Four years in Recovery. Sometimes it does not get easier.

So this week, I'm fairly sure, is my Four Year Anniversary of being in Recovery. I think my first meeting was March 11. I don't pay attention to dates and my journal keeping at the time was not great (it still isn't). But Happy Anniversary to me!

With that, though...
(Warning: May contain triggers)

Last night I had several user dreams. Not just one! Several. Some violence related (which was my early masturbation trigger before I found romance novels) and a couple sex ones. Very vivid dreams. I've been fighting the memories all day.
Which meant I woke up late and was late to church. I missed the Sacrament. I knew I was going to miss it. First, I needed to kneel and pray for forgiveness, for help. Not a hurried prayer, but a sincere prayer. I knew I needed to go to church. So I went. I was half an hour late, but I went.
The talks in Sacrament were good, but I was still mad at myself so I wasn't paying attention. I know a user dream isn't necessarily my fault, but to me, they signaled a bigger problem. And dealing with the triggers is not fun.
I know why.
I've been watching stupid, mindless things online that sometimes contain inappropriate scenes. It doesn't matter if I skip over them, if I can in time, they are still there.
I haven't been to group in over a month. I meant to go a couple weeks ago, but fell asleep after work and woke up too late.
So tonight, I called into a Women's PASG Meeting. I'm so very glad I did. More on that later.

After the closing prayer, I was really, really early to Sunday School. The other ward was still lingering. Since I hadn't read this week's RS lesson, I opened up my manual and started reading Chapter 5, "Principles of True Repentance."

Bam. Heavenly Father was speaking to me directly. I even took the book with me, when I went to other ward to take the Sacrament. I really wanted to take the Sacrament and figured I should miss a bit of Relief Society to renew my covenants. It was a good experience, bowing my head, repeating the prayers in my head as if I was saying them. Praying for forgiveness for my sins. Partaking of the bread and water. I needed the sacrament.

Sunday School was focused on the Beautitudes. As I read along and listened to the discussion, I realized that I was doing okay. Not great. But I wasn't hopeless. I was making progress. I had come far since the dark days of my addiction. Progress was being made and I hadn't gone back. Even if it felt like it. ;)
And that's one reason why I loved, and very much needed, to read President Benson's words today.

"One of Satan’s most frequently used deceptions is the notion that the commandments of God are meant to restrict freedom and limit happiness. Young people especially sometimes feel that the standards of the Lord are like fences and chains, blocking them from those activities that seem most enjoyable in life. But exactly the opposite is true. The gospel plan is the plan by which men are brought to a fulness of joy. This is the first concept I wish to stress. The gospel principles are the steps and guidelines that will help us find true happiness and joy... If we wish to truly repent and come unto Him so that we can be called members of His Church, we must first and foremost come to realize this eternal truth—the gospel plan is the plan of happiness. Wickedness never did, never does, never will bring us happiness [see Alma 41:10]. Violation of the laws of God brings only misery, bondage, and darkness."

I recognize and know that my addiction does not bring freedom, but only misery, bondage and darkness. I know that! 

President Benson had five principles that signify true repentance. That was the first. The second was to have Faith in the Savior. Third is one that I've struggled with. A Change of Heart. Or Step 6. So I've completed Step 6, but I still struggle having a change of heart. In Step 10, the manual states that we have lost all desire for our addictions. But I still struggle with triggers and temptations. So I do feel like I'm two faced. Part of me still remembers the feelings and wants to experience those again. It's only by remembering the results of my addiction, the shame, etc., that I can overcome it. That, and praying to my Heavenly Father. Which I did, a lot, today.

Anyway, it's a great lesson.  I could quote most of it here. I hope you read it. It gave me hope when I needed it. The Holy Ghost helped me see I'm doing okay. Godly sorrow was definitely a part of my day.

The PASG meeting I phoned into was on Step 4 and that also buoyed me up. I underlined some new ideas that I noticed. And then it came to section of questions to ask when writing the inventory... In the past, when we've read this step, I've been uncomfortable. Because I still see myself doing those things. Tonight, however, I felt good about the questions. I feel I'm doing better at turning things over to the Lord.

Also, I read some of these blogs (which I haven't done in a while. I've missed you!) and that gave me more encouragement and hope. And insight. 

There are some things I need to cut back on. I spent the evening watching Church videos to fill up my Youtube recommendations with good things. 

All in all, I feel hopeful. There is lots I need to work on, eating, sleep, thoughts, emotions, etc. But I know I can it, because I know in whom I can rely. My Heavenly Father, my Savior and the Holy Ghost. They are rooting for me. They are reaching for me.

President Benson ended with this quote "We must not lose hope. Hope is an anchor to the souls of men. Satan would have us cast away that anchor. In this way he can bring discouragement and surrender. But we must not lose hope. The Lord is pleased with every effort, even the tiny, daily ones in which we strive to be more like Him. Though we may see that we have far to go on the road to perfection, we must not give up hope."

Then he says "Finally, we must remember that most repentance does not involve sensational or dramatic changes, but rather is a step-by-step, steady, and consistent movement toward godliness."

That was what I needed today. The assurance that I am making the effort. That this effort will pay off.  If I hold on to hope and strive for true repentance daily, I am making "steady and consistent movement toward godliness." 

So can you.

Four years ago was a very, very dark time in my life. I had lost hope, but I turned to my Heavenly Father for help. I had no idea the journey ahead. But I give thanks daily for this program. I marvel at the miracle He has made of my life.

I could not do this without my Godhead.

You can do this too. He is waiting. They are willing.