Sunday, September 27, 2015

There's gotta be a point to this.... please


Today.
Today is hard.
This whole week has been a trial.
Ha.
These past two months have been a trial.

I'm tired. I've been having panic attacks all day.
I've felt weak and ill.
Totally freaked out.

Last Sunday I started feeling sick after church and then it hit full force on Monday.
After I got some bad news on Monday about work and my pay.
I went home early and was up most of that night. I figured it was food poisoning.
Missed work Tuesday, started feeling better that night and then was up again.
So Wednesday I went to see my doctor.
It's not food poisoning.
I've missed a lot of work. I have no idea how to make ends meet.
Two Priesthood blessings have helped, but not healed like I hoped (as in instant, or at least overnight).
Two user dreams this week as well. Very real and very troubling.

BUT I finally got to take the sacrament today!
I have a kitty curled up on my leg.
Inside, I feel things will get better. That I will make it through this.

Casting Crowns came out with a new song and I love it.
It came on the radio the other day when I was feeling so lost and alone.

Stop holding on and just be held.
My addiction won't beat me. Neither will my depression.
I'll overcome the lies.
Just as soon as I feel up to it....


Sunday, September 13, 2015

I'm still here

Hi there.
It's been a rough month, well, two months.
I'm grateful for the priesthood.
But the last couple months have me questioning myself. Why I'm here. Where I'm supposed to be.
What my future will be.

I finally made it to group on last week and it was wonderful. I've missed those dear sisters in recovery.
Today I'm feeling down. I missed church (I missed church last week due to illness) again today and, when I tried to find a church to take the sacrament, well, the parking lot was empty.
I'm frustrated and I know it's because I'm tired and just coming off an illness. Life stressed and money stresses are not helping.

So I will keep trying. At group I had inspiration to write down what I need to do and part of that is writing more in my journal. I've been holding things in and it is starting to show.
I'm also reading a great book Undoing Depression, which talks about how depression rewires the brain (sound familiar?) and that medication and therapy may not be enough. It's more like addiction recovery! I think I can do that. :)

I stayed up way too late to clean my house, but it does feel better.

Anyway, it will be okay.
I asked for a priesthood blessing last week and it was just what I needed. Heavenly Father knows me. Even though I'm feeling horribly alone and lost right now, I'm not. At least I have my Heavenly Father and my Savior on my side.
Someday I'll know why I'm having to go through this all.
One goal is to start praying now for answers in the next General Conference.

As TobyMac says "We lose our way, we get back up again."

I'm trying.