This isn't going away.

This entry is an accumulation of thoughts from the past, well, two years.
I've been working on it since I started the blog.
This morning I woke up, exhausted, tired and stumbled out of bed.
I instantly felt...bad.
The thought in my mind was that I had messed up. Slipped.
I was so tired, that praying wasn't helping because I still had the feeling of wrongness.
But I hadn't done anything wrong!
It was tough, but I pushed through it and felt a lot better. Reading this month's Ensign helped.

Anyway, this ties in because, well, my addiction isn't going to go away. As in, I won't wake up one day and go pick up a romance novel. I have to watch myself.

Outside my PASG meetings, there are free Deseret News newspapers. I usually grab one and sometimes I actually get around to reading it. :)
A few weeks ago, I actually sat down after the meeting and read the first article, "The Reboot." Why? Well, the article about brain chemistry and pornography addiction. So of course I wanted to read it.
As I finished it, my mom asked me what I was reading and I told her.
This look flashed across her face.

Thursday night I was trying to find something to watch and she asked for Vampire Diaries. So I switched the station, which was luckily on a commercial, and left the room. She called "You don't have to leave." But, I do. That show is one of my triggers.

She's accused me in the past of being judgmental of what she watches, so I catch myself before I say anything.

But it's hard.
I can barely watch kissing on TV!

Now I'm not saying my family is not supportive in my recovery. My mom's come to a couple meetings. My brother's come to another ARP meeting I facilitated.
Yet, this is the same brother, in asking (yet again), why I wasn't doing the online dating thing... I mentioned to my bro, in the course of this conversation, that I was frightened of having to tell my future husband about my addiction. His response, "Well, maybe he doesn't need to know." (Oh, I'm pretty darn sure he's going to want to know about this.)
These experiences sum up the feeling I get from my family. The silent questions, "Aren't you over this yet?" "Hasn't it been long enough?" "Shouldn't you be 'fixed' by now?"

And I want to reply, "This isn't going away!"
I mean that in the best possible way! Part of me doesn't want it to go away.
In the ARP presentations I do, the script used by the missionaries say "In AA, the phrase is once an addict, always an addict. But we believe that through the atonement of Jesus Christ, you can be healed."
I actually don't like this part. Hey, I'm not saying Christ doesn't heal us, I'm living proof that He does, BUT...
They are both right. Addiction isn't something that can be fixed. It's not something we get over and move on with our lives. I am an addict. Christ healing me doesn't change this fact. When I first started recovery, I thought that I would do the 12 steps in 12 weeks and then be fixed! I could go back to my life and that pesky addiction wouldn't be a problem anymore.
Oh, ha ha ha ha ha ha.
I had/have to continue to sacrifice and work at recovery.
In 20 years I'm fairly sure I'm still going to need to monitor my reading, music and viewing choices. I'm still going to need to be working the manual, doing my dailies, and working recovery. Yet, this excites me. It doesn't depress me.
Because I'm changed. Christ and my Heavenly Father (and the Holy Ghost) changed me. I can change back if I want, but why would I want to?

Oh, yes it's hard. It's hard to not be able to read the books that everyone is reading or watch the TV shows everyone loves and quotes on Facebook (bye bye Big Bang Theory. You're funny, but so dirty. Bye bye Friends. Joey and Chandler are addicted to porn and everyone laughs.)
Films are out too. I made the mistake of going to see a Gerard Butler film that was PG-13. It was the one time I didn't read the Pluggedin review, because it was Gerard Butler. I love him!
And I spent half the movie plugging my ears and humming because it was triggering me.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
It wasn't worth it!

I don't want this to turn into a hopeless blog entry. It's not. It's full of hope! Healing is possible!
But recovery requires sacrifices.
When Jesus told the woman caught in adultery to go her way and sin no more, He meant it!
She couldn't go back to the same situation. She had to change. She had to sacrifice.
The reward she received was worth more than the sin!

I have had to give up "so much," okay it definitely felt that way at the time. Yet, it wasn't! A closer relationship with my Heavenly Father (we're working on that), feeling better about myself, feeling better about life... there are so many blessings from the sacrifices.

For my scripture study, I've been reading the footnotes in Alma 5:14-30 (for Step 10... see I'm kinda working it). Anyway, it's Alma discourse on keeping a change of heart.
Verse 26: And now behold, I say unto you, my brethren, if ye have experienced a ^achange of heart, and if ye have felt to sing the^bsong of redeeming love, I would ask, ^ccan ye feel so now?

Footnote a references three Topical Guide subjects: Change; Conversion; Man, New, Spiritually Reborn. So I decided to read all the references for every topic. I've just started on Man, New, Spiritually Reborn... these scriptures are amazing! Read them!
One of the first ones is Jeremiah 24:7
And I will give them an heart to know me, that I am the Lord: and they shall be my people, and I will be their God: for they shall return unto me with their whole heart.

I want my heart to know God. I want to be His daughter. I want to return to Him with my whole heart. Every day! 

Do I succeed at this? Not always, but the promise is still there.

If I had not been in recovery, I don't think I would be where I am spiritually. This is worth it!

So, another song. Another Mercy Me song. "The Hurt and Healer."

This is how I felt starting recovery. This is how I still feel. It's so hard to trust Him, to let go, but He can breathe my heart back to life. I can fall into His arms. I'm alive because my Savior healed me. He is healing me. I am glad my addiction/addictive personality isn't going away.

I never thought I'd say that.