Sometimes I ask "why"

You're probably reading this thinking I ask "Why do I have this addiction," but you would be incorrect.

I'm kinda over that. For today, at least.

In the past few weeks, I've lost good friends and a dear relative to death. There was some employment drama with the news that my job was going to end wayyy earlier than thought (long story) and so I was facing unemployment after moving a month ago.
Stress. Stress. Stress.

Plus, I have yet another crush/limerence on a friend and it is driving me crazy.
Part of me secretly hoped that if this whole marriage thing ever happens it would involve less mind games and me doubting myself. As in an angelic manifestation. Or the man just walking up and asking me out. To know that he is interested. I hate crushes. It's not fun. It's not exciting. It's brought up feeling of incompetence and worry about how will I ever tell someone that I love that I have an addiction. As well as the whole "what is wrong with me" issues when he doesn't seem interested.

Monday it all just hit me. The loss, the grief, the worries, the doubts and the frustration. All capped by a former good friend sending me a bitter message implying that I had caused their mental breakdown simply by reaching out to say hi.
All I wanted to be was anywhere else but here.
So I came home and cried. And cried. And cried.

The week didn't get any easier. And I found myself asking "why." Why do I have to have a crush. Why is this happening? So when I found myself playing the comparison game, I checked myself. I usually don't do that, so I knew I needed to look at myself and get to the bottom of the emotional bucket, as it were.

In the past two months I have been through a lot. Emotionally, physically, mentally and emotionally.
Big, huge changes. Heartbreak and loss. Adjusting. Worry. The heat!
Plus, the loneliness. I don't have a lot of friends where I live yet and I feel that lack.

Then came group night and I tried to make some excuses, but I went. It was where I needed to be. It was a lot better than last time and I'm fairly sure I went way over my time, but I needed to talk. It helped tons. This is longest I've gone between meetings since I started recovery. I need to go.
So I'm going next week.
I'm also exercising every day, as much as I can. I'm reaching out in my ward (still need to meet with my Bishop to introduce myself), finding activities to join in locally, and I'm going to start going to SA  (Single Adult) stuff (scary), and trying to keep turning all this over to the Lord. Every moment or hour it takes.

So I'll make it. I'll make it with God at my side.


One last note. Monday, as I lay on my bed with tears streaming down my face, this song came on...
thank you, Heavenly Father, for the tender mercy.