I am grateful in the storm.

The past couple days have been a little difficult.
I've been triggering really bad. Even TV commercials. I can't even watch morning TV! Seriously, they are so... inappropriate.

BUT I am loving the scripture study for Alma 5:27. I finished reading all the scriptures in the Topical Guide under "Man, New, Spiritually Reborn." Wow.
I need to do another blog post about the scriptures, because this would be a really, really long post.

I've been feeling very peaceful since my blessing. Not perfectly peaceful, but, well... peaceful.
One example is my job.
Not hate... it's very complicated. I am getting to the point that I feel that I need to move on, but I've told the Lord that I will stay if He wants me to stay. I'm trusting that something good is coming. I know that I've needed this experience. It has really helped me with Step 7. One of my friends told me she was doing an inventory of her character weaknesses... which I didn't know was a thing to do. But the Lord helped me with them anyway. Oh, did He help me. He's put me in situations and jobs that have led to me dealing with those weaknesses with His help to overcome them.

I listen to a lot of Christian radio. Actually, that's all I listen to. Yes, there is a local station that plays Mormon music. They even have Conference talks and BYU devotionals at times. The only problem is the music tends to be a bit... boring. There I said it! I'm sorry, but it is!
You can only listen to 5 different orchestral renditions of "O My Father" so many times. I love Kenneth Cope. I love Michael McLean and Michael Webb, but other than them, most contemporary Mormon music is the same.

Anyway, I started listening to Christian over a year ago when I was on my way to a PASG conference and wanted to listen to something spiritual to prepare myself and I was out of range of the Mormon station. I heard "You Love Me Anyway" by Sidewalk Prophets and it really touched me. After that, I started listening on my way to work.
Now I listen to it pretty much all the time! I don't like contemporary radio stations. This way, I don't worry about a lot of commercials or having triggering songs suddenly come on the radio.
Now I have a huge list of songs that I love. Christian music just gets it (for me at least).

One of the stations plays sermons of ministers. I like to listen to them occasionally because, well the insights are cool. Not at a First Presidency, Elder Holland or the Quorum of the Twelve level, but pretty good. Yesterday I was listening to one on the Children of Israel while I did some outside work. He talked about being grateful IN our afflictions. He used the concept of cancer and how you may not be grateful to have cancer, but we can be grateful for the blessings IN having cancer.
That's how I feel about my addiction. I am not grateful I have depression and panic attacks either, but I can be grateful in those situations. I am not grateful I am an addict. It is hard, but at the same time, I see the blessings, the changes that are in my life because of recovery and I give thanks that I am in it.
I am grateful for the awesome people I have met. The wonderful ARP missionaries I get to work with. A manual that is so worn out and gets damaged more every day (I should post pictures).
I am so grateful to be in my own head!
No fantasy world. I'm working on the obsessive thinking, but that, at least, is real.
Less TV and music.
A relationship with God is definitely more worthwhile than Game of Thrones.

Yet I still struggle. I've been very homesick for the United Kingdom lately. It comes in waves. This one is a huge wave.
I am trying to have faith it will all work out.

I attend the Correlation meetings for ARP missionaries. I like it because the missionaries are awesome and I love getting to know the elders. We always have a lesson on the next step and this week was Step 10. That means I get to facilitate on it too. Ha ha ha.
I realized, while I was listening, that I have been over thinking Step 10, putting way too much pressure on myself. So I am going to work on the Study & Understanding this weekend and see where I go from there. But not keep putting it off!
Also, really cool moment. I was online and came across one of those advice blogs and I thought "I can't read that, because then I'll have to tell someone." Accountability is helpful!

I have a new "theme" song. I've added it to my playlist that I listen to almost every day.
It's the latest from Mandisa and, well, I sang it tonight in my car and the tears came, a little.

Addiction. Life. Hardship. Trials. All can be overcome with the Savior.

I know that is true.
1 John 5:4-5
For whatsoever is born of God overcometh the world: and this is the victory that overcometh the word, even our faith.
Who is he that overcometh the world, but he that believeth that Jesus is the Son of God?

I am an overcomer.

Tender mercies and blessings.

Well, hello all!

Wednesday night, after PASG, I was talking with one of my friends and she told me that I was probably making Step 10 a bigger deal than it needed to be.

That may be true. I do tend to do that with the steps. So I thought, I need to talk with my Bishop. He would help me see if I am trying to overdo Step 10.
Well, each day passed and I would forget to call and make an appointment.
I didn't remember until last night.

Well, I thought, it's too late. Maybe I can try to schedule one for next week.

Two really cool things happened today.
1) I woke late because, well, I stayed up way too late reading a book.
But it was a good book! I stayed up reading it because I loved the story and, yes, I knew I could just read it later... but just one more chapter... ha ha.

Anyway, so I hurried and dressed. I've missed the sacrament two weeks in a row. I did not want to make it three! "Please, Heavenly Father." Please help me get the sacrament. I was 15 minutes late and as I walked into the church, I heard them singing... the sacrament hymn! Yes!
Thank you. Thank you, Heavenly Father.
I was able to read the sacrament hymn and take the sacrament and pray... it was lovely. A tender mercy.

2) After the sacrament, the bishopric spoke. Very good talks and then my Bishop got up to talk and he talked about the Atonement and how it can be used to change us. The Spirit started nudging me, see him today. See the Bishop today. You need to see him today. Not so subtle.  Quiet, yes.

So I saw him. We talked. We laughed. He told me how pleased he was that I was working the program. He gave me a blessing.
It was an uplifting experience.

So I didn't get a chance to work on Step 10 today, but I'm not going to stress about it. One day at at time.
I'm going to work on balancing my days. Staying close to the Lord. Finding my path.

I'm also going to work on gratitude this week. I try to read the Ensign through every month before the end of the month. This month's First Presidency Message is from President Eyeing on gratitude. It was a message I needed to read. I need to work on gratitude for so many things. So I'm starting out my prayers with what I'm grateful for each morning and night.
Today I am grateful for bishops.

This isn't going away.

This entry is an accumulation of thoughts from the past, well, two years.
I've been working on it since I started the blog.
This morning I woke up, exhausted, tired and stumbled out of bed.
I instantly felt...bad.
The thought in my mind was that I had messed up. Slipped.
I was so tired, that praying wasn't helping because I still had the feeling of wrongness.
But I hadn't done anything wrong!
It was tough, but I pushed through it and felt a lot better. Reading this month's Ensign helped.

Anyway, this ties in because, well, my addiction isn't going to go away. As in, I won't wake up one day and go pick up a romance novel. I have to watch myself.

Outside my PASG meetings, there are free Deseret News newspapers. I usually grab one and sometimes I actually get around to reading it. :)
A few weeks ago, I actually sat down after the meeting and read the first article, "The Reboot." Why? Well, the article about brain chemistry and pornography addiction. So of course I wanted to read it.
As I finished it, my mom asked me what I was reading and I told her.
This look flashed across her face.

Thursday night I was trying to find something to watch and she asked for Vampire Diaries. So I switched the station, which was luckily on a commercial, and left the room. She called "You don't have to leave." But, I do. That show is one of my triggers.

She's accused me in the past of being judgmental of what she watches, so I catch myself before I say anything.

But it's hard.
I can barely watch kissing on TV!

Now I'm not saying my family is not supportive in my recovery. My mom's come to a couple meetings. My brother's come to another ARP meeting I facilitated.
Yet, this is the same brother, in asking (yet again), why I wasn't doing the online dating thing... I mentioned to my bro, in the course of this conversation, that I was frightened of having to tell my future husband about my addiction. His response, "Well, maybe he doesn't need to know." (Oh, I'm pretty darn sure he's going to want to know about this.)
These experiences sum up the feeling I get from my family. The silent questions, "Aren't you over this yet?" "Hasn't it been long enough?" "Shouldn't you be 'fixed' by now?"

And I want to reply, "This isn't going away!"
I mean that in the best possible way! Part of me doesn't want it to go away.
In the ARP presentations I do, the script used by the missionaries say "In AA, the phrase is once an addict, always an addict. But we believe that through the atonement of Jesus Christ, you can be healed."
I actually don't like this part. Hey, I'm not saying Christ doesn't heal us, I'm living proof that He does, BUT...
They are both right. Addiction isn't something that can be fixed. It's not something we get over and move on with our lives. I am an addict. Christ healing me doesn't change this fact. When I first started recovery, I thought that I would do the 12 steps in 12 weeks and then be fixed! I could go back to my life and that pesky addiction wouldn't be a problem anymore.
Oh, ha ha ha ha ha ha.
I had/have to continue to sacrifice and work at recovery.
In 20 years I'm fairly sure I'm still going to need to monitor my reading, music and viewing choices. I'm still going to need to be working the manual, doing my dailies, and working recovery. Yet, this excites me. It doesn't depress me.
Because I'm changed. Christ and my Heavenly Father (and the Holy Ghost) changed me. I can change back if I want, but why would I want to?

Oh, yes it's hard. It's hard to not be able to read the books that everyone is reading or watch the TV shows everyone loves and quotes on Facebook (bye bye Big Bang Theory. You're funny, but so dirty. Bye bye Friends. Joey and Chandler are addicted to porn and everyone laughs.)
Films are out too. I made the mistake of going to see a Gerard Butler film that was PG-13. It was the one time I didn't read the Pluggedin review, because it was Gerard Butler. I love him!
And I spent half the movie plugging my ears and humming because it was triggering me.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
It wasn't worth it!

I don't want this to turn into a hopeless blog entry. It's not. It's full of hope! Healing is possible!
But recovery requires sacrifices.
When Jesus told the woman caught in adultery to go her way and sin no more, He meant it!
She couldn't go back to the same situation. She had to change. She had to sacrifice.
The reward she received was worth more than the sin!

I have had to give up "so much," okay it definitely felt that way at the time. Yet, it wasn't! A closer relationship with my Heavenly Father (we're working on that), feeling better about myself, feeling better about life... there are so many blessings from the sacrifices.

For my scripture study, I've been reading the footnotes in Alma 5:14-30 (for Step 10... see I'm kinda working it). Anyway, it's Alma discourse on keeping a change of heart.
Verse 26: And now behold, I say unto you, my brethren, if ye have experienced a ^achange of heart, and if ye have felt to sing the^bsong of redeeming love, I would ask, ^ccan ye feel so now?

Footnote a references three Topical Guide subjects: Change; Conversion; Man, New, Spiritually Reborn. So I decided to read all the references for every topic. I've just started on Man, New, Spiritually Reborn... these scriptures are amazing! Read them!
One of the first ones is Jeremiah 24:7
And I will give them an heart to know me, that I am the Lord: and they shall be my people, and I will be their God: for they shall return unto me with their whole heart.

I want my heart to know God. I want to be His daughter. I want to return to Him with my whole heart. Every day! 

Do I succeed at this? Not always, but the promise is still there.

If I had not been in recovery, I don't think I would be where I am spiritually. This is worth it!

So, another song. Another Mercy Me song. "The Hurt and Healer."

This is how I felt starting recovery. This is how I still feel. It's so hard to trust Him, to let go, but He can breathe my heart back to life. I can fall into His arms. I'm alive because my Savior healed me. He is healing me. I am glad my addiction/addictive personality isn't going away.

I never thought I'd say that.

The past two weeks

Hello, again.
I meant to post last week, but, well I was exhausted. Traveling 1000 miles in three days will do that to you.
Needless to say, I didn't get a lot of work done on Step 10. I'm working on it, though.
As in, actually trying to implement my nightly routine.
As in, when my alarm on my phone goes off at 9pm, I actually get offline (I love that you can set a time limit on K9, so it shuts off my internet at a certain time and doesn't allow it to reconnect until another time. I really really need that), anyway, so I will do a relaxation routine, study my scriptures/Sunday school lesson/Step and then pray.
Which will hopefully lead to a better morning routine than waking up just in time and having to pray in the car for the five minutes it takes to get to work.

I had a stressful weekend. It's hard to see other people moving on to great things when I feel stuck.
Again, I know the Lord is trying to teach me patience.
And humility.

Anyway, so coming back to work was hard. I was exhausted. I was sad/depressed and I was feeling restless. I almost slipped.
See, I have this stupid habit of reading advice columns. I think it was just something I did when reading the paper. Now, of course, they are online. And each and every one has one or more very inappropriate
questions or answers. I skip over them if I spot them. But this week I didn't. I didn't read it seeking a thrill, so I don't feel it's a slip. But it could have been. It was very close to it. Big mistake. Triggers and thoughts and all that fun stuff. "Words. Words. Words. I'm so sick of words."
I felt so bad. I prayed a lot.

So I am stating it on this blog for all to read: I cannot read advice columns anymore!
Now that I've put that out there, I can stick to it. Accountability.

The neat thing is that the Lord used this last week to teach me two very important lessons.
1) Sometimes I have to fight my own battles.
I stood up for myself and something I thought I deserved from my job. I could have sat back and prayed about it. Instead, I addressed it with my manager and got more than I planned on. Yet, if I'd left this to the Lord alone, without any action on my part (I did pray for guidance in what to say), then I don't think anything would have happened.
He expects action. I can pray for help with my addiction, but if I keep the same patterns (as in reading advice columns), He can't help me as much as if I don't work on it from my end too.

2) I have no idea what He wants me to do. And it will be okay.
I have felt torn for a long time between two choices. One would lead me back to the UK, but doesn't seem possible. (Yes, I am aware that all things are possible with God. Sometimes, though, we get a big, fat "no"). The other would involve moving and, well, it's complicated.
Anyway, so I've been thinking a lot about the future and what I should do, what I want, etc.
I slept in Sunday and missed the sacrament in my ward, so I was going to catch the other ward's sacrament. I was standing outside the chapel, scouting out seats for a quick exit after the sacrament, when I thought I should just go put my stuff down in the Relief Society Room. So I did. Just as I put my purse on the chair, a sweet older lady in my ward asked how I was doing. This led to the usual job discussion, when she suggested a job that I hadn't considered. Wow.
I'm going for it.
It might not happen. But He expects action! I told Heavenly Father what I was doing and asked for His help to find my way.

We'll see what happens.
And I do need to work better on Step 10!

So, my alarm went off over 30 minutes ago.  Time to go start my routine.

Before I go, I wanted to share this song:
This is exactly how I am with my Heavenly Father and Savior at times, especially lately. I need to remember who They are, that with Them all things are possible, and that I can do hard things. If I turn to my Savior and Heavenly Father.

Life is full of it

It's late and I am tired and stressed, but I need to post.
This weekend I will be going offline.
Plus, I felt I needed to share my experience.
 
I just realized my garments are inside out. The ones I've been wearing all day!
Sigh.
I hope there's not a penalty in heaven for that.
That is the kinda week I've been having.

It all started last Wednesday.
Went to the temple to do Initiatory because I hadn't been all July (and the temple is close by. I have no real excuse).
And I triggered (words!)
In the temple!
I've been triggering a lot lately.
I know exactly why. Huge change, stress, life, and my body says "Hello!  The addiction makes this all go away! Trigger. Trigger. Trigger!"
Well, yes, my addiction does make it go away, for a moment.
But life always comes back!

Anyway, so for a few moments in the temple, I felt like fleeing. I felt unworthy to be there.
I prayed. And stayed.
I needed to remember those blessings.
I needed to get over the trigger.
It was a good experience.

PASG was okay. I cried. I shared how glad I was God didn't give up on me.

Then I came home and
Big huge blowout fight with my mom.
It was horrible.
My addiction bothers her. My speaking out about what I see in society (as in the objectification of women) bothers her. I can't change the world, so why should I try to, is her view.
Why can't I watch the same shows we used to watch.
We talked about my addiction. She can't understand why I read blogs by addicts.
Don't I just want to put it all behind me? Move on?
So when I mentioned that I feel that sometimes she gives off a vibe of "Aren't you over this yet," she denied it.
Words were said.
 Now I'm not completely blameless in this fight. I said hurtful things too.
I did not handle it well.

After I just walked away, I felt crushed. So I reached out.
I wasn't seeking justification or validation. I wanted honesty.

Thursday I was still dealing with the emotional aftermath. She apologized (which was nice).
And then I got some bad news about work and I just plunged into sadness and depression.

I am a lot like the Children of Israel.
You remember them, the ones who got freed from Egypt and were praising God until they came to a small thing called the Red Sea.
And then they wailed that God had sent them here to die.
So He parts the sea for them.
They rejoice.
Then they run out of water.
God sent us here to die!
He gives them water out of a rock.
YAY! He loves us.
Later: We have no food. God sent us here to die!
Repeat.

My reaction to most stress is kinda the same... wait, WHY is this happening, Lord?
It's a huge emotional time. I've "lost" one part of my family (my brother and his wife), and soon I lose a bigger part.
So it will just be my mom and I.
Joy.
Work is stressful.
I am feeling out of place. I am feeling trapped. I feel like I am wandering in the desert for 40 years and not getting a sign.
Everyone talks about destiny and choices and dreams. Mine seem so far off.
So Friday, Saturday and Sunday were a bit more stressful.

Then Sunday, I went to church! I felt like I'd been away for ages!
I bore my testimony. I got to attend Relief Society. I hung out with family.
I partook of the sacrament.
I worked on Step 10!!!!!

That was the miracle. I felt so wonderful. I wrote in my recovery journal that I would implement my routines.
That hasn't gone so well (it's after Midnight and I'm not asleep)
But, still! I read! I wrote in my recovery journal!
I felt good. I felt peace. As I knelt to pray, as I do before I work on the step, His love washed over me.
What a wonderful feeling.

Today, though, today was rough. More stress. More worries. More emotions.
More triggers.
I struggled. But I talked to the Lord. I thanked Him for tender mercies.
I was able to get out of my bad mood (work and money, again).
Not too much of the Children of Israel (some! but I tried to keep up a conversation with Him, even if it was, "What the heck, Heavenly Father!"). Lots of work on that in the future.

I made memories.
I felt joy.

The future is still unsure. I feel restless. I don't know what is going to happen.
I don't know how I will deal with next week.
I know, though, that the Lord will help me.
And I will need that help.

He wants us to succeed! He wants us to work recovery.
Our Father, our Saviour and the Holy Ghost love us.

He didn't send me here to die. ;)