Today I can't do this. But He can. Will I let Him?

Friday I sat on the floor in the den and sobbed.
I don't like crying. It makes my head hurt, my eyes red and puffy and my nose stuffed.
But I needed to cry.

I cried last night too.
It has been a rough week.

This week I said goodbye to two members of my family. I don't know when I'll see them again.
I had to deal with a huge stressful situation that took 3 hours longer than I had planned to resolve and involved extra money and mall parking with no validation (grrr).
I couldn't attend a PASG meeting this week.
I also had to drive in Utah (I try not to use the word hate a lot, but I hate driving in Utah).
So I got home later than I planned, then I had to go to work early the next morning.

I was exhausted emotionally and physically. I tried to pray in the car on the way to work, but could barely form coherent thoughts.
I had a Monday at work.
I wish I could just write it all out here, but I can't.
Lets just say I left work emotionally, physically and mentally battered and bruised.

I wasn't praying for help. I was praying to just make it to the end of my shift.
Heavenly Father, why am I going through this. When will this all make sense? When can I quit this freaking job? Will I ever have a career? Will I ever have a job I love? Will I ever be content?
Will I ever just feel like I'm living my life and not just surviving it?

Instead of isolating, I reached out. I went to a friend's house and vented for 10 minutes. Then I had to dash home to babysit.
Then my nephew threw his shoe at me and hit me in the leg. It hurt.
I didn't lose it (a real fear. I do not want to be abusive), but I got a little more stern than I should.
When someone tried to talk to me, I became defensive.
So I went inside and cried and cried and sobbed.
Lord, today I can't do it.

Part of the reason I was upset was that I was supposed to work Sunday morning. I've asked for Sundays off. Then it seemed like my prayers were answered and my schedule was changed.
So Saturday came and was rough and emotional. Fights with family members. Feeling very alone (when your nephew says he doesn't want you to come with him, it hurts).

Then I found out I was working Sunday morning.
I love going to church. I love going to all 3 hours. I love partaking of the sacrament. I feel like if I miss it, it affects my whole week.
Plus, I couldn't fulfill my calling.
Why was this happening? Wasn't I trying to do the right thing? Wasn't attending church on Sunday a good thing?
So I cried some more.
I am tired of life. I am tired of this job. I am tired.

I wish I could say this morning at work I read my scriptures and conference talks.
I watched Youtube videos and read some online picture thingy. Not a slip-up, but definitely not a good use of my Sabbath. I was idle and definitely not Sunday appropriate.
I know why. I was ticked at my Heavenly Father.
Unsurprisingly, a couple things I looked at triggered me, so I finally made myself stop.
I read a conference talk, one of the ones from the YW session.
I wrote in my journal. That really helped.

It was still hard. It didn't feel like Sunday. A client played music that was horrible and very triggery.
So I came home feeling exhausted.

Then clouds started gathering outside and I heard thunder.
I watched this powerful thunderstorm from the safety of my garage and house.
It was so cool and slightly scary.
While I was watching, I apologized to Heavenly Father.
Out loud.
I thanked Him for this lovely rain.
I love rain.

I felt better. A lot less petulant.

I will be doing a lot of praying tonight. A long prayer.

This time when I got online, I put on some Sunday music.
So while I was writing this, Michael McLean started playing.
One of my favorite songs came on.
This could count as a "Christmas" song, but I listen to it all year.
When the music started, I paused to listen.

The words were exactly what I needed to hear.
I am the innkeeper.

"Let Him In" from The Forgotten Carols

He never would condemn me

I did that all on my own

He offered His forgiveness

And ever since then, I've known

He lets us choose

Each hour of each day

If we'll let Him in to stay

The song ends with the promise that peace and joy begin if we let Him in.

I really needed this reminder today.

And then I picked this song to listen to next. I don't own it. I haven't heard it in a long time.

However, I remember the one time I saw The Forgotten Carols live with Michael.

I mouthed the words to this song and cried and cried and cried. Because I felt so lost and so alone. I could not find my way.

My life still feels this way, but thanks to recovery, I know where to look.

"Three Kings"

I cannot find my way.

I cannot find my way at all.

The love that He gave, teaches how

and shows the way.

That Light is clear to see

If we have faith and believe.

Three Kings found the Lord 

And so can we.

And if you've lost your way,

That Light burns bright today

And it will shine eternally.

Three kings found the Lord

And so can we!

Oh, I am trying. Today I did not succeed.

Yet why else would I find these songs if my Savior didn't want to give me hope and comfort

when I needed it?

Why doesn't He ever give up on me? 

I once used the analogy of God and my Savior as a rock in the middle of a stormy ocean.

Sometimes I let go and try to swim on my own.

They do not move, though. They stay there, waiting for me to turn back and grab hold again.

I am continually astonished that He patiently waits for me.

At least I am letting go less often.

That's progress right?

Well, all I have to do is let Him in. Each hour of each day.

He will help me find my way.

Update

So my weekend did not go as planned.

I planned my Sunday afternoon to be all about Step 10. Working in the manual, making checklists and routines, but halfway through Sacrament meeting, I got dizzy and nauseous.

I made it through my meetings, because darn it, I wanted to go to all 3 hours, then I came home and crashed. 

Finally, around 9pm, as I sat at my laptop, I remembered I was supposed to work on.

Yes, I did write up a morning and night routine. Yes, I did work on my checklists (though I think I might simplify, right now the amount of things on my checklist seem overwhelming).

It just needs some work.
So I'm glad I did it.
I'm still not feeling great, so today I am doing simple things.
Eating chicken noodle soup and soda crackers.

So I'm going to combine this post with another one so that you don't get two paragraphs. ha ha ha.

I found this link a couple weeks ago via a fellow recovery friend.

Guest Post: Porn on Paper

I really do not like the name of the blog.
I am not dirty. We are not dirty because we are addicts.

However, I still wanted to share this because this is what addiction to written porn is like! Her words are exactly how I felt. Almost every single word she writes about her addiction I have felt.
"In that instant, it was like a movie. I couldn’t remember the book’s storyline, but in that moment, I saw familiar images..."

There are days sometimes when I'm writing my blog, sometimes when I'm just trying to live in my own head (which is so nice since God helped me evict the fantasies), the memories come back. No I can't remember the book's title (that was never important), but I can remember scenes. The images my mind created reading that book fill my mind.
I am addicted to pictures, but it's the pictures my own brain has created. The dialogue, the words, all come back. 

"I’d never know what it would mean to live without this crap having stolen my innocence. I’d never approach a relationship and not fight the images that my mind now wanted to conjure up—images I saw in the words on those pages and others like them nearly fifteen years ago. Words that could have made even a virgin wrestle with the mind of a whore."

I hate it. I want to take all those books and burn them. I want to go into Walmart with a flame thrower and go down the book section. Maybe God will let me do that during the Millennium?

Yet, hope and healing is possible. I can testify of that. So I loved that this woman shared her story, because she is one more person who knows about addiction and can give us all hope. To help us know we are not alone. Plus, she personally replied to my comment on the blog.

We are not alone!

Working on it

No, I haven't actively worked on Step 10. Yesterday and today have been, well, lazy days.
I worked on small things, but also faffed about most of the day.
So I asked Heavenly Father for forgiveness.
Today I will be a little better and try a little harder.
One good thing: I wrote in my journal! YAY!
(this is something I've been trying to do for a long time. I struggle with it, but I feel that I need to keep a journal. A blog is great. Facebook is fine. But I need to keep a record of my thoughts and feelings in a place where I can openly share them. I can't share about my work here or on a social site. So I was quite pleased that I was able to do it. It also meant I wasn't wasting time online).

Anyway, I'm going to try and meet with my Bishop this Sunday, again. Time for the "real" confession.
And maybe a blessing. I still feel like I'm, not drifting... bobbing? Just being carried along with the
current of life. I have dreams, I make plans. They seem impossible to come true and I worry that I'm not taking the path the Lord wants me to take.
I know that fear plays a big part in this. I fear the future. I fear that I'm asking for the wrong things in prayer. I realized that part of the reason I'm not working on Step 10 is I'm afraid of Step 11. Because of my panic attacks, my brain is programmed to instant doom. My cat doesn't come home at night. Well, he must be dead. My mom isn't answering her phone. She's been in an accident.
You get the idea.
My brain is always telling me things and I can't distinguish if it's me or the Spirit.
Plus, I don't even have a checklist for Step 10 yet.
It's taken me a year to do two steps!

Then I realize that it's not a competition. It's not a race against anyone else but myself.
And I've always been a slow learner! ;)

So I'll keep trying, I'll keep moving. I won't yield.

I have a goal. By Monday I will have my Step 10 checklist completed AND a morning and night ritual (such as scripture study, prayer...journal writing) written out!
Okay, so I have 2 goals.

I want to share one of my favorite songs:

I love imagining Heavenly Father saying to me, "Stacey, stop fighting a fight that's already been won."
Because He's already won this battle for me. If I rely on Him, I will succeed.

"Redeemed" Big Daddy Weave

Seems like all I could see was the struggle
Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past
Bound up in shackles of all my failures
Wondering how long is this gonna last
Then You look at this prisoner and say to me "Son
Stop fighting a fight it's already been won"
I am redeemed, You set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain, now I'm not who I used to be
I am redeemed, I'm redeemed
All my life I have been called unworthy
Named by the voice of my shame and regret
But when I hear You whisper, "Child lift up your head"
I remember, oh God, You're not done with me yet
I am redeemed, You set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain, now I'm not who I used to be
Because I don't have to be the old man inside of me
'Cause his day is long dead and gone
Because I've got a new name, a new life, I'm not the same
And a hope that will carry me home
I am redeemed, You set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain, 'cause I'm not who I used to be
I am redeemed, You set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain, yeah, I'm not who I used to be
Oh, God, I'm not who I used to be
Jesus, I'm not who I used to be
'Cause I am redeemed
Thank God, redeemed

Yes, Thank God I'm redeemed!

This week in PASG we were on Step 3 (oh, Step 3 and me... somehow it's always Step 3 I struggle with). The Lord used the reading to remind me of the importance of trusting in Him.
As the manual says, "let go of the self-will and self-seeking that were at the root of our addictions and enjoy another 24 hours of the serenity and strength that come from trusting in God and in His goodness, power, and love."

Life isn't easy and it brings sorrow, yet it can also bring happiness.
So let go, and let God. 
I actually don't like this phrase. Well, I'm starting to like it. I realize that I only turn over parts of my life to God. I know He's helping me with my addiction. So I try to take care of everything else, but He wants it all!
Time to recite the serenity prayer again and again and again.

Step 2, Elder Holland and my life.

These last couple weeks were fun, cool, hard, triggery and a struggle.
I'm not sure why. For several days in a row, I was triggering every day. Not just once or twice, but pretty much ALL freaking day. I actually had to sing a hymn in the grocery store because the music was triggering me (I did not sing out loud... I'm not that crazy).

Usually this means I'm stuck on a step. I'm not progressing.

So I decided I would do Step 10 this past week. And then life happened. Between dinners for outgoing ARP missionaries, to babysitting, to work, to the awesome service project going on at my house... Step 10 hasn't happened. I struggle to get to bed at a decent hour, I try to read my scriptures and pray when I'm not too tired. Yep, that's not working. My prayers usually end up being silent, said in my head because I'm too tired to say the words out loud.
But I do it. I'm going through Alma 5:14-30 again (it's mentioned in Step 10. I like to read the scriptures/talks mentioned in the step) but this time, I am reading the footnotes for each verse and sometimes the footnotes for the verse I looked up via the footnotes. I can spend 10 minutes on one verse!
Heavenly Father has led me to some good learning experiences. I'm rereading a lot because I'm so tired. Especially Paul. Man, he's almost as hard to comprehend as Isaiah.
But I'm trying. Just not feeling like I'm succeeding.

The next thing I know, it's Wednesday night. I'm facilitating and it's Step 2. Hope.
ha ha ha.

I just celebrated a birthday. I'm officially the mid of mid-thirties.
I'm single (which I'm fine with. Seriously). I live with my mother (not so fine with this). I have Masters degrees, but I work a $8 an hour job that has nothing to do with my education (really not fine, cool or okay with this). I'm struggling again with feelings of failure. Worrying about honesty. Worrying that I'm not doing recovery "right." This has also been triggered by a crush I've developed. I hate crushes. Character weaknesses and addictive tendencies triggered right, left, and center. Plus, big, huge changes are coming and it makes me sad. My mom and a very dear friend are struggling and I don't know how to help. I want to help.

The future is a black, inky blank and I have no idea if I'm even moving in the direction I need to be going.
Now it's Wednesday night and I did not know how I was going to do Step 2! I wasn't feeling hopeful, how could I help my fellow groupies when I couldn't feel it?
I prayed.

Heavenly Father used PASG to teach me a lesson.
I have to keep using the steps. Step 10 isn't just daily accountability. It's using Honesty, Hope, Trust in God, Inventory, Confession, Change of Heart, Humility, Forgiveness, and Reconciliation. I think that's the first nine? (no, I don't have the steps memorized!)
Anyway, I have to use these daily. I don't go through a day without using them. I shouldn't be going through a day without using them. Each and every step. Some days it is easier to do this than others. This weekend has been a struggle with Step 9. Yesterday I felt like I had completely failed on Step 10 and all the previous steps.

But I have to continue in hope.

Heavenly Father is not mad (maybe frustrated. It is me after all). I think He's happy I'm still trying. That I'm not giving up, at least not for long, and turning away. I pray. I read my scriptures. I try to study them.
I try to serve every day.
I tell Him I'm struggling. And He answers with help. An article in the Ensign, is one example.

Another example... This week, I had to go pick up a client in another town. I had a half hour drive, alone, so I decided to listen to Elder Holland's talk from this last conference, "Lord, I Believe."
That is a scripture in the Study & Understanding section of Step 2.
“And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief." Mark 9:24
I purposely listened to this talk, because I love this scripture. I pray those words a lot.

I feel like that man. "Lord, if you can do anything, have compassion on me and help me."
My vision is not the same as His. I know this. But I'm mortal. I doubt. I fear.

Elder Holland says, "I would say to all who wish for more faith, remember this man! In moments of fear or doubt or troubling times, hold the ground you have already won, even if that ground is limited. In the growth we all have to experience in mortality, the spiritual equivalent of this boy’s affliction or this parent’s desperation is going to come to all of us. When those moments come and issues surface, the resolution of which is not immediately forthcoming, hold fast to what you already know and stand strong until additional knowledge comes."

So after the talk ended, I spent some time talking to my Heavenly Father. I asked for forgiveness. I told Him how I felt. That I felt that He had let me down. I never wanted to leave the UK. I still don't see why I had to. Heavenly Father knows this. :)
Sometimes I feel like I do lose that ground of faith. That I'm not standing strong.
Then the Spirit (I hope), pointed out that I'm still trying. I must believe and have faith, because I haven't given up.
I get out of bed. I go to work. I read my scriptures. I attend PASG. I read the manual. I go to church. I fight against temptation. I pray, even if I'm tired. I fast.

I'm holding strong to what I know. Yes, sometimes I let go of my Heavenly Father's hand and try to do it alone. His hand is still there when I reach for it.

I believe the future will be bright. I believe I will be okay. I don't know it, but I believe it. Sometimes I just desire to believe it. It's a beginning.
Maybe that's what got Joseph of Egypt through those years in prison.
Hope.


If you, like me, are struggling with hope, I recommend these talks:
The Infinite Power of Hope President Dieter F. Uchtdorf
Hope  Steven E. Snow
Broken Things to Mend  Elder Jeffrey R. Holland
Two Principles for Any Economy Pres. Uchtdorf
An High Priest of Good Things to Come Elder Holland
The Lord Thy God Will Hold Thy Hand  Elder Craig W. Zwick

Someday

Two weeks since my last blog post?
I am working on a blog to explain things, but it's late and I'm tired
of many things.

I hear this song a lot. I sing along to it.

But I can't sing the chorus. I mean, I do sing it. With the hope that someday I'll mean it.
I'm not there yet.
Someday, I tell myself. Someday I will do this.

But right now, I can't.
I struggle.
Yet, I try. I read my scriptures. I pray. Even if it's just a silent plea.

Someday I'll be able to praise Him in this storm.