blessings.

Sometimes sacrifices are hard.

The panic attacks aren't going away.

But they're not horrible. 

I'm getting sick of chicken noodle soup. Chicken Noodle is one of the few food items that doesn't turn my stomach. Soup is one of those rare things that soothe me, but I don't want to eat another bite of it for a while. Ugh.

I can eat other things, though! Progress. (chocolate doesn't nauseate me. That's one of the signs I'm having a panic attack, I don't want chocolate).

Today I came to a decision. I'm going to give up the series. It's breaking my heart. But I triggered majorly the other night trying to avoid thinking about the book. Isn't it funny how that works? It's like a breakup where everything reminds you of the ex. I can remember what I read really well. So many things every day remind me of the series. So I was trying to distract myself and started slipping into fantasy world.

Everyone has fantasies. We wonder what it would be like to be famous, etc. But, I just can't go there anymore. It's not healthy.

Sigh. So I stopped, but it was close.

After getting off work, I realized something. I can't do this anymore. This past week I've been obsessing over this series. I googled the book, wanting someone to validate my feelings. I talked it over with a co-worker. I talk it over with myself. I would flip flop. One day I'd tell myself I don't need to give it up. The next, I would trigger and have a panic attack (that's fun) and think, no I can't keep the books.

Then someone left a comment on my last blog post:

"If the series has become a trigger - you have to give it up. It's that simple. And it sucks, I know. I hate throwing stuff like that away. I grow to have feelings for them - and it's like I have to forsake those feelings.. but it just is. And the pain always lessens on the other side, because we become triumphant and the Lord blesses us for those small (yet huge) sacrifices."

See, I already knew this. But I needed someone to remind me that I already knew this.

I'm not tossing them, though. I'm selling them. There's a used bookstore that I can sell them to and buy a good book in return. I need the money and I don't see them as evil. I mean, if they were books by Danielle Steel, those babies would burn. But they are not. It's my own trigger.

It's been a hard week. I've really had to rely on Heavenly Father for help. I've been talking to Him. I think part of me is scared to sound less than formal to Him in prayer. This week, I've gestured while I pray (I gesture when I talk), I've begged for help. I've told Him how I feel and I've felt closer to Him. This is good. When I'm having panic attacks, I don't think that I can feel the Spirit. So I have to seek it out. Last night I went crazy downloading all these past conference talks that got lost when I changed laptops. They are talks that helped me so much during panic attack days and recovery days.

I wish I could say that the panic attacks went away, but they didn't. Still here. 

So I watch LDS Bible Videos. I read blogs on the LDS Addiction Recovery website. They help.

I just finished up reading all the scriptures under Jesus Christ, Mission of in the Topical Guide, which is listed in the footnotes of Alma 5:14-30. I'll have to post more about what I found. They've brought a lot of comfort. Isaiah 61:1 especially.

There have been bright spots in the dark days.

Wednesday night I was hurrying to PASG. It had been a rough day. I've had to take the afternoons off this week because of the panic attacks. It's been a nasty cycle, I can't sleep, so I have more panic attacks, so I'm nauseated, tired, and feel very frail. Then I come home to nap, can't sleep that night, and that leads to more panic attacks. 

Anyway, I was running late and a song came on the radio. Well, first I heard God's Great Dance floor, which I've blogged about before. It's a favorite. I got a little teary as I sang along. "You never give up on us. No matter how far we run. You'll never stop loving us."

I felt better.

Then a song came on that I hadn't heard before. It spoke to my heart.

It's called "Carry Me" by Josh Wilson. I love it because the lyrics describe me this week. This is how a panic attack feels. 

I try to catch my breath
It hasn't happened yet
I'm wide awake in the middle of the night scared to death
So I prayed God, would You make this stop
Father please hold on to me, You're all I've got

Carry me, carry me, carry me now
From my sinking sand to Your solid ground
The only way I'm ever gonna make it out
Is if You carry me, carry me, carry me now
God carry me, carry me, carry me now.
I wasn't able to finish the song, so today I looked it up.
Sorry about the skinny jeans in the video. No one should have to see that. ;)

Now I have another favorite song to help me through the dark days. A song with truth in it.

It's been a tender mercy for me.

A major sacrifice this week and I don't know if I have the strength to make it. I've made sacrifices before for recovery. Somehow, they didn't feel like that big of a sacrifice. This feels like a big one. It feels like I'm giving up a part of myself. Which maybe I am. Still, it's not worth it to hold onto. I've realized that I haven't been working Step 10. I need to get back to daily accountability. 

God is all I've got that I can truly rely on forever. I'd rather hold on to Him.

My Heavenly Father and Savior will carry me and help me to solid ground. They've done it before.

Seriously, we're doing this?

So I couldn't sleep last night, thinking about that stupid book.
I got up around midnight, took the whole series and put it in a box in the garage.
I felt better for a little bit, but whenever I tried to sleep, I would start thinking again. Triggering, remembering triggers, etc. So frustrating.
Finally, I put on my Conference talks playlist on my Ipod and fell asleep
listening to Elder Holland. I would wake up occasionally with the soothing voice of one of the apostles in my ear.

Then I woke up with a strong desire to not do anything. This is not good.
It's been there the whole day, a desire to go home and hide.
The last time I felt like this, it was the precursor to a huge panic attack (or daily ones) where I spent a month subsisting on soup, bread, and crackers while walking around with a feeling of doom all the time. While it's great for weight loss, the emotional toll was not worth it. Not being able to feel happiness or joy is not a good way to live. Plus, it's hard to feel the Spirit when I'm full of fear.
It's hard getting through the day with a sense of impending doom. It's hard making yourself do things, like stay at work, when all I want to do is curl up in bed and pretend the world doesn't exist.

I'm tired, I'm emotional, I feel like crying, my chest hurts and my stomach feels all twisted up, I just want to run away.
Then the panic attacks hit this afternoon. I can try to fight them, but that just makes them worse.
It's like being hit in the lungs with ice.

No idea what caused this. It could be lack of sleep, it could be I was so excited to get the book and it was such a let down. It's also the anniversary of when I left Scotland two years ago. Big emotional trigger there. It could be the triggers from the book. It could be all of that.
Augh.

I came home and had my home teacher give me a blessing. Which helped.
Now it's back.
Gah.

I don't know what to do about the books. I feel betrayed, like my best friend suddenly turned on me and  deliberately triggered my addiction. Which is silly, because this is a BOOK! Sigh. It still hurts. This series meant a lot to me. It's helped me through a lot in the past year. It was lovely and of good report. I thought it was safe. It's been so hard to find safe books.

Anyway, right now I'm focusing on moving past the panic attacks and then I can deal with the book/series. My mom thinks I should write the author. But I don't know how to say what I'm feeling and not come across as a bigot (plus, what good would it do).
And I'm angry. I'm mad that something I love is tainted in a way I may not be able to repair. I'm angry that I'm having panic attacks, that I'm going through this again. It's not fair.

Yet, I'm turning to Heavenly Father. I'm refusing to give in. So I may cry when I hear "Overcomer" by Mandisa. But I'll make it.

The arms that hold the universe are holding me tonight.

Heartsick.

Um. Hi.
I have no idea what to say, but I feel like I need to write.

It hasn't been a "great" week. No listening to conference talks every night, BUT I have been better at getting to bed at a good hour and somewhat better at getting up on time.
Until I set my alarm for PM instead of AM and was half an hour late to work.

There's something else going on that I can't go into details about yet. A book that I read from a series that I adore, triggered a really big emotional reaction that I'm still trying to analyze.
It was unexpected and left me, well, heartsick. It's triggered some memories and, anyway. I'm still not sure what I'm going to do.

As a result of the lack of sleep last night, I've been feeling very panicky, tired and heartsick. Not the best way to fast and try to teach a lesson. I know part of the problem is that in the darkest days of my addiction, I read material that was related to this. Let's just leave it at that.

Anyway, I've talked to Heavenly Father about this, more like a pleading cry for help. Like I said, this is totally unexpected. The panic attack feelings are not helping.

So I started reading For Times of Trouble by Elder Holland and watching church videos.
I'm feeling better.
I'm going to pray more about what to do (throw away the series, etc).
Anyway, life goes on.
Sorry if this is depressing.

What am I telling other people? It's not worth holding onto something that keeps you from the Lord.
Sounds like I need to take my own advice.

Technical difficulties... and life.

So last night, as I went to post this blog, my internet shut off. Yes, I was cutting it close.
I thought it hadn't posted at all, but apparently it did... with no text though.
Sorry for that.

Anyway...
It has been really rough week, after a really great weekend.
I got to spend some valuable time with my family last weekend. Listen to good music, partake of the sacrament, swim (I love water), and just relax.
I stayed up a little late writing in my journal one night. It was so nice to be "caught" doing that. I used to be on my computer all the time, up late at night, reading romance novels. I liked doing good things that I'm not ashamed of. And not being up all hours.
I didn't even bring my computer this time and spent the whole time offline. It was great.

Then I got to come back to work, money stresses, extreme exhaustion, panic attacks, emotional abuse and... life.
It's been rough. I'm not saying it's been entirely miserable. I love Tuesday nights, when I go to meetings with facilitators and other ARP missionaries. I feel such love there.
There was also a very cute, single (no ring), new facilitator there.
No no no no no.
I'm trying to look for the beauty and blessings of each day. To not see it as a horrible day because of one thing (or an entire shift at work).

I also love PASG meetings. I love new people coming to those meetings. I love feeling the Sprit (and it wasn't by chance this week's step was Hope).
Because I'm feeling a little hopeless.
Maybe it's post-family depression. Combined with worries about work, money, my future, my friends and family ... everything. And more homesickness about the UK. It hurts worse than I ever thought.
I'm coming up on two years since I left and I know this will be a difficult anniversary.
Oh, joy.

Not doing too well with the negative thoughts.
Yesterday was been Tenseness 101 at my house.
It started out with my mentioning an article debunking the story of the entire Martin Handcart Company being carried across the Sweetwater River by three 18 year olds. My mom kept asking questions that, to me, seemed to question why I was bothering with such a thing, if it was true, etc.

Actually, it started before that. Maybe because I didn't sense she wanted help with something and therefore, didn't suddenly appear to help.
And this starts me questioning my own experience. Am I justifying myself? Am I acting like an addict or am I being emotionally manipulated? Am I just being a jerk?
Now I did not react well. I got defensive. I was curt and a rude.
I don't like being that way. So I tend to be hard on myself.

So I spent most of the afternoon session of Conference upset, annoyed, and a little angry.
It didn't help that I was stretching my attention span. I was on Facebook, Twitter, texting a friend, and trying to take notes. I feel like I missed most of the messages. I got bits and pieces, but not the whole thing. Not the heart.
Then a friend messaged me and announced she had left the church. During Conference.
Gah.
So I wasn't feeling spiritual. I was feeling stressed and worried and sad.
Those feelings continued after conference.
So, I got up, went outside and worked in the garden and listened to my Dailies music until I calmed down. It worked, because I wasn't thinking snarky thoughts while listening. If I start thinking snarky, then I know my heart is not soft.
I'm feeling much better now.

I need to be active. I know I've been sitting waiting for God to tell me what to do. And I think now He's not going to help me if I just sit here.
So I'm accepting Tim's challenge to write down questions I have. I've done so. I said a brief prayer, as in "Okay, Heavenly Father, I'm doing this. I hope it works."
Another good thing this week is that I have worked on talking to Heavenly Father when I pray. Not merely reciting wants and needs or names of those I pray for, but telling him how I feel. What is going on, etc.

Well, since this didn't post... UPDATE!

Today, I had to work, but the whole point of work was to help my client watch conference.
I still missed parts of it, due to work and comings and goings and video games...
Alas, I was hoping for more concrete answers to my questions. Not quite President Monson getting up and saying "Stacey, this is what you should do" (although that would be nice), but, well, I didn't feel any Ah-ha moments. Moments where I felt I was receiving my answers. And I have felt that in the past. I do feel that I need to review all the sessions and talks this week with my questions in mind. Maybe one a night. What better way to spend my time?

I am so grateful for prophets, seers and revelators on the earth today. I am grateful for conference.
I am grateful for this ARP program and I am so privileged to be a member of this church.