Straws and camels

My heart was heavily dented last week.
Long story short, my crush decided, after two weeks of putting me off, to confess that he was actually "kinda" dating someone else. And... ugh it's a long story. It ends with a battered heart.

At that moment when this landed on me, I think the last few months, so precariously balanced in my heart, body, and mind, broke and fell. I cried in the bathroom at work. I came home, vented to my roommate, and cried some more. I went for a walk. I was furious, I was mad, I was weak, I was frail, I was hurt, I was stunned, I was sad, I was heartbroken.  I kneeled for prayers that night and sobbed and cried harder than I have in months. Why. Why. Why. Why did this have to happen. Why did it have to hurt so much.
I also printed off his picture and went to a construction site and burned it. I listened to "Forget You." That felt good.
Part of me didn't want to go to group, but I knew I needed to go.
As I was driving there, and thinking about him and overanalyzing, the thought came that he wouldn't want me, because I'm an addict.
But then I thought... No, I am not just an addict. I am awesome! I am more than my addiction.

Group was just what I needed that night. I love that program so much. I am so glad I went.

Then the panic attacks started the next morning. I knew it wasn't just him. It was the past few months and yesterday. I was a camel and I'd had my last straw.
I really wanted to just sit home and cry that day, but I didn't. I kept busy. I went out with friends. I went to the temple, which was good. One worker told me that the people I was doing the work for would find me and thank me one day. I felt needed.
I even got to sit in the celestial room and pray.
I went out for yogurt, even though I was ill and panicky. I breathed.
Sunday I went and met with my Bishop. I told him about my addiction. We talked. I got a blessing. Then I came home and slept and only attended part of church because I felt so panicky and ill. Not fun.

It's hard. Part of me is embarrassed for what happened. Misread signals? I don't know. My confidence took a huge hit. Ugh. It's such a struggle. Also, my little abused girl keeps coming up, the "please love me, if I do this, will you love me?" aspect of me. And my obsessive thinking keeps kicking in. So helpful. My emotions are still all over the place. Let's just say the boy left things kinda up in the air.
I'm working on turning all this over to my Heavenly Father. I move forward. I strive. I try not to yield.
I need a punching bag.

So I acknowledge my feelings. I acknowledge my failings. I listen to Conference talks. I read the scriptures. I am working on Step 11. I have these meditations on Healing and Banishing Depression (or thoughts), so I'm doing those as well. I still struggle. Part of me just wants to sit and play Candy Crush all day. And sometimes I do that and then I snap out of it and go do something else.

I will get through this. I will move forward. It won't be forever. I will go for walks or go swimming instead of eating the pound of fudge in my house. I will have a bit of the fudge.
I will go to work, I will do my best to work hard. I will turn my life over to the Lord. No, I'm not perfect at this.
I will be honest. I've fantasied a bit about having a boyfriend when I see this guy next. I've imagined conversations. I've been hurt and angry. Memories, triggers and temptations have been around a lot and it is soooooo tempting to give in. I know it would be a relief, yet I know that relief would only last for a second and then the guilt would overwhelm me and it's not worth that.

So, I don't know what is going to happen. I know I will make it. I have Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost on my side.

I don't know how to do this.

I have a crush on a guy.
I'm struggling with this.
I have had one boyfriend in my life. When I was 16. It lasted for the summer and ended dramatically and I went all Marianne in Sense and Sensibility, and acted just like a teenager with a broken heart. I moped, I cried, I wrote horrible poetry. There are whole swaths of my journal I can't read now because it's still rather painful and juvenile. I even wrote down what he wore.

In the intervening years there have been guys, oh so many, and more heartbreak and dates that never called again, of telling a guy I liked him and never hearing from him again. Of me trying to be what they wanted and then finally just being myself, but still being alone.

Flash forward 20 years and I still feel like that 16 year old who wonders what she's doing wrong. I've read books. I've asked friends. I've examined myself and made changes. I've prayed.

Truth: I have no idea how to have a relationship. How to start a relationship.
For most of my life, my knowledge of relationships, about "love," came from written pornography and romantic comedies. Not exactly accurate.
I created entire relationships in my head and then got mad when he didn't do what I thought he should. When he probably had no idea I even liked him. I've gotten to the point where I can recognize Limerence and love and lust and fantasy and see where I am. But I still feel deeply.

I find myself doing this again. Right now.
The last week has been up and down and happy and depressingly morose. I've cried. I've hurt.
And I think, it shouldn't be this hard! Is it me? Am I making more out of a... friendship than is there?
I asked my crush out. And he said yes and then I haven't heard anything from him since. Augh. I like him. I really like him. Apparently, he doesn't have a clue. I think he should react a certain way and when he doesn't, I'm sad because to me it means he doesn't care.

I've talked with friends and roomies and family. I feel good for a bit, but then something happens and I'm plunged into depression. I think he knows and yet he isn't reacting the way I think that he would... ?
My roommate says I have a fear of rejection and I think it's a part of what is going on, but I don't know what to do with that information. How do you tell yourself "Quit feeling this." Or "stop feeling so deeply."

This is exactly why I say I am perfectly happy single. I'm a sex addict and I am scared of relationships. I am scared that I can't do it in the proper way (?) whatever that means. Basically, I feel like I'm still 16. Trying to make sense of boys and my own emotions. Dealing with the fear that I'm overreacting (and no one wants that) and then wondering how to halt those crazy moments. Added into the fear that he will find out about me, my addiction, and turn away. Which is foolish to think, when he doesn't even know much else about me. It's not like I'm going to blurt it out on the first date. If we even get to that point.

I know enough to know that the emotions I'm feeling right now are not just about a boy. My cats have been sick. More changes at work. I'm moving positions again. Yes, I've only been there two months and I've moved twice. Today was hard. It was lonely and new and... difficult.
And I think "I need boy drama like I need a broken leg." I pray and tell Heavenly Father that I am not cool with this. I ask Him what purpose this serves. I tell myself that this too will end in tears. I wonder if the difficulty means I'm doing something faulty. A sign that it's wrong.
The deep, deep fear of being hurt again. And then being hurt anyway.

I am sore afraid. I'm stuck between wanting a... let's just go with date. I want a date. Yet, I'm scared of the outcome. Any outcome. Fear. Fear. Fear. Fear.

Sigh.

Romans 5:1-4
Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ:

By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.

And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;

And patience, experience; and experience, hope:

I'm working on the glory part. 

All I can do is keep moving forward. Attend group. Study the scriptures. Pray. Turn all this over to Heavenly Father and hope that someday this will make sense. I will see what I learned from this experience.

In the meantime, I'll try not to stalk anyone on Facebook...