Working on it

No, I haven't actively worked on Step 10. Yesterday and today have been, well, lazy days.
I worked on small things, but also faffed about most of the day.
So I asked Heavenly Father for forgiveness.
Today I will be a little better and try a little harder.
One good thing: I wrote in my journal! YAY!
(this is something I've been trying to do for a long time. I struggle with it, but I feel that I need to keep a journal. A blog is great. Facebook is fine. But I need to keep a record of my thoughts and feelings in a place where I can openly share them. I can't share about my work here or on a social site. So I was quite pleased that I was able to do it. It also meant I wasn't wasting time online).

Anyway, I'm going to try and meet with my Bishop this Sunday, again. Time for the "real" confession.
And maybe a blessing. I still feel like I'm, not drifting... bobbing? Just being carried along with the
current of life. I have dreams, I make plans. They seem impossible to come true and I worry that I'm not taking the path the Lord wants me to take.
I know that fear plays a big part in this. I fear the future. I fear that I'm asking for the wrong things in prayer. I realized that part of the reason I'm not working on Step 10 is I'm afraid of Step 11. Because of my panic attacks, my brain is programmed to instant doom. My cat doesn't come home at night. Well, he must be dead. My mom isn't answering her phone. She's been in an accident.
You get the idea.
My brain is always telling me things and I can't distinguish if it's me or the Spirit.
Plus, I don't even have a checklist for Step 10 yet.
It's taken me a year to do two steps!

Then I realize that it's not a competition. It's not a race against anyone else but myself.
And I've always been a slow learner! ;)

So I'll keep trying, I'll keep moving. I won't yield.

I have a goal. By Monday I will have my Step 10 checklist completed AND a morning and night ritual (such as scripture study, prayer...journal writing) written out!
Okay, so I have 2 goals.

I want to share one of my favorite songs:

I love imagining Heavenly Father saying to me, "Stacey, stop fighting a fight that's already been won."
Because He's already won this battle for me. If I rely on Him, I will succeed.

"Redeemed" Big Daddy Weave

Seems like all I could see was the struggle
Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past
Bound up in shackles of all my failures
Wondering how long is this gonna last
Then You look at this prisoner and say to me "Son
Stop fighting a fight it's already been won"
I am redeemed, You set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain, now I'm not who I used to be
I am redeemed, I'm redeemed
All my life I have been called unworthy
Named by the voice of my shame and regret
But when I hear You whisper, "Child lift up your head"
I remember, oh God, You're not done with me yet
I am redeemed, You set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain, now I'm not who I used to be
Because I don't have to be the old man inside of me
'Cause his day is long dead and gone
Because I've got a new name, a new life, I'm not the same
And a hope that will carry me home
I am redeemed, You set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain, 'cause I'm not who I used to be
I am redeemed, You set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain, yeah, I'm not who I used to be
Oh, God, I'm not who I used to be
Jesus, I'm not who I used to be
'Cause I am redeemed
Thank God, redeemed

Yes, Thank God I'm redeemed!

This week in PASG we were on Step 3 (oh, Step 3 and me... somehow it's always Step 3 I struggle with). The Lord used the reading to remind me of the importance of trusting in Him.
As the manual says, "let go of the self-will and self-seeking that were at the root of our addictions and enjoy another 24 hours of the serenity and strength that come from trusting in God and in His goodness, power, and love."

Life isn't easy and it brings sorrow, yet it can also bring happiness.
So let go, and let God. 
I actually don't like this phrase. Well, I'm starting to like it. I realize that I only turn over parts of my life to God. I know He's helping me with my addiction. So I try to take care of everything else, but He wants it all!
Time to recite the serenity prayer again and again and again.