Step 4 redo.

It's not a real redo. It's a realization.

Remember how last week I wrote how I flipped out on my family? Shame and anger and hurt all were there. And I couldn't figure out WHY. I was feeling so many emotions.
I struggled to know if it was my addict striving to get out, or, as I see now, just natural-woman me dealing with life.

I knew I needed to sit down and write it out. Analyze my feelings, but I wasn't sure if it would work or if I would do it in a way that was helpful. Not just whinging on paper, but actually learning and overcoming from what happened. Because, as I said before, I don't want to be my dad, the person no one likes to be around at family things because you're grumpy.

So Wednesday night was PASG and we were reading Step 4.
My only reviews of Step 4 are when we read the step in PASG.
One thing I love about group is how Heavenly Father uses that week's step to talk to me. No matter what step, there is always something I learn each week, thanks to the Spirit.

So we started reading Step 4 and we get to the section about how to write an inventory, the manual suggests taking each memory and then breaking it down through writing:

Incident. What happened? In just a few words, give a short description of your memory of the event. Think more in terms of a summary rather than a long story.
Effect. What was the effect on you or others?
Feelings. What were your feelings at the time of the incident? What are your feelings now about it? Consider how your fears may have contributed to it.
Self-examination. How did your character weaknesses or strengths affect the situation? Do you see any evidence of pride, self-pity, self-deception, or self-will in your attitudes and actions? Be sure to record also those times when you acted right.
The Holy Ghost can help you humble yourself and face the truth, even if the truth is painful. With the help of the Lord, you can recognize your strengths and weaknesses (see Ether 12:27). Questions like these may help:

• What outcome did I want in this situation and why?
  
• How did I try to control the situation?
  
• Was it any of my business?
  
• What actions did I take or omit to get what I wanted?
  
• Did I ignore reality?
  
• Were my expectations reasonable for myself and for others?
  
• Did I lie to myself or to others?
  
• Did I ignore the feelings of others and think only of myself?
  
• How did I act like a victim to control others, get attention and sympathy, be special, and so on?
  
• Did I resist help from God and others?
  
• Did I insist on being right?
  
• Did I feel slighted for lack of recognition or acknowledgment? 

Inspired counsel. What counsel does the Lord give concerning this incident? Remember you have nothing to fear as you submit to the Savior. You are here to learn good from evil, and the Savior can help you forgive yourself and others. Record your thoughts and impressions as you consider inspired counsel from the scriptures and from Church leaders. 

Bam! Lightning to my brain. That's what I needed to do. I needed to take that situation and write it out!
I realize that Step 4 is not just a one time step. I know that I need to review each day, but that night I realized that the step gives me tools for when I need to analyze emotions and situations. It was really, really neat.
So I'm working that this weekend.

Also, GENERAL CONFERENCE! I have a challenge for you (and me). I'm going to kneel and pray before each session and ask the Lord what He wants me to learn and to help me learn it.
I did it for my first general conference in recovery. Three years ago exactly. It was an awesome experience, even the music sung sent a personal message to me.

I hope it does the same for you.

Deuteronomy 4:29
But if from thence thou shalt seek the Lord thy God, thou shalt find him, if thou seek him with all thy heart and with all thy soul.