I am not my past. And my past was yesterday.

So everything is just great and wonderful! ha ha ha. ha ha ha.
Sorry, I needed that.

Almost two weeks ago I made the journey again to that bookstore to sell the last book in the series. The power was out in that section of town! Seriously. It made my journey much longer. I didn't know if it was irony or just coincidence. Still, I finally got there, sold that book and went and bought another book I've really wanted (Count of Monte Cristo), hardcover. It was worth it. As I was checking out, the boy in front of me bought the book I had just given up.
Augh.

Thoughts kept plaguing me all through the weekend. Lines from the books, longing thoughts of what I would never read again… it was hard. I did not dwell on it, but the thoughts kept coming. I'd been in a book store that day when an ad for the book came on. My chest started hurting. I needed to let go again.
So that night, I decided I had to do something decisive again. I am a big believer in gestures and I felt that a decisive one was needed to show that I wasn't holding on to those books. So, I would again write down the names of the books and burn them. I remembered I had the receipt, so I found it, wrote "Goodbye" and the names of the books and burned it. I then had the brilliant idea to throw out the ashes. So I just shoveled the ashes where the paper had burned in the fireplace into a bucket and went outside to the canal next door. I flung the ashes into the water and let it carry them away. Luckily it was late enough the neighbors weren't out there, so I didn't have to worry what they would think. ha ha. It looked pretty strange. A girl in her pajamas flinging ash into a stream.
A spark got away, but I put it out (did not want to wake up having burned down the neighbor's trees).
I woke up the next morning feeling much better, calmer and while I do still see those books, it's not with longing. I'm moving forward.

The week went well, until Thursday.
Thursday was Halloween and I thought my mom and I would watch a Halloween movie, eat caramel apples and enjoy ourselves. Instead, my mom turned on a tv show which I no longer watch. So I went back to my room. She came back when it was over and so I went out in the living room. There was another show on that I had vowed not to watch (I'd seen a headline for the show and decided it wouldn't be a good idea for me to watch that), so I switched the channel. My mom asked why I wouldn't want to see it and I mentioned the headline I had read (I didn't read the articles, because that would be stupid). Well, she brought up the fact that a show I had watched last night had contained a bad scene. Yes, I had switched the channel and then switched back when it was over. I admit it. It was a British cop show and I just wanted to watch something British. It wasn't worth it, as I spent the rest of the night trying to get that 2 second image out of my head. Yet another tv show I cannot watch. Sigh.

Well, this led to a fight. I was so mad and hurt. I try not to judge others, but it hard that people watch the shows or read the books I want to read, but can't (or choose not to).
So I wrote her a letter. And printed off the headline of the article about the show and the guest blog post I referenced earlier about "Porn on Paper." In the letter I explained that I have to be vigilant. That while there are some people who can watch such shows, I cannot. I asked her to respect my choice.
No one has mentioned the letter. I'm not even sure she got it.

Sigh. So it's been… tough. Saturday a family member really hurt my feelings. I struggled with anger, feeling alone and unloved. It didn't help that as I went to bed, my cats chose to sleep in another room. That was a low blow. Yes, it's silly now, but when I am feeling down it is easy to find reasons to stay there. Instead, I made myself go to Stake Conference the next day.

Still not progress on Step 10, although I'm working on being accountable daily. On reaching out to Heavenly Father, on praying for specific experiences or help each day and reporting each night. I plan on working on it Sunday. Maybe actually finishing the step! Gasp!

That's about it.
Oh, tonight I went to the temple. I've been meaning to (and what better way to spend Thursday nights since my mom watches three hours of television that I choose not to watch?) and tonight I wanted to go. I did initiatory! I love listening to the promises there. I love the blessings. I love feeling worthy of those blessings.

Some days I am amazed at what miracle God has worked in my life.