Literally and figuratively

The night I left the UK, I received a blessing. In it I was promised a marriage (in this lifetime, so it could be when I'm 98) and then I was told that I would wander through the desert for a time.

Last Sunday, as I was driving back to Utah from a great Time Out For Women, I was thinking about all this.
I'd missed church that day. At my favorite ward! So my mom and I lay in bed and talked for a long time. About my depression. About what I should be doing.
I listened to a conference talk on the way home and then talked to Heavenly Father.
The TOFW was great. It really was nice. I took a lot of notes so I can go back and read them.
A lot about setting goals, achieving dreams, and becoming women of God. I think I liked all the presentations. And I cried.
Because life is hard right now.
I have a job that I'm fairly good at. But I don't love it.
I hardly hear from my family. My mom I talk to every day, but my brothers I hardly ever hear from, or it's a text to all of us. I don't think I've talked to them in weeks. I have friends at work, but I don't really have friends to go hang out with.
I am lonely and alone.

When I received that blessing, I didn't realize the Lord meant I would wander through the desert literally and figuratively.

Somewhere deep down, though, I must know it's going to be okay. I get out of bed every morning. I turn thoughts, emotions, triggers, and temptations over to my Heavenly Father. This program taught me how to do that.
Friday I had a bad experience at work and, shopping afterward, I kept getting hit with pornographic images in my head. I couldn't figure out why until I realized it was because I was mad!
So I turned the incident over to the Lord. I tried to analyze why I'd gotten mad and I figured out because I felt it was personal and I wasn't supported. But I didn't just try to fix my emotional state on my own, I asked the Lord for help.
Also, I need to quit reading stuff online. Sheesh. I caught myself reading a movie plot that contained a description of a sex scene and then I was mad at myself for the rest of the day because I was fighting off triggers. That's a goal for this week.

At PASG this week, I shared an analogy. Most of the attendees were new and when I say I've been in recovery for four years, the new ones usually look overwhelmed.
Four years ago I thought I would be done and fixed by now. And here I am not even finished with the program! ha ha ha.
Anyway, I recently had a physical. I was really, really nervous because I HATE needles. The last time I had blood drawn, I ended up throwing up and being taken out in a wheelchair. Yes, I'm aware that I could do the physical without the blood work, but I felt that I needed to do it. Dang it, I knew I could do it!
So I prayed. I asked people to pray for me. I did relaxation exercises. I told myself that I could do this. I've given blood once before (this was before the last traumatic needle experience) and that became my mantra. "I did it before. I can do it now."
And... I did it!
That's how recovery is. There's this big, scary fear that we know we can't overcome. So we pray, we turn to others, we read the scriptures, we work the program and then we rely on the Lord. We let our Savior help us.
My life isn't magically fixed. I still have sad days. I struggle to feel a part of my ward. Being in your 30s and single is hard! To be honest, last night I completely tuned out of Women's Conference when it was announced that the special videos would be about families. I didn't want to hear about families.  I'm not close to my own family right now and my "future" family is some distant mirage. So I only half listened. I will repent and watch it again. :)

My life is... good. I love where I live. I love my landlords. My ward is really cool. I'm learning to be content with what I have.
I do love PASG. I love coming on here and reading the blogs. They help me.
I'm working on just scheduling out my days. I'm going to go to FHE tomorrow for the Mid-singles. I'm going to pray and read good books and be happy in the moment.
I probably should fit Step 11 in there somewhere. But that's a blog post for another day...

For General Conference, I'm going to pray to hear the messages for me. I did this my first conference after I started recovery and every single talk, every single song touched me as a message from my Heavenly Father. Try it. Ask that this Conference your heart and mind be open to the message your God and Father wants you to know.

Four years in Recovery. Sometimes it does not get easier.

So this week, I'm fairly sure, is my Four Year Anniversary of being in Recovery. I think my first meeting was March 11. I don't pay attention to dates and my journal keeping at the time was not great (it still isn't). But Happy Anniversary to me!

With that, though...
(Warning: May contain triggers)

Last night I had several user dreams. Not just one! Several. Some violence related (which was my early masturbation trigger before I found romance novels) and a couple sex ones. Very vivid dreams. I've been fighting the memories all day.
Which meant I woke up late and was late to church. I missed the Sacrament. I knew I was going to miss it. First, I needed to kneel and pray for forgiveness, for help. Not a hurried prayer, but a sincere prayer. I knew I needed to go to church. So I went. I was half an hour late, but I went.
The talks in Sacrament were good, but I was still mad at myself so I wasn't paying attention. I know a user dream isn't necessarily my fault, but to me, they signaled a bigger problem. And dealing with the triggers is not fun.
I know why.
I've been watching stupid, mindless things online that sometimes contain inappropriate scenes. It doesn't matter if I skip over them, if I can in time, they are still there.
I haven't been to group in over a month. I meant to go a couple weeks ago, but fell asleep after work and woke up too late.
So tonight, I called into a Women's PASG Meeting. I'm so very glad I did. More on that later.

After the closing prayer, I was really, really early to Sunday School. The other ward was still lingering. Since I hadn't read this week's RS lesson, I opened up my manual and started reading Chapter 5, "Principles of True Repentance."

Bam. Heavenly Father was speaking to me directly. I even took the book with me, when I went to other ward to take the Sacrament. I really wanted to take the Sacrament and figured I should miss a bit of Relief Society to renew my covenants. It was a good experience, bowing my head, repeating the prayers in my head as if I was saying them. Praying for forgiveness for my sins. Partaking of the bread and water. I needed the sacrament.

Sunday School was focused on the Beautitudes. As I read along and listened to the discussion, I realized that I was doing okay. Not great. But I wasn't hopeless. I was making progress. I had come far since the dark days of my addiction. Progress was being made and I hadn't gone back. Even if it felt like it. ;)
And that's one reason why I loved, and very much needed, to read President Benson's words today.

"One of Satan’s most frequently used deceptions is the notion that the commandments of God are meant to restrict freedom and limit happiness. Young people especially sometimes feel that the standards of the Lord are like fences and chains, blocking them from those activities that seem most enjoyable in life. But exactly the opposite is true. The gospel plan is the plan by which men are brought to a fulness of joy. This is the first concept I wish to stress. The gospel principles are the steps and guidelines that will help us find true happiness and joy... If we wish to truly repent and come unto Him so that we can be called members of His Church, we must first and foremost come to realize this eternal truth—the gospel plan is the plan of happiness. Wickedness never did, never does, never will bring us happiness [see Alma 41:10]. Violation of the laws of God brings only misery, bondage, and darkness."

I recognize and know that my addiction does not bring freedom, but only misery, bondage and darkness. I know that! 

President Benson had five principles that signify true repentance. That was the first. The second was to have Faith in the Savior. Third is one that I've struggled with. A Change of Heart. Or Step 6. So I've completed Step 6, but I still struggle having a change of heart. In Step 10, the manual states that we have lost all desire for our addictions. But I still struggle with triggers and temptations. So I do feel like I'm two faced. Part of me still remembers the feelings and wants to experience those again. It's only by remembering the results of my addiction, the shame, etc., that I can overcome it. That, and praying to my Heavenly Father. Which I did, a lot, today.

Anyway, it's a great lesson.  I could quote most of it here. I hope you read it. It gave me hope when I needed it. The Holy Ghost helped me see I'm doing okay. Godly sorrow was definitely a part of my day.

The PASG meeting I phoned into was on Step 4 and that also buoyed me up. I underlined some new ideas that I noticed. And then it came to section of questions to ask when writing the inventory... In the past, when we've read this step, I've been uncomfortable. Because I still see myself doing those things. Tonight, however, I felt good about the questions. I feel I'm doing better at turning things over to the Lord.

Also, I read some of these blogs (which I haven't done in a while. I've missed you!) and that gave me more encouragement and hope. And insight. 

There are some things I need to cut back on. I spent the evening watching Church videos to fill up my Youtube recommendations with good things. 

All in all, I feel hopeful. There is lots I need to work on, eating, sleep, thoughts, emotions, etc. But I know I can it, because I know in whom I can rely. My Heavenly Father, my Savior and the Holy Ghost. They are rooting for me. They are reaching for me.

President Benson ended with this quote "We must not lose hope. Hope is an anchor to the souls of men. Satan would have us cast away that anchor. In this way he can bring discouragement and surrender. But we must not lose hope. The Lord is pleased with every effort, even the tiny, daily ones in which we strive to be more like Him. Though we may see that we have far to go on the road to perfection, we must not give up hope."

Then he says "Finally, we must remember that most repentance does not involve sensational or dramatic changes, but rather is a step-by-step, steady, and consistent movement toward godliness."

That was what I needed today. The assurance that I am making the effort. That this effort will pay off.  If I hold on to hope and strive for true repentance daily, I am making "steady and consistent movement toward godliness." 

So can you.

Four years ago was a very, very dark time in my life. I had lost hope, but I turned to my Heavenly Father for help. I had no idea the journey ahead. But I give thanks daily for this program. I marvel at the miracle He has made of my life.

I could not do this without my Godhead.

You can do this too. He is waiting. They are willing.

Like trying to run through water.

I'm moved into my new place. I have a job full time.

And... my depression is back. The anxiety is there too, coming in to make me feel like doom is around the corner.
Being surrounded by boxes to unpack and major decisions to make about where to put everything, is not helping the situation.
I read an article today about how depression is like trying to run through water. It's hard.

I knew I was struggling, but how much didn't hit me until last week.
My sleep schedule is WAY off and I've been staying up late unpacking and then falling asleep after work and then waking up at 9pm and then staying up late... you get the idea.

So I woke up late, again, after staying up late, again, and I got dressed (I'd showered and I had dug through suitcases to find clothes for work). I put on makeup, I did my hair and I put on my coat and I grabbed my keys.
Then I stood at the door. I didn't want to go to work.
And I went into my room and I sent an email that I was sick (because saying "I'm depressed, I can't come into work was a truth I wasn't at yet) and I washed off the makeup, took out my contacts and spent the morning watching videos on Youtube. Then I slept for the afternoon and finally woke up and ran some errands.
That's when I knew, because getting out the door again was not easy.
You would think everything falling into place would cure the depression, not make it worse!
So I'm seeing a doctor next week. I'm so scared this will turn into my last full time job experience, where I lost the job because I didn't show up for a whole month. Really. I think I went in maybe once or twice. My sick leave and holiday pay were both gone and I didn't care. I just didn't get paid.
Depression and my addiction played a huge role in that. But I didn't know I was addicted at the time.

That day, I listened to Elder Holland's talk "Like a Broken Vessel" over and over again.
I've prayed.
And I'm trying to see the good things I do.
Like yesterday, I got my living room pretty much unpacked. Even though that meant more boxes in the other rooms, I tried to focus on the good that I'd done. I have a place to sit! I put up a bookcase!

I also learned of a change I need to make for both depression and recovery.
That night, as I cleaned, I was listening to October Conference talks. Then Elder Quentin L. Cook's Priesthood Session talk came on. Now I'm not a huge fan of Elder Cook, so I was only half listening.
Then he said this: "A wonderful example of the need for moderation, balance, and wisdom is the use of the Internet...As Brother Randall L. Ridd poignantly taught at the last general conference, speaking of the Internet, “You can get caught up in endless loops of triviality that waste your time and degrade your potential.”

Metaphorical hand to the back of my head.
I've been struggling with triggers and temptations. And one thing that's contributed to it is what I've been wasting my time on. Youtube has some interesting channels about films and Top 10 lists and I've been watching them, but yesterday, one of them got really bad. Again. They will show the complete scene from a film. And I kept watching.
Well, then I was struggling with the memory of that scene the rest of the day. Stupid, stupid decision.

When Elder Cook spoke those words "endless loops of triviality" I realized that I was doing that exactly!
I know part of it my depression. But I should be watching better videos. Like the Bible Videos. :)

I have felt temptation a lot more.
The other day, as I was shopping for muffin tins, I passed by the book section and I just wanted to go read a romance novel! My mind was literally saying "go read it, it will help." ha ha ha ha.
I haven't had thoughts like that in a long time. I mean, more than fleeting ones.

I'll make it, though. I have the Lord on my side. I just have to do my part.
Today in Relief Society, the lesson was Elder Christofferson's talk on Agency and he pointed out that repentance is self-will. The Lord will help us heal and forgive us, but we have to make the choice to repent!
I know that He guides us to that point. He won't make us change, but He keeps reaching out to us to help us, knowing that we will turn to Him. What a lovely thought.

One other contributor is that I've missed group for a month. I didn't go one night because I was tired, then I went home to get packed and then I was moving and then... well, it is being felt.
So I'm thinking of going to a general ARP meeting tonight. I feel like I need it.
Even a phone in one... just a meeting.

The good news is that:
Today I went to Church.
Today I can trust my Heavenly Father.
Today I can fast for help.

Today I can do little things and appreciate that I can do something.