Sometimes sacrifices are hard.

The panic attacks aren't going away.

But they're not horrible. 

I'm getting sick of chicken noodle soup. Chicken Noodle is one of the few food items that doesn't turn my stomach. Soup is one of those rare things that soothe me, but I don't want to eat another bite of it for a while. Ugh.

I can eat other things, though! Progress. (chocolate doesn't nauseate me. That's one of the signs I'm having a panic attack, I don't want chocolate).

Today I came to a decision. I'm going to give up the series. It's breaking my heart. But I triggered majorly the other night trying to avoid thinking about the book. Isn't it funny how that works? It's like a breakup where everything reminds you of the ex. I can remember what I read really well. So many things every day remind me of the series. So I was trying to distract myself and started slipping into fantasy world.

Everyone has fantasies. We wonder what it would be like to be famous, etc. But, I just can't go there anymore. It's not healthy.

Sigh. So I stopped, but it was close.

After getting off work, I realized something. I can't do this anymore. This past week I've been obsessing over this series. I googled the book, wanting someone to validate my feelings. I talked it over with a co-worker. I talk it over with myself. I would flip flop. One day I'd tell myself I don't need to give it up. The next, I would trigger and have a panic attack (that's fun) and think, no I can't keep the books.

Then someone left a comment on my last blog post:

"If the series has become a trigger - you have to give it up. It's that simple. And it sucks, I know. I hate throwing stuff like that away. I grow to have feelings for them - and it's like I have to forsake those feelings.. but it just is. And the pain always lessens on the other side, because we become triumphant and the Lord blesses us for those small (yet huge) sacrifices."

See, I already knew this. But I needed someone to remind me that I already knew this.

I'm not tossing them, though. I'm selling them. There's a used bookstore that I can sell them to and buy a good book in return. I need the money and I don't see them as evil. I mean, if they were books by Danielle Steel, those babies would burn. But they are not. It's my own trigger.

It's been a hard week. I've really had to rely on Heavenly Father for help. I've been talking to Him. I think part of me is scared to sound less than formal to Him in prayer. This week, I've gestured while I pray (I gesture when I talk), I've begged for help. I've told Him how I feel and I've felt closer to Him. This is good. When I'm having panic attacks, I don't think that I can feel the Spirit. So I have to seek it out. Last night I went crazy downloading all these past conference talks that got lost when I changed laptops. They are talks that helped me so much during panic attack days and recovery days.

I wish I could say that the panic attacks went away, but they didn't. Still here. 

So I watch LDS Bible Videos. I read blogs on the LDS Addiction Recovery website. They help.

I just finished up reading all the scriptures under Jesus Christ, Mission of in the Topical Guide, which is listed in the footnotes of Alma 5:14-30. I'll have to post more about what I found. They've brought a lot of comfort. Isaiah 61:1 especially.

There have been bright spots in the dark days.

Wednesday night I was hurrying to PASG. It had been a rough day. I've had to take the afternoons off this week because of the panic attacks. It's been a nasty cycle, I can't sleep, so I have more panic attacks, so I'm nauseated, tired, and feel very frail. Then I come home to nap, can't sleep that night, and that leads to more panic attacks. 

Anyway, I was running late and a song came on the radio. Well, first I heard God's Great Dance floor, which I've blogged about before. It's a favorite. I got a little teary as I sang along. "You never give up on us. No matter how far we run. You'll never stop loving us."

I felt better.

Then a song came on that I hadn't heard before. It spoke to my heart.

It's called "Carry Me" by Josh Wilson. I love it because the lyrics describe me this week. This is how a panic attack feels. 

I try to catch my breath
It hasn't happened yet
I'm wide awake in the middle of the night scared to death
So I prayed God, would You make this stop
Father please hold on to me, You're all I've got

Carry me, carry me, carry me now
From my sinking sand to Your solid ground
The only way I'm ever gonna make it out
Is if You carry me, carry me, carry me now
God carry me, carry me, carry me now.
I wasn't able to finish the song, so today I looked it up.
Sorry about the skinny jeans in the video. No one should have to see that. ;)

Now I have another favorite song to help me through the dark days. A song with truth in it.

It's been a tender mercy for me.

A major sacrifice this week and I don't know if I have the strength to make it. I've made sacrifices before for recovery. Somehow, they didn't feel like that big of a sacrifice. This feels like a big one. It feels like I'm giving up a part of myself. Which maybe I am. Still, it's not worth it to hold onto. I've realized that I haven't been working Step 10. I need to get back to daily accountability. 

God is all I've got that I can truly rely on forever. I'd rather hold on to Him.

My Heavenly Father and Savior will carry me and help me to solid ground. They've done it before.