Emotions, addictions and being the other prodigal

Lesson #1: Missing ARP group makes life harder.
I've missed PASG for two weeks in a row. The first because of a Relief Society activity and the second because I had family in town and I wanted to spend time with them. Both good reasons, but wow, have I felt the loss. The last two days, triggers have been more present and persistent. I've had passages from my written porn days (romance novels) come strongly into remembrance, and take some work and prayer to get them to leave.
Plus, I've been really, really grumpy, grouchy and more addict-like.

Lesson #2: Emotions can be like fishhooks.
It's a line from a film I saw years ago Marvin's Room. In one scene, the mom tells her son that her feelings toward him as like a bowl of fishhooks, so tangled together and confusing that it was easier to not pick them up.
That is how this weekend felt. I couldn't pinpoint one emotion or reason I was feeling what I was feeling.
I yelled at my nephews. I lost my temper. I was grumpy.
I hate it. Because in those moments I feel like my father and I don't want to be like him in any way. So I apologized (at least I can do that now. I'm working at making it sooner rather than later and doing it in person).
And I tried better, but I was feeling angry and upset and sad and hurt and…
EMOTIONAL!

I still need to write it out. Maybe then I can pinpoint why. It wasn't just one reason or scene. It felt like several of them at once.
I struggle to know if I'm being emotionally triggered addict-wise or if this is a genuine emotional issue. I have felt unappreciated and unloved. I've felt lost and alone.

It may be foolish to feel that way, but it is how I've felt. I'm the only single one in my family and sometimes I feel that they treat me like a 19 year old because I'm not married, I don't have kids. Like somehow getting married increases your knowledge and maturity. Even though I'm the oldest sibling!

I struggled to turn this over to Heavenly Father. To let Him replace those feelings with peace, as we are asked to in Step 10. It didn't always work, but I tried. I had no idea that being with my family would have such emotional triggers for me.

So Saturday was really tough emotionally. The Womens meeting helped and then didn't. Because sometimes all I can see if that I don't sew clothes for the poor children in the ward. I don't do family history. Ah, guilt. Hello. Still, the Spirit whispered that I was doing what I could. I fulfill my callings. I strive to be an example and I do serve as a facilitator and support person. All women are not the same. We have different talents and abilities and that's okay.
But that followed with my mom getting upset at something I said and… completely ignoring me for the rest of the evening. I have no idea if this is what happened, but it's the only guess I can make.
Then came Sunday…

I asked for a blessing from my brother. I have been wanting a blessing for a long time. Wondering if I was on the right path and what was going to happen with my life.

I felt worse when the blessing ended than when it began. It started with the cursory "God is aware of you" (how comforting) and when I was hoping for comfort, hope and peace, I got a list of what I was doing wrong. I was told to stop looking toward the past. To be open to opportunities. So I felt like I was being told to do what I thought I was already striving to do. To look forward. Yes, I miss the UK! It's not going away and while I would love to live there again, I've told the Lord that I will go where He wants me. I apply for a job wherever I can find one that sounds like a good opportunity. Basically… I felt like my brother was counseling me through a blessing but without actually talking to me and seeing the reality beforehand.
This has happened the last couple times I've gotten blessings from family. Are they counseling me themselves through the blessing, like I feel they are? Or… I fear that these blessings mean I'm disappointing God somehow.

Then my mother got a beautiful blessing, full of love and care and sweet promises.
I was jealous. I totally had a Prodigal son's brother moment. Because I didn't feel like a beloved daughter of God, I felt like a failure.

I tried listening to Elder Holland's talk The Other Prodigal, which sooo did not help. I felt worse, because I understand the brother. What is wrong with wanting to be appreciated once in a while????!!!!
There's no answer to this question in this blog.

Anyway, due to the moping, I was late to church, which led to me messing up majorly and repeatedly in my calling. At one point, all I wanted was for the floor to open up so I could disappear. All day I was feeling like "what is the point," where I wondered why I was even trying. I was not making a difference. So by the time I headed out to meet the ARP missionaries to do a presentation on the ARP program in a local ward, I was near tears.

How was I supposed to bear my testimony of the power of the Addiction Recovery Program when I felt like I hadn't made any progress at all? Which I know isn't true, but I was so emotional and depressed at the time, all I could think was that I was failing at all of this. Recovery. Life. Church. EVERYTHING.

But I still prayed for the words when I spoke, because the presentation wasn't about me, it was about reaching out to people who need ARP. People like me. I felt the Spirit and I bore my testimony.

It's still been rough emotionally the last couple days and I am tired of it all.
Work. Life. AUGH!

That's why I love this song. I still don't get it all, but I must press on.
With my Savior by my side.