I worry, but then I don't.

Anyway, it was rough week.
A couple day ago I was working and a co-worker would not shut up. Constant chatter and most of it was not, what I consider, appropriate. I wasn't triggering, I was disgusted. I should have said something, but I didn't. I just kept silent.
Next time, though, I won't be quiet. I will say something. I will also be keeping a prayer silently in my heart, so I know the words to say.

Anyway, so being tired and having to deal with this and other emotional stresses of the work day, I triggered. After the face.
I am so thankful for music. I had my Christian stations on the car radio (I've actually programmed my radio so they are preset and I don't have to scan for them. I love it). I came home and put on my Youtube playlist of Christian songs.

Then Saturday, which was okay. Except my mom said I was mean (teasingly) and, for some reason, that really hurt. Which led to a little... misunderstanding. She couldn't understand why I was upset.
I didn't explain it the best way.

That night, we rented Warm Bodies, which I had liked, but this time, well, it didn't trigger me, but I was bothered by 1) the objectification of the female characters and 2) the swearing.
So, sigh, mark that movie off. I swear I'm gonna have to stick with animated films and John Wayne movies.

Then, this morning, another little fight. So I read the blogs of family members and I think "Do I do that?" Do I yo-yo? Do I overreact? Do I justify my reaction? A great fear I have is that I'm not as far in recovery as I think I am. Which is why it's good to have people you can trust to talk to and know they will be honest with you.

So today, after church, I went to a recovery friend's house to work on Step 10. We talked and laughed and listened to good music. And I wrote and read and felt better. I actually started on the Study & Understanding section! Miracles!

I don't have any answers. Maybe I do deliberately hurt others. I do try to apologize. It's not an immediate thing (working on that), but I don't like hurting people. Nor do I like being hurt (well, who does?).

Basically, it's a process. It's probably not going to be completed in my lifetime, but I have to keep getting up and going forward. Ask for strength to make better decisions the next day.
Tonight I was feeling a bit down, so I put on some music.
And this song came on.
It's by Matthew West and I sing it in the Adversary's face.
It reminds me that I can do it. I am a child of the One True King. I am no longer defined by my past. I am new and I can start again. Every day.

This song gives me hope. As long as I keep moving forward and turning to my Heavenly Father, He will help me. I can overcome regret, defeat and addiction, because He is there.
Step 10 is really cool!