More than an addict.

Life is still tough, but I weather the battle.
I've been more active in Step 10, as in making Daily Accountability a major part of my day. It still needs some work.
This has brought some insight.

When I first started recovery here in the States, the missionaries would remind us that we are more than just our addiction.
I struggled with that at first, because addiction recovery was such a huge part of my life. I'm an addict! How could I be more than my addiction? But then I came to realize that it was true. I am not only an addict. I am so many things. Daughter. Sister. Friend. Book lover. Cat adorer. Mormon.

Last week I started analyzing why I've been feeling so down and lonely these past few months and I realized why.
My social life revolves around addiction.
When I lived in the UK, I was busy almost every night of the week. Sunday, after church, I usually had dinner at a friend's house. Monday was Home Evening, where we ate dinner and talked and had a spiritual lesson. The rest of the week was made up of Church activities like Institute. I went to ARP. I joined a dance society. Friday or Saturday were my choice, spend it with friends or alone.

Back home, my only friends in town are those in PASG.
I go once a week to Correlation with the missionaries and while I love going and I revel in the love I feel there, it's still about addiction.
Then there's PASG. Once again, my focus is on the addiction.
I am focusing on only one aspect of me.
I don't go to movies with friends. I go with my mom. I have choir on Sundays. That's it.

So last weekend I declared an addiction free weekend.
I spent the weekends with friends and their kids. I was just Stacey. I went shopping, I played with kids, I listened to music and a really good audiobook. I felt loved and wanted and happy. I talked about books, music, tv.
I didn't talk about recovery. I didn't discuss triggers (surprisingly, there were very few).
My addiction wasn't the focus. It was just a small part.
I was all parts of myself.
Then I had to come back to this reality.

It's been a struggle since then. I miss sociality. I miss my old life.
But we can't go backwards. Only forward.
The ear blockage is still going on and it's annoying me to no end. I want an instant healing.
I realized that a lot of aspects of my life are like that. I want an instant fix. Instant answer to prayer.
Those haven't happened. Obviously, God wants me to learn. A lot, apparently.
Someday I'll know. In the meantime, I just have to keep pushing forward.

This week I've been reading in the Topical Guide under Trust in God:
Here's one of my favorites.
2 Samuel 22:3 (it's a psalm by David):
The God of my rock; in him will I trust: he is my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my high tower, and my refuge, my saviour;

God is for me. He is never against me. In his new book, Elder Holland says this phrase needs to be written on our hearts.
God is for me.