Update

So my weekend did not go as planned.

I planned my Sunday afternoon to be all about Step 10. Working in the manual, making checklists and routines, but halfway through Sacrament meeting, I got dizzy and nauseous.

I made it through my meetings, because darn it, I wanted to go to all 3 hours, then I came home and crashed. 

Finally, around 9pm, as I sat at my laptop, I remembered I was supposed to work on.

Yes, I did write up a morning and night routine. Yes, I did work on my checklists (though I think I might simplify, right now the amount of things on my checklist seem overwhelming).

It just needs some work.
So I'm glad I did it.
I'm still not feeling great, so today I am doing simple things.
Eating chicken noodle soup and soda crackers.

So I'm going to combine this post with another one so that you don't get two paragraphs. ha ha ha.

I found this link a couple weeks ago via a fellow recovery friend.

Guest Post: Porn on Paper

I really do not like the name of the blog.
I am not dirty. We are not dirty because we are addicts.

However, I still wanted to share this because this is what addiction to written porn is like! Her words are exactly how I felt. Almost every single word she writes about her addiction I have felt.
"In that instant, it was like a movie. I couldn’t remember the book’s storyline, but in that moment, I saw familiar images..."

There are days sometimes when I'm writing my blog, sometimes when I'm just trying to live in my own head (which is so nice since God helped me evict the fantasies), the memories come back. No I can't remember the book's title (that was never important), but I can remember scenes. The images my mind created reading that book fill my mind.
I am addicted to pictures, but it's the pictures my own brain has created. The dialogue, the words, all come back. 

"I’d never know what it would mean to live without this crap having stolen my innocence. I’d never approach a relationship and not fight the images that my mind now wanted to conjure up—images I saw in the words on those pages and others like them nearly fifteen years ago. Words that could have made even a virgin wrestle with the mind of a whore."

I hate it. I want to take all those books and burn them. I want to go into Walmart with a flame thrower and go down the book section. Maybe God will let me do that during the Millennium?

Yet, hope and healing is possible. I can testify of that. So I loved that this woman shared her story, because she is one more person who knows about addiction and can give us all hope. To help us know we are not alone. Plus, she personally replied to my comment on the blog.

We are not alone!