If only it would go...

Well, it's been four days since I gave up the books and the story.
I was hoping it would be... easier. Quicker.

Okay, to better explain how I'm feeling, I need to do some background. A few years ago I bought a video compilation by the LDS church, The Worth of Souls. It has a lot of older church films on it, like Pioneers in Petticoats, Johnny Lingo (which was the whole reason I bought it. I LOVE Johnny Lingo. Huge crush on that man. Who doesn't want to be an 8 cow woman?), and that horribly sad movie The Mailbox about the old woman whose children never write her and then she dies. Wow.
Anyway, one of the films is Uncle Ben, which has this girl graduating from BYU tell her professor about her uncle who raised her. He was an alcoholic when their mother was still alive. Well one morning the kids wake up to find the mom dead (Man, these church films were scarring) and Uncle Ben is the only living relative. So he has to sober up or the kids will be separated and sent to orphanages. And he does. He just pushes the bottle away, prays, asks the judge for temporary custody and never drinks again.
So at graduation the girl's professor asks Uncle Ben how he quit drinking and Uncle Ben says that he kneeled and asked the Lord for help and... that's it. The Lord healed him.

I tell this story partly because I'm feeling cheeky today and partly because I think of that story a lot when I want an instant healing. I thought of it when I first started recovery and struggled with my thoughts and desires and triggers. Why couldn't I have an Uncle Ben experience? Where was my instant fix moment? Why didn't I deserve that blessing? (The answer is: I don't know. :) I think of it now, because part of me was hoping that giving up this book series and story would well, be the end of it. Instant fix. Out of sight. Out of mind. No more triggers. No sense of loss.
Instead, it's still there. I still think of the book and story every day. There is still a pang of loss when I do. Yesterday, flipping through a magazine in a waiting room, an ad for the book was there. Ugh.
Today, a coworker was reading and I looked over to see that it was my favorite book in the series. I had no idea until I looked over and saw what it was and instantly, the longing was there. What part was he at? I tried to justify taking a peek over his shoulder. Then came the memories of lines and scenes. I miss those books.
I resisted the temptation to pick up his book when he left the room. Instead, I pulled out a book that I had brought and read it. Then I read a conference talk.

I admit, I was hoping for instant blessings for this sacrifice. A Paul on the road to Damascus moment.
A moment where I know why I had to do this and bam I understand it all.
I think I'll be waiting a little longer for blessings and understanding.
Yesterday and today have been tough. Triggers. Triggers. Triggers.

Yesterday, I had this sudden, so completely inappropriate, phrase come into my mind that it shocked me. Then I was disgusted. Where the heck did that come from, brain? It took me a long time to get over that trigger. I finally had to pray to Heavenly Father and ask for forgiveness (because the thought wasn't going away) and give it to Him. It worked.
I was looking up a recap of a TV show's episode and triggered. Shouldn't have read that.
I'm not saying I'm angry. Frustrated is the accurate word.

I don't want words to trigger, but that's part of my addiction. It's vexing.
I love words! Vex. Hodgepodge. Otter. Words are amazing. Powerful.
And some of them trigger me. My brain reads a word and remembers what reading this word led to and  gets excited.
I'm not focusing on what I lost. I know that way would make it even harder to move forward. It could turn me bitter to the Lord.
Instead, I'm working on finding my way. This whole sacrifice has thrown me into a lot of turmoil. I wonder if my future plans are the wrong path.
Well, let's get through today and try to work Step 10.
The rest can wait until tomorrow.

Doctrine & Covenants 93:9
The light and the Redeemer of the world; the Spirit of truth, who came into the world, because the world was made by him, and in him was the life of men and the light of men.