Technical difficulties... and life.

So last night, as I went to post this blog, my internet shut off. Yes, I was cutting it close.
I thought it hadn't posted at all, but apparently it did... with no text though.
Sorry for that.

Anyway...
It has been really rough week, after a really great weekend.
I got to spend some valuable time with my family last weekend. Listen to good music, partake of the sacrament, swim (I love water), and just relax.
I stayed up a little late writing in my journal one night. It was so nice to be "caught" doing that. I used to be on my computer all the time, up late at night, reading romance novels. I liked doing good things that I'm not ashamed of. And not being up all hours.
I didn't even bring my computer this time and spent the whole time offline. It was great.

Then I got to come back to work, money stresses, extreme exhaustion, panic attacks, emotional abuse and... life.
It's been rough. I'm not saying it's been entirely miserable. I love Tuesday nights, when I go to meetings with facilitators and other ARP missionaries. I feel such love there.
There was also a very cute, single (no ring), new facilitator there.
No no no no no.
I'm trying to look for the beauty and blessings of each day. To not see it as a horrible day because of one thing (or an entire shift at work).

I also love PASG meetings. I love new people coming to those meetings. I love feeling the Sprit (and it wasn't by chance this week's step was Hope).
Because I'm feeling a little hopeless.
Maybe it's post-family depression. Combined with worries about work, money, my future, my friends and family ... everything. And more homesickness about the UK. It hurts worse than I ever thought.
I'm coming up on two years since I left and I know this will be a difficult anniversary.
Oh, joy.

Not doing too well with the negative thoughts.
Yesterday was been Tenseness 101 at my house.
It started out with my mentioning an article debunking the story of the entire Martin Handcart Company being carried across the Sweetwater River by three 18 year olds. My mom kept asking questions that, to me, seemed to question why I was bothering with such a thing, if it was true, etc.

Actually, it started before that. Maybe because I didn't sense she wanted help with something and therefore, didn't suddenly appear to help.
And this starts me questioning my own experience. Am I justifying myself? Am I acting like an addict or am I being emotionally manipulated? Am I just being a jerk?
Now I did not react well. I got defensive. I was curt and a rude.
I don't like being that way. So I tend to be hard on myself.

So I spent most of the afternoon session of Conference upset, annoyed, and a little angry.
It didn't help that I was stretching my attention span. I was on Facebook, Twitter, texting a friend, and trying to take notes. I feel like I missed most of the messages. I got bits and pieces, but not the whole thing. Not the heart.
Then a friend messaged me and announced she had left the church. During Conference.
Gah.
So I wasn't feeling spiritual. I was feeling stressed and worried and sad.
Those feelings continued after conference.
So, I got up, went outside and worked in the garden and listened to my Dailies music until I calmed down. It worked, because I wasn't thinking snarky thoughts while listening. If I start thinking snarky, then I know my heart is not soft.
I'm feeling much better now.

I need to be active. I know I've been sitting waiting for God to tell me what to do. And I think now He's not going to help me if I just sit here.
So I'm accepting Tim's challenge to write down questions I have. I've done so. I said a brief prayer, as in "Okay, Heavenly Father, I'm doing this. I hope it works."
Another good thing this week is that I have worked on talking to Heavenly Father when I pray. Not merely reciting wants and needs or names of those I pray for, but telling him how I feel. What is going on, etc.

Well, since this didn't post... UPDATE!

Today, I had to work, but the whole point of work was to help my client watch conference.
I still missed parts of it, due to work and comings and goings and video games...
Alas, I was hoping for more concrete answers to my questions. Not quite President Monson getting up and saying "Stacey, this is what you should do" (although that would be nice), but, well, I didn't feel any Ah-ha moments. Moments where I felt I was receiving my answers. And I have felt that in the past. I do feel that I need to review all the sessions and talks this week with my questions in mind. Maybe one a night. What better way to spend my time?

I am so grateful for prophets, seers and revelators on the earth today. I am grateful for conference.
I am grateful for this ARP program and I am so privileged to be a member of this church.