It was going to be a good weekend. I was planning on going home, but my mom started talking about traffic and not having a lot of time... I got the hint. So I stayed and went to group and then had a smoothie that had milk in it and turns out my plans for Saturday did not pan out, so I read a book and then decided to color my hair and do some chores and, as the night went on... I started feeling odd. So when I finally got in bed... the room started spinning, really horrible feeling, coupled with a massive panic attack... oh it was fun! I could sleep propped up, but I've been feeling worse as the day goes on.
Oh, and I scratched my face... you know, like babies do, with my own fingernail! I have a coldsore... it's just a million tiny things.
So today, I pulled myself enough together to go to Sacrament meeting, but I couldn't stay the whole time (at least I took the sacrament) and then... well, I just don't feel up to doing much. And it totally sucks!
The few people I've reached out to have not replied or even seemed to care. Which means I'm feeling very alone and a little lost and stressed.
Now, I know it's not just this. I realize that there are other stresses (like the fact that I don't have insurance and can't just go see a doctor today like I really, really want to) and money worries, etc and so forth.
I learned this through recovery. I learned to not just block the feelings, but to feel them. To ask why I'm feeling this way. That it's okay to feel these feelings. It's okay to be hurt and sad and angry. What is not okay is passively aggressively reacting and acting out to others. Even though I absolutely want to be that person right now.
And it will be okay. Maybe I just need to cry and cuddle my cats and listen to sad music and watch videos that make me cry.
In any type of recovery, we need down days.
