Thursday, September 26, 2013

Musical Interlude

It's late. I'm exhausted.
It's been a rough week, but a good week.

Since I'm too tired to blog, I wanted to share one of my favorite songs.

I listen to it when I'm feeling low. Addiction wise or life wise.
Not everything is lost, He can restore it.
With His love.
His love is enough. (Plus, the love of the Godhead. It's such an amazing concept and comfort that the Holy Ghost is rooting for us too)


Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Let's try that again.

I couldn't sleep Sunday night.
Part of the problem was that I was thinking about blog posts and wanted to record an experience I had, so I pulled out an old journal to find the entry and then started reading. Next thing I knew, it was 2 am and I was supposed to be to work in 5 hours.
Plus, reading those entries, from about 10 years ago, depressed me. I realized, while reading, that I am in a similar situation, (Hey, at least I'm not in my addiction!), where I am feeling stuck and trying to have faith that it will all work out, but wondering if I'm doing the right thing. If I'm on the right path.

BUT it was also good to see how I've changed. In those old entries, I talked about my fantasy world, my books, and "messing up" (that was my code word for masturbating).
I had a full time job that I lost because well, while my boss was gone, I came in maybe once a week. Today I have a job that I don't like, but I show up every shift. Yay for progress!

However, when I kneeled down to pray that night, I told Heavenly Father how I was feeling, which wasn't great, but I told Him that I had faith it would work out.
Still, I am so grateful for the experiences that I have had. They have taught me so much.

Oh, the experience I was going to share?
10 years ago I was having a horrible week. I was supposed to be going to a university in England for my last year of my school, but my funding fell through and I was suddenly not going. So I was having to find a place to live and register for classes. I found a place, but it wasn't available for a week, so I spent that week sleeping on a friend's floor and they weren't exactly clean so it was a little gross, and having to completely change my class and work schedule to graduate. So one day, walking back to my temporary home, I was tired and discouraged and a little bitter. The thought came that the Lord knew exactly how I felt and I replied, "I don't recall that Jesus was ever a university student."
That was slightly sacrilegious. And I felt humble and sorry for thinking that.
Eventually I settled down and life got better.

Anyway, going to work on 3 hours of sleep is not good. So I'm not sure I did a good job with the negative thoughts, as I was so tired I can't really remember my thoughts or most of the day.
And last night, as I knelt down, I remembered that I was supposed to have been watching my thoughts.
Ha ha ha. Okay, so we're going to try again.

Today I did okay on that. It was my day off and I was actually productive!
I also got to buy new garments! I love that I am worthy to purchase those sacred items.
Sometimes it pains me to remember what I did while wearing my garments. But I'm not that person anymore.
I am so grateful for the atonement.

It's been a gorgeous rainy day and I have enjoyed it. I feel at peace.

I just need to remember that God knows what is in store better than I ever do, will or can.

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Giving up negative thoughts

Today I worked on Step 10! I halfway through my Study & Understanding section! Woot!

One of the answer sections asked that I give up negative thoughts for 24 hours.
So I'm doing it. Yep.
Next 24 hours.

Now I don't know if this means negative thoughts about myself or negative thoughts in general.
I am going to work on negative thoughts in general.
I want to be more positive. I want to have more gratitude.
I do not want to be down on myself. I don't want to judge others.

Well, this list is getting long, so let's just focus on negative thoughts. :)

This weekend for Relief Society, we wrote notes to the sisters in our ward. The notes were of
qualities we admired about that person.
I had fun writing mine.
Then I read the ones that were written to me.
Wow. I mean, I knew most of them would be about my smile and my laugh (that's what I usually get complimented on, not that I'm complaining).
Yet there were some that were on qualities I wasn't expecting. Or didn't realize others noticed. Or didn't think were important.
I felt loved.
That is what came to my mind when I read about giving up negative thoughts.
Seeing myself as other people see me.
Seeing life through eyes of gratitude.

Yesterday was hard. A huge feeling of sadness hit me in the afternoon.
Feeling lonely, sad, homesick for the UK, and feeling stuck.
I could have stayed on Facebook and looked at pictures of Scotland all day (probably not the best idea).
Instead, I got on K9 and discovered that you can set times the internet is off. Not just overnight, which I already had set, but actual hours during the day! So I have it set to turn off the internet for a couple hours a day, that way I'm not getting stuck online all day and wasting time. :) I'm spending too much of my day online.
I'm rather thrilled with this. Which is odd, when I think about it. I have less access to the internet. Woo!?
I also blocked a website I was wasting time on and that recently got more inappropriate. It had cool interesting posts, but lately I have to scroll through a lot of filth to get to the funny stuff.
A couple days ago I was glancing over Elder Holland's talk "Place No More For the Enemy of My Soul", and I realized that I was not following the suggestions Elder Holland makes in that talk.
One really stood out:
"Along with filters on computers and a lock on affections, remember that the only real control in life is self-control. Exercise more control over even the marginal moments that confront you. If a TV show is indecent, turn it off. If a movie is crude, walk out. If an improper relationship is developing, sever it. Many of these influences, at least initially, may not technically be evil, but they can blunt our judgment, dull our spirituality, and lead to something that could be evil."

That website, and some of the others I'm visiting are not "technically evil," but they are marginal. They can dull and blunt my spirituality and judgment and lead to not good things. So I blocked it.
The real temptation will be at work, where I don't have a filter on the internet there. And my job involves a lot of free time.
So I'm going to work on reading books, writing in my journal, cleaning, etc. 

After I worked on K9, I got up and cleaned the bathroom and my bedroom. It felt good to work.
It felt really good to climb into a nice, clean bed.

Today, I feel good. I'm off to bed.
Let the 24 hours begin now...


Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Well, that lasted a long time.

Tonight was PASG and I loved it. It was Step 11 tonight. I'm not on Step 11 yet, but the Lord helped me tonight.
This week has been difficult. I have been striving to get to bed early. So far, I'm averaging around 12pm... which isn't bad. Then I've been praying for patience with a client at work. And then getting annoyed and having a knee-jerk reaction. I specifically prayed about this today and it still happened.
It's been a long week already.
Frustration!

Anyway, but the Lord used Step 11 tonight to teach me that I can try again. To remind me that I am turning to Him, even if it's just to say "I am upset. Please help." (as I make the strangling gesture with my hands) ;) Probably should stop that, the gestures, not the talking.

Anyway, then today I found out the the employment opportunity I was hoping would happen is not likely... for now.
I don't count my chickens before they hatch. I count my chickens before their parents have hatched.

However, I noticed that I didn't get all "I don't know what to do with my life!"Or go into Children of Israel mode, I just sighed and made a plan. Keep applying for jobs. Hope I'm doing this right. Move forward.

Still working on gratitude and trying to really, really pray. To tell the Lord what is going on and not just expect Him to know. I mean, He does know, but I think He wants to hear from me too. Sharing with Him brings me closer to Him.

I know I promised to share what I've learned in my reading of the references for Alma 5:28 and I thought this was apt after today.
One of the scripture references in the Topical Guide under "Man, New, Spiritually Reborn" is:

1 Peter 1:3-4
3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, which according to his abundant mercy hath begotten us again unto a lively hope by the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead,
4 To an inheritance incorruptible, and undefiled, and that fadeth not away, reserved in heaven for you.

Isn't that lovely? I have an inheritance incorruptible reserved in heaven for me. I have a lively hope because my Savior lives! I am born again because of my Savior.

And this promise won't fade away.




Sunday, September 08, 2013

I worry, but then I don't.

Anyway, it was rough week.
A couple day ago I was working and a co-worker would not shut up. Constant chatter and most of it was not, what I consider, appropriate. I wasn't triggering, I was disgusted. I should have said something, but I didn't. I just kept silent.
Next time, though, I won't be quiet. I will say something. I will also be keeping a prayer silently in my heart, so I know the words to say.

Anyway, so being tired and having to deal with this and other emotional stresses of the work day, I triggered. After the face.
I am so thankful for music. I had my Christian stations on the car radio (I've actually programmed my radio so they are preset and I don't have to scan for them. I love it). I came home and put on my Youtube playlist of Christian songs.

Then Saturday, which was okay. Except my mom said I was mean (teasingly) and, for some reason, that really hurt. Which led to a little... misunderstanding. She couldn't understand why I was upset.
I didn't explain it the best way.

That night, we rented Warm Bodies, which I had liked, but this time, well, it didn't trigger me, but I was bothered by 1) the objectification of the female characters and 2) the swearing.
So, sigh, mark that movie off. I swear I'm gonna have to stick with animated films and John Wayne movies.

Then, this morning, another little fight. So I read the blogs of family members and I think "Do I do that?" Do I yo-yo? Do I overreact? Do I justify my reaction? A great fear I have is that I'm not as far in recovery as I think I am. Which is why it's good to have people you can trust to talk to and know they will be honest with you.

So today, after church, I went to a recovery friend's house to work on Step 10. We talked and laughed and listened to good music. And I wrote and read and felt better. I actually started on the Study & Understanding section! Miracles!

I don't have any answers. Maybe I do deliberately hurt others. I do try to apologize. It's not an immediate thing (working on that), but I don't like hurting people. Nor do I like being hurt (well, who does?).

Basically, it's a process. It's probably not going to be completed in my lifetime, but I have to keep getting up and going forward. Ask for strength to make better decisions the next day.
Tonight I was feeling a bit down, so I put on some music.
And this song came on.
It's by Matthew West and I sing it in the Adversary's face.
It reminds me that I can do it. I am a child of the One True King. I am no longer defined by my past. I am new and I can start again. Every day.




This song gives me hope. As long as I keep moving forward and turning to my Heavenly Father, He will help me. I can overcome regret, defeat and addiction, because He is there.
Step 10 is really cool!


Wednesday, September 04, 2013

Warped Love

I have been working on this post since I started this blog.
I write a bit, delete it, try again, etc.

Then today I woke up ill so what better way to have time to finish the blog?
Since my other plans are a little hard to complete when you get dizzy standing up.

I hope this makes sense.

Basically, I have been on one date since I started recovery. I was one and a half hours late to that date because, well, I freaked out.
What if I did something? What if he tried to kiss me? What if I triggered?
They were all wild and crazy fears, but they were still there.
Big, huge waves of fear.
It went okay. Surprisingly, there was no follow up date. Go figure.

Anyway, I bring this up because I've developed a crush on a nice guy in my ward. This is my second one since recovery and I really don't like it.
My first crush was on a co-worker. It was horrible.

Why? Well, it's complicated. I suddenly realized that I had used fantasies to "create" a fictional relationship. I would create aspects of him that probably didn't exist. I would be further along in the relationship because I was fantasizing about us. I liked him, he must like me. He must feel the same way. Then I'd get angry when he didn't react the way I wanted him to react.
Reading through old journal entries about my last major relationship, I realized that I had done this.
Having this crush on my co-worker brought out a lot of it.
I didn't enjoy the experience.
I'm starting to figure out why. I'm trying to learn how to like a guy and not retreat into fantasy land.

And it's so complicated.
One part of it was my childhood.
I was abused as a child.

For years I didn't realize it.
It wasn't the Hollywood version, where I cowered in fear every night.
My dad wasn't a drug or alcohol addict. He wasn't horrible every single day.
I wasn't beaten and sent to school with bruises. I didn't have to lie about how I got them.
He was the Executive Secretary in our ward.

One day, when I was around 14, I was taking a Home-Ec class.
Our teacher (bless her forever) actually talked about the Cycle of Abuse.
In Mormon Central! (I grew up in a predominantly LDS community where this kind of thing wasn't talked about)
Here it is:
That was my childhood.

Growing up, I learned I wasn't good enough. Because, obviously, if I was good, my daddy wouldn't hurt me.
But my daddy did hurt me.
Therefore, it must be my fault. My child brain reasoned that it had to be my fault.
So I had to be good. I had to please people. If they were happy, then I would be happy. They wouldn't hurt me. I became a people pleaser. And I used my addiction to escape. I created fantasies about being strong. I created this ideal man who would never hurt me. The perfect man.
I told myself that if I could just have a boyfriend then I would be fine. When I did have a boyfriend (I have had only one), the addiction went away. So, I reasoned, I needed that love and support from a guy. I couldn't do it on my own. And because I was really good at fantasies, well, that bled into my
relationship with guys.
I created a fantasy man in every guy I liked.
A fantasy relationship. Etc.

The first step to realizing this was at university, when I began seeing a counselor about issues regarding my dad. At the time, I was obsessed with this guy. I would fantasize about him, have conversations with him, think about him all the time. If Facebook had been around then I definitely would have stalked him. Anyway, I worried it meant I was crazy. So she gave me this book on limerence and love.
Limerence is infatuation. It's more about you and less about object of your infatuation. You fantasize about your crush seeing you, watching you, talking to you. It's about what you have to do to make them fall in love with you. Sound familiar?

Limerence can grow into love. You have to work at overcoming limerence and allowing love to develop. To be more concerned about the person, instead of you.
The book really helped me see that I was normal. We all do this. The point of the book was overcoming limerence and allowing it to become love. But with my addiction, I let it go too far.

I was chin deep in my addiction at that point.
So I kept the fantasies.
Fueled by what I was reading.

Recently, I realized that abuse is warped love. But my dad wasn't the only contributor.
Written porn novels also present abusive relationships as normal and romantic.
Most "romance" books I read had the hero treat the girl horribly. Play with her emotions, scare her, stalk her, hurt her physically or emotionally, and then explain it all away by saying he loved her at the end. Oh, it was okay now.

Written porn is about the woman. How she is seen by the man. It's complete limerence, with pornography in there for added damage.
I never realized how this reading warped my perceptions. It warped my sense of healthy relationships and interactions.
I'm slowly replacing those issues with truth.

To honest, I am so happily single. For years I wanted to be married. I thought I could only be happy being married. I finally made peace with myself and who I am. I am in a good place.

Truthfully, I am scared to be married. Scared to have to confess my addiction to my significant other. Scared of relapses and triggers.

Then I remind myself that I don't need to freak out about something that isn't even a possibility yet.

We'll take it when it comes, me and God together.

So I'm watching what I read. I try to recognize unhealthy relationships in tv and movies and books.

I'm turning my triggers and temptations over to Heavenly Father.
Having faith He can heal what I cannot.
That I can be in a healthy dating/marital relationship one day.
Let's hope.

Monday, September 02, 2013

A "whoa" moment.

Yesterday was hard.
I woke up from a user dream that felt so real, I worried that it was real. That I had slipped. I prayed.
User dreams. Ugh.
After praying, I felt that it was just a dream. But I still read the Ensign to recover while eating breakfast.
It was a nice day after that. Helped some friends, got to hold a baby, and no more triggers.

Then, last night, while I was cleaning my room, I decided to listen to some music.
I chose one labeled Favorite Songs.
However, I had forgot that this playlist was made quite a while ago, when I was still in fantasy world mode. Not all the songs, but I realized a few could trigger me. Still, I figured I would just get rid of those songs. So I hit play.
The first song popped up. It was a favorite one from a TV show I was obsessed with and had to sacrifice because, well, long story. Triggers. Fantasy world, etc.
So the photo displaying while the song played was from this show. Trigger. Okay, I deleted that video from the playlist... but I remember liking the song, so I found a different video of the song and it started playing.

A trigger wave.
That is the only way I can describe it.
The song is not bad. It's not dirty or suggestive. It's just a song. But I used it to fuel my fantasies regarding that TV show.
And my brain remembered.
Suddenly, wow, I could remember the exact fantasy I'd crafted to that song.
And then all the fantasies I'd created around that show were there. In my mind. Tugging and pulling for my attention.
More triggers.
Whoa.
I shut the computer and decided to run an errand.
More triggers in the car.
Maybe I should have prayed to Heavenly Father (maybe I was saying subconscious prayers). This was surreal! I felt such a pull toward the fantasies/addiction. A pull that I haven't felt in such a long time. At the same time, there was a desire to pull away from it.
I was fighting myself.
So I turned up the radio. It was already set to a Christian station.
The song that was playing I can't remember, but I felt peace fill my mind.
I sang out loud. I thanked Heavenly Father for good music. I asked for forgiveness for my thoughts.
By the time I got to my destination, I felt tons better. More Christian music on the way home.
When I got to my room, I deleted that song and all the songs that I realized would trigger me because of why I listened to them.
My playlist is now safe, I think. I will check again.
Saving that for tomorrow.

Today, though. Today felt great. I only got half the sacrament, but church was wonderful.
The testimonies and lessons were exactly what I needed to hear.

It's been a very spiritual day. I fasted and lasted until 6!
I've decided to start being consistent with my nightly routine and going to bed at a decent time (yet here I am at midnight writing on my blog. Sigh. Well, tomorrow is another day).

Today, I've listened to great music. I have a Christian Favs playlist on youtube so I put that on... although my. word. Youtube... what is up with the ads? I'm listening to music about Christ! Can't the ads match?

I also went to a ward sing along. I love the hymns!

Now I want to share a song that I really like. The past couple weeks, I've only caught the end of it, but I was curious. So today I looked up the whole song. LOVE it. It's a Christian song by Chris Tomlin.

I'm coming back to the start
where You found me
I'm coming back to Your heart
now I surrender
Take me
This is all I can bring
I'm coming back to the start
our God is freedom
and here we feel Your heart
Your heart beat for us
Take me
This is all I can bring

Chorus:
You'll never stop loving us
no matter how far we run
You'll never give up on us
all of heaven is shouting
let the future begin



I have no idea what God's great dance floor is, which is why the song caught my attention. Chris Tomlin relates it to the party the Prodigal Son's father threw for him and God's grace. He says God's grace is His great dance floor.
Still have no idea what that means. But, it's a cool image.
Plus, the video has a man in sombrero playing the trumpet. That is so cool!

They look like they are so happy. Even the security guard is dancing! This song brings me happiness. I cry when I listen to it. Yet it makes me want to dance.

Because of His grace, I am alive. I come alive.

Heavenly Father never gives up on us.