Life is the good and the bad.

It's been almost a month since my last blog post and now I'm struggling with my addiction and with life!
Ha ha.
Due to the holiday season and the fact that my group meets on Friday, I haven't been able to attend PASG for a couple weeks. And lately, I've been struggling with triggers, fantasies, thoughts (oh my word, the thoughts) and the desire to escape. I finally got to attend group a couple weeks ago, but missed the next one because it was the same night as my Ward Christmas Party and... I wasn't feeling well. I spaced it.
I've been so lonely and that is triggering memories and thoughts and ... ugh.
My crush is back at work, with his girlfriend.
And in three weeks, I may not have a job. I may be moving home. I have bills that need to be paid.

I realized part of the problem is that I don't have a space of my own. They've moved me at work to someone else's desk. So my things are in a box.
I have my room at "my" apartment, but being stuck in my room all night is not cool. I still don't feel like I belong or that this is my place. I just rent a room.

Anxiety is constantly there, waiting to erupt.
I've gotten three rejection letters this week.

So, after my last interview of the year last week, capping off a week of headaches and heartaches and panic attacks, I think my body just gave out. I think the headaches are from my new contacts (yay) and I... feel out of alignment. Out of sync. I don't know how else to describe it. I don't feel like myself.
When I woke up with a huge headache, I took Friday off of work and watched corny Christmas movies on TV, but the commercials! Oh my word! The commercials on daytime TV are insane! Sexual and just icky.
Which just added to my triggers, which has started to include the desire to masturbate. Haven't had that desire in a long time!

Loneliness is right there too. Just tonight I was following up on a show I used to watch (it started looking up a character on a film my roommate was watching, which is not Sunday appropriate, so I shouldn't have been watching it in the first place)... anyway, so I was looking up this show and there were a couple clips of the main couple kissing.
Trigger? It triggered emotions in me.
I wanted to keep watching it so bad and I wanted to watch the other clips, but luckily, I realized that was a step on a slippery slope and I couldn't go there. I didn't want to go there. Well, I did, but I knew it wouldn't end well.
But that's pretty much every day now.
And I've made some really stupid choices in what I read (who knew Dear Abby and other advice columns would be so sexual?) during the day that I've triggered these thoughts. So I need to keep my Sabbath day special and spiritual.

And every day I fight off panic attacks and nausea and fainting. It's so "fun." So I'm trying to figure out what is going on. I know part of it is that my spirit, body, mind, etc., just can't take it anymore. It's been three months of stress and sadness and worry.
I'm so tired. Plus, being the Christmas season, my sugar intake has increased which is also not helping. Ugh.

So even with the news that things should be alright (I find out definitely tomorrow) job wise, I'm not feeling it.
Basically, I can't feel it right now.

Usually, when I have triggers this bad, it means I need to work on the ARP program. At the same time, I don't feel like I'm working recovery.
I feel low.

Still, I know that things will be okay. This won't last forever. I do have to keep trying and keep striving.

There's a quote on my wall a friend in recovery gave me a long time ago.
"We Can Do Hard Things."

I don't want you to think that I'm awful. I still laugh. Life has hard moments, but beautiful and good moments too. I thank my Heavenly Father for the good moments. He is with me.

D&C 133:45

For since the beginning of the world have not men heard nor perceived by the ear, neither hath any eye seen, O God, besides thee, how great things thou hast prepared for him that waiteth for thee.

I'm finding joy in Christmas. I've gone to the temple, which has helped. I know there is light ahead. I just have to keep going toward it. And work on Step 11. Maybe just answer one question tonight. I can do that much.

When I'm afraid

A blog post with the details of the past month is coming... hopefully tomorrow.

Needless to say, it's been really hard.

Then, the other night at a particularly dark, scary moment, this song came on the radio. Twice. Really. It was in the middle of a bunch of songs on my local Christian radio. I had heard it, cried, then switched stations and it came on again not five minutes later!

Heavenly Father knew I needed that message right at that moment.

It's one of my favorite songs now.

The world is so broken and sometimes it leaves you cold.
And at times you can't feel the fire to guide you home.
The demons will haunt you and try to steal what you know.
But the angels, they brought you, and they're gonna hold you up.
They're gonna hold you up.

They see the fear in your eyes, heart sinks like a stone.
'Cause when you're afraid, it weighs on your soul.

Our Heavenly Father and Savior do know us. They know me. They will hold me up.

It's less of a boulder and more like a towering wall.

You know that quote by President Monson that says the future is as bright as your faith?
My faith is pretty dim right now. So what does that mean?
I am struggling. Not with my addiction, but with life.

I feel as though I was going along the path, seeing the sights ahead, confident in where I was going and then the Lord dropped a huge wall (think Mordor's gates in LOTR) that stretches in both directions for a long, long way, right down in front of me. I have no idea how to get over the wall. I didn't ask for the wall, but it's there and it scares me.

I didn't get the job.

I didn't get my job.

So I feel like I'm standing there, staring at this unexpected wall and thinking "What the heck do I do now, God?"
Luckily, I can cover for someone else, so I have a job until January. And then... big blank.
It has been rough. I mean, rough. I've cried. I've felt so emotionally exhausted.

After I got the call to tell me, I went in the bathroom and cried. Then I left early, spent some time with a friend trying to process this. I didn't get the job. What am I supposed to do now?
And then I drove home to just escape. I got a blessing which was good and I am trying to hold onto the promises in that blessing. One thing I was told was to put the Lord in my heart. Which I do need to work on. My prayers were getting a bit rote.
Then I went to the temple, because that was also in the blessing. But the problem was... I am MAD.
I am furious!
Not at God, but at those involved in this process. It's a long story. So if I wasn't listening to a book, or music or watching TV, then I was thinking about this and getting more and more angry.
My trip to the temple was... ok. I wasn't concentrating, I was thinking about this situation and being mad and then triggering because my mind was trying to deal with my anger and the constant worry that I had no idea what was going to happen next.
The Relief Society lesson was on Prayer. Ok. So I'm working on that. Sincere prayer. Constant prayer.
And part of me was ready to move home right then. I was done with new. I wanted old. (barring the whole "no jobs" there conundrum).

I've been tired and depressed and the negative self talk has been constant.
I'm not good at anything. I won't get a job again because I can't do anything useful. I have no skills. No one wants to be my friend because I'm a horrible awful person. Etc and so forth.
NOT TRUE!
But Satan likes to attack us when we're down.
Being tired didn't help. I was making plans and those plans have changed and... what happens next?
No apartment for myself, which I was really looking forward to. No pets (which has been really really hard) right now.

I went to Group tonight and we were on Step 4. I realized that I haven't been doing Step 10. I haven't been reviewing my day with the Lord at night. I haven't been working on my Steps. I need to write in my journal (literally the Spirit was tapping me on the head while we were reading).

I love Group. I love the reminders I get every time I go. And I get hugs. :)
So I've applied for jobs. I paid my tithing. I'm going to the temple tomorrow.
Then, while I was sharing, I thought of the tender mercies the Lord gave me this week.
The Christian songs that came on the radio at my darkest moments with a message I needed right then (He Knows by Jeremy Camp). The hugs and encouragement from friends and co-workers (seriously, I've gotten three emails this week with job opportunities from co-workers and friends). The scriptures that I looked up that give me hope. The strength I've felt while I pray.

Just tonight, as I was typing this, I am listening to my youtube playlist of Christian music and Carry Me by Josh Wilson comes on. That is exactly how I feel. I need to know that God is with me. I need Him to carry me.

Somehow it will be alright. I have to hold onto that promise.  The Lord said in my blessing that doors would open. My faith is enough that I will believe that. Or at least keep trying until I see those doors.

I also highly recommend The Honest Guys channel on Youtube. I am listening to "Releasing Anger" every night. It is helping.

Finally, here is a song that I love, love right now.

Sometimes the world has just gone dark.
Sometimes you're praying for a spark.
Right now it feels so hard to breathe.
Right now you're asking "God, why me?"
That's what you can see right now.

There's a bigger view than what you can see right now.

But if you lift your eyes.
See it in a different light.
Just a cloud up in the open sky.
Let the rain fall away 'cause today is beautiful!

So I'm going to stop banging on the huge wall and lift my eyes up to my Heavenly Father and ask for help.
Turn this over to Him. And try to have faith that because He sees over the horizon and around the bend, He will lead me where I need to go.

He knows.

Today's lesson in Sunday School was in Isaiah. I love Isaiah! I love the promises from the Lord recorded by this prophet. Yes, I struggle to understand him, but the beauty of the language touches my heart.
As I've been reading these verses this week, Heavenly Father has spoken to me and given me comfort.
October was a rough, rough month, but it's getting better. I've had some great experiences going to visit friends and family. I still need to work on triggers from my family, well, because of my family. There are some unresolved issues there that I need to deal with.

And the good news is, within the next week, I will know about my job, finally! It's still nerve wracking, because I don't know what will happen.
Today I was reading the Ensign during church. I'm still trying to catch up on the October edition. Anyway, it was an article that talked about being single and the author quoted Elder Scott talking about compensatory blessings. That resonated with me.
Back when I was deep in my addiction, I was miserable and I saw the withholding of what I wanted as punishment from God. I see now that He is sending compensatory blessings for me when I don't get what I want. I'm still being blessed in good ways. Numerous ways.

I finally got to attend group and it was wonderful! It continually amazes me of the miracle God has performed in my life through the ARP program. This week thoughts and images and memories have been bombarding me! It's been a real struggle to give them to Heavenly Father. It's been a struggle not to feel shame, but I know I can get through these moments, if I turn to my Heavenly Father.

And as we read Isaiah 53:3-7, I remembered that my Savior knows. He knows about temptations and triggers. He knows my sorrow and struggles. He knows my doubts and fears.
I've been really struggling with sleep lately. As in getting to bed at a good time and getting up on time. It's been a lifelong struggle, actually. So I fasted about it today. I also have my own plans on how to help. Starting with setting an alarm at night to help me remember to get ready for bed.
Like recovery, I can't wait on the Lord to change me. I have to work at it as well. And keep going, even when I fail or struggle or want to give up.

But He knows me and He will help me. He loves me. He loves you.
Today in Sunday School we read Isaiah 53:6:
"All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way;"

In my manual, by Step 1, I wrote down these words from Peter and reading that verse made me think of this one, 1 Peter 2:25:
For ye were as sheep going astray; but are now returned unto the Shepherd and Bishop of your souls.

We have gone astray, but the Shepherd of our souls wants us to return to Him.

One month. 30 days.

First off, this title is just because it's been exactly a month since I posted and I have no idea what else to title this blog.
I've been meaning to post every week, but something happens or I'm too tired, etc.
It's been a whirlwind month.
I've only been to group once and while it was a great experience, I feel the lack of a weekly boost. It's harder to control my thoughts and the inappropriate ones loom quicker and larger. They are harder to get rid of and turn over to Heavenly Father.

I could write on and on, but suffice it to say, the last 30 days have been hard and just... a lot. Addiction, personal, family, work, emotional, spiritual issues - all of that. Like I'm trying to find secure ground and, when I think I have, it turns to slate and I struggle to stay standing. I get nice breaks where I can escape and just enjoy myself, and then it's back to life again.
I don't want to make this sound like I'm doing horribly.
I laugh, I smile, I see the beauty in each day. I find the tender mercies. I pray, I study (still need to work on Step 11), and I try to keep a prayer in my heart.
But I feel tired some days. I feel overwhelmed. I feel alone.
Yesterday, it all hit me. A huge, unexpected bill, an anniversary of leaving a place I loved and that I miss every day and I found myself crying and then I kneeled on my bed and put my head on the shoulder of the painting of Christ I have hanging above my bed. It wasn't completely comforting, but it helped. I wish He could hug me for real.

Hopefully, the next couple weeks will bring some answers and stability.
Heavenly Father is still answering my prayers and I find that if I do my part, then He helps me finish the task.

I'd like to share one of my favorite musicians. And one of my favorite songs. It's a theme song of sorts.

Wounded head you will be fine
Your weary legs will hold you in time

D&C 6:36
Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not

I'm trying.

I get back up again.

I haven't been working Step 10.
I'm on Step 11, but I still need to be working Step 10. It's been a whirlwind time.
Things with the stupid crush did not resolve themselves, but considering that he just left work for a long time, without saying good bye, pretty much shows me where I stand.
I am worth more than that.
So I'm going to have a little fire, in a fire safe zone, and say goodbye and move on.

Starting with Step 10. I haven't been making a schedule. I haven't been caring for myself physically, spiritually or emotionally. I've been depressed.
So, here on this blog, I'm going to start changing that. I'm going to Institute (which I did last week. I wasn't impressed, but I'm going to try again or find another one). I'm going to find something creative, like singing or writing, to do one night a week. I'm going to go to the temple more often.

I realized this because I've been struggling with thoughts, temptations and triggers this past week. That's a sure sign I am not working recovery fully.
I've been slacking in my scripture study. Not reading a lot and letting 1 or 2 verses count.
They don't.

It's not just a boy. I'm feeling a little lost. The job might be ending soon. I'm not where I want to be professionally or personally and I struggle with that. There's trials for my family and friends.
But each day is a new day. I can try again. So I'm going to. Starting tonight with getting to bed at a decent hour.

I press forward in the hope that there is happiness ahead. Better happiness. I choose to be happy today. To do my best and let God do His part.
That's all we can do, isn't it?

This I know, God is for me.

Straws and camels

My heart was heavily dented last week.
Long story short, my crush decided, after two weeks of putting me off, to confess that he was actually "kinda" dating someone else. And... ugh it's a long story. It ends with a battered heart.

At that moment when this landed on me, I think the last few months, so precariously balanced in my heart, body, and mind, broke and fell. I cried in the bathroom at work. I came home, vented to my roommate, and cried some more. I went for a walk. I was furious, I was mad, I was weak, I was frail, I was hurt, I was stunned, I was sad, I was heartbroken.  I kneeled for prayers that night and sobbed and cried harder than I have in months. Why. Why. Why. Why did this have to happen. Why did it have to hurt so much.
I also printed off his picture and went to a construction site and burned it. I listened to "Forget You." That felt good.
Part of me didn't want to go to group, but I knew I needed to go.
As I was driving there, and thinking about him and overanalyzing, the thought came that he wouldn't want me, because I'm an addict.
But then I thought... No, I am not just an addict. I am awesome! I am more than my addiction.

Group was just what I needed that night. I love that program so much. I am so glad I went.

Then the panic attacks started the next morning. I knew it wasn't just him. It was the past few months and yesterday. I was a camel and I'd had my last straw.
I really wanted to just sit home and cry that day, but I didn't. I kept busy. I went out with friends. I went to the temple, which was good. One worker told me that the people I was doing the work for would find me and thank me one day. I felt needed.
I even got to sit in the celestial room and pray.
I went out for yogurt, even though I was ill and panicky. I breathed.
Sunday I went and met with my Bishop. I told him about my addiction. We talked. I got a blessing. Then I came home and slept and only attended part of church because I felt so panicky and ill. Not fun.

It's hard. Part of me is embarrassed for what happened. Misread signals? I don't know. My confidence took a huge hit. Ugh. It's such a struggle. Also, my little abused girl keeps coming up, the "please love me, if I do this, will you love me?" aspect of me. And my obsessive thinking keeps kicking in. So helpful. My emotions are still all over the place. Let's just say the boy left things kinda up in the air.
I'm working on turning all this over to my Heavenly Father. I move forward. I strive. I try not to yield.
I need a punching bag.

So I acknowledge my feelings. I acknowledge my failings. I listen to Conference talks. I read the scriptures. I am working on Step 11. I have these meditations on Healing and Banishing Depression (or thoughts), so I'm doing those as well. I still struggle. Part of me just wants to sit and play Candy Crush all day. And sometimes I do that and then I snap out of it and go do something else.

I will get through this. I will move forward. It won't be forever. I will go for walks or go swimming instead of eating the pound of fudge in my house. I will have a bit of the fudge.
I will go to work, I will do my best to work hard. I will turn my life over to the Lord. No, I'm not perfect at this.
I will be honest. I've fantasied a bit about having a boyfriend when I see this guy next. I've imagined conversations. I've been hurt and angry. Memories, triggers and temptations have been around a lot and it is soooooo tempting to give in. I know it would be a relief, yet I know that relief would only last for a second and then the guilt would overwhelm me and it's not worth that.

So, I don't know what is going to happen. I know I will make it. I have Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost on my side.

I don't know how to do this.

I have a crush on a guy.
I'm struggling with this.
I have had one boyfriend in my life. When I was 16. It lasted for the summer and ended dramatically and I went all Marianne in Sense and Sensibility, and acted just like a teenager with a broken heart. I moped, I cried, I wrote horrible poetry. There are whole swaths of my journal I can't read now because it's still rather painful and juvenile. I even wrote down what he wore.

In the intervening years there have been guys, oh so many, and more heartbreak and dates that never called again, of telling a guy I liked him and never hearing from him again. Of me trying to be what they wanted and then finally just being myself, but still being alone.

Flash forward 20 years and I still feel like that 16 year old who wonders what she's doing wrong. I've read books. I've asked friends. I've examined myself and made changes. I've prayed.

Truth: I have no idea how to have a relationship. How to start a relationship.
For most of my life, my knowledge of relationships, about "love," came from written pornography and romantic comedies. Not exactly accurate.
I created entire relationships in my head and then got mad when he didn't do what I thought he should. When he probably had no idea I even liked him. I've gotten to the point where I can recognize Limerence and love and lust and fantasy and see where I am. But I still feel deeply.

I find myself doing this again. Right now.
The last week has been up and down and happy and depressingly morose. I've cried. I've hurt.
And I think, it shouldn't be this hard! Is it me? Am I making more out of a... friendship than is there?
I asked my crush out. And he said yes and then I haven't heard anything from him since. Augh. I like him. I really like him. Apparently, he doesn't have a clue. I think he should react a certain way and when he doesn't, I'm sad because to me it means he doesn't care.

I've talked with friends and roomies and family. I feel good for a bit, but then something happens and I'm plunged into depression. I think he knows and yet he isn't reacting the way I think that he would... ?
My roommate says I have a fear of rejection and I think it's a part of what is going on, but I don't know what to do with that information. How do you tell yourself "Quit feeling this." Or "stop feeling so deeply."

This is exactly why I say I am perfectly happy single. I'm a sex addict and I am scared of relationships. I am scared that I can't do it in the proper way (?) whatever that means. Basically, I feel like I'm still 16. Trying to make sense of boys and my own emotions. Dealing with the fear that I'm overreacting (and no one wants that) and then wondering how to halt those crazy moments. Added into the fear that he will find out about me, my addiction, and turn away. Which is foolish to think, when he doesn't even know much else about me. It's not like I'm going to blurt it out on the first date. If we even get to that point.

I know enough to know that the emotions I'm feeling right now are not just about a boy. My cats have been sick. More changes at work. I'm moving positions again. Yes, I've only been there two months and I've moved twice. Today was hard. It was lonely and new and... difficult.
And I think "I need boy drama like I need a broken leg." I pray and tell Heavenly Father that I am not cool with this. I ask Him what purpose this serves. I tell myself that this too will end in tears. I wonder if the difficulty means I'm doing something faulty. A sign that it's wrong.
The deep, deep fear of being hurt again. And then being hurt anyway.

I am sore afraid. I'm stuck between wanting a... let's just go with date. I want a date. Yet, I'm scared of the outcome. Any outcome. Fear. Fear. Fear. Fear.

Sigh.

Romans 5:1-4
Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ:

By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.

And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;

And patience, experience; and experience, hope:

I'm working on the glory part. 

All I can do is keep moving forward. Attend group. Study the scriptures. Pray. Turn all this over to Heavenly Father and hope that someday this will make sense. I will see what I learned from this experience.

In the meantime, I'll try not to stalk anyone on Facebook...

Sometimes I ask "why"

You're probably reading this thinking I ask "Why do I have this addiction," but you would be incorrect.

I'm kinda over that. For today, at least.

In the past few weeks, I've lost good friends and a dear relative to death. There was some employment drama with the news that my job was going to end wayyy earlier than thought (long story) and so I was facing unemployment after moving a month ago.
Stress. Stress. Stress.

Plus, I have yet another crush/limerence on a friend and it is driving me crazy.
Part of me secretly hoped that if this whole marriage thing ever happens it would involve less mind games and me doubting myself. As in an angelic manifestation. Or the man just walking up and asking me out. To know that he is interested. I hate crushes. It's not fun. It's not exciting. It's brought up feeling of incompetence and worry about how will I ever tell someone that I love that I have an addiction. As well as the whole "what is wrong with me" issues when he doesn't seem interested.

Monday it all just hit me. The loss, the grief, the worries, the doubts and the frustration. All capped by a former good friend sending me a bitter message implying that I had caused their mental breakdown simply by reaching out to say hi.
All I wanted to be was anywhere else but here.
So I came home and cried. And cried. And cried.

The week didn't get any easier. And I found myself asking "why." Why do I have to have a crush. Why is this happening? So when I found myself playing the comparison game, I checked myself. I usually don't do that, so I knew I needed to look at myself and get to the bottom of the emotional bucket, as it were.

In the past two months I have been through a lot. Emotionally, physically, mentally and emotionally.
Big, huge changes. Heartbreak and loss. Adjusting. Worry. The heat!
Plus, the loneliness. I don't have a lot of friends where I live yet and I feel that lack.

Then came group night and I tried to make some excuses, but I went. It was where I needed to be. It was a lot better than last time and I'm fairly sure I went way over my time, but I needed to talk. It helped tons. This is longest I've gone between meetings since I started recovery. I need to go.
So I'm going next week.
I'm also exercising every day, as much as I can. I'm reaching out in my ward (still need to meet with my Bishop to introduce myself), finding activities to join in locally, and I'm going to start going to SA  (Single Adult) stuff (scary), and trying to keep turning all this over to the Lord. Every moment or hour it takes.

So I'll make it. I'll make it with God at my side.


One last note. Monday, as I lay on my bed with tears streaming down my face, this song came on...
thank you, Heavenly Father, for the tender mercy.

Wrong Roads?

So I haven't been going to PASG regularly.
My first group, the one closest to me, was... odd. I even emailed the ARP Mission leader about some of my concerns and received a polite, but firm answer that things would not change. That kinda hurt.
So I tried another group, farther away and didn't feel a connection.
I really, really miss my old PASG group. I've gone to PASG twice in the month I've been here. I haven't been working on Step 11, but I've been reading my scriptures, praying, going to church, listening to conference, etc. I know I need to get back in the habit of going to meetings again, though.

The ward is nice, but I don't feel like I belong yet. I keep telling myself it has only been a couple of weeks. I have to give myself time.
Then, I got news this last week that my life is about to change again, in a big way again and so my thoughts and emotions have been in turmoil this whole weekend.
Switching from a "What the heck, Lord?" to worry about the future and what is going to happen. And sometimes all those emotions at once. Mingled with the occasional feeling of peace that all will be well. Would like more of those moments. ha ha.

I know that part of the down feeling today is due to the upheaval that I'm going through again. The possibility of having to move again in less than a month when I just moved.
I feel like I was walking, exploring this new opportunity and saw a sign that said "Cliff straight ahead," in a place where I wasn't expecting a sign and now I'm scrambling to find an alternate path before I get to the drop off. Today was a rough day emotionally. Gah emotions! I think I need a good cry.

But ahead I must move. I'm looking for ways to serve people and get outside myself.
Also, I'm working on scheduling my days and getting good sleep. Still working on that, but I hope if I keep doing all that I can, that the Lord will step in and help me.

I may have posted this video before... too bad. Listen to it again.
Every day, I get back up again. My Heavenly Father is calling.

New is hard.

Hi! I haven't disappeared.

It's been a month since my life changed rather suddenly.
This past month has been good and lovely and full of blessings... and hard and sad.

The job is still good. It's the rest of it. Balancing a new work schedule with a commute! Learning to live with someone. I haven't had roommates in years. A new ward. A new culture. A new ARP program.
That's been the hardest. I've only been able to attend one. I actually missed it this last week too, which is not a good thing.

New is hard. And while the first week of work was great and life was good, these past couple of weeks I've struggled. I've felt depressed and sad and sometimes a little hopeless. There have been triggers and temptations too. There have been some trials involving money too. One is resolved, one is not. I'm trying to be patient and trust in the Lord.

My computer died (another reason I haven't been blogging) and I got a new one. And I don't have K9 on it. And it is soooo tempting. I put my own K9 on it, which means I have the password. I'm not sure if that's going to work or not. We shall see. If not, I'll have to find someone that can do it for me. The main problem is time spent on the computer, i.e., staying up until 1am, but having to take steps to access a website or turn the wifi back on after hours involves some work, so it's nice to have the reminder. Sometimes I actually obey it!

I'm reminded that life is not just addiction. When I started recovery, I foolishly thought that all my trials and temptations would only be about my addiction. But I am more than an addict and my trials reflect that.

So I'm trying to work on Step 11. I was going to do it today, but I'm running out of time.
I know I need to make more time for the Lord. I'm back to praying on my commute and at night I'm usually so tired that I can barely keep my eyes open.
Also working on a daily schedule of specific things to do morning and night and times to do them.
Sleep and getting up on time is still a problem.
This has been a struggle in faith because I have always been a night owl and I am horrible at getting up on time.
So I'm trying to do as much as I can do to resolve this, to do research and write down goals and then see if the Lord will help me.
I'm hoping so.

My heart is full of gratitude for my Heavenly Father, my Savior and the Holy Ghost.
They are fighting for each and every one of us. I know that.
They are helping me fight this fight. They will not leave me.

Psalms 150:6
Let everything that hath breath praise the Lord. Praise ye the Lord.

A brief hi.

New job is awesome.
I found a place to live in just a couple of days.

There is a lot to talk about, but I don't have time. I need my sleep.
God has been there for me.
Really. It's a miracle for me.

So here is a song I love. It's my testimony.
It's how I've been feeling lately. I've been praying and searching for God and Jesus a lot lately.
And They have been there.
Wow.

He has healed me. He keeps healing me. I stand all amazed.
He found me in the hurricane. He keeps finding me, because the craziness that is my life hasn't ended.

I will write more later, because there is a lot to write.
I am full of gratitude for my Savior and my Heavenly Father.


2 Thessalonians 3:16
Now the Lord of peace himself give you peace always by all means. The Lord be with you all.

Unexpected road ahead.

In my last blog post, you might remember that I mentioned a potentially life-changing thing?

Well, it happened.
I'm moving out of state and I have less than two weeks to do it!
Augh!

I'm trying to trust in Heavenly Father.
I have a lot of doubts about me and this future that unexpectedly appeared, but I also told Him that His will be done. And I have to keep my word. Darn it. ;)

Honestly, part of me is sad, because this wasn't what I hoped for, deep, deep down inside. Still, it's a good change. A scary, huge change, but a good one.

I'm not sure how much I'll be able to blog as I try to quickly pack and move and find a place to live. I feel like I'm being suddenly thrust back into a grownup world. I mean, I've lived here before, but living at home is definitely different! Lots of fears are trying to crowd in, but I got a blessing and I try to recognize when the thoughts aren't from Heavenly Father. Either way, I'm pressing forward

See you on the other side?
Wish me luck.

I think He did.

Up, down and all around

The last week of April was good. I've been feeling okay with things. Not great. Not amazing, just good.
And then Friday came.
I was excited because I'd just checked out a book I'd been interested in reading. It was set in the past, it was a British author, and it had a cool plot. What could go wrong?
So, while waiting on a client, I pulled it out to read.
10 pages in was a sex scene.
Gah. Seriously?
I didn't want to quit reading the book, so I skipped ahead and then went back thinking I might have missed a plot point.
And then I thought WHAT THE HECK am I going back for? Seriously stupid.
I caught myself. I know the Spirit helped.
It's not worth it.

I closed the book. I prayed. I texted my support person. I pulled out my iPod, but the battery was dead! Darn it. So I went for a walk. Prayed some more. I then came back, placed the book at the other end of the couch and pulled out my e-reader to read Step 11. Texted with my support person and then took that book back to the library as soon as I could.
But that meant I was triggering for the rest of the day. Ugh, so not worth it.
Now I'm reading Victorian authors again. Sigh. Stupid books.

At the same time, it was a neat experience… because I stopped! I recoiled, literally. I could have had a slip and the Spirit helped me stop.
YAY! and then boo for stupid books.

Saturday I went to the local ARP conference. It was really great.
My favorite class was on Family Dis-ease and about how emotionally unhealthy families breed addicts.
Hello to my childhood. So I got some great notes on how to avoid that in my future.
There was also a class on the addict brain, and, my other favorite, crying out to Jesus in the time of need.
The presenter, a recovering addict, talked about how emotions just are. They are neither good or bad, but we still have to deal with them. I know this is true. To get away from the unpleasant emotions, like anger and sadness, I turned to my addiction. Until I had to use my addiction to numb the nice emotions!
So even when I feel sad, I try to remember that at least I am feeling. And I cry out to Jesus for help.

So after a nice, mostly spiritual weekend, I got hit with a user dream Monday when I fell asleep on the couch. The worst I've had in a long time. It was so hard to wake up, because the addict part of me wanted to stay asleep. To stay in the dream. I had to tell myself wake up.
More texting to my support person (rather glad I got one).

Luckily, the rest of the week has been better. God has answered my prayers in many ways. I still struggle with depression about life, but I'm trying to move forward.  To check something off my to-do list every day.

A potentially life-changing event is happening tomorrow. I'm stepping back and letting the Lord direct me where He wants me to go.

I'm still working on Step 11. Today I've been hungry and tired, so I didn't work on it, but I do plan on working on it tonight before bed.
I've been reading the scriptures from Step 11 and I found one that really touched me.

Ether 12:41
And now, I would commend you to seek this Jesus of whom the prophets and apostles have written, that the grace of God the Father, and also the Lord Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost, which beareth record of them, may be and abide in you forever.
For so long, I sought my addiction, I fed my character weaknesses. Now, as I seek Jesus, God and the Holy Ghost, I have grace in me forever. Isn't that an amazing promise?
I hope I can continue to have that grace.

How does He do that?

Last week was rough. Wednesday and  Thursday were really low days and I was so, so, so grateful for PASG! We were on Step 6 and, as always, the Spirit teaches me something every week on every step.

But, Thursday was another low day. I was tired, I was sad.  There were all these sad news stories I was reading. That tragic ferry sinking in South Korea, etc. There's always bad news out there.
I was so tired and depressed. I forgot to mention I'd let two people down by falling asleep and missing two appointments the day before. So I felt like I was letting EVERYONE down (not true) and that my life had no meaning! (also not true).

I planned to go to the temple that night, but I started making excuses about being tired, not being ready, etc.
Still, I decided to go.
I needed to go. And I am glad I did! I left feeling loved and uplifted and happy.
I love the temple.

Plus, I learned something.

We all know the story of Adam, Eve and the forbidden fruit. I noticed in Genesis that Satan tells Eve that it is necessary to eat the fruit because she needs knowledge.
He does that to me today too.
Telling me I needed to read those books to "know what to expect." Or "how to act."
Ha ha ha ha.
Obviously, these are lies. I didn't need any of that "knowledge." Satan LIES!!!

Heavenly Father is a God of Truth.
I love this gospel and I loved Easter weekend.
I love Easter hymns! To celebrate the resurrection of my Savior that allows me to conquer death.
To conquer this addiction. And all those lovely character weaknesses.

I wish I could say that life has been great since then, but it is still hard.
Still tired of my job. And feeling down about a lot of things, like life. I do sometimes feel very stuck and off the path I should be on. Ha.
Today, especially. Tears feel very near for some reason. I'm feeling very emotional.
Still, I am praying for help.
"Even if it's just to speak His name..."

Sanctus Real "Pray"

Plus, I think I'm getting sick... which is not cool!

So I'm giving all this up to Heavenly Father.

In hopes that I'll receive strength to keep going.

There is good news! Monday night I read Step 11! I'm actually starting on this step!

YAY!
This weekend there is an ARP workshop! I'm so excited to go. It will be a lot of fun and I'm hoping to learn a lot.

In the meantime, my plan is to get some sleep.
I found this chapter the other day and I love this passage:

Lamentations 3
31 For the Lord will not cast off for ever:
32 But though he cause grief, yet will he have compassion according to the multitude of his mercies.
33 For he doth not afflict willingly nor grieve the children of men.

Just…. augh.

I think I posted the amazing Building 429 song "Press On."
That's how I'm feeling today. I feel a mess. I feel:
angry
sad
frustrated
lost
broken
fearful

But mostly FED UP.

So tired of filling out job applications. So tired of going to work. So tired.
Last night I listened to Elder Holland's talk "Lord, I Believe"

So that's the prayer in my heart. I really feel like that father.

Mark 9:22-24

And ofttimes it hath cast him into the fire, and into the waters, to destroy him: but if thou canst do any thing, have compassion on us, and help us.
Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth.
And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.

Help me make it a little farther today.

Step 4 redo.

It's not a real redo. It's a realization.

Remember how last week I wrote how I flipped out on my family? Shame and anger and hurt all were there. And I couldn't figure out WHY. I was feeling so many emotions.
I struggled to know if it was my addict striving to get out, or, as I see now, just natural-woman me dealing with life.

I knew I needed to sit down and write it out. Analyze my feelings, but I wasn't sure if it would work or if I would do it in a way that was helpful. Not just whinging on paper, but actually learning and overcoming from what happened. Because, as I said before, I don't want to be my dad, the person no one likes to be around at family things because you're grumpy.

So Wednesday night was PASG and we were reading Step 4.
My only reviews of Step 4 are when we read the step in PASG.
One thing I love about group is how Heavenly Father uses that week's step to talk to me. No matter what step, there is always something I learn each week, thanks to the Spirit.

So we started reading Step 4 and we get to the section about how to write an inventory, the manual suggests taking each memory and then breaking it down through writing:

Incident. What happened? In just a few words, give a short description of your memory of the event. Think more in terms of a summary rather than a long story.
Effect. What was the effect on you or others?
Feelings. What were your feelings at the time of the incident? What are your feelings now about it? Consider how your fears may have contributed to it.
Self-examination. How did your character weaknesses or strengths affect the situation? Do you see any evidence of pride, self-pity, self-deception, or self-will in your attitudes and actions? Be sure to record also those times when you acted right.
The Holy Ghost can help you humble yourself and face the truth, even if the truth is painful. With the help of the Lord, you can recognize your strengths and weaknesses (see Ether 12:27). Questions like these may help:

• What outcome did I want in this situation and why?
  
• How did I try to control the situation?
  
• Was it any of my business?
  
• What actions did I take or omit to get what I wanted?
  
• Did I ignore reality?
  
• Were my expectations reasonable for myself and for others?
  
• Did I lie to myself or to others?
  
• Did I ignore the feelings of others and think only of myself?
  
• How did I act like a victim to control others, get attention and sympathy, be special, and so on?
  
• Did I resist help from God and others?
  
• Did I insist on being right?
  
• Did I feel slighted for lack of recognition or acknowledgment? 

Inspired counsel. What counsel does the Lord give concerning this incident? Remember you have nothing to fear as you submit to the Savior. You are here to learn good from evil, and the Savior can help you forgive yourself and others. Record your thoughts and impressions as you consider inspired counsel from the scriptures and from Church leaders. 

Bam! Lightning to my brain. That's what I needed to do. I needed to take that situation and write it out!
I realize that Step 4 is not just a one time step. I know that I need to review each day, but that night I realized that the step gives me tools for when I need to analyze emotions and situations. It was really, really neat.
So I'm working that this weekend.

Also, GENERAL CONFERENCE! I have a challenge for you (and me). I'm going to kneel and pray before each session and ask the Lord what He wants me to learn and to help me learn it.
I did it for my first general conference in recovery. Three years ago exactly. It was an awesome experience, even the music sung sent a personal message to me.

I hope it does the same for you.

Deuteronomy 4:29
But if from thence thou shalt seek the Lord thy God, thou shalt find him, if thou seek him with all thy heart and with all thy soul.

Emotions, addictions and being the other prodigal

Lesson #1: Missing ARP group makes life harder.
I've missed PASG for two weeks in a row. The first because of a Relief Society activity and the second because I had family in town and I wanted to spend time with them. Both good reasons, but wow, have I felt the loss. The last two days, triggers have been more present and persistent. I've had passages from my written porn days (romance novels) come strongly into remembrance, and take some work and prayer to get them to leave.
Plus, I've been really, really grumpy, grouchy and more addict-like.

Lesson #2: Emotions can be like fishhooks.
It's a line from a film I saw years ago Marvin's Room. In one scene, the mom tells her son that her feelings toward him as like a bowl of fishhooks, so tangled together and confusing that it was easier to not pick them up.
That is how this weekend felt. I couldn't pinpoint one emotion or reason I was feeling what I was feeling.
I yelled at my nephews. I lost my temper. I was grumpy.
I hate it. Because in those moments I feel like my father and I don't want to be like him in any way. So I apologized (at least I can do that now. I'm working at making it sooner rather than later and doing it in person).
And I tried better, but I was feeling angry and upset and sad and hurt and…
EMOTIONAL!

I still need to write it out. Maybe then I can pinpoint why. It wasn't just one reason or scene. It felt like several of them at once.
I struggle to know if I'm being emotionally triggered addict-wise or if this is a genuine emotional issue. I have felt unappreciated and unloved. I've felt lost and alone.

It may be foolish to feel that way, but it is how I've felt. I'm the only single one in my family and sometimes I feel that they treat me like a 19 year old because I'm not married, I don't have kids. Like somehow getting married increases your knowledge and maturity. Even though I'm the oldest sibling!

I struggled to turn this over to Heavenly Father. To let Him replace those feelings with peace, as we are asked to in Step 10. It didn't always work, but I tried. I had no idea that being with my family would have such emotional triggers for me.

So Saturday was really tough emotionally. The Womens meeting helped and then didn't. Because sometimes all I can see if that I don't sew clothes for the poor children in the ward. I don't do family history. Ah, guilt. Hello. Still, the Spirit whispered that I was doing what I could. I fulfill my callings. I strive to be an example and I do serve as a facilitator and support person. All women are not the same. We have different talents and abilities and that's okay.
But that followed with my mom getting upset at something I said and… completely ignoring me for the rest of the evening. I have no idea if this is what happened, but it's the only guess I can make.
Then came Sunday…

I asked for a blessing from my brother. I have been wanting a blessing for a long time. Wondering if I was on the right path and what was going to happen with my life.

I felt worse when the blessing ended than when it began. It started with the cursory "God is aware of you" (how comforting) and when I was hoping for comfort, hope and peace, I got a list of what I was doing wrong. I was told to stop looking toward the past. To be open to opportunities. So I felt like I was being told to do what I thought I was already striving to do. To look forward. Yes, I miss the UK! It's not going away and while I would love to live there again, I've told the Lord that I will go where He wants me. I apply for a job wherever I can find one that sounds like a good opportunity. Basically… I felt like my brother was counseling me through a blessing but without actually talking to me and seeing the reality beforehand.
This has happened the last couple times I've gotten blessings from family. Are they counseling me themselves through the blessing, like I feel they are? Or… I fear that these blessings mean I'm disappointing God somehow.

Then my mother got a beautiful blessing, full of love and care and sweet promises.
I was jealous. I totally had a Prodigal son's brother moment. Because I didn't feel like a beloved daughter of God, I felt like a failure.

I tried listening to Elder Holland's talk The Other Prodigal, which sooo did not help. I felt worse, because I understand the brother. What is wrong with wanting to be appreciated once in a while????!!!!
There's no answer to this question in this blog.

Anyway, due to the moping, I was late to church, which led to me messing up majorly and repeatedly in my calling. At one point, all I wanted was for the floor to open up so I could disappear. All day I was feeling like "what is the point," where I wondered why I was even trying. I was not making a difference. So by the time I headed out to meet the ARP missionaries to do a presentation on the ARP program in a local ward, I was near tears.

How was I supposed to bear my testimony of the power of the Addiction Recovery Program when I felt like I hadn't made any progress at all? Which I know isn't true, but I was so emotional and depressed at the time, all I could think was that I was failing at all of this. Recovery. Life. Church. EVERYTHING.

But I still prayed for the words when I spoke, because the presentation wasn't about me, it was about reaching out to people who need ARP. People like me. I felt the Spirit and I bore my testimony.

It's still been rough emotionally the last couple days and I am tired of it all.
Work. Life. AUGH!

That's why I love this song. I still don't get it all, but I must press on.
With my Savior by my side.

LDS Living article on pornography and women! YES!

So Annette sent this to me the other day and I really did a dance of happiness (in my chair).
LDS Living just posted an article:

Talking to Your Daughter About Pornography

HALLELUJAH!
While I wish that they had mentioned that porn addiction is actually sex addiction, there are so many good things in this article!
Just read it.

I especially love encouraging mothers to set an example for their daughters. I know so often in this world, we make excuses (I still do it too!) for watching, reading or looking at inappropriate stuff. Whether it's a scene in a TV show/film or book, we can't keep saying "it's just that one bad part." We need to set an example for those around us, especially our children or the young people that look up to us.

So I'm saving this article for future use with my children (boys and girls) and my future nieces and nephews.

Seeing a major LDS publication print this. Seeing that people are recognizing its importance, makes me smile. It's a battle we can win!

Whatever I do...

The past month, excluding the great feeling of completely Step 10 (YAY!), has been hard. I've had trouble sleeping, feeling very idle and just overall blah.

There's been a lot of grief in this past month in my ward, in my life, with my friends. I know that grief has been a big part of my sadness.

Then, last Friday, I had a near slip. I'd downloaded a song, a fun 80's pop tune I'd heard that day and remembered I liked and was clean. So I bought it and that night I was playing a game on my phone and listening to it on repeat. Well, then I started imagining singing it with someone famous (I think I've been watching too much Jimmy Fallon) and then, well, I realized that I should stop it, but it took a few prompts to get me to do so.

I lived in a fantasy world almost all day every day, so my brain is programmed to seek it out. It was a struggle and I kneeled and asked for forgiveness in prayer, THEN that night I has an emotional user dream. Meaning, the emotions in the dream triggered me, not the dream itself, as everyone in the dream was dressed in Edwardian clothes. Weird. So I woke up triggering and emotional because of a stupid dream in which I was triggered emotionally. Frustrating!

However, I feel… better. Happier. Nicer.

There are still struggles and triggers and temptations, but I've found as I focus on the Lord, He helps me.

I am working on studying my scriptures daily. On sincere, not-by-rote- prayers daily, hourly, etc. On turning hard moments over to the Lord.

I still have days where I feel I don't succeed. Where I've been grumpy or stubborn or hurtful to others, BUT I can turn those feelings over to my Heavenly Father and He replaces them with calm and peace.

Today's song is one of my favorites. It's what I'm doing now. I'm not losing heart. I'm pushing through the dark.

Josh Wilson Pushing Through the Dark

It's a miracle (and I say this only half joking)

Last night I finished the last question in the Study & Understanding section of Step 10!!!!!

YAY!!!!

I have completed it!

Meaning, I'll keep working on daily inventory, and it needs a lot of work, but I need to move on to Step 11. I've been feeling this for a while.

So, it's taken a year. But Step 10 is DONE!!!!! I am no longer on Step 10! 

Hurrah!

This is totally how I feel right now.

1 Corinthians 15:57
But thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

Why do I keep going?

It's been a really hard few weeks. Yes, February = month of darkness when I was immersed in my addiction almost constantly, so it should be expected. I've mentioned that before, but I think it's always been a hard month.
I treated myself to a nice Valentine's Night involving good food, a good movie and some Olympics. And my kitty-cat valentines. I look for something good in every day.

As for that show, well I'd prayed before about giving up this show because of my crush on the actor. And I felt that it was my choice. So I decided to watch it. Only one episode left, right? And so I watched it and… it was horrible. It's like the writers decided to take this great characters and completely change them. I was so mad! I still am mad! I was up half the night because I was so mad. Augh! Sorry, I tend to get emotionally involved in stories I like and enjoy. Hey, I cry watching Hallmark commercials, so why should a show I watch regularly be any different.

So I picked something else to read.. I vented to friends and family. Today it struck me that God knew this would happen! I smile, because it shows He has a sense of humor. Sure Stacey, watch this show… you won't like it after the next episode anyway. :) ha ha ha.

But I still struggle with the fantasy world. Being really tired means I'm more susceptible to triggers. I know I'm struggling with depression because, well, I don't want to do anything.

I lost a friend recently, which has contributed. It's been a very, very difficult time for me. The loss hit me more than I thought it would. I find myself dealing with anger at the friend for what happened, sadness that I lost that friendship, I miss them, and guilt that I could have done something more for that person. However, I have not been angry at God, which I see as a good sign. The situation has got my brain in escape mode and I have really been struggling with fantasies. Not sexual ones, just the old story world I created. I know that being creative is not evil. It is a gift that I can't use right now because I tend to use it to escape and giving in can lead to lust fantasy.

But I keep going. I work Step 10. Not doing great at it. Definitely not making sure I meet my physical needs. I've written down goals and I'm going to write them down again.
I keep trudging through the darkness in hopes of finding the light. Holding on to the tiny rays of light God sends to get me through each day. He does send hope.
I'm actually feeling, in some ways, better about life than I have before now.

So I keep going with hope that the faint silver lining I glimpse ahead will burst into rains of plenty and I will have that happiness that the Savior promised me.

I love this song and I wanted to share it with you all.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever you would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

Isaiah 43:2-5

2 When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.

3 For I am the Lord thy God, the Holy One of Israel, thy Saviour: I gave Egypt for thy ransom, Ethiopia and Seba for thee.

4 Since thou wast precious in my sight, thou hast been honourable, and I have loved thee: therefore will I give men for thee, and people for thy life.

5 Fear not: for I am with thee:

Heart Triggers.

Beggar's Daughter did a few blog posts on different kinds of triggers. (Apparently the website is down for February. Darn it!) So never mind that. Look it up when it's back up...

Anyway the triggers are Heart, Mind, and Soul.

I'm struggling lately with triggers and the temptation to live in fantasy.
I talked about my fantasy issue last week in the previous post, but I realized that I didn't talk about the trigger. It was a big, huge heart trigger (s).
In the past, my fantasies about men involved them finding me attractive. There's a lot of detail in how I would go about that, but for the sake of space, I will just say that I used fantasy to create a better self self, to make an alternate me.

Now I realize that these fantasies were based on a need to feel loved, to feel important, to be wanted and desired by someone. It's basic limerence and it's a natural part of crushes, etc. However, with me it's not a good thing. Ya know, with the whole addiction aspect.

Which is why I think I shut down. I mean, yes, I had a crush on a coworker and a guy in my ward, but they seem more like practice rounds compared with what I'm going through right now. This past week the addict me has been clamoring for release. Memories of old fantasies, old "story lines" have been coming up every day. And all based on a crush on movie star.

This kinda hit me unexpectedly. I'm very careful in what I watch. I usually avoid films with actors I've had crushes/fantasies about. And I can be logical and say "This is pretend. This is not real. It's not even based on reality." But I still struggle. Because my heart wants it. And it is a good desire. A desire to be loved is not a bad thing. But my addiction can turn it into a slip and relapse.

As a result, I've been analyzing what led me to this point. Because I am very, very happily single. Not interested in dating, thank you!
But a few months ago, I watched a movie with some sweet romantic scene and I now realize that it triggered my heart. I want to be loved. Part of me wants a boyfriend and the other part is scared to death about a relationship. Scared about feelings and revealing my addiction, etc. So I bury it.
Then, last month, I went on a date. I'm trying to be open to what Heavenly Father wants for me. And I know that includes getting married. So I went on a date. It was nice. And I never heard from him again.

I wasn't expecting this to end in a temple marriage, but the result disheartened me. It has happened so much! Another heart trigger. And so when this actor comes along in a show that I love, that makes me laugh, a guy that seems nice and is, well completely safe to have a crush on… my heart was ripe for the trigger. Which is also scaring me, because dang it, if I feel like this when I have a crush on a face on a screen… how am I ever going to handle a real, live person.

The problem is that I'm struggling to put it away. To turn to Heavenly Father in the midst of the trigger and the feelings. To not watch every single movie he's in and read every single article about him. Memorize his birthday, etc. But oh it is HARD! Because the feelings are so nice. So today I am trying. I did not watch much of the Super Bowl. I'm working on my callings. I am not watching the show, because Sunday is about the Lord and I want to show Him that I want Him center in my life.

It's not easy, because my faith is weak right now. I am not where I want to be. I don't understand why I have to be here. And at the same time terrified about ever leaving. Oh, anxiety about change makes life so much fun.
I worry that I am not where I'm supposed to be. I worry that I'm not handling this trial in a good way and feel like it's a jail sentence that the Lord will just keep increasing until I finally learn my lesson. I am so tired of my job. I am so tired of living at home. I am tired of my life. It's supposed to get better at some point, right?

But every day I pray. I read my scriptures. I try to find one good thing to be grateful for. And sometimes I do this because I feel like if I keep going maybe, just maybe I'll get a blessing for it. Probably not the best attitude to have, but I don't want to shirk. So today I'll just keep trudging.

So here's my song for the day. It really speaks to me right now. I love how it seems a little depressing, but to me, it's hopeful. Because I'm not alone and somewhere deep inside, I must believe that God will help me.
Otherwise I wouldn't keep trying.

The rocks have evil faces, Lord. And I am afraid.

The above comes from a poem Elder Holland quotes in his talk "An High Priest of Good Things to Come" and perfect expresses how I am feeling today.

As you may remember, my first post of the New Year was about how I was going to make 2014 different and be better now. 

Ha ha ha ha ha.

That hasn't happened. It's been…. a tough time.

I know part of it is because my Recovery Anniversary is coming up. Three years ago in January I was deeply mired in my addiction. (February too). Starting in March, I went to see my Bishop and got started in recovery, and somehow, every single January/February I struggle. Stupid adversary.

Then, a couple weeks ago I got sick. Like shoot-me-now level of illness. I could hardly get up, but then I had to work. No work = no money. So I would go to work for as long as I could and go home early, which pretty much just made my illness worse. I felt so exhausted. I couldn't do much. Walking to get the mail about killed me. I could read, but I didn't want to read… hard things. My brain could barely comprehend the scriptures, but I still wanted to read them daily. So I at least read one verse, but then I would want to read something "easy." I didn't feel that I had the energy left for anything else. So I started reading a bunch of stories relating to a TV show I love.
Plus. I wasn't sleeping at night because I was sleeping during the day.
I missed church because I was ill and PASG. So I was going on a week without taking the sacrament or attending group (which is like sacrament meeting to me). So, I knew a bad day was coming. Last Tuesday was that day. I was sick, I was working on 3 hours of sleep. I'd had fight with my mom a couple of nights before. I wasn't reading my scriptures for longer than 5 minutes day, but reading a lot of other stuff. Basically, I was not doing what I should be doing to maintain sobriety.

So last Tuesday, I went online at a public library to do some research and ended up watching videos featuring the actor of this TV series I am a fan of. This is not good.
A part of my addiction was creating fantasies about actors. I would fantasize about them and about me meeting them. Usually not sexual. Typical limerence stuff, focused on me and their paying attention to me, but lust fantasy all the same. Since I realized that fantasy was part of my addiction, I've stopped doing that. I don't read every thing I can find about the actor. I don't memorize their biography, watch all their movies, etc.
But I found myself doing this Tuesday. I finally realized what I was doing, so I shut off the video. But on the way home I kept thinking about it. Imagining myself impressing him, etc. Maybe that counts as a slip.

Slips are hard for me to judge. I mean, reading a romance novel = slip. Reading a kissing scene in a book over and over again is a slip. Looking at porn knowingly = slip. And I tried to fight it, but I didn't have the strength. I switched songs when I really wanted to listen to the one on my ipod again. The song wasn't triggering, I was making it a trigger. Once I got home, I hit my knees, so exhausted, and begged for forgiveness. After the prayer, I didn't feel it was a slip. More like an almost slip.... like walking the edge of a slip. So I slept while listening to Conference talks.

I was straying off the path of recovery. So for the next few days I've battled with myself as to whether I need to give up this show/stories. Today, sitting in church I realized that I had the choice. Was I making this fictional portrayal more important than my Heavenly Father. The answer was yes. So I stopped. I took a break. I read other things. I listened to Conference talks instead of reading. I studied my scriptures, especially in the Topical Guide under "Thoughts." Some very awesome scriptures in there! I feel better.

There's more to write about here, but this is already long enough. So... more next time.

I wanted to share a song I absolutely love. I listen to it a lot. I'm fighting a battle, but I know who has won the war! I just have to choose which side I'm on. And my Savior will help me win this battle too.

There's a battle between good and evil

And it's raging inside of me

There's a struggle, it's God and the devil

It's love against the enemy

Oh no, I'm not giving up now, Oh

Life's a fight of wrong and right that's tearing me apart

Oh but what the cross has done

Yeah the world will try to battle for my heart

But the war is already won

The year is gone… good riddance.

Confession time: I'm wasn't really that excited for New Years Eve. Or New Years Day. I had to work. No parties to go to. There was a Single Adult Dance a half hour away, but ha ha ha NO!

I've been struggling not to get in a slump. The week before Christmas I had a day off in the middle of the week. I was excited. I was going to go to the temple, workout, clean, etc. Instead, that morning I checked my email and, well, a path I was hoping would open up, turned out to be blocked rather heavily. It's not impossible, but at the time, the news deflated me. And I'm still not sure if it will open up. This is hard because I had prayed and felt this path was right, but now I doubted. It was one way to get back to the UK and it hurt that way seemed closed.

The email brought back doubts and fears. So instead of doing what I planned, I went for a walk and talked to Heavenly Father and listened to Christmas music, then I decided to read a book. And that's how I spent the rest of the day. Turns out it was a very triggery book too. WHY do we have to have descriptions, people? Just say "they kissed."

So I skipped over those parts, but when it came 6 o'clock, I felt guilty.

I deliberately wasted time to escape.

Since then, it's been a struggle. With triggers, with depression, with life. Missing meetings and sacrament meetings does not go over well with my addict. Life seems harder when I haven't had a chance to make those covenants with the sacrament and feeling the spirit of recovery in PASG meetings.

They help me deal with the struggle of life.

I try not to show it on social networks. Because I don't really see the point of trying to get sympathy for how I'm feeling.

Plus, trying to be positive helps me, well, stay positive. I want to set a good example for the people I teach. So, instead of posting how sad I am, I tend to post uplifting quotes on the hard days.


As 2014 loomed, I didn't feel a lot of hope. I think it's because the last couple years I've felt very hopeful as a new year came. Surely this would be the year things would change, I'd get work that actually uses one of my degrees. I'd move. I'd start feeling less stuck and more purposeful.

But it hasn't happened. I'm stuck on Step 10. I'm stuck at a job. I'm stuck living at home.

So I'm thrilled 2013 is over, it was a very hard year, but I'm not enthusiastic about 2014. More of a wait-and-see.

I'm setting some small goals for the new year. Dealing with scripture study, bedtime, exercise (like Step 10, trying to take care of the basic physical, emotional and spiritual aspects of my day).

Then I burned my finger on the first day of 2014. It hurt like the dickens and then it blistered. Plus I've been fighting off an illness for a week. Ugh. I'm really hoping this is not a portent for the year to come…

I meant to work on Step 10 today, but our church time changed and I've been sick all weekend. Plus I stayed up way late, hence the new goal on bedtime, so I slept in and it did not get done. I'm not young anymore. ha ha ha.

But there's always tomorrow. I mean that in a non-procrastination way. Each day is a new beginning and a new start.

And if I fail one day, I can try again the next.

One of my goals is to read the Ensign every month before the month is up.

I was reading President Uchtdorf's message in January's Ensign.

This was definitely a tender mercy for me as dear Pres. Uchtdorf's words touched my heart and mind.

I do fear and procrastinate. I have been waiting to be chosen.

"With every new day, a new dawn comes—not only for the earth but also for us. And with a new day comes a new start—a chance to begin again."

Now.

I'm going to try. Especially in regards to Step 10. I really, really want to be done with it soon. However, I know that the Lord may want me to take longer.

Last week in PASG we read Step 3. And I was supposed to read it. Every single word, almost, I needed to hear and read at that time. I needed to remember to trust in God. I needed to remember to work on that trust. Because I still take away trust and then give it back and then take it away again.

But I keep giving it back.

And then we read "It requires us to rededicate ourselves to His will at the start of each day and some- times every hour or even from moment to moment."

That still applies to me! I still have to work on giving Heavenly Father my trust daily and sometimes hourly and sometimes moment to moment.

Because I struggle with trusting Him. I struggle to understand how being here (in a literal and figurative sense) is helping or teaching me. I struggle with wanting more and trying to be patient that it will come.

I struggle to believe that it will get better.

So that might need to be added to my goals for 2014. Work on trusting in God.

As President Uchtdorf says, "Now is the best time to start becoming the person we eventually want to be."