Today I can't do this. But He can. Will I let Him?

Friday I sat on the floor in the den and sobbed.
I don't like crying. It makes my head hurt, my eyes red and puffy and my nose stuffed.
But I needed to cry.

I cried last night too.
It has been a rough week.

This week I said goodbye to two members of my family. I don't know when I'll see them again.
I had to deal with a huge stressful situation that took 3 hours longer than I had planned to resolve and involved extra money and mall parking with no validation (grrr).
I couldn't attend a PASG meeting this week.
I also had to drive in Utah (I try not to use the word hate a lot, but I hate driving in Utah).
So I got home later than I planned, then I had to go to work early the next morning.

I was exhausted emotionally and physically. I tried to pray in the car on the way to work, but could barely form coherent thoughts.
I had a Monday at work.
I wish I could just write it all out here, but I can't.
Lets just say I left work emotionally, physically and mentally battered and bruised.

I wasn't praying for help. I was praying to just make it to the end of my shift.
Heavenly Father, why am I going through this. When will this all make sense? When can I quit this freaking job? Will I ever have a career? Will I ever have a job I love? Will I ever be content?
Will I ever just feel like I'm living my life and not just surviving it?

Instead of isolating, I reached out. I went to a friend's house and vented for 10 minutes. Then I had to dash home to babysit.
Then my nephew threw his shoe at me and hit me in the leg. It hurt.
I didn't lose it (a real fear. I do not want to be abusive), but I got a little more stern than I should.
When someone tried to talk to me, I became defensive.
So I went inside and cried and cried and sobbed.
Lord, today I can't do it.

Part of the reason I was upset was that I was supposed to work Sunday morning. I've asked for Sundays off. Then it seemed like my prayers were answered and my schedule was changed.
So Saturday came and was rough and emotional. Fights with family members. Feeling very alone (when your nephew says he doesn't want you to come with him, it hurts).

Then I found out I was working Sunday morning.
I love going to church. I love going to all 3 hours. I love partaking of the sacrament. I feel like if I miss it, it affects my whole week.
Plus, I couldn't fulfill my calling.
Why was this happening? Wasn't I trying to do the right thing? Wasn't attending church on Sunday a good thing?
So I cried some more.
I am tired of life. I am tired of this job. I am tired.

I wish I could say this morning at work I read my scriptures and conference talks.
I watched Youtube videos and read some online picture thingy. Not a slip-up, but definitely not a good use of my Sabbath. I was idle and definitely not Sunday appropriate.
I know why. I was ticked at my Heavenly Father.
Unsurprisingly, a couple things I looked at triggered me, so I finally made myself stop.
I read a conference talk, one of the ones from the YW session.
I wrote in my journal. That really helped.

It was still hard. It didn't feel like Sunday. A client played music that was horrible and very triggery.
So I came home feeling exhausted.

Then clouds started gathering outside and I heard thunder.
I watched this powerful thunderstorm from the safety of my garage and house.
It was so cool and slightly scary.
While I was watching, I apologized to Heavenly Father.
Out loud.
I thanked Him for this lovely rain.
I love rain.

I felt better. A lot less petulant.

I will be doing a lot of praying tonight. A long prayer.

This time when I got online, I put on some Sunday music.
So while I was writing this, Michael McLean started playing.
One of my favorite songs came on.
This could count as a "Christmas" song, but I listen to it all year.
When the music started, I paused to listen.

The words were exactly what I needed to hear.
I am the innkeeper.

"Let Him In" from The Forgotten Carols

He never would condemn me

I did that all on my own

He offered His forgiveness

And ever since then, I've known

He lets us choose

Each hour of each day

If we'll let Him in to stay

The song ends with the promise that peace and joy begin if we let Him in.

I really needed this reminder today.

And then I picked this song to listen to next. I don't own it. I haven't heard it in a long time.

However, I remember the one time I saw The Forgotten Carols live with Michael.

I mouthed the words to this song and cried and cried and cried. Because I felt so lost and so alone. I could not find my way.

My life still feels this way, but thanks to recovery, I know where to look.

"Three Kings"

I cannot find my way.

I cannot find my way at all.

The love that He gave, teaches how

and shows the way.

That Light is clear to see

If we have faith and believe.

Three Kings found the Lord 

And so can we.

And if you've lost your way,

That Light burns bright today

And it will shine eternally.

Three kings found the Lord

And so can we!

Oh, I am trying. Today I did not succeed.

Yet why else would I find these songs if my Savior didn't want to give me hope and comfort

when I needed it?

Why doesn't He ever give up on me? 

I once used the analogy of God and my Savior as a rock in the middle of a stormy ocean.

Sometimes I let go and try to swim on my own.

They do not move, though. They stay there, waiting for me to turn back and grab hold again.

I am continually astonished that He patiently waits for me.

At least I am letting go less often.

That's progress right?

Well, all I have to do is let Him in. Each hour of each day.

He will help me find my way.