Up, down and all around

The last week of April was good. I've been feeling okay with things. Not great. Not amazing, just good.
And then Friday came.
I was excited because I'd just checked out a book I'd been interested in reading. It was set in the past, it was a British author, and it had a cool plot. What could go wrong?
So, while waiting on a client, I pulled it out to read.
10 pages in was a sex scene.
Gah. Seriously?
I didn't want to quit reading the book, so I skipped ahead and then went back thinking I might have missed a plot point.
And then I thought WHAT THE HECK am I going back for? Seriously stupid.
I caught myself. I know the Spirit helped.
It's not worth it.

I closed the book. I prayed. I texted my support person. I pulled out my iPod, but the battery was dead! Darn it. So I went for a walk. Prayed some more. I then came back, placed the book at the other end of the couch and pulled out my e-reader to read Step 11. Texted with my support person and then took that book back to the library as soon as I could.
But that meant I was triggering for the rest of the day. Ugh, so not worth it.
Now I'm reading Victorian authors again. Sigh. Stupid books.

At the same time, it was a neat experience… because I stopped! I recoiled, literally. I could have had a slip and the Spirit helped me stop.
YAY! and then boo for stupid books.

Saturday I went to the local ARP conference. It was really great.
My favorite class was on Family Dis-ease and about how emotionally unhealthy families breed addicts.
Hello to my childhood. So I got some great notes on how to avoid that in my future.
There was also a class on the addict brain, and, my other favorite, crying out to Jesus in the time of need.
The presenter, a recovering addict, talked about how emotions just are. They are neither good or bad, but we still have to deal with them. I know this is true. To get away from the unpleasant emotions, like anger and sadness, I turned to my addiction. Until I had to use my addiction to numb the nice emotions!
So even when I feel sad, I try to remember that at least I am feeling. And I cry out to Jesus for help.

So after a nice, mostly spiritual weekend, I got hit with a user dream Monday when I fell asleep on the couch. The worst I've had in a long time. It was so hard to wake up, because the addict part of me wanted to stay asleep. To stay in the dream. I had to tell myself wake up.
More texting to my support person (rather glad I got one).

Luckily, the rest of the week has been better. God has answered my prayers in many ways. I still struggle with depression about life, but I'm trying to move forward.  To check something off my to-do list every day.

A potentially life-changing event is happening tomorrow. I'm stepping back and letting the Lord direct me where He wants me to go.

I'm still working on Step 11. Today I've been hungry and tired, so I didn't work on it, but I do plan on working on it tonight before bed.
I've been reading the scriptures from Step 11 and I found one that really touched me.

Ether 12:41
And now, I would commend you to seek this Jesus of whom the prophets and apostles have written, that the grace of God the Father, and also the Lord Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost, which beareth record of them, may be and abide in you forever.
For so long, I sought my addiction, I fed my character weaknesses. Now, as I seek Jesus, God and the Holy Ghost, I have grace in me forever. Isn't that an amazing promise?
I hope I can continue to have that grace.