Whatever I do...

The past month, excluding the great feeling of completely Step 10 (YAY!), has been hard. I've had trouble sleeping, feeling very idle and just overall blah.

There's been a lot of grief in this past month in my ward, in my life, with my friends. I know that grief has been a big part of my sadness.

Then, last Friday, I had a near slip. I'd downloaded a song, a fun 80's pop tune I'd heard that day and remembered I liked and was clean. So I bought it and that night I was playing a game on my phone and listening to it on repeat. Well, then I started imagining singing it with someone famous (I think I've been watching too much Jimmy Fallon) and then, well, I realized that I should stop it, but it took a few prompts to get me to do so.

I lived in a fantasy world almost all day every day, so my brain is programmed to seek it out. It was a struggle and I kneeled and asked for forgiveness in prayer, THEN that night I has an emotional user dream. Meaning, the emotions in the dream triggered me, not the dream itself, as everyone in the dream was dressed in Edwardian clothes. Weird. So I woke up triggering and emotional because of a stupid dream in which I was triggered emotionally. Frustrating!

However, I feel… better. Happier. Nicer.

There are still struggles and triggers and temptations, but I've found as I focus on the Lord, He helps me.

I am working on studying my scriptures daily. On sincere, not-by-rote- prayers daily, hourly, etc. On turning hard moments over to the Lord.

I still have days where I feel I don't succeed. Where I've been grumpy or stubborn or hurtful to others, BUT I can turn those feelings over to my Heavenly Father and He replaces them with calm and peace.

Today's song is one of my favorites. It's what I'm doing now. I'm not losing heart. I'm pushing through the dark.

Josh Wilson Pushing Through the Dark