Why do I keep going?

It's been a really hard few weeks. Yes, February = month of darkness when I was immersed in my addiction almost constantly, so it should be expected. I've mentioned that before, but I think it's always been a hard month.
I treated myself to a nice Valentine's Night involving good food, a good movie and some Olympics. And my kitty-cat valentines. I look for something good in every day.

As for that show, well I'd prayed before about giving up this show because of my crush on the actor. And I felt that it was my choice. So I decided to watch it. Only one episode left, right? And so I watched it and… it was horrible. It's like the writers decided to take this great characters and completely change them. I was so mad! I still am mad! I was up half the night because I was so mad. Augh! Sorry, I tend to get emotionally involved in stories I like and enjoy. Hey, I cry watching Hallmark commercials, so why should a show I watch regularly be any different.

So I picked something else to read.. I vented to friends and family. Today it struck me that God knew this would happen! I smile, because it shows He has a sense of humor. Sure Stacey, watch this show… you won't like it after the next episode anyway. :) ha ha ha.

But I still struggle with the fantasy world. Being really tired means I'm more susceptible to triggers. I know I'm struggling with depression because, well, I don't want to do anything.

I lost a friend recently, which has contributed. It's been a very, very difficult time for me. The loss hit me more than I thought it would. I find myself dealing with anger at the friend for what happened, sadness that I lost that friendship, I miss them, and guilt that I could have done something more for that person. However, I have not been angry at God, which I see as a good sign. The situation has got my brain in escape mode and I have really been struggling with fantasies. Not sexual ones, just the old story world I created. I know that being creative is not evil. It is a gift that I can't use right now because I tend to use it to escape and giving in can lead to lust fantasy.

But I keep going. I work Step 10. Not doing great at it. Definitely not making sure I meet my physical needs. I've written down goals and I'm going to write them down again.
I keep trudging through the darkness in hopes of finding the light. Holding on to the tiny rays of light God sends to get me through each day. He does send hope.
I'm actually feeling, in some ways, better about life than I have before now.

So I keep going with hope that the faint silver lining I glimpse ahead will burst into rains of plenty and I will have that happiness that the Savior promised me.

I love this song and I wanted to share it with you all.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever you would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

Isaiah 43:2-5

2 When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.

3 For I am the Lord thy God, the Holy One of Israel, thy Saviour: I gave Egypt for thy ransom, Ethiopia and Seba for thee.

4 Since thou wast precious in my sight, thou hast been honourable, and I have loved thee: therefore will I give men for thee, and people for thy life.

5 Fear not: for I am with thee:

Heart Triggers.

Beggar's Daughter did a few blog posts on different kinds of triggers. (Apparently the website is down for February. Darn it!) So never mind that. Look it up when it's back up...

Anyway the triggers are Heart, Mind, and Soul.

I'm struggling lately with triggers and the temptation to live in fantasy.
I talked about my fantasy issue last week in the previous post, but I realized that I didn't talk about the trigger. It was a big, huge heart trigger (s).
In the past, my fantasies about men involved them finding me attractive. There's a lot of detail in how I would go about that, but for the sake of space, I will just say that I used fantasy to create a better self self, to make an alternate me.

Now I realize that these fantasies were based on a need to feel loved, to feel important, to be wanted and desired by someone. It's basic limerence and it's a natural part of crushes, etc. However, with me it's not a good thing. Ya know, with the whole addiction aspect.

Which is why I think I shut down. I mean, yes, I had a crush on a coworker and a guy in my ward, but they seem more like practice rounds compared with what I'm going through right now. This past week the addict me has been clamoring for release. Memories of old fantasies, old "story lines" have been coming up every day. And all based on a crush on movie star.

This kinda hit me unexpectedly. I'm very careful in what I watch. I usually avoid films with actors I've had crushes/fantasies about. And I can be logical and say "This is pretend. This is not real. It's not even based on reality." But I still struggle. Because my heart wants it. And it is a good desire. A desire to be loved is not a bad thing. But my addiction can turn it into a slip and relapse.

As a result, I've been analyzing what led me to this point. Because I am very, very happily single. Not interested in dating, thank you!
But a few months ago, I watched a movie with some sweet romantic scene and I now realize that it triggered my heart. I want to be loved. Part of me wants a boyfriend and the other part is scared to death about a relationship. Scared about feelings and revealing my addiction, etc. So I bury it.
Then, last month, I went on a date. I'm trying to be open to what Heavenly Father wants for me. And I know that includes getting married. So I went on a date. It was nice. And I never heard from him again.

I wasn't expecting this to end in a temple marriage, but the result disheartened me. It has happened so much! Another heart trigger. And so when this actor comes along in a show that I love, that makes me laugh, a guy that seems nice and is, well completely safe to have a crush on… my heart was ripe for the trigger. Which is also scaring me, because dang it, if I feel like this when I have a crush on a face on a screen… how am I ever going to handle a real, live person.

The problem is that I'm struggling to put it away. To turn to Heavenly Father in the midst of the trigger and the feelings. To not watch every single movie he's in and read every single article about him. Memorize his birthday, etc. But oh it is HARD! Because the feelings are so nice. So today I am trying. I did not watch much of the Super Bowl. I'm working on my callings. I am not watching the show, because Sunday is about the Lord and I want to show Him that I want Him center in my life.

It's not easy, because my faith is weak right now. I am not where I want to be. I don't understand why I have to be here. And at the same time terrified about ever leaving. Oh, anxiety about change makes life so much fun.
I worry that I am not where I'm supposed to be. I worry that I'm not handling this trial in a good way and feel like it's a jail sentence that the Lord will just keep increasing until I finally learn my lesson. I am so tired of my job. I am so tired of living at home. I am tired of my life. It's supposed to get better at some point, right?

But every day I pray. I read my scriptures. I try to find one good thing to be grateful for. And sometimes I do this because I feel like if I keep going maybe, just maybe I'll get a blessing for it. Probably not the best attitude to have, but I don't want to shirk. So today I'll just keep trudging.

So here's my song for the day. It really speaks to me right now. I love how it seems a little depressing, but to me, it's hopeful. Because I'm not alone and somewhere deep inside, I must believe that God will help me.
Otherwise I wouldn't keep trying.