Happy New Year!

I started this blog post a few weeks ago and it was pretty bleak. 2016 has been hard. Add to that the deaths of Carrie Fisher, one of my heroes, and it really hit me hard.

I am so tired.
I've agreed to write a book for an editor friend and it's way overdue. I said I would get some chapters to them after Thanksgiving and I... am still working on it. But I need the money, because I have a two hour commute each day. It's less if I drive, but then I can't work on the book if I drive and driving stresses me out and uses up gas money.
I got massively ill the week of the election and spent the night of the election pacing my landlady's basement, having huge, massive anxiety attacks. So I missed two days of work at a job I just started. Then, because of the fallout from the election I got to go on anxiety meds which exhaust me.

So my typical day is barely making it to work on time (my boss is so, so understanding, but there's also that fear that they're not really and one day they'll just fire me like my last two jobs this year), working, barely seeing the sun, traveling home in the dark, and finally getting home after 10+ hours away from home.
My house is messy. I put up my Christmas tree a week before Christmas. A couple weeks before, I hurriedly put up a few decorations and my nativity, just to try and feel the Christmas spirit... it hasn't really worked. The holidays felt rushed, my anxiety is through the roof and I've been getting into political arguments on Facebook and was accused by a friend that I was calling her racist... so I think I've lost some friendships over that.
Spending 5 days with my family was great and nice and fun and horrible and lonely and so stressful.
Yesterday, I cried. It was New Year's Eve and no one called to invite me over. I realize how often we forget the single people in the church. I don't mean widows or widowers or divorcees... I mean me. Those of us who have never been married. Who have to sit through church hearing about how to raise a family, or how to apply this lesson to our kids.
I was lonely and stressed and I just wanted someone to reach out to let me know I was remembered. It was a friend from the UK who messaged me a sweet Scottish poem about the New year and I cried. I cried because I miss Scotland. I miss my friends there. The members of the church who did not let me fall through the cracks. Ugh. Honestly, I'm so tired of walking through this desert.

But it's a new year and, as one of my favorite songs, says "Yesterday's a closing door, you don't live there anymore" it's onward and upward. I've accepted that, barring angelic manifestation and possibly a heavenly sign, I'm alone for 2017. Oh, I'm avoiding Single Adult activities like the plague! It's rather like I'm daring Heavenly Father for a miracle. :)

I want to move closer to work, which I will start working on once the dang book is finished.
I will to exercise daily, even if it's only 10 minutes on the thingy in the basement.
In other good news, I'm seeing a counselor for free this week. I do love my job.
I worry that I'm sabotaging myself, but I'm also asking for Heavenly Father's help. I feel hopeful for 2017. It will be hard to leave where I live now, but I also feel that pull to move on. I really, really miss the sun.

To end, new year, new beginnings. But every day can be a new beginning. Also, I'm finally answering some questions on Step 12!! YAY! It's a New Year's miracle! 
It will be okay in the end. Trust in God.

Happy New Year!

Tender Mercies

Five years ago this month was my time of darkness. I dived into my addiction.
I had discovered a website where people would scan in lots of written porn. Aka "Romance" novels. Ugh. That phrase.
Now I didn't have to go to bookstores or Walmart or thrift shops to find ways to feed my addiction... it was right there.

Every night I would stay up until 6am reading romance novels online. I would miss class, church, I didn't hang out with friends very often... I would go to afternoon classes and occasionally church activities, but mostly I would spend every night reading.

I remember I was having dinner with friends one night and I was two hours late, because I was reading novels online. Totally lied about it too.
No, I'm not going to tell you the website.

The wonderful thing about recovery? I don't recognize that person. Yes, I was that person, but I'm no longer that person!

One aspect I've struggled with is what I read...
As with most addictions, I had to read worse and worse stuff and oh my word there are lots of freaky written porn out there. I cannot believe what I read seeking that fix and the next high.

I finally sought help from my bishop. March will be 5 years since my first ARP meeting.
As I attended group this week, I thought of all this and also of how similar the last few months have been.
Being ill brought back a lot of anxiety and depression. A lot. This past week, I'm finally feeling better. Like coming out of darkness into light. The fight is back... I am finally working on Step 12. YAY!

I feel better! Not that life is suddenly easy. It doesn't seem so completely overwhelming and impossible.
I feel like I'm fighting again and have the strength to do it.
It's a wonderful feeling and reminds me of starting recovery. Love this program!

Tender Mercies

Five years ago this month was my time of darkness. I dived into my addiction.
I had discovered a website where people would scan in lots of written porn. Aka "Romance" novels. Ugh. That phrase.
Now I didn't have to go to bookstores or Walmart or thrift shops to find ways to feed my addiction... it was right there.

Every night I would stay up until 6am reading romance novels online. I would miss class, church, I didn't hang out with friends very often... I would go to afternoon classes and occasionally church activities, but mostly I would spend every night reading.

I remember I was having dinner with friends one night and I was two hours late, because I was reading novels online. Totally lied about it too.
No, I'm not going to tell you the website.

The wonderful thing about recovery? I don't recognize that person. Yes, I was that person, but I'm no longer that person!

One aspect I've struggled with is what I read...
As with most addictions, I had to read worse and worse stuff and oh my word there are lots of freaky written porn out there. I cannot believe what I read seeking that fix and the next high.

I finally sought help from my bishop. March will be 5 years since my first ARP meeting.
As I attended group this week, I thought of all this and also of how similar the last few months have been.
Being ill brought back a lot of anxiety and depression. A lot. This past week, I'm finally feeling better. Like coming out of darkness into light. The fight is back... I am finally working on Step 12. YAY!

I feel better! Not that life is suddenly easy. It doesn't seem so completely overwhelming and impossible.
I feel like I'm fighting again and have the strength to do it.
It's a wonderful feeling and reminds me of starting recovery. Love this program!

Tender Mercies

Five years ago this month was my time of darkness. I dived into my addiction.
I had discovered a website where people would scan in lots of written porn. Aka "Romance" novels. Ugh. That phrase.
Now I didn't have to go to bookstores or Walmart or thrift shops to find ways to feed my addiction... it was right there.

Every night I would stay up until 6am reading romance novels online. I would miss class, church, I didn't hang out with friends very often... I would go to afternoon classes and occasionally church activities, but mostly I would spend every night reading.

I remember I was having dinner with friends one night and I was two hours late, because I was reading novels online. Totally lied about it too.
No, I'm not going to tell you the website.

The wonderful thing about recovery? I don't recognize that person. Yes, I was that person, but I'm no longer that person!

One aspect I've struggled with is what I read...
As with most addictions, I had to read worse and worse stuff and oh my word there are lots of freaky written porn out there. I cannot believe what I read seeking that fix and the next high.

I finally sought help from my bishop. March will be 5 years since my first ARP meeting.
As I attended group this week, I thought of all this and also of how similar the last few months have been.
Being ill brought back a lot of anxiety and depression. A lot. This past week, I'm finally feeling better. Like coming out of darkness into light. The fight is back... I am finally working on Step 12. YAY!

I feel better! Not that life is suddenly easy. It doesn't seem so completely overwhelming and impossible.
I feel like I'm fighting again and have the strength to do it.
It's a wonderful feeling and reminds me of starting recovery. Love this program!

Addiction in Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

I love RL Stevenson. He's one of my favorite authors.

In fact, I read The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde a few months before I had my rock bottom moment that started me on recovery over four years ago. The story stuck with me. In fact, while I was writing after my first slip, I mentioned it in a Study and Understanding section. How I felt like Hyde was out and wouldn't go back in.
A year ago, I decided to read it again, and I got an audiobook version to listen to while driving.
Listening to it, I had a realization! It's a story of addiction!

Spoilers, if you've never read the story. (PS Don't watch TV versions of it. They usually have a sexual aspect which is not in the book.)

Dr. Jekyll is an upstanding man, but, he reveals to his friend, he wanted to be able to commit sin without remorse!

 "If each, I told myself, could but be housed in separate identities, life would be relieved of all that was unbearable; the unjust delivered from the aspirations might go his way, and remorse of his more upright twin; and the just could walk steadfastly and securely on his upward path, doing the good things in which he found his pleasure, and no longer exposed to disgrace and penitence by the hands of this extraneous evil.”

Sound familiar?

Jekyll creates a drug to bring out the evil/immoral side of him. He becomes Mr. Hyde. Mr. Hyde knocks down and steps on a small child. Later, he murders someone. Yet he shows no remorse. Hyde is purely the immoral aspect of man.
At the end of the story, Jekyll recounts how, when he tried to stop becoming Mr. Hyde, he couldn't! Then Hyde begins coming out at will. No more drugs needed. And the drink that Jekyll used to stop Hyde ceases to work. Knowing he has no control, Jekyll becomes Mr. Hyde and commits suicide.

As I was listening to this, I realized how much Hyde is addiction.  It starts out as curiosity, or blatant rebellion. Then, once we're hooked, there is a part of us that wants to indulge in the addiction without consequence or remorse. And then we find ourselves giving in more and more. We can't stop and, eventually, the addiction takes over our lives and we are trapped. If we don't seek help, we know there is a real possibility of death.

However, sad as Jekyll's end is, WE have the option of turning to Heavenly Father. We don't need salts or drinks. :)
We believe that we can be healed from the damage of addiction and that our Heavenly Father does this for us.

There is hope even in the darkest moments.

Four years in Recovery. Sometimes it does not get easier.

So this week, I'm fairly sure, is my Four Year Anniversary of being in Recovery. I think my first meeting was March 11. I don't pay attention to dates and my journal keeping at the time was not great (it still isn't). But Happy Anniversary to me!

With that, though...
(Warning: May contain triggers)

Last night I had several user dreams. Not just one! Several. Some violence related (which was my early masturbation trigger before I found romance novels) and a couple sex ones. Very vivid dreams. I've been fighting the memories all day.
Which meant I woke up late and was late to church. I missed the Sacrament. I knew I was going to miss it. First, I needed to kneel and pray for forgiveness, for help. Not a hurried prayer, but a sincere prayer. I knew I needed to go to church. So I went. I was half an hour late, but I went.
The talks in Sacrament were good, but I was still mad at myself so I wasn't paying attention. I know a user dream isn't necessarily my fault, but to me, they signaled a bigger problem. And dealing with the triggers is not fun.
I know why.
I've been watching stupid, mindless things online that sometimes contain inappropriate scenes. It doesn't matter if I skip over them, if I can in time, they are still there.
I haven't been to group in over a month. I meant to go a couple weeks ago, but fell asleep after work and woke up too late.
So tonight, I called into a Women's PASG Meeting. I'm so very glad I did. More on that later.

After the closing prayer, I was really, really early to Sunday School. The other ward was still lingering. Since I hadn't read this week's RS lesson, I opened up my manual and started reading Chapter 5, "Principles of True Repentance."

Bam. Heavenly Father was speaking to me directly. I even took the book with me, when I went to other ward to take the Sacrament. I really wanted to take the Sacrament and figured I should miss a bit of Relief Society to renew my covenants. It was a good experience, bowing my head, repeating the prayers in my head as if I was saying them. Praying for forgiveness for my sins. Partaking of the bread and water. I needed the sacrament.

Sunday School was focused on the Beautitudes. As I read along and listened to the discussion, I realized that I was doing okay. Not great. But I wasn't hopeless. I was making progress. I had come far since the dark days of my addiction. Progress was being made and I hadn't gone back. Even if it felt like it. ;)
And that's one reason why I loved, and very much needed, to read President Benson's words today.

"One of Satan’s most frequently used deceptions is the notion that the commandments of God are meant to restrict freedom and limit happiness. Young people especially sometimes feel that the standards of the Lord are like fences and chains, blocking them from those activities that seem most enjoyable in life. But exactly the opposite is true. The gospel plan is the plan by which men are brought to a fulness of joy. This is the first concept I wish to stress. The gospel principles are the steps and guidelines that will help us find true happiness and joy... If we wish to truly repent and come unto Him so that we can be called members of His Church, we must first and foremost come to realize this eternal truth—the gospel plan is the plan of happiness. Wickedness never did, never does, never will bring us happiness [see Alma 41:10]. Violation of the laws of God brings only misery, bondage, and darkness."

I recognize and know that my addiction does not bring freedom, but only misery, bondage and darkness. I know that! 

President Benson had five principles that signify true repentance. That was the first. The second was to have Faith in the Savior. Third is one that I've struggled with. A Change of Heart. Or Step 6. So I've completed Step 6, but I still struggle having a change of heart. In Step 10, the manual states that we have lost all desire for our addictions. But I still struggle with triggers and temptations. So I do feel like I'm two faced. Part of me still remembers the feelings and wants to experience those again. It's only by remembering the results of my addiction, the shame, etc., that I can overcome it. That, and praying to my Heavenly Father. Which I did, a lot, today.

Anyway, it's a great lesson.  I could quote most of it here. I hope you read it. It gave me hope when I needed it. The Holy Ghost helped me see I'm doing okay. Godly sorrow was definitely a part of my day.

The PASG meeting I phoned into was on Step 4 and that also buoyed me up. I underlined some new ideas that I noticed. And then it came to section of questions to ask when writing the inventory... In the past, when we've read this step, I've been uncomfortable. Because I still see myself doing those things. Tonight, however, I felt good about the questions. I feel I'm doing better at turning things over to the Lord.

Also, I read some of these blogs (which I haven't done in a while. I've missed you!) and that gave me more encouragement and hope. And insight. 

There are some things I need to cut back on. I spent the evening watching Church videos to fill up my Youtube recommendations with good things. 

All in all, I feel hopeful. There is lots I need to work on, eating, sleep, thoughts, emotions, etc. But I know I can it, because I know in whom I can rely. My Heavenly Father, my Savior and the Holy Ghost. They are rooting for me. They are reaching for me.

President Benson ended with this quote "We must not lose hope. Hope is an anchor to the souls of men. Satan would have us cast away that anchor. In this way he can bring discouragement and surrender. But we must not lose hope. The Lord is pleased with every effort, even the tiny, daily ones in which we strive to be more like Him. Though we may see that we have far to go on the road to perfection, we must not give up hope."

Then he says "Finally, we must remember that most repentance does not involve sensational or dramatic changes, but rather is a step-by-step, steady, and consistent movement toward godliness."

That was what I needed today. The assurance that I am making the effort. That this effort will pay off.  If I hold on to hope and strive for true repentance daily, I am making "steady and consistent movement toward godliness." 

So can you.

Four years ago was a very, very dark time in my life. I had lost hope, but I turned to my Heavenly Father for help. I had no idea the journey ahead. But I give thanks daily for this program. I marvel at the miracle He has made of my life.

I could not do this without my Godhead.

You can do this too. He is waiting. They are willing.

Like trying to run through water.

I'm moved into my new place. I have a job full time.

And... my depression is back. The anxiety is there too, coming in to make me feel like doom is around the corner.
Being surrounded by boxes to unpack and major decisions to make about where to put everything, is not helping the situation.
I read an article today about how depression is like trying to run through water. It's hard.

I knew I was struggling, but how much didn't hit me until last week.
My sleep schedule is WAY off and I've been staying up late unpacking and then falling asleep after work and then waking up at 9pm and then staying up late... you get the idea.

So I woke up late, again, after staying up late, again, and I got dressed (I'd showered and I had dug through suitcases to find clothes for work). I put on makeup, I did my hair and I put on my coat and I grabbed my keys.
Then I stood at the door. I didn't want to go to work.
And I went into my room and I sent an email that I was sick (because saying "I'm depressed, I can't come into work was a truth I wasn't at yet) and I washed off the makeup, took out my contacts and spent the morning watching videos on Youtube. Then I slept for the afternoon and finally woke up and ran some errands.
That's when I knew, because getting out the door again was not easy.
You would think everything falling into place would cure the depression, not make it worse!
So I'm seeing a doctor next week. I'm so scared this will turn into my last full time job experience, where I lost the job because I didn't show up for a whole month. Really. I think I went in maybe once or twice. My sick leave and holiday pay were both gone and I didn't care. I just didn't get paid.
Depression and my addiction played a huge role in that. But I didn't know I was addicted at the time.

That day, I listened to Elder Holland's talk "Like a Broken Vessel" over and over again.
I've prayed.
And I'm trying to see the good things I do.
Like yesterday, I got my living room pretty much unpacked. Even though that meant more boxes in the other rooms, I tried to focus on the good that I'd done. I have a place to sit! I put up a bookcase!

I also learned of a change I need to make for both depression and recovery.
That night, as I cleaned, I was listening to October Conference talks. Then Elder Quentin L. Cook's Priesthood Session talk came on. Now I'm not a huge fan of Elder Cook, so I was only half listening.
Then he said this: "A wonderful example of the need for moderation, balance, and wisdom is the use of the Internet...As Brother Randall L. Ridd poignantly taught at the last general conference, speaking of the Internet, “You can get caught up in endless loops of triviality that waste your time and degrade your potential.”

Metaphorical hand to the back of my head.
I've been struggling with triggers and temptations. And one thing that's contributed to it is what I've been wasting my time on. Youtube has some interesting channels about films and Top 10 lists and I've been watching them, but yesterday, one of them got really bad. Again. They will show the complete scene from a film. And I kept watching.
Well, then I was struggling with the memory of that scene the rest of the day. Stupid, stupid decision.

When Elder Cook spoke those words "endless loops of triviality" I realized that I was doing that exactly!
I know part of it my depression. But I should be watching better videos. Like the Bible Videos. :)

I have felt temptation a lot more.
The other day, as I was shopping for muffin tins, I passed by the book section and I just wanted to go read a romance novel! My mind was literally saying "go read it, it will help." ha ha ha ha.
I haven't had thoughts like that in a long time. I mean, more than fleeting ones.

I'll make it, though. I have the Lord on my side. I just have to do my part.
Today in Relief Society, the lesson was Elder Christofferson's talk on Agency and he pointed out that repentance is self-will. The Lord will help us heal and forgive us, but we have to make the choice to repent!
I know that He guides us to that point. He won't make us change, but He keeps reaching out to us to help us, knowing that we will turn to Him. What a lovely thought.

One other contributor is that I've missed group for a month. I didn't go one night because I was tired, then I went home to get packed and then I was moving and then... well, it is being felt.
So I'm thinking of going to a general ARP meeting tonight. I feel like I need it.
Even a phone in one... just a meeting.

The good news is that:
Today I went to Church.
Today I can trust my Heavenly Father.
Today I can fast for help.

Today I can do little things and appreciate that I can do something.

All things are possible through God, even recovery.

I listen to a lot of Christian music. I know it's a safe radio station to have on. And I love the music. Not every single song, but there are times where the Lord sends me a message through the songs. 

TobyMac has new one out and I love it.

It gives me hope that I can overcome my addiction. That God gives us challenges so that we can grow, and that He will help us succeed. We just have to turn to Him. Surrender. Not that surrendering suddenly makes life easy or takes away agency or choice (darn it). 

All things are possible with God.

Call it a reason to retreat
I got some dreams that are bigger than me
I might be outmatched, outsized, the underdog in the fight of my life
Is it so crazy to believe

That You gave me the stars put them out of my reach
Called me to waters a little too deep
Oh, I've never been so aware of my need
You keep on making me see
It's way beyond me
It's way beyond me
Yeah, it's out of my league
It's way beyond me
It's way beyond me
It's way beyond …

Anything that I got the strength to do
In over my head keeps me countin' on You
I'm leaving the sweet spot, sure shot
Tradin' it all for the plans You got
Is it so crazy to believe

You take me to the place where I know I need You
Straight to the depths that I can't handle on my own
And the Lord I know, I know I need You
So take me to Your great …
Take me to Your great unknown

Life is the good and the bad.

It's been almost a month since my last blog post and now I'm struggling with my addiction and with life!
Ha ha.
Due to the holiday season and the fact that my group meets on Friday, I haven't been able to attend PASG for a couple weeks. And lately, I've been struggling with triggers, fantasies, thoughts (oh my word, the thoughts) and the desire to escape. I finally got to attend group a couple weeks ago, but missed the next one because it was the same night as my Ward Christmas Party and... I wasn't feeling well. I spaced it.
I've been so lonely and that is triggering memories and thoughts and ... ugh.
My crush is back at work, with his girlfriend.
And in three weeks, I may not have a job. I may be moving home. I have bills that need to be paid.

I realized part of the problem is that I don't have a space of my own. They've moved me at work to someone else's desk. So my things are in a box.
I have my room at "my" apartment, but being stuck in my room all night is not cool. I still don't feel like I belong or that this is my place. I just rent a room.

Anxiety is constantly there, waiting to erupt.
I've gotten three rejection letters this week.

So, after my last interview of the year last week, capping off a week of headaches and heartaches and panic attacks, I think my body just gave out. I think the headaches are from my new contacts (yay) and I... feel out of alignment. Out of sync. I don't know how else to describe it. I don't feel like myself.
When I woke up with a huge headache, I took Friday off of work and watched corny Christmas movies on TV, but the commercials! Oh my word! The commercials on daytime TV are insane! Sexual and just icky.
Which just added to my triggers, which has started to include the desire to masturbate. Haven't had that desire in a long time!

Loneliness is right there too. Just tonight I was following up on a show I used to watch (it started looking up a character on a film my roommate was watching, which is not Sunday appropriate, so I shouldn't have been watching it in the first place)... anyway, so I was looking up this show and there were a couple clips of the main couple kissing.
Trigger? It triggered emotions in me.
I wanted to keep watching it so bad and I wanted to watch the other clips, but luckily, I realized that was a step on a slippery slope and I couldn't go there. I didn't want to go there. Well, I did, but I knew it wouldn't end well.
But that's pretty much every day now.
And I've made some really stupid choices in what I read (who knew Dear Abby and other advice columns would be so sexual?) during the day that I've triggered these thoughts. So I need to keep my Sabbath day special and spiritual.

And every day I fight off panic attacks and nausea and fainting. It's so "fun." So I'm trying to figure out what is going on. I know part of it is that my spirit, body, mind, etc., just can't take it anymore. It's been three months of stress and sadness and worry.
I'm so tired. Plus, being the Christmas season, my sugar intake has increased which is also not helping. Ugh.

So even with the news that things should be alright (I find out definitely tomorrow) job wise, I'm not feeling it.
Basically, I can't feel it right now.

Usually, when I have triggers this bad, it means I need to work on the ARP program. At the same time, I don't feel like I'm working recovery.
I feel low.

Still, I know that things will be okay. This won't last forever. I do have to keep trying and keep striving.

There's a quote on my wall a friend in recovery gave me a long time ago.
"We Can Do Hard Things."

I don't want you to think that I'm awful. I still laugh. Life has hard moments, but beautiful and good moments too. I thank my Heavenly Father for the good moments. He is with me.

D&C 133:45

For since the beginning of the world have not men heard nor perceived by the ear, neither hath any eye seen, O God, besides thee, how great things thou hast prepared for him that waiteth for thee.

I'm finding joy in Christmas. I've gone to the temple, which has helped. I know there is light ahead. I just have to keep going toward it. And work on Step 11. Maybe just answer one question tonight. I can do that much.

Just…. augh.

I think I posted the amazing Building 429 song "Press On."
That's how I'm feeling today. I feel a mess. I feel:
angry
sad
frustrated
lost
broken
fearful

But mostly FED UP.

So tired of filling out job applications. So tired of going to work. So tired.
Last night I listened to Elder Holland's talk "Lord, I Believe"

So that's the prayer in my heart. I really feel like that father.

Mark 9:22-24

And ofttimes it hath cast him into the fire, and into the waters, to destroy him: but if thou canst do any thing, have compassion on us, and help us.
Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth.
And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.

Help me make it a little farther today.

Step 4 redo.

It's not a real redo. It's a realization.

Remember how last week I wrote how I flipped out on my family? Shame and anger and hurt all were there. And I couldn't figure out WHY. I was feeling so many emotions.
I struggled to know if it was my addict striving to get out, or, as I see now, just natural-woman me dealing with life.

I knew I needed to sit down and write it out. Analyze my feelings, but I wasn't sure if it would work or if I would do it in a way that was helpful. Not just whinging on paper, but actually learning and overcoming from what happened. Because, as I said before, I don't want to be my dad, the person no one likes to be around at family things because you're grumpy.

So Wednesday night was PASG and we were reading Step 4.
My only reviews of Step 4 are when we read the step in PASG.
One thing I love about group is how Heavenly Father uses that week's step to talk to me. No matter what step, there is always something I learn each week, thanks to the Spirit.

So we started reading Step 4 and we get to the section about how to write an inventory, the manual suggests taking each memory and then breaking it down through writing:

Incident. What happened? In just a few words, give a short description of your memory of the event. Think more in terms of a summary rather than a long story.
Effect. What was the effect on you or others?
Feelings. What were your feelings at the time of the incident? What are your feelings now about it? Consider how your fears may have contributed to it.
Self-examination. How did your character weaknesses or strengths affect the situation? Do you see any evidence of pride, self-pity, self-deception, or self-will in your attitudes and actions? Be sure to record also those times when you acted right.
The Holy Ghost can help you humble yourself and face the truth, even if the truth is painful. With the help of the Lord, you can recognize your strengths and weaknesses (see Ether 12:27). Questions like these may help:

• What outcome did I want in this situation and why?
  
• How did I try to control the situation?
  
• Was it any of my business?
  
• What actions did I take or omit to get what I wanted?
  
• Did I ignore reality?
  
• Were my expectations reasonable for myself and for others?
  
• Did I lie to myself or to others?
  
• Did I ignore the feelings of others and think only of myself?
  
• How did I act like a victim to control others, get attention and sympathy, be special, and so on?
  
• Did I resist help from God and others?
  
• Did I insist on being right?
  
• Did I feel slighted for lack of recognition or acknowledgment? 

Inspired counsel. What counsel does the Lord give concerning this incident? Remember you have nothing to fear as you submit to the Savior. You are here to learn good from evil, and the Savior can help you forgive yourself and others. Record your thoughts and impressions as you consider inspired counsel from the scriptures and from Church leaders. 

Bam! Lightning to my brain. That's what I needed to do. I needed to take that situation and write it out!
I realize that Step 4 is not just a one time step. I know that I need to review each day, but that night I realized that the step gives me tools for when I need to analyze emotions and situations. It was really, really neat.
So I'm working that this weekend.

Also, GENERAL CONFERENCE! I have a challenge for you (and me). I'm going to kneel and pray before each session and ask the Lord what He wants me to learn and to help me learn it.
I did it for my first general conference in recovery. Three years ago exactly. It was an awesome experience, even the music sung sent a personal message to me.

I hope it does the same for you.

Deuteronomy 4:29
But if from thence thou shalt seek the Lord thy God, thou shalt find him, if thou seek him with all thy heart and with all thy soul.

It's a miracle (and I say this only half joking)

Last night I finished the last question in the Study & Understanding section of Step 10!!!!!

YAY!!!!

I have completed it!

Meaning, I'll keep working on daily inventory, and it needs a lot of work, but I need to move on to Step 11. I've been feeling this for a while.

So, it's taken a year. But Step 10 is DONE!!!!! I am no longer on Step 10! 

Hurrah!

This is totally how I feel right now.

1 Corinthians 15:57
But thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

Warped Love

I have been working on this post since I started this blog.
I write a bit, delete it, try again, etc.

Then today I woke up ill so what better way to have time to finish the blog?
Since my other plans are a little hard to complete when you get dizzy standing up.

I hope this makes sense.

Basically, I have been on one date since I started recovery. I was one and a half hours late to that date because, well, I freaked out.
What if I did something? What if he tried to kiss me? What if I triggered?
They were all wild and crazy fears, but they were still there.
Big, huge waves of fear.
It went okay. Surprisingly, there was no follow up date. Go figure.

Anyway, I bring this up because I've developed a crush on a nice guy in my ward. This is my second one since recovery and I really don't like it.
My first crush was on a co-worker. It was horrible.

Why? Well, it's complicated. I suddenly realized that I had used fantasies to "create" a fictional relationship. I would create aspects of him that probably didn't exist. I would be further along in the relationship because I was fantasizing about us. I liked him, he must like me. He must feel the same way. Then I'd get angry when he didn't react the way I wanted him to react.
Reading through old journal entries about my last major relationship, I realized that I had done this.
Having this crush on my co-worker brought out a lot of it.
I didn't enjoy the experience.
I'm starting to figure out why. I'm trying to learn how to like a guy and not retreat into fantasy land.

And it's so complicated.
One part of it was my childhood.
I was abused as a child.

For years I didn't realize it.
It wasn't the Hollywood version, where I cowered in fear every night.
My dad wasn't a drug or alcohol addict. He wasn't horrible every single day.
I wasn't beaten and sent to school with bruises. I didn't have to lie about how I got them.
He was the Executive Secretary in our ward.

One day, when I was around 14, I was taking a Home-Ec class.
Our teacher (bless her forever) actually talked about the Cycle of Abuse.
In Mormon Central! (I grew up in a predominantly LDS community where this kind of thing wasn't talked about)
Here it is:

That was my childhood.

Growing up, I learned I wasn't good enough. Because, obviously, if I was good, my daddy wouldn't hurt me.
But my daddy did hurt me.
Therefore, it must be my fault. My child brain reasoned that it had to be my fault.
So I had to be good. I had to please people. If they were happy, then I would be happy. They wouldn't hurt me. I became a people pleaser. And I used my addiction to escape. I created fantasies about being strong. I created this ideal man who would never hurt me. The perfect man.
I told myself that if I could just have a boyfriend then I would be fine. When I did have a boyfriend (I have had only one), the addiction went away. So, I reasoned, I needed that love and support from a guy. I couldn't do it on my own. And because I was really good at fantasies, well, that bled into my
relationship with guys.
I created a fantasy man in every guy I liked.
A fantasy relationship. Etc.

The first step to realizing this was at university, when I began seeing a counselor about issues regarding my dad. At the time, I was obsessed with this guy. I would fantasize about him, have conversations with him, think about him all the time. If Facebook had been around then I definitely would have stalked him. Anyway, I worried it meant I was crazy. So she gave me this book on limerence and love.
Limerence is infatuation. It's more about you and less about object of your infatuation. You fantasize about your crush seeing you, watching you, talking to you. It's about what you have to do to make them fall in love with you. Sound familiar?

Limerence can grow into love. You have to work at overcoming limerence and allowing love to develop. To be more concerned about the person, instead of you.
The book really helped me see that I was normal. We all do this. The point of the book was overcoming limerence and allowing it to become love. But with my addiction, I let it go too far.

I was chin deep in my addiction at that point.
So I kept the fantasies.
Fueled by what I was reading.

Recently, I realized that abuse is warped love. But my dad wasn't the only contributor.
Written porn novels also present abusive relationships as normal and romantic.
Most "romance" books I read had the hero treat the girl horribly. Play with her emotions, scare her, stalk her, hurt her physically or emotionally, and then explain it all away by saying he loved her at the end. Oh, it was okay now.

Written porn is about the woman. How she is seen by the man. It's complete limerence, with pornography in there for added damage.
I never realized how this reading warped my perceptions. It warped my sense of healthy relationships and interactions.
I'm slowly replacing those issues with truth.

To honest, I am so happily single. For years I wanted to be married. I thought I could only be happy being married. I finally made peace with myself and who I am. I am in a good place.

Truthfully, I am scared to be married. Scared to have to confess my addiction to my significant other. Scared of relapses and triggers.

Then I remind myself that I don't need to freak out about something that isn't even a possibility yet.

We'll take it when it comes, me and God together.

So I'm watching what I read. I try to recognize unhealthy relationships in tv and movies and books.

I'm turning my triggers and temptations over to Heavenly Father.
Having faith He can heal what I cannot.
That I can be in a healthy dating/marital relationship one day.
Let's hope.