Warped Love

I have been working on this post since I started this blog.
I write a bit, delete it, try again, etc.

Then today I woke up ill so what better way to have time to finish the blog?
Since my other plans are a little hard to complete when you get dizzy standing up.

I hope this makes sense.

Basically, I have been on one date since I started recovery. I was one and a half hours late to that date because, well, I freaked out.
What if I did something? What if he tried to kiss me? What if I triggered?
They were all wild and crazy fears, but they were still there.
Big, huge waves of fear.
It went okay. Surprisingly, there was no follow up date. Go figure.

Anyway, I bring this up because I've developed a crush on a nice guy in my ward. This is my second one since recovery and I really don't like it.
My first crush was on a co-worker. It was horrible.

Why? Well, it's complicated. I suddenly realized that I had used fantasies to "create" a fictional relationship. I would create aspects of him that probably didn't exist. I would be further along in the relationship because I was fantasizing about us. I liked him, he must like me. He must feel the same way. Then I'd get angry when he didn't react the way I wanted him to react.
Reading through old journal entries about my last major relationship, I realized that I had done this.
Having this crush on my co-worker brought out a lot of it.
I didn't enjoy the experience.
I'm starting to figure out why. I'm trying to learn how to like a guy and not retreat into fantasy land.

And it's so complicated.
One part of it was my childhood.
I was abused as a child.

For years I didn't realize it.
It wasn't the Hollywood version, where I cowered in fear every night.
My dad wasn't a drug or alcohol addict. He wasn't horrible every single day.
I wasn't beaten and sent to school with bruises. I didn't have to lie about how I got them.
He was the Executive Secretary in our ward.

One day, when I was around 14, I was taking a Home-Ec class.
Our teacher (bless her forever) actually talked about the Cycle of Abuse.
In Mormon Central! (I grew up in a predominantly LDS community where this kind of thing wasn't talked about)
Here it is:

That was my childhood.

Growing up, I learned I wasn't good enough. Because, obviously, if I was good, my daddy wouldn't hurt me.
But my daddy did hurt me.
Therefore, it must be my fault. My child brain reasoned that it had to be my fault.
So I had to be good. I had to please people. If they were happy, then I would be happy. They wouldn't hurt me. I became a people pleaser. And I used my addiction to escape. I created fantasies about being strong. I created this ideal man who would never hurt me. The perfect man.
I told myself that if I could just have a boyfriend then I would be fine. When I did have a boyfriend (I have had only one), the addiction went away. So, I reasoned, I needed that love and support from a guy. I couldn't do it on my own. And because I was really good at fantasies, well, that bled into my
relationship with guys.
I created a fantasy man in every guy I liked.
A fantasy relationship. Etc.

The first step to realizing this was at university, when I began seeing a counselor about issues regarding my dad. At the time, I was obsessed with this guy. I would fantasize about him, have conversations with him, think about him all the time. If Facebook had been around then I definitely would have stalked him. Anyway, I worried it meant I was crazy. So she gave me this book on limerence and love.
Limerence is infatuation. It's more about you and less about object of your infatuation. You fantasize about your crush seeing you, watching you, talking to you. It's about what you have to do to make them fall in love with you. Sound familiar?

Limerence can grow into love. You have to work at overcoming limerence and allowing love to develop. To be more concerned about the person, instead of you.
The book really helped me see that I was normal. We all do this. The point of the book was overcoming limerence and allowing it to become love. But with my addiction, I let it go too far.

I was chin deep in my addiction at that point.
So I kept the fantasies.
Fueled by what I was reading.

Recently, I realized that abuse is warped love. But my dad wasn't the only contributor.
Written porn novels also present abusive relationships as normal and romantic.
Most "romance" books I read had the hero treat the girl horribly. Play with her emotions, scare her, stalk her, hurt her physically or emotionally, and then explain it all away by saying he loved her at the end. Oh, it was okay now.

Written porn is about the woman. How she is seen by the man. It's complete limerence, with pornography in there for added damage.
I never realized how this reading warped my perceptions. It warped my sense of healthy relationships and interactions.
I'm slowly replacing those issues with truth.

To honest, I am so happily single. For years I wanted to be married. I thought I could only be happy being married. I finally made peace with myself and who I am. I am in a good place.

Truthfully, I am scared to be married. Scared to have to confess my addiction to my significant other. Scared of relapses and triggers.

Then I remind myself that I don't need to freak out about something that isn't even a possibility yet.

We'll take it when it comes, me and God together.

So I'm watching what I read. I try to recognize unhealthy relationships in tv and movies and books.

I'm turning my triggers and temptations over to Heavenly Father.
Having faith He can heal what I cannot.
That I can be in a healthy dating/marital relationship one day.
Let's hope.