Seriously, we're doing this?

So I couldn't sleep last night, thinking about that stupid book.
I got up around midnight, took the whole series and put it in a box in the garage.
I felt better for a little bit, but whenever I tried to sleep, I would start thinking again. Triggering, remembering triggers, etc. So frustrating.
Finally, I put on my Conference talks playlist on my Ipod and fell asleep
listening to Elder Holland. I would wake up occasionally with the soothing voice of one of the apostles in my ear.

Then I woke up with a strong desire to not do anything. This is not good.
It's been there the whole day, a desire to go home and hide.
The last time I felt like this, it was the precursor to a huge panic attack (or daily ones) where I spent a month subsisting on soup, bread, and crackers while walking around with a feeling of doom all the time. While it's great for weight loss, the emotional toll was not worth it. Not being able to feel happiness or joy is not a good way to live. Plus, it's hard to feel the Spirit when I'm full of fear.
It's hard getting through the day with a sense of impending doom. It's hard making yourself do things, like stay at work, when all I want to do is curl up in bed and pretend the world doesn't exist.

I'm tired, I'm emotional, I feel like crying, my chest hurts and my stomach feels all twisted up, I just want to run away.
Then the panic attacks hit this afternoon. I can try to fight them, but that just makes them worse.
It's like being hit in the lungs with ice.

No idea what caused this. It could be lack of sleep, it could be I was so excited to get the book and it was such a let down. It's also the anniversary of when I left Scotland two years ago. Big emotional trigger there. It could be the triggers from the book. It could be all of that.
Augh.

I came home and had my home teacher give me a blessing. Which helped.
Now it's back.
Gah.

I don't know what to do about the books. I feel betrayed, like my best friend suddenly turned on me and  deliberately triggered my addiction. Which is silly, because this is a BOOK! Sigh. It still hurts. This series meant a lot to me. It's helped me through a lot in the past year. It was lovely and of good report. I thought it was safe. It's been so hard to find safe books.

Anyway, right now I'm focusing on moving past the panic attacks and then I can deal with the book/series. My mom thinks I should write the author. But I don't know how to say what I'm feeling and not come across as a bigot (plus, what good would it do).
And I'm angry. I'm mad that something I love is tainted in a way I may not be able to repair. I'm angry that I'm having panic attacks, that I'm going through this again. It's not fair.

Yet, I'm turning to Heavenly Father. I'm refusing to give in. So I may cry when I hear "Overcomer" by Mandisa. But I'll make it.

The arms that hold the universe are holding me tonight.