Christmas is meant for me

I meant to write a blog before Christmas, but time got away from me.

It usually does.

The week before Christmas was hard. I almost slipped, reading an article that triggered me and that made me mad, because it's an article about a good cause, but it triggered me and that triggered guilt that such a filthy subject could trigger me. The cycle continues.

I also woke up one Saturday morning, enjoying a nice relaxing lie-in when

BAM

Memories of fantasies, specific fantasies, started rising to the surface of my mind.

I hadn't thought of them in a long, long time.

And with these memories, came the longing, the feelings, the addiction.

Oh, it was so tempting. 

And disgusting. Which was good. I prayed, I gave those memories and feelings to Heavenly Father.

I asked for forgiveness.

Then I got up and did something.

Then came Christmas. I had made an subconscious vow not to act like I had last year (a veritable Scrooge) and I think I actually met that goal.

Christmas was a little stressful. For some reason, my body decided it didn't like change and so I felt a little panicky during the trip to my family's and there as well.

Then there is the whole stress of my family. I'm not sure I even want to go into that. Christmas Eve wasn't peaceful or happy, let me just leave it at that. It is hard not to be negative around some members of my family. Negativity is rampant in todays' world. Even among members of the LDS Church.

We look at what we have and only see what we don't have or what didn't go the way we wanted.

So I am choosing to focus on the positive. To live in the moment. When I felt panicky or sad, I focused on the moment. Making memories with my family. I spent lots of time with my brother's kids and I had a lot of fun.

I did have some weird dreams, though. Romantic dreams. Not in the user dream sense, but in the desire to be loved sense. These dreams brought back some issues for me. Like what the heck was going on!

Fantasy was such a huge part of any relationship I attempted to have, that I just don't deal with it. 

These dreams brought back a lot of those longings to be loved, to have a boyfriend, etc. And I don't want to feel that way again. I'm probably not explaining this well. I guess when it comes to the idea of having a boyfriend (which I honestly can't imagine), my attitude is "I'll deal with it when it happens." No fantasies. No what-ifs. Reality, please.

So I'm back to reality. Back to work. Trying to make sense of life.

That's for another blog post.

Still haven't worked on Step 10. Not sure I'm done with it. 

I mean, I definitely still struggling with previewing my day and reviewing it and especially the time-outs.

I wanted to be finished by the New Year. Probably not going to happen. I'm going to reread Step 10 tonight and see how I feel about it all.

I'm tired tonight and my family generously shared their bug, so I'm not feeling great. I'm hoping this blog doesn't seem depressing. It is not meant to be.

I actually got to say my prayers this morning! 

Then I read Elder Bruce Porter's talk in December's Ensign. 

He quotes Isaiah 61:1 and then he says, "When we read of Christ’s mission to proclaim liberty to the captives and open the prison to those who are bound, we probably think first of His ministry in the spirit world among the dead. But we are all captive—captive to the corruption and weakness of mortal bodies and subject to the temptations of the flesh, to infirmity, and, ultimately, to death—and we all have need to be set free.

Whatever binds us—sins, circumstances, or past events—the Lord Jesus Christ, the great Immanuel, came to set us free. He proclaims liberty to the captives and freedom from the bonds of death and the prison of sin, ignorance, pride, and error. It was prophesied that He would say to the prisoners, “Go forth” (Isaiah 49:9). The only condition of our freedom is that we come unto Him with broken hearts and contrite spirits, repent, and seek to do His will."

I give thanks to my Savior, who was born and died that I could be set free.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.