Life is full of it

It's late and I am tired and stressed, but I need to post.
This weekend I will be going offline.
Plus, I felt I needed to share my experience.
 
I just realized my garments are inside out. The ones I've been wearing all day!
Sigh.
I hope there's not a penalty in heaven for that.
That is the kinda week I've been having.

It all started last Wednesday.
Went to the temple to do Initiatory because I hadn't been all July (and the temple is close by. I have no real excuse).
And I triggered (words!)
In the temple!
I've been triggering a lot lately.
I know exactly why. Huge change, stress, life, and my body says "Hello!  The addiction makes this all go away! Trigger. Trigger. Trigger!"
Well, yes, my addiction does make it go away, for a moment.
But life always comes back!

Anyway, so for a few moments in the temple, I felt like fleeing. I felt unworthy to be there.
I prayed. And stayed.
I needed to remember those blessings.
I needed to get over the trigger.
It was a good experience.

PASG was okay. I cried. I shared how glad I was God didn't give up on me.

Then I came home and
Big huge blowout fight with my mom.
It was horrible.
My addiction bothers her. My speaking out about what I see in society (as in the objectification of women) bothers her. I can't change the world, so why should I try to, is her view.
Why can't I watch the same shows we used to watch.
We talked about my addiction. She can't understand why I read blogs by addicts.
Don't I just want to put it all behind me? Move on?
So when I mentioned that I feel that sometimes she gives off a vibe of "Aren't you over this yet," she denied it.
Words were said.
 Now I'm not completely blameless in this fight. I said hurtful things too.
I did not handle it well.

After I just walked away, I felt crushed. So I reached out.
I wasn't seeking justification or validation. I wanted honesty.

Thursday I was still dealing with the emotional aftermath. She apologized (which was nice).
And then I got some bad news about work and I just plunged into sadness and depression.

I am a lot like the Children of Israel.
You remember them, the ones who got freed from Egypt and were praising God until they came to a small thing called the Red Sea.
And then they wailed that God had sent them here to die.
So He parts the sea for them.
They rejoice.
Then they run out of water.
God sent us here to die!
He gives them water out of a rock.
YAY! He loves us.
Later: We have no food. God sent us here to die!
Repeat.

My reaction to most stress is kinda the same... wait, WHY is this happening, Lord?
It's a huge emotional time. I've "lost" one part of my family (my brother and his wife), and soon I lose a bigger part.
So it will just be my mom and I.
Joy.
Work is stressful.
I am feeling out of place. I am feeling trapped. I feel like I am wandering in the desert for 40 years and not getting a sign.
Everyone talks about destiny and choices and dreams. Mine seem so far off.
So Friday, Saturday and Sunday were a bit more stressful.

Then Sunday, I went to church! I felt like I'd been away for ages!
I bore my testimony. I got to attend Relief Society. I hung out with family.
I partook of the sacrament.
I worked on Step 10!!!!!

That was the miracle. I felt so wonderful. I wrote in my recovery journal that I would implement my routines.
That hasn't gone so well (it's after Midnight and I'm not asleep)
But, still! I read! I wrote in my recovery journal!
I felt good. I felt peace. As I knelt to pray, as I do before I work on the step, His love washed over me.
What a wonderful feeling.

Today, though, today was rough. More stress. More worries. More emotions.
More triggers.
I struggled. But I talked to the Lord. I thanked Him for tender mercies.
I was able to get out of my bad mood (work and money, again).
Not too much of the Children of Israel (some! but I tried to keep up a conversation with Him, even if it was, "What the heck, Heavenly Father!"). Lots of work on that in the future.

I made memories.
I felt joy.

The future is still unsure. I feel restless. I don't know what is going to happen.
I don't know how I will deal with next week.
I know, though, that the Lord will help me.
And I will need that help.

He wants us to succeed! He wants us to work recovery.
Our Father, our Saviour and the Holy Ghost love us.

He didn't send me here to die. ;)