Letting go

It is done!
Well, only partly. Standing at the counter of the used book store I realized I'd forgotten one of the books. Hey, there were quite a few, okay?

It was hard. The store is a distance away and I was planning to go on Monday. But today, I realized that I had to do it today. However, I got busy helping out a friend and time started slipping away. It was one of those days when it's 2pm and I realized that I hadn't brushed my teeth or gotten dressed. Changing pjs for sweat pants does not count.
I was going. So, I went out to the garage and grabbed all the books (forgetting the one small one). The temptation to open them was strong. Just read the ending again...  I was praying as I did took them out and put them in a bag, because I knew I couldn't do this on my own.
I put them in the back of my car. My mom tried to help me. She asked if I could maybe just keep the ones before the last book. But now I know what happens and that knowledge will trigger me. I can't keep any of the books. I also feel guilty, because my family loves them because of me. Still, I can't keep for them for other people. I felt that I needed to make this sacrifice of something that I loved very much. I wish I knew why.

On the way down I listened to conference and picked President Monson's talk, "We Never Walk Alone," from the last Relief Society broadcast, which I hadn't heard yet.

He says, "There will be times when you will walk a path strewn with thorns and marked by struggle. There may be times when you feel detached—even isolated—from the Giver of every good gift. You worry that you walk alone. Fear replaces faith."

Then he says, "We were not placed on this earth to walk alone. What an amazing source of power, of strength, and of comfort is available to each of us. He who knows us better than we know ourselves, He who sees the larger picture and who knows the end from the beginning, has assured us that He will be there for us to provide help if we but ask. We have the promise: “Pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good."

That's when I started to cry. Because I knew what I was doing was good, but it still didn't feel like a good thing.

I thought of stopping off at another store, but realized that was a delaying tactic and went right to the bookstore.

Then it got harder. 

As I put the books on the counter, the employee saw them and started to gush. Didn't I just love this author? Wasn't he such a great writer? What did I think about his other books? (Which I'm thinking I may give up too as I'm a little peeved at the author right now). Then he started telling me about a short story related to these books that the author had written.

I was saying a silent prayer for him to shut up.

That's when I realized I'd left the one book home. Gah.

I mentioned it and the guy said if I brought it back to him personally, he'd pay me for it. But that means another trip. Could really have used a prompting on that one, Heavenly Father.

Still, I'm going to do it.

With the money I got, I bought two books. That required going to another bookstore and it was hard and triggery because 1) both bookstores have Romance sections (one has a "clean romance" section, which makes me laugh) and I can't even look at the covers. They don't hide it by the science section, darn it. 

2) The book that started all this was EVERYWHERE. I saw it at least 3 times and I wanted to punch something. It hurt. Plus, there were all these stupid vampire/paranormal books, which I already know I can't read. But I was already feeling triggery so even seeing the covers was a trigger. Grrr. Sometimes I wish I could take a flame thrower to sections of bookstores.

However, I found the book I wanted and the price was less than I expected, so I had money left! I felt that was a tender mercy.

On the way home, I started thinking, listening to Christian radio and trying (and failing) to not think about the books that I just sold. Remembering lines or seeng something on the side of the road that reminded me of a scene in the book. I tried to distract myself. That's when I realized that I needed to give up something else. See, I like to write poems and stories. In my addiction, I would write romance novels in the guise of doing them "clean," but it was just to feed my addiction. When I started recovery, I got rid of most of the documents. I did a cleaning again when I realized that fantasies were part of my addiction. Still, I'd kept a couple stories that weren't "romance" novels, but just story ideas. One of them I've been working on for years and I was using that story to escape thinking about the books. Then driving home in the car, I started thinking about it, and I realized that I needed to give it up. It wasn't healthy. It was a distraction.

Now, this was hard! Because I've worked on this story for a long time!

I found myself justifying keeping the documents. I'd worked so hard on them! I had pages written. Yet, I knew it wasn't what God wanted. I prayed (hoping to get a yes answer. As in, yes, keep them). Then I realized that was my answer. I came home, went to my laptop, opened it and found all the files and deleted them. They were in multiple locations.

I put some in my laptop's trash and tried to empty it. One document won't let me delete it (seriously, Heavenly Father?). It's in use! What?

So I'm trying to figure this out. How to delete it. I don't see this a sign from God to keep them.

Anyway, I did it!

In a curious series of tender mercies, after listening to President Monson's great talk, almost all the songs on the Christian radio stations today helped me and gave me strength. I have to be willing to give up my heart and life to Heavenly Father. These are part of my will, my agency. I still feel the loss of my hero, but I also feel peace. 

A few months ago I started having the feeling that October was going to be an important month. I was hoping for something along the lines of lots of money and a plane ticket to the UK. Sadly, that hasn't happened. Apparently it's making big sacrifices.

Someday I'll know why I had to give this up. My heart still hurts from the loss of a precious story. Maybe in the Millennium, I can have the edited text. ha ha ha.

Nothing is worth more than a relationship with Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost. They love us. I have to keep reminding myself so I can see the blessing these sacrifices bring. Because there will be blessings.