It probably shouldn't take this long.

I've been on Step 10 since March (I think. I'm not sure where my recovery journal is to look it up... Ha that's a sign right there).
This week in group was Step 11 and as we read it, I realized, and the Spirit whispered as we read, that I was working a little on Step 11, which is good, but that I haven't been working recovery as strong as I should be. Or I feel I should be.

I don't believe Addiction Recovery is a competition and God isn't judging me because I'm not making as much progress as someone else. I don't think the manual is something that should be sped through, but sometimes I worry that I'm not working fast enough.

Basically, I don't know if I'm doing this correctly. If there is a correct way.
Gah. Sometimes I get so confused.
Anyway, I want to work on it. That's the point. My goal is to have Step 10, the Study & Understanding section at least, finished this weekend.

I need to move on, which also scares me. Maybe I'll just start over again with a new manual after Step 12. Ha ha ha.

Today I tried going a whole day without negative thoughts. Didn't happen. This is definitely something I will work on.
I almost said "Need" but I'm working on using a different word after reading Jessica's blog post When You Feel You Aren’t Enough, Stop Needing Part 1 and Part 2.

Honestly, sometimes I wonder if I'm helping anyone at all. I feel exactly like Jessica writes "It is easy for us to critique ourselves and hand ourselves this overwhelming to-do list of all the personality flaws and character traits that need corrected. When we do that, we feel like perpetual failures- inadequate and unworthy."

I'm working on giving my actions purpose. On changing my prayers so I'm not putting the entire burden on God to help me or on myself to change. We have to work together.

To that end, I've been reading in the Topical Guide under "Trust in God" and a lot of verses about trusting in God are found in Psalms. I actually return to these scriptures a lot. I am perpetually on Step 3. :)
I especially liked this one (the whole chapter is excellent).
Psalms 34:22: "The Lord redeemeth the soul of his servants: and none of them that trust in him shall be desolate."

I will not be desolate. Desolate is such a powerful word and the Lord says I will not be that way if I trust in Him.
This fills me with hope. If I could just put the whole chapter here, I would, it is a great chapter of scripture.  The Lord will deliver us. He is for us.

So forward and onward. I hope I haven't been plateauing or regressing. I hope these past several months have had progress, no matter how miniscule.