Why do I keep going?

It's been a really hard few weeks. Yes, February = month of darkness when I was immersed in my addiction almost constantly, so it should be expected. I've mentioned that before, but I think it's always been a hard month.
I treated myself to a nice Valentine's Night involving good food, a good movie and some Olympics. And my kitty-cat valentines. I look for something good in every day.

As for that show, well I'd prayed before about giving up this show because of my crush on the actor. And I felt that it was my choice. So I decided to watch it. Only one episode left, right? And so I watched it and… it was horrible. It's like the writers decided to take this great characters and completely change them. I was so mad! I still am mad! I was up half the night because I was so mad. Augh! Sorry, I tend to get emotionally involved in stories I like and enjoy. Hey, I cry watching Hallmark commercials, so why should a show I watch regularly be any different.

So I picked something else to read.. I vented to friends and family. Today it struck me that God knew this would happen! I smile, because it shows He has a sense of humor. Sure Stacey, watch this show… you won't like it after the next episode anyway. :) ha ha ha.

But I still struggle with the fantasy world. Being really tired means I'm more susceptible to triggers. I know I'm struggling with depression because, well, I don't want to do anything.

I lost a friend recently, which has contributed. It's been a very, very difficult time for me. The loss hit me more than I thought it would. I find myself dealing with anger at the friend for what happened, sadness that I lost that friendship, I miss them, and guilt that I could have done something more for that person. However, I have not been angry at God, which I see as a good sign. The situation has got my brain in escape mode and I have really been struggling with fantasies. Not sexual ones, just the old story world I created. I know that being creative is not evil. It is a gift that I can't use right now because I tend to use it to escape and giving in can lead to lust fantasy.

But I keep going. I work Step 10. Not doing great at it. Definitely not making sure I meet my physical needs. I've written down goals and I'm going to write them down again.
I keep trudging through the darkness in hopes of finding the light. Holding on to the tiny rays of light God sends to get me through each day. He does send hope.
I'm actually feeling, in some ways, better about life than I have before now.

So I keep going with hope that the faint silver lining I glimpse ahead will burst into rains of plenty and I will have that happiness that the Savior promised me.

I love this song and I wanted to share it with you all.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever you would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

Isaiah 43:2-5

2 When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.

3 For I am the Lord thy God, the Holy One of Israel, thy Saviour: I gave Egypt for thy ransom, Ethiopia and Seba for thee.

4 Since thou wast precious in my sight, thou hast been honourable, and I have loved thee: therefore will I give men for thee, and people for thy life.

5 Fear not: for I am with thee: