I had surgery a month ago. My first (and hopefully my last). The other night at ARP meeting, I had a revelation of sorts.
I've been in recovery since 2011 and this month marks my seventh anniversary! Go, me!
It was "minor" surgery, but it was hard. Medical fears are one of my anxiety triggers. I have felt peace beyond understanding, but also moments of extreme anxiety and panic. Great waves.
But I survived. It's been a difficult time. More depression. More anxiety. Pain at the surgery sight. Getting over the anesthesia... it took longer than I thought. When my surgeon said I'd be able to go back to work right after... I believed him. And he was right, but not entirely. I did go back to work, but I also couldn't work full days and had to take lots of naps.
I'm still recovering in a lot of ways...but I can do more each day.
A lot like addiction recovery!
When I started the ARP program, I thought it would be 12 steps in 12 weeks and I would be "fixed."
Instead, it's been seven years! It's wonderful, because I've been healed, not merely fixed.
But it took (a lot) longer than I thought and it was painful... very painful.
However, though my arm hurts since the surgery, it doesn't hurt as bad as it did before the operation. That was a lot sharp pain.
I knew addiction recovery would be painful... and it was... but it was a lighter pain than when I was an addict. Does that make sense? It's been hard and it's hurt, but it's a healing hurt... not a bottomless, deep hurt.
I admit that I'm missing my addiction this week. With my struggles with mental health, the desire to escape into fantasy have been there, a lot more than usual. But I know it wouldn't help. Reality would still be there.
So that's my great realization.
Recovery from addiction isn't easy. It's hard. It's painful. But it's worth it. Because the pain hiding underneath is much worse than the pain of the healing process.
