A "whoa" moment.

Yesterday was hard.
I woke up from a user dream that felt so real, I worried that it was real. That I had slipped. I prayed.
User dreams. Ugh.
After praying, I felt that it was just a dream. But I still read the Ensign to recover while eating breakfast.
It was a nice day after that. Helped some friends, got to hold a baby, and no more triggers.

Then, last night, while I was cleaning my room, I decided to listen to some music.
I chose one labeled Favorite Songs.
However, I had forgot that this playlist was made quite a while ago, when I was still in fantasy world mode. Not all the songs, but I realized a few could trigger me. Still, I figured I would just get rid of those songs. So I hit play.
The first song popped up. It was a favorite one from a TV show I was obsessed with and had to sacrifice because, well, long story. Triggers. Fantasy world, etc.
So the photo displaying while the song played was from this show. Trigger. Okay, I deleted that video from the playlist... but I remember liking the song, so I found a different video of the song and it started playing.

A trigger wave.
That is the only way I can describe it.
The song is not bad. It's not dirty or suggestive. It's just a song. But I used it to fuel my fantasies regarding that TV show.
And my brain remembered.
Suddenly, wow, I could remember the exact fantasy I'd crafted to that song.
And then all the fantasies I'd created around that show were there. In my mind. Tugging and pulling for my attention.
More triggers.
Whoa.
I shut the computer and decided to run an errand.
More triggers in the car.
Maybe I should have prayed to Heavenly Father (maybe I was saying subconscious prayers). This was surreal! I felt such a pull toward the fantasies/addiction. A pull that I haven't felt in such a long time. At the same time, there was a desire to pull away from it.
I was fighting myself.
So I turned up the radio. It was already set to a Christian station.
The song that was playing I can't remember, but I felt peace fill my mind.
I sang out loud. I thanked Heavenly Father for good music. I asked for forgiveness for my thoughts.
By the time I got to my destination, I felt tons better. More Christian music on the way home.
When I got to my room, I deleted that song and all the songs that I realized would trigger me because of why I listened to them.
My playlist is now safe, I think. I will check again.
Saving that for tomorrow.

Today, though. Today felt great. I only got half the sacrament, but church was wonderful.
The testimonies and lessons were exactly what I needed to hear.

It's been a very spiritual day. I fasted and lasted until 6!
I've decided to start being consistent with my nightly routine and going to bed at a decent time (yet here I am at midnight writing on my blog. Sigh. Well, tomorrow is another day).

Today, I've listened to great music. I have a Christian Favs playlist on youtube so I put that on... although my. word. Youtube... what is up with the ads? I'm listening to music about Christ! Can't the ads match?

I also went to a ward sing along. I love the hymns!

Now I want to share a song that I really like. The past couple weeks, I've only caught the end of it, but I was curious. So today I looked up the whole song. LOVE it. It's a Christian song by Chris Tomlin.

I'm coming back to the start
where You found me
I'm coming back to Your heart
now I surrender
Take me
This is all I can bring

I'm coming back to the start
our God is freedom
and here we feel Your heart
Your heart beat for us
Take me
This is all I can bring

Chorus:
You'll never stop loving us
no matter how far we run
You'll never give up on us
all of heaven is shouting
let the future begin

I have no idea what God's great dance floor is, which is why the song caught my attention. Chris Tomlin relates it to the party the Prodigal Son's father threw for him and God's grace. He says God's grace is His great dance floor.
Still have no idea what that means. But, it's a cool image.
Plus, the video has a man in sombrero playing the trumpet. That is so cool!

They look like they are so happy. Even the security guard is dancing! This song brings me happiness. I cry when I listen to it. Yet it makes me want to dance.

Because of His grace, I am alive. I come alive.

Heavenly Father never gives up on us.