Step 2, Elder Holland and my life.

These last couple weeks were fun, cool, hard, triggery and a struggle.
I'm not sure why. For several days in a row, I was triggering every day. Not just once or twice, but pretty much ALL freaking day. I actually had to sing a hymn in the grocery store because the music was triggering me (I did not sing out loud... I'm not that crazy).

Usually this means I'm stuck on a step. I'm not progressing.

So I decided I would do Step 10 this past week. And then life happened. Between dinners for outgoing ARP missionaries, to babysitting, to work, to the awesome service project going on at my house... Step 10 hasn't happened. I struggle to get to bed at a decent hour, I try to read my scriptures and pray when I'm not too tired. Yep, that's not working. My prayers usually end up being silent, said in my head because I'm too tired to say the words out loud.
But I do it. I'm going through Alma 5:14-30 again (it's mentioned in Step 10. I like to read the scriptures/talks mentioned in the step) but this time, I am reading the footnotes for each verse and sometimes the footnotes for the verse I looked up via the footnotes. I can spend 10 minutes on one verse!
Heavenly Father has led me to some good learning experiences. I'm rereading a lot because I'm so tired. Especially Paul. Man, he's almost as hard to comprehend as Isaiah.
But I'm trying. Just not feeling like I'm succeeding.

The next thing I know, it's Wednesday night. I'm facilitating and it's Step 2. Hope.
ha ha ha.

I just celebrated a birthday. I'm officially the mid of mid-thirties.
I'm single (which I'm fine with. Seriously). I live with my mother (not so fine with this). I have Masters degrees, but I work a $8 an hour job that has nothing to do with my education (really not fine, cool or okay with this). I'm struggling again with feelings of failure. Worrying about honesty. Worrying that I'm not doing recovery "right." This has also been triggered by a crush I've developed. I hate crushes. Character weaknesses and addictive tendencies triggered right, left, and center. Plus, big, huge changes are coming and it makes me sad. My mom and a very dear friend are struggling and I don't know how to help. I want to help.

The future is a black, inky blank and I have no idea if I'm even moving in the direction I need to be going.
Now it's Wednesday night and I did not know how I was going to do Step 2! I wasn't feeling hopeful, how could I help my fellow groupies when I couldn't feel it?
I prayed.

Heavenly Father used PASG to teach me a lesson.
I have to keep using the steps. Step 10 isn't just daily accountability. It's using Honesty, Hope, Trust in God, Inventory, Confession, Change of Heart, Humility, Forgiveness, and Reconciliation. I think that's the first nine? (no, I don't have the steps memorized!)
Anyway, I have to use these daily. I don't go through a day without using them. I shouldn't be going through a day without using them. Each and every step. Some days it is easier to do this than others. This weekend has been a struggle with Step 9. Yesterday I felt like I had completely failed on Step 10 and all the previous steps.

But I have to continue in hope.

Heavenly Father is not mad (maybe frustrated. It is me after all). I think He's happy I'm still trying. That I'm not giving up, at least not for long, and turning away. I pray. I read my scriptures. I try to study them.
I try to serve every day.
I tell Him I'm struggling. And He answers with help. An article in the Ensign, is one example.

Another example... This week, I had to go pick up a client in another town. I had a half hour drive, alone, so I decided to listen to Elder Holland's talk from this last conference, "Lord, I Believe."
That is a scripture in the Study & Understanding section of Step 2.
“And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief." Mark 9:24
I purposely listened to this talk, because I love this scripture. I pray those words a lot.

I feel like that man. "Lord, if you can do anything, have compassion on me and help me."
My vision is not the same as His. I know this. But I'm mortal. I doubt. I fear.

Elder Holland says, "I would say to all who wish for more faith, remember this man! In moments of fear or doubt or troubling times, hold the ground you have already won, even if that ground is limited. In the growth we all have to experience in mortality, the spiritual equivalent of this boy’s affliction or this parent’s desperation is going to come to all of us. When those moments come and issues surface, the resolution of which is not immediately forthcoming, hold fast to what you already know and stand strong until additional knowledge comes."

So after the talk ended, I spent some time talking to my Heavenly Father. I asked for forgiveness. I told Him how I felt. That I felt that He had let me down. I never wanted to leave the UK. I still don't see why I had to. Heavenly Father knows this. :)
Sometimes I feel like I do lose that ground of faith. That I'm not standing strong.
Then the Spirit (I hope), pointed out that I'm still trying. I must believe and have faith, because I haven't given up.
I get out of bed. I go to work. I read my scriptures. I attend PASG. I read the manual. I go to church. I fight against temptation. I pray, even if I'm tired. I fast.

I'm holding strong to what I know. Yes, sometimes I let go of my Heavenly Father's hand and try to do it alone. His hand is still there when I reach for it.

I believe the future will be bright. I believe I will be okay. I don't know it, but I believe it. Sometimes I just desire to believe it. It's a beginning.
Maybe that's what got Joseph of Egypt through those years in prison.
Hope.


If you, like me, are struggling with hope, I recommend these talks:
The Infinite Power of Hope President Dieter F. Uchtdorf
Hope  Steven E. Snow
Broken Things to Mend  Elder Jeffrey R. Holland
Two Principles for Any Economy Pres. Uchtdorf
An High Priest of Good Things to Come Elder Holland
The Lord Thy God Will Hold Thy Hand  Elder Craig W. Zwick