Blockage

I can't hear. Well, I can, but it's like I'm underwater.
When I chew food, it's like my own little ocean in my ear.
I think I have a build up of ear wax. Which is causing other problems, like dizziness, water in the ear, etc. More hearing problems.
It's great fun.
Kind of a great top off to this week.

It's been good and bad and hard and emotional and full of triggers.
And a huge fight with my mother.
So I'm resolving to be less sensitive when teased about something I like.
At the same time, I was hoping for an apology because, once again,
the past is brought up and thrown in my face. Stuff that I have apologized for and repented of.
Yet there it is again.

I had even googled "Am I the toxic one?" Wednesday because I was so sure I was.
Yep, nothing really useful there.
I HATE fighting. I don't like how I feel after it, miserable and sad, I don't like hurting other people, but at the same time… I will stand up for myself and my choices.
It was a fight that started out about a book and then led to an implied comparison with my brother (which hurt, but which was denied), and then talk about how I huff and puff when certain tv shows are on.
Which is why I'm hiding in my room tonight. Three hours of television shows that I choose not to watch.
I missed group last night because I fell asleep and woke up dizzy.
Two huge triggers today, that were out of nowhere! So I prayed for relief and distraction and got it.
Last week on Thursday, I went to the temple and did initiatory. Which was lovely. This week I thought about it, but I don't feel well and my ears hurt.

Okay, this sounds all whiny. Ear wax sucks!
It's not been a horrible week. Today, the Lord helped me with the triggers. Every night He's brought my cats home safely. This sounds like a minor thing, but I have been panicking about them every day. I think it's just one thing my crazed brain can focus on freaking out about. So them coming home at sunset every night is a huge blessing and sign of God's hand for me.  They bring me happiness.
Plus the beautiful moon and stars.

Today I read Elder Soares talk from Conference on being meek. That's one goal I'm going to work on, being meek. Working on overcoming pride and anger (which usually feed off the other) with Heavenly Father's help.
Someday I'll get Step 10!